  Spiritual
This week: Edited by: THANKful Sonali LOVES DAD  
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For Your Own Good
Is it, really?
Yes and No. |
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From the second grade to the ninth grade, I had a classmate who regularly stole things ... money, books, whatever. She started out with small stuff, and then grew bolder. It went so far as her tearing up the submitted books and papers of those who got higher marks than she did, when these journals or papers were left on the teacher's desk. The principal of the school, not wanting to 'harm' her, chose to pretend she didn't know who was behind the theft and vandalism, though the students and teachers had pretty concrete evidence. The principal didn't initiate any measures to actually nab the culprit herself either. So, each time an incident occurred, all of us were questioned about our whereabouts at the time. Woe betide you if you'd forgotten your paint brush and nipped back in to the classroom from the art room, or if you had been alone in the classroom for any reason around the time something turned up missing or spoilt. You were 'guilty' till you could prove yourself 'innocent'. If your stuff was affected, you were blamed for leaving it about carelessly or losing it. Not only was there the trauma of losing stuff, there was the salt-in-the-wound of it somehow being your fault that you were the victim.
We, the students, learnt our own ways of coping, NEVER forgetting anything in the classroom, always making sure we were packed and ready to leave with everyone else at the dismissal bell, and so on -- but it was really, really stressful. The teachers, too, had to cope by carrying books and papers to the staff room as soon as they were submitted, not leaving them unattended for a moment. Even so, I lost irreplaceable notes before an important exam, and had to beg them from a friend when she needed them to study with. The girl was finally caught red-handed in the ninth grade in a way even the principal couldn't ignore, and got away with an apology and paying a nominal sum to each person she had stolen from that year. (The earlier years were forgotten.)
Years later, I was discussing this with my parents. I'm an educational resource person, and I told my parents how, initially when I was alone in a classroom, I had to take deep breaths and remind myself that this was a different place, a different time, I would not be called upon to answer for why I was by myself in the classroom on the morning of January the twenty-seventh.
"We considered taking you out of that school, you know, when we saw how much you were suffering," my (late) Mom said, abruptly.
"You did?" I was completely astonished. It hadn't occurred to me that changing schools was an option, but now that Mom had said it, it seemed so simple. (In India, parents place their children in any school in the city, and parents pay the school fees.) "Well, why didn't you? It would have saved me years of agony."
"Should we have?" Mom asked. "We didn't ask you at that time because we decided you should stay on, and we didn't want you to have any doubts."
I sputtered with indignation. Why hadn't they consulted me? Why had they just decided on my behalf?
When I calmed down, I had another conversation with them. Of course, they had decided right. The school had given me my creative foundation, both for my writing and acting. The same principal who berated me when my books were lost also ooohed and aahed over my first attempts at poetry, sending them to professional poets for evaluation. The same principal whose office I trembled to go to, to give 'evidence', was also the one who chose the costume I wore the first time I was on a big stage doing a comic role, and she guffawed loudly in the audience to encourage me. It was her teaching methods that have, I think, laid the foundation for my success with my own students today.
It took me a while to admit it, but I'm grateful to my principal.
I haven't spoken to her about the trauma I faced because of her decision to delay catching the real criminal for years, but she probably would've said it made me tougher!
So my parents decided on my behalf, in favour of keeping me in the same school. I would have decided differently then, I think, had I been given the option. My parents proved right, I would've been wrong and probably wouldn't have realised it, ever. I'm grateful to my parents.
So what happens when someone decides for someone else? Is it always okay? Adults often take decisions for children and sometimes for other adults. And "for your own good" always applies. If it is really, truly, for the person's own good, it's mostly okay. If not, it's not. Too often, 'it's more convenient / somehow better for us' is disguised as 'for your own good'.
My Dad's best friend admired a girl from afar. She happened to be a secretary, working for another friend. He confided in his sister that he was going to ask for an introduction, that he thought he might be in love with her and marry her. His sister didn't want her brother to marry a 'mere' secretary, and prevented the introduction by getting the common friend to tell him she was already happily married. That wasn't true ... the sister and the friend took a decision for the guy, that he was better off not married to a secretary, and didn't even allow the two to meet properly, by telling a falsehood. "For his own good" they justified to my Dad, when they told him. Well, I don't think so. "He's happy today," his sister says, in her defence. He's in an arranged marriage to a bride chosen by his parents, he has two children, now grown, has his comforts and his problems -- but is he happier than he might have been with his first love, had they dated and married? Who can tell? I think it should have been up to him to decide.
As librarian in a school, one of my students was a boy who had dreamt of being head-boy of the school since he had joined, nine years previously. During his years in school, he had grown to be popular with the students and trusted by the teachers. It was obvious that he would win the election for head-boy by a landslide. As polling day approached, he wrote a campaign-speech for himself. Then his parents intervened. They didn't allow him to stand for election. They wanted him to be a doctor, he had to do well in his examinations, being head-boy would take away too much time from studies. The boy was shattered. He wanted to join his grandfather's restaurant business, he didn't want to be a doctor. It was a long-standing dream to become head-boy. But he was forced to step down, and did. I met one of his classmates lately and heard that he's doing fine as a pediatrician. I'm glad -- but I still haven't forgotten the look in his eyes when he told me he isn't standing ...
