This week: It's Classified Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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We, as a people, we have a strong need to categorize everything. We put labels on everything and it's a totally understandable need because we are animals and we need to understand order and where to fit in.
—Armin van Buuren
I think... the history of civilization is an attempt to codify, classify and categorize aspects of human nature that hardly lend themselves to that process.
—Tom Stoppard
I love comedy. That's what got me into the arts. I don't even know how to categorize myself anymore.
—Steve Martin |
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Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?
People have been arguing about this for a long time. Clearly, it's a fruit, because they're the seed-bearing structures of a flowering plant. No, clearly, it's a vegetable, because it's acidic, not sweet, and it's in the vegetable section of the supermarket.
You humans like to categorize, classify, and label everything. It's kind of an obsession, really. Something is an animal, a vegetable, or a mineral. A mammal is distinct from a bird or reptile. Literature and art are sliced into genres, schools, and movements. Bookstores and libraries are organized by topic. And some people insist on calling that deep-dish casserole they make in Chicago a "pizza."
The problem is, not everything is so neatly categorized. Take a sandwich, for instance (and make me one while you're at it). A sandwich is filling between pieces of bread. Okay, fair enough; slap some salami, cheese, onions, and anchovies on one slice and cover it with the other slice, et voilà, you have a sandwich. But what if you have three slices of bread stacked up? Is that a bread sandwich?
I once saw pictures of two people on opposite sides of the world. They each put a slice of bread on the ground at about the same time. Earth sandwich!
One time someone asked me if a hot dog was a sandwich. I thought about it for about two seconds and said, "No. It's a taco."
Or, consider one of my favorite subjects: Beer. Beer is defined as a fermented beverage made from grain. Contrast that with wine, which is a fermented beverage made from fruit. But then you have sake, which is made from rice, which is a grain—and it is called "rice wine." And don't get me started on cider, which is a fermented beverage made from fruit but is marketed, distributed and dispensed alongside beer. Truthfully, it doesn't matter to me what it's called; I'll drink it all.
Perhaps the most divisive of these ambiguities of classification, though, apart from the pizza thing, was when the powers-that-be reclassified Pluto from "planet" to "dwarf planet." I won't get into the technicalities here, because this is the Comedy newsletter, not the Boredom newsletter (another example of categorization), but there were good solid reasons for the change and oh, man, people freaked out about the definition. It would be like if you called something a boulder for a few decades and then looked at other big rocks and said, "You know, maybe that's not a boulder, but a stone."
Meanwhile, Pluto still exists and swings around happily in its eccentric orbit. It even posed for some pictures a few years after the reclassification. And, I mean, look at it. See that giant heart? It's telling us that it still loves us.
But I digress. That happens when I start talking about astronomy. It's a big subject, after all.
The reality is, though, that things definitely exist (despite certain philosophers' protestations to the contrary}, regardless of what we call them. The platypus made zoologists sweat for a while, because, while possessing some mammalian characteristics such as fur, it also laid eggs, which is pretty much the opposite of what mammals do. This existential crisis of classification was finally resolved when someone said "what if we just call it a monotreme?" And everyone involved breathed a sigh of relief, including the platypus. The point, though, is that the platypus is what it is regardless of what we call it.
As for the tomato, well, it's actually a berry. But in the kitchen, in the garden, and for nutritional purposes, it's a vegetable. What you classify it as depends on whether you're a botanist or a cook. Some botanists, I presume, are also cooks, and hopefully they can switch modes when they're making a salad.
Categorizing this editorial, well, obviously, it's comedy. Whether it's actually funny or not is up to you. |
A few things classified as "comedy," for your entertainment:
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Last time, in "Kitchen Comedy" , I talked about cooking.
Aennaytte: Free & Wild in GoT  : Getting fresh garlic out of its papery wrapping is easy. Put a single clove (still in its skin) on a cutting board. Put the flat side of a knife on top of it. Pound the top of the flat knife right above where the garlic clove is. If you used not enough strength, then nothing happens. If you use too much strength, the garlic is mush. If you use Goldilocks strength, the garlic clove skin is split and pops off the garlic clove by itself. Snip that little bit of dry clove at the bottom. Voila. Bonus: the garlic clove will most likely be slightly cracked, which is better for the aroma.
Yeah, getting the right strength consistently is the problem. Like when cracking an egg whilst trying to keep the yolk intact. Still gets all over my hands, though. Probably should dry them more.
So that's it for me for July. See you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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Comedy: July 20, 2022 Issue [#11465]
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