This week: On Boundaries Edited by: Kit of House Lannister  
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What advice would you give someone who feels under pressure to do something they'd rather not do? It is important to set and maintain boundaries. Sometimes, though, that's easier said than done.
This week's Spiritual Newsletter is all about learning how to say no. And to stick to that answer.
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Are you good at setting boundaries? How are you at maintaining boundaries? What do you do when people try to pressure or guilt you into something you do not want to do? What if the person doing so is someone you are close to, or someone in a position of authority over you?
I admit it – I have never been great at setting boundaries, let alone at maintaining them. I have always been someone wants to please people, to make them happy, and I’ve been taught that it’s a good thing to put the needs of others before those of your own. I cringe at the idea of being a burden, at being thought unhelpful, unkind, selfish… all manner of negative things. That has led to me saying yes when I would have preferred to say no, and many a time I have ran around and shouldered burdens that weren’t supposed to be mine. Once people learn that you’re the kind of person who doesn’t say no they will take advantage.
Not everyone takes advantage with bad intentions. We cannot read each other’s minds. People cannot know if you say yes and mean it, or if you’d actually rather not. Depending on the situation, of course. There could be some huge clues present. Let’s just say, however, that someone asks you a favour, and you don’t really want to do it but you don’t want to upset them. They don’t know that, and they’re grateful that you’re willing to do them that favour, and there you are, having to do that something.
If that’s you, just as it has been me, you have some work ahead of you. Work that you may not want to do, either, and that’s probably going to make you uncomfortable, but if you don’t want to be in that awkward position for the rest of your existence you may want to go ahead and try. You’re going to have to figure out what you’re okay with, and what you’re not okay with. Create boundaries along those lines. And then make sure that you don’t allow people to cross those boundaries.
That means saying no when necessary. Yes, I know. It’s hard. If people mean well, though, they are going to accept that answer. It’s actually a very good way of learning (some of the) truth about someone’s character. What do they do when you say no? Do they accept it? Or do they disrespect your boundaries by placing you under pressure, for example by attempting to guilt you into it?
If they are the kind of person who disrespect your boundaries, they don’t mean you well. If they’re a friend, it’s time for a talk. If they then still disrespect your boundaries, they are not a true friend. If they’re an employer, it’s time for a new job. If they’re a tutor, it’s time to request a new one. If they’re your boyfriend or girlfriend you’ll want to reassess your relationship because if it hasn’t yet become unhealthy, it very likely will in the future. If they’re a religious leader, it’s best to look for another church/organisation. The most difficult, of course, is when the person disrespecting your boundaries is a husband or wife, or a family member.
Nobody has the right to disrespect your boundaries. Nobody. Sometimes, when lines are crossed the law is broken, but even when someone’s actions do not break the law, that does not mean that they are acceptable.
Some people’s behaviour is toxic. It’s unfortunate, but true. If you have someone like that in your life, I am sorry, and advise you to talk about it with someone you trust. If you fear that when you stick up for yourself you may end up in danger, that is most definitely a toxic situation that requires not only the support of those you trust, but the support of your local police force, too. If you do not feel you are facing a dangerous situation, but do expect drama and general unpleasantness, I still recommend that you don’t face them alone. Take someone with you.
It’s okay to ask others for help. It’s okay to take your time setting those lines, and learning how to maintain them. Allow others to help you look after your interests. Allow them to be there for you when you need them.
Most people enjoy being in reciprocal relationships, where it’s not just you doing things for them, but where they get the opportunity to do things for you, too. That’s what healthy relationships are like!
Just respect when they say no. Don’t try to pressure them or guilt them. Respect their boundaries, like you wish for yours to be respected.
Also, teach your children to set and maintain boundaries. The younger they learn them, the easier it will be to assert them when they’re older. I wish I’d known better when I was a kid.
Still, it’s never too late. If you’re joining me in drawing those lines, well done. You can do it!
Kit of House Lannister
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Spiritual: September 29, 2021 Issue [#11001]
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