Making a decision for yourself is a big responsibility. Making one for someone else is a huge, massive, enormous responsibility. You can not actually know what the person is thinking, feeling and going through no matter how close you think you are to them. Nobody can predict how the future is going to be and how the path not taken might have worked out. But I think people need to decide for themselves as far as is possible. Friends and family can help by being sounding boards and supports, but the final decision should rest with the person.
My Mom, as principal in a nursery school, urged parents of children as young as two years to help their child make decisions. "Let the child decide what to wear, from out of two or three available choices. Let the child decide whether a soft tomato makes a better sandwich or makes better soup." While some things, like bed time, might be fixed, others need to be flexible so that the child can learn to decide things, and can see the consequences of decisions. If the child is going to the neighbour's and decides to wear a wool sweater on a hot day, let him. If he's uncomfortable, he'll realise his decision needs amending. He can always come back home and change. For a longer trip, you could let him choose which colour to wear. Talk over the decision, in an encouraging, age-appropriate way. I was five when Mom let me choose my own toys. The monthly budget was fixed, which toy I chose from within the price-range was flexible. When I was seven, I wanted toys that were more expensive than Mom's budget provided. I learnt to accumulate the money. "I won't buy toys in March or April. Then I can get the big doll in May," I'd say, and Mom would let me. The big doll was loved all the more for the wait she had cost. The thing is, Mom taught me to make my own decisions, she decided to let me decide so that, as I grew, she didn't need to decide for me! I'm ever grateful to her for that, just as I'm grateful for the one time she decided not to let me decide. My changes of career, from accountancy to advertising to librarianship to education, have all been my own, with her heartfelt support and encouragement every step of the way.
Making decisions is hard. It involves taking the available facts into account and attempting to foresee what might happen in the short and long term if one or the other options is taken. It involves head-thinking and heart-feeling. It involves using the gut and the cerebrum. Allowing others to make their own decisions can be more difficult than making a decision for yourself. Sparing them the pain of decision making is tempting at times.
Which should you do? I leave it to you to decide.
Thanks for listening!
- Sonali
PS: Do write in if you have anecdotes to share about making decisions, for yourself or for others!
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Some items I found on Writing Dot Com to do with making decisions, choices -- or not making them.
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A parent who decided to be different -- and let children judge a contest!
A great group that spreads positivity around Writing Dot Com!
To round off, a lighthearted look at decision making!
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Elaine's Beary Limited*~ 
Volunteering is a God-send to the ones volunteering and to the ones they are helping. I had a friend at the United Way in Rogersville. She was always overworked because they were the only place in our small town that helped people in trouble. I used to spend a lot of time there helping out with the community. She always helped me when I was having problems. She knew my back history and she accepted my help in her office. I had been trained for seven months in secretarial training and I used it to help my friend. I enjoyed the time I spent there. So I think the helpers are as blessed as the people they help.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I'm glad you could use your training to help others! 
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Maria Mize 
Great newsletter! You weren't bragging about the charity you give but simply sharing your motivation, which is encouraging.
I'm glad you felt that way. It is a bit daunting to 'speak' about doing charity lest it comes across as showing-off. Thanks for your feedback! 
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fleckgirl
Really a great NL Sonali! Volunteering can be done for sooo many reasons - and it can start out in so many different ways, some of which might be selfish, but become a most selfless act. I really enjoyed reading your NL and hope that everyone who reads it can think of at least one way they can volunteer to make a difference - for themselves and for others. It's good for everyone! Win-Win! 
Fleck
Thank you! It's overwhelming to think that the Newsletter might actually motivate people to make a difference. I hope so, too!
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spidey 
Great Newsletter!! I was in Girl Scouts for 9 years, and we did a lot of volunteering. I'd love to get back into it. Thank you for inspiring me to do so!  
YAY! Go for it! Wow! Thank you for writing in!
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werden 
Good newsletter
Here are my thoughts about volunteering.
It should come from your heart and should be done for the right reasons, love and compassion for those you are helping.
It shouldn't be a straitjacket you use to put on yourself and others.
It shouldn't be an opportunity to show how spiritual you are or how less spiritual those are who don't volunteer the way you think they should.
I think people have to understand that a lot of people volunteer, they just don't always do it for acceptable charities. Helping a neighbor in need, watching a neighbor's children while they play on the street. spending a night in prayer for someone in need are all volunteer activities...
those are just some of my thoughts...
thanks for sharing
That is an interesting take on volunteering -- any help, given to anyone, is volunteering. Thanks for writing in!
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Spiritual: May 13, 2009 Issue [#3016]
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