 Comedy: December 21, 2022 Issue [#11710] |
This week: Will I See Clearer? And Random Snippets Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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May your holidays be splendid!
May your stockings be full
Not of anything vile
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Hello folks! Happy holidays! 
This is the last Comedy Newsletter of 2022. This newsletter is dedicated to all the busyness we go through at this time of the year. It seems we are so busy shopping, wrapping, cooking, baking and checking our lists twice, we get lost in the hustle and bustle. But that's okay, we do it all with a Christmas carol stuck in our heads and a shortage of Scotch tape -- the magic kind of course!
I haven't mentioned this in earlier newsletters, but over the summer I started noticing my eyes going from occasional blurriness from allergy season to double vision. Yes, I did play the song in my head while experiencing it. Thanks for that, Foreigner!  I was up North at the time and it was nearly September when I realized the problem wasn't going away on its own. Allergy season could no longer be to blame. Nope. My eyes were deceiving me, tricking me, making me see two targets instead of one at the shooting range. Good thing I am ambidextrous because I can use either hand or both so I was bound to connect with one of those targets!  As fun as that seems, there was a problem and it needed to be checked out.
I'm a reasonable witch, I can admit when I need help. Hey, even Santa has helpers! Anyway, I could have visited an Ophthalmologist up North as my Primary Care Physician suggested since I wasn't leaving for Florida until after Halloween, but decided not to for a couple of reasons.
First, the medical system my doctor belongs to makes you pay to park. Get that? Yeah, it's the great taxhole system in Massachusetts. I admit to being a Masshole, but I refuse to pay to park when there is a state where that simple courtesy for a patient is free. Yes, that would be Florida. I told my doctor I'll wait until I get to Florida.
Second, it' s Florida! It's God's waiting room. A huge part of the population is somewhere between 55+ and fossil.That state has much experience with old people's eyes.So I figured a sort of getting on the older side of life even in witch-years witch would do fine with eye care there.
What do you mean I have cataracts? 
I'm not that old of a witch! Am I? 
I let that settle in while my eyes were dilating. The doctor kept dictating numbers, directions, and other random orders to his assistant. Now I thought of all the people who live in my community coming back to the clubhouse wearing big,black glasses as they have had recent cataract surgery. I didn't want to wear the ugliest glasses created, but I feared that's where I was heading.
Finally, the exam was done, prescriptions handed to me and a request for a follow up visit in January.
"Wait doctor, your prescribing glasses, not surgery?"
"That's right WebWitch. We are going to try corrective lenses first to see if that helps. Cataracts take a long time to grow. These aren't very ripe, yet."
"Ripe? You are comparing my vision to fruit? Am I not a good enough witch to get the same ugly glasses type of surgery like others? Or, is it because I am a witch that you want me to be strung along for who knows how many years waiting for the grapes to ripen enough for the fine wine treatment?"
Then I caught myself and stopped the B-witching long enough to realize I don't require surgery. I don't need to wear the ugly glasses, I can wear stylish glasses and see one of everything instead of two!  I went to the Optometrist office within the medical building the next day, since she couldn't fit me for glasses with my eyes dilated. She placed a heavy contraption over my eyes that has my prescription lenses somewhere in the slide of her fingers. She asked me to walk with her to the front door and look across the street and asked if I could see better. I didn't see double but some words on a sign were blurry. She said it will take a while to get used to since I'm not a glasses wearer except for reading glasses. She suggested bifocals so I can go from reading to walking and seeing where I'm going. I told her I don't think I want bifocals. I'm a dizzy witch as it is without adding another distraction to my balance. We started walking back through the door and I stopped short saying,"Woe, this is weird!"
She realized bifocals would confuse my brain more than necessary and agreed a pair for wearing and a pair for reading. I picked them up then next week and started wearing them right away to get used to them. Web-Lock was driving and I swear everything looked surreal. I was still seeing blurry and at times double. Was this another trick? It was like seeing through someone else's eyes. I checked online about glasses, new prescriptions and not seeing things clearly. The answers were that it takes days to weeks for the brain and eyes to connect to seeing things.
