  Comedy
This week: Time Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
― Anthony G. Oettinger
How did it get so late so soon?
― Dr. Seuss
They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
― Andy Warhol
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
― Bill Watterson |
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Daylight Savings Time
Aw, here we go again. On Sunday, most of you (theoretically) set your clocks ahead an hour. Most sources describe this as "losing an hour of sleep," but good grief, just wake up an hour later the next morning. Don't lose sleep over this crap.
Time's a funny thing anyway (hence a Comedy newsletter about it). Used to be every city kept its own time, while out in the country, nobody cared about anything except the rising and setting of the sun. Then railroads came along and frakked everything up, because the only way to keep train schedules straight in the BC years (Before Computers) was to make sure everyone was on the same time system - a kind of chronocracy.
But that wouldn't work, either, because then you'd have part of the world waking up for work as the sun was setting, and the other part waking up at some ungodly early hour like 9 am.
So "time zones" were invented to try to keep the clock roughly aligned with the apparent location of the sun. Ideally, for instance, noon happens when the sun is at its highest point in the local sky. This would mean that "noon" occurs along some ever-shifting infinitesimal slice of the Earth's surface. Well, that won't work, either, so they decided that, well, as long as the sun's at zenith sometime in the general vicinity of noon, and so the planet was divided into 24 thicker slices, each one a "time zone."
Since then, of course, politics have determined the boundaries of time zones more than science or engineering, and thus we get a system that's almost as complicated as every location having its own local time. Almost.
Then some enterprising Brit, realizing that his country had invented too many awesome things like steam engines, physics, and stout ale, balanced the scales by proposing Daylight Saving Time to get "an extra hour of daylight."
And that's still how most people think of it: an extra hour of daylight.
But it's not. They lie. You can't get extra hours of daylight without moving to the Arctic in summer and the Antarctic in winter (which is a bad idea) or slowing down the earth's rotation (which may or may not be a bad idea, but we have no way of doing that so it's a moot point). No, the price you pay for a later sunset is (gasp) a later sunrise.
You. Gain. Nothing.
Stop it. Seriously, just stop.
But DST isn't the problem. Not really. The problem is that the work hours of the Industrial Revolution still hold sway: Eight in the morning until five in the afternoon, assuming an hour break for lunch. There's some play in that, of course, but those are presented as the ideal working hours to get in a 40 hour work week and still have weekends. There's just one problem with that: Like flying cars and jetpacks, they promised us decades ago that the computer revolution would a) eliminate paperwork and b) shorten the work week. Well, many people do have shorter workweeks AND get paid less, which wasn't the point. We still have paperwork, either way. But the point was to have more leisure time.
You want to keep working a 40 hour week and still have time to frolic under the unrelenting gaze of the daystar? How about if we didn't work during the day? Huh? How awesome would that be? Work while it's DARK and play while it's light. That's what we need to do.
Or, just keep DST year round and stop making me change every non-computer clock I own.
It's 2013, people. I shouldn't have to mess with the clock in my flying car AT ALL. |
Just a few funnies to pass the... time.
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (February 5, 2013)" , I ranted about poetry. It must have worked, because I haven't had this much feedback in ever.
Fi  :  Ha ha ha! Can't stop laughing! This is SO true. I agree with every word you said, twice over. I gag over this stuff. How can people call that poetry? I seriously thought that poem was a joke! What is this world coming to?!
I keep expecting to get hate mail from that poet.
Sum1  : You know, I can't agree more with you. What you say about poets in this newsletter is absolutely correct. I went to that link and read it, and I think my reaction was exactly the same as yours. And that's what always turned me off to poetry. So how did I start writing it myself? No idea. But I firmly believe a poem should still tell a story, one that can be read by anyone, and understood! Nice newsletter, I can see our minds think alike in poetry, and that might be a little scary. 
