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This week: Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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Can you believe the year is almost over? It seems I just opened the pool for some leisurely summer fun and frolics in cool, sparkling waters. Now, I am preparing for Christmas. Christmas shopping, gift wrapping and tree trimming can be a cause of stress. Stress is not funny. Well, that's not exactly true ... |
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Each year on the weekend following Thanksgiving, our family prepared for our yearly "hunt." Yes, we called going to a Christmas tree farm and choosing just the right tree the "hunt." Hey, we are armed with saws! Anyway, this little ritual seemed to grow more intense each year. Four daughters each demanded that their tree be chosen for the home. Therefore, I, who had the final say of which tree would wear my trimmings, had to make three out of four little ones, angry. However, I learned quickly to ignore all of their choices and chose another tree. It would make them complacent, or sad. Nevertheless, it was better than hearing three daughters crying that I love sister X more than them. This way they understood that I disliked them all equally! 
Eventually, the children grew and the hunt only consisted of me, my son and his father. We moved from our California home with high ceilings, to an antique New England home, with vertically challenged ones.
Suffice it to say, I am a little obsessed with just the right amount of fullness on the tree. Thus, we needed to find the perfect fourteen foot tree to cut down, drag to the car, hoist on the roof, bind with bungee cords and drive home. The only problem with that scenario is that the antique's ceilings are not even eight feet tall!
Yeah, I know what you 're thinking. No, I am not insane, living in a fools paradise or even slightly daft--well okay maybe that, however, there is always a method to my madness, as you will soon understand. 
You see, I had this vision of keeping the fullest part of the tree by trimming from the top and shaping it, rather than cutting several feet off the bottom. How clever is that? I thought I made my directions quite clear to the man I used to call my husband, but no, it fell on deaf ears. Actually, he hadn't heard a word I said up to that point, which was over twenty-years into the marriage; why would I expect a different result this time? Okay, yeah, back to the slightly daft issue. You guys are a tough audience, I tell you! 
Anyway, I was preparing supper when my husband ran into the kitchen and exclaimed he had cut the tree and it fits just fine in the living room. I was all sweetness and joy and thankful that the tree was waiting for my final touches. I had a collection of heavy, yet beautiful, Victorian ornaments to place on the bountiful, buxom boughs. However, when I reached the room where the tree stood, I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this little shrub in the place of the gracious, tall and full masterpiece that came home with us.
I began hearing words that sounded like something out of The Exorcist, followed by deep guttural yells and head spinning thoughts of violence. I really need to get control of that! "What (bleep,bleep) have you done to my beautiful tree? If I wanted a five foot tree I would have chosen and paid for that size tree. Why on earth would I pay over sixty dollars for a twig like this.?!!!" His response was--well it doesn't really matter what the response was, my tree was ruined, and so was supper.
Okay, so you want to know how it got resolved? Well let's just say that I am no stranger to a good old heavy duty hand drill. Copious amounts of glue, some screws and a few dowel rods did the trick. You've most likely heard of frankincense, right? Folks, I give to you the first Franken-tree! The shorter part was attached to the properly trimmed, fuller part of the tree, thus creating a dream tree out of the nightmare it was. 
Christmas spirit was not lost on that fateful evening. Where there is a drill there is a way.  That tree managed to survive the weeks leading up to Christmas, with all of the heavy decorations and without another soul noticing the patchwork trunk held together by screws, dowels and glue.
May your season be bright and filled with joy. I wish all of you, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, a December of friendship, love and fertile muses!
P.S. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A HUNGRY MAN WITH A SAW IN HAND!
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
The Merit Badge winner of my November Comedy Newsletter Challenge is:
Thank you so much Bill, for taking my challenge and making me laugh out loud,
Keeping with the spirits...
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When Mom's the Last to Know That She's Throwing a Surprise Party ...
Remember, The Word Die is in Diet!
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The Job That Requires That Special Talent!
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This Job Will Start off With a Bang ...
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Acme 
Another ace newsletter, WW And, just because I happen to know weird stuff, yes, S. Rocco (S. Roch) did exist and is the patron saint of invalids.
http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=156
Thanks Acme! I appreciate your feedback and useful link of the dear sainted ones! I am so glad the club was named after a real saint and not some prizefighter!
Shannon 
Ooh, you're one wily witch! Thanks so much for featuring my "Make Me Laugh HOLIDAY Shorts Contest" in this week's newsletter. What a delightfully unexpected surprise!
Well, it was my pleasure, Shannon! It also looks like you got another highlight here for the contest. Way to go girl! 
billwilcox
I gotcha a Thanksgiving whopper, "You Bet Yer Life, Pilgrim"
You sure did, Bill! Congratulations on that win! Thanks for submitting your story.
francie
WW, Your newsletters are wonderful. So far, I read the story about saving the duck. What an inspiring, but comical story. Imagine, a quacking duck in a box. Francie
Why thank you, Francie! I never know after my Newsletter comes out whether to duck and take cover or highlight a story about a duck. Either way, the luck of this duck was evident.
bookworm243
Great Newsletter with Hilarious Stories!
Oh, shucks, girl, you are making me blush!  I love it!
andromeda
Have you read chickens in the headlights? They have a similar experience with the chickens. Of course, they weren't for thanksgiving....
I can't say that I have read that story, Andromeda. I believe that whether the fowl be for Thanksgiving or not, a turkey, or not, there is always some fowl play involved!
Thanks to all who have submitted stories or comments to my Newsletter. I welcome all of your feedback and comedy, story submissions. Who knows? Perhaps your story will be featured in my next Newsletter. You may even be a lucky recipient of a Merit Badge, if you tickle my funny bone. Let's count down to a new year filled with wonderful surprises, warm friendships and a greater passion for writing!
See you next year, folks!
WW
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Comedy: December 10, 2008 Issue [#2758]
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