Now, I see myself begging for cataract surgery within a year. Me and my glasses, we're not a good fit with my brain, at least at the writing of this newsletter. So, bring on the ugly, funky, black glasses!
We shall see, friends ... we shall see.  (I hope)
Kids, no matter how old, still say and do the darnedest things!
The other day I was texting with my daughters. Daughter number 2 has some of my witchy tendencies since she loves Halloween and Horror stories. One of her top ones besides Halloween, is Friday the 13th. Hmmm, see I told you she has some witchy tendencies. Witch reminds me, January has a Friday the 13th. Stay tuned for more fun with Beware Friday the 13th.  But I digress.
Daughter #2 sketched a knife like the one Michael Myers used in Halloween. She sent us the image on group text. What do you think? I want to get a tattoo like this sketch on my wrist!"
Daughter #3 replied, a knife on your wrist? It looks like you want to cut your wrist to those who don't get the Michael Myers theme you are trying to create."
Web-Mom: "Yeah, I agree with #3, a knife on the wrist is cringy. There's all those veins there and such a sensitive spot to be getting a tattoo."
Daughter #4: "You could put a Jack-O-Lantern with the knife to clarify the meaning of your tattoo."
Daughter #2: "I'm not getting a Jack-O-Lantern tattoo! I hate that idea!"
Daughter #4: "Mooooommmmmm! Tell sister #2 to like my ideas!"
Web-Mom: Daughter #2, please like your baby sister's ideas."
Folks, her "Mom" line took me back to the days when my daughters would argue and I'd hear my name being called just like that. A dragged-out Mooooommmmmm that meant it was time to break up the feud.
Her sisters cracked up over it too. They were all thinking the same thing about life back in the day. Daughter #4, always bounces back with humor. I wonder who she got that trait from? 
Loved that little texting battle of mother and daughters and memories of Christmases past. 
Making the season brighter:
"Where did he go?!!"
"What's wrong, WW?"
"Oh, Web-Lock, I'm looking for Jesus."
"Well WW, He's everywhere. He's in your heart, mind and prayers. You never lost Jesus, just got too busy to stop and thank Him for everything."
"What? Oh, no, I don't mean that He's lost to me. I mean that I just put the new ornament my friend sent me on the tree and baby Jesus fell out of the cradle and got lost somewhere in the tree or branches or on the floor, but I can't find Him!"
So, Web-Lock is crawling under the tree, pulling the skirt out of place, shaking it down to see if the babe falls out. But nothing! We went from branch to branch from where the cradle sat all the way down to the bottom of the tree. Nothing! It was one of those mysteries where the laws of physics seemed not to exist in my dwelling. An object there one minute, gone the next. So the hunt continued for a couple days.
Finally I took a long look at the ornaments on the tree. Over the years my friend and I sent each other a Christmas ornament. They have been quite interesting, diverse and always fun to give and receive. One such ornament was an elf. The red and green colors were bright and merry. The female elf wore an apron that had a little fold in it. It was like a light went on in my head. I pulled the elf forward a bit and ran my hand around her apron. There, tucked cozy and safely was the little babe, hidden within the apron.
"Web-Lock! I found Jesus!"
"I never doubted you would, WW."
I placed the special Jesus back in the manger. You see it was the last gift we received from our dear friend who passed away a couple years ago. He was a priest, and he visited the Holy Land and brought back the Babe in the manger as well as a miniature Nativity Scene.
The miracles of the season. No matter how you celebrate the holidays you can sense the special spirit that makes it oh, so magical!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and, Happy Holidays to all!
See you next year, folks! 
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Looky here ...
Coming Friday the 13th, January! 
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Aennaytte: Free & Wild in GoT 
Did you get WL unstuck from the pharmacy parking lot?
Yes! It took the AAA over an hour to rescue him, but all went well thereafter.
AmyJo- only 2 steps behind -  
Oh my goodness! I would have had to laugh to keep from crying! I'm glad you have such a great sense of humor, and could see past all of the craziness...so a wet sensor? WOW...hope you are having a great time in FLA now that hurricane season is over...LOL
Yup, laughing gets me through many a stressful situation. It's healthier that way too!
Thank you for your feedback!
HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!
See you in 2023!
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