Anyone whose mind is like mine should be watched carefully. I don't think a poem necessarily has to tell a story; it's perfectly okay if it sets a scene or strikes a mood or whatever; most importantly for our purposes here in this newsletter, poems can be comedic verse. Stories can be used to tell stories more directly. But that's certainly a legitimate use of poetry.
Magoo  : Thank you for the great newsletter. I always feel like a lot of poetry is like the "emperor with no clothes." I don't get it either. All I write is simple rhyming poetry and about two thirds of it is comedy. Magoo
Perfectly good use of time and talent.
Red Writing Hood <3  : Loved the rant!
Thanks! Made me feel better! 
Quick-Quill  : We are of like minds. I rarely read/review poetry because its symbolism is in one person's mind and usually doesn't transcribe to another. Oscar Wilde, Emily Dickinson are poets that write sentiment that is understood and funny. I still remember the poem by O.W. I memorized for a English class in middle school. The teacher was shocked, but I thought it funny! Still do short and to the point.
The best poetry takes common symbols and uses them to make connections that the reader might have otherwise missed. Also, limericks.
DRSmith : Man o' man... did you ever stroke a nerve the right way. I was once asked to write a free verse (vs traditional rhyme/meter) by a mag. As an example, the editor provided a previous "poem of the month" which went something like this: "As I row across the lake, I can see the dragonflies screwing. Stop! It's Sunday."
And that was it. Need I say any more? 99% of the time, free verse to me is like a guy who fancies himself an "artist" by throwing gobs of paint at a canvas and put's a hefty price tag on it, all the while strutting about as if it's a Rembrandt.
That one isn't even funny.
Merry Mumsy  : Well that's five minutes I'll never get back . . . *rimshot*
Puh-lease! The damn CAT is supposed to launder his OWN damn cat suit, for crying out loud!
But then he'd have to touch water.
valiant: This was a great newsletter! I have been sincerely disappointed more than just newer poetry. Most of what is showing on the best seller rack at the stores has been atrocious. I'm beginning to believe they are on the rack because they are all that are being publish by the "deep" thinkers. It's all blood and guts or how my being born male has distorted my viewpoints or how my being heterosexual is a mental abrasion. We've got some good writers here, and I'm stuck reading Steven Erikson. (I was forced)
No one wants to read anything from your privileged, patriarchal, cis-male, heteronormative viewpoint
k-9cooper: Yes poetry is a misunderstood art. No one in these times gets a good poem anymore. I blame social networking. To many feelings are put out there and not enough developed from the soul. We are electronic now and not enough human time. No wonder Skynet is going to take over the world.
As an introvert, I actually think electronic communication is superior. But to each their own
LJPC - the tortoise : Hi Robert!
I have no patience for pretentious things also. For instance, I love Sci-Fi but never got the big obelisk thing at the end of "2001: A Space Odyssey." What the heck was that thing? And don't get me started on the apes and the bone. Just weird. Like a lot of poetry. Ugh. 
~ Laura
Well, it just happens that my other great literary love is science fiction and fantasy. The obelisk first shows up at the beginning of "2001" and it looms over a group of pre-human apes and, suddenly, one of them first learns how to use a tool. The newly intelligent human throws the tool into the air, and a million years (give or take) of evolution is compressed into a simple cutscene - the bone tool appears to become a spaceship. The implication is that the obelisk kick-started our current tool-using phase of human development, which led over the millennia to space exploration.. This phase ends when we visit other planets, where the obelisks are there waiting for us to find them so that they can kick us into the next phase of human development.
Nothing at all like bad poetry
embe : In a moment in time for a laugh,
read - Lost in February Waltz
in this newsletter,
the reasons why
were not poets
by embe,
my poem attached
just for fun and laughter.
[Submitted Item: "Invalid Item" ]
I thought of a couplet to praise this submission
But my rhyming devices are out of commission.
And that's it for me for March - see you in the cruelest month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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Comedy: March 13, 2013 Issue [#5556]
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