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This week: Moms Know Best! Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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This newsletter is dedicated to all those loving mothers out there who are starting to sound like their own mothers. It does happen, you know. All those promises made to avoid responding in our mother’s voice sort of sneaks up on a person, doesn’t it?
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter. We were warned of things each day that would cause us great harm if we did or didn’t do something. I’m sure you have some similar close calls with impending death, disease and blindness. Yes, folks, I’m talking about old wives’ tales, urban legends and other quotes handed down from generation to generation.
Web~Mom’s advice to me when I was a child were as follows:
“Don't go outside in the winter with wet hair. You'll catch a cold!” Folks, let me tell you now, I have survived wet hair going outside in the winter. So you can scratch that one off your list of fears.
“You have a temperature, you can only drink fluids or you’ll get sick!” But I’m already sick if I have a fever; must I go hungry, also?
“You’ve got a cold, eat something to keep up your strength.” But my throat hurts and I can’t swallow! Remember the old quote, Feed a cold, starve a fever? Except that the original saying was Feed a cold, stave a fever. Which meant that if you kept up with your nutrition it was supposed to help the cold from getting worse, which might prevent the onset of a fever.
“Eat your fish. It is brain food.” Actually, that part is true. I am pretty smart and I like fish. 
“Burnt toast helps you to sing better!” Wrong! I can eat that stuff until my last breath and I won’t be able to carry a tune.
If a piece of candy or other food item falls on the floor, or heaven forbid, it falls on the ground, she‘d say, “Kiss it up to God and there will be no germs and it will be safe to eat.” Other mothers told their kids there was a five-second rule. “If it’s on the ground for less than five seconds, it’s okay to eat.” Yeah, right! 
“Oh, no! You broke a mirror? That means seven years bad luck! Quick throw some salt over your shoulder, make the sign of the cross and go light a candle at church.” But isn’t the salt over the shoulder thing only meant for when you spill pepper on the table? Web~Mom believed that leaving no stone unturned was best. One of those things would help remove the bad luck, so might as well do them all.
If I told her my hand itched, she’d ask which hand. “Itchy right hand, you’re getting money. If it’s the left hand, you’re going to have to pay for something.” Oh, great! What if you’re left- handed, does it work the same way?
“Itchy nose? You’re going to kiss a fool!” The jury’s still out on that one, folks. I have allergies, thus itchy eyes and nose when those pollen seasons come, and I have kissed a lot of fools in my lifetime. Perhaps that one is true.
“If you’re ear is ringing, that means someone is talking about you.” Hmm, these days people are really talking about me a lot! Or, it could just be tinnitus.
One day I noticed I put my shirt on inside out before heading out to play with the neighborhood kids. “You’d better leave it that way because it will bring you luck.” Really? Have you ever found it lucky to run outside with an inside-out-shirt and think that all your friends would ignore that state of warped apparel placement? It never ends well.
“Two knives set on the table at one place-setting, means a man is going to visit. If it’s two forks, It’ll be a woman.” I know that one doesn’t work. As a teen, I tried placing two knives at the same place-setting for more days a week than my mother could believe was a mistake, in hopes a handsome young man would knock on the door. So you young ladies out there can stop doing that. You’ll just have to find your handsome prince some other way.
“Don’t open an umbrella inside the house, it’s bad luck!” Well what’s the cure to prevent that? Do I spin three times in one direction and then reverse the process in the other direction? Please, help me out here. It’s too late to undo the umbrella being prematurely opened. It’s doomsville, folks. She had no cure for that terrible act of self-induced bad luck.
Feel a shiver? Her response was, “someone’s walking on your grave.” But, I’m not dead, yet. 
“Lift your feet. We’re driving over railroad tracks.” What about the driver? Will Web-Dad survive this terrible train fate if he keeps his foot on the gas pedal? I guess we all hoped he’d gas it and get us over the tracks so we’d never have to find out. But I always wondered how the train would know which one of us had our feet touching the floor and specifically target that person. I mean, we’re all in the same car, right?
“If you don’t shave your legs when you’re young, there will be hardly any hair on your legs as an adult.” Yeah, well, I didn’t get that hairless gene. I had a thick forest on those legs by eleven-years-old. Sorry Web~Mom, I can’t undo what nature’s already done. Now, about that Lady Shick electric razor ...
I hated spiders. When I was a kid I would scream for somebody in the house to kill it for me. “You know, if you kill a spider, it will rain.” I don’t care, WM, they scare the crap out of me! “Don’t say that word!” Crap was the G-Rated word, here, folks. 
“Sleep with a piece of wedding cake under your pillow and you’ll dream of the man you’ll marry.” Oh, what a nightmare. ‘Nuff said!
“Catch the bridal bouquet; you’ll be the next to marry.” Refer back to the aforementioned nightmare. My suggestion? Eat the cake and always mis-catch the bouquet.
Web~Mom shared some of her wisdom with Web-Lock over the last five years.
“Do you like the seafood chowda,Web-Lock?”
“Yes, WM, it’s very good!”
“Uh, uh, uh. You shouldn’t talk with chowda in your mouth, you’ll choke.”  But he just wanted to respond to her question in as timely a manner as possible. If he delayed his answer until every morsel was gone from the mouth, she would have intimated that he wasn’t sure he liked it or he wouldn’t have to think on it for so long. Old people have their eccentricities. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The chowda was fabulous, by the way.
That same day, the two of them were in a conversation about this man she knew. She talked about some kooky thing he had done that was amusing. Then she told WL that the guy is dead, now.
“Oh, I’m sorry WM! I know he was a friend of yours. What did he die of?”
She responds -- drum roll, please ... “Oh, nothing serious.”
Mother’s Day is coming soon. It will be the first without my mother. Cherish your moms, folks. They leave so much of themselves within our spirit, when they are gone. You will one day, be sharing your amusing mom-quotes with your children and grandchildren. I bet you’ll even give them some of those warnings that are similar to the ones above just to keep them safe. I know there are scores more of old sayings that I’ve left out, which perhaps you’ve experienced while growing-up. Feel free to share them in the feedback section. I’ll post them next month.
Since my next newsletter will be later in May, I’d like to wish all of you mothers a Happy Mothers’ Day! 
That’s all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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billwilcox
I'm one of those guys that can throw crap food-stuffs around in the kitchen. But being a man, I don't like stupid recipes telling me what to do, oh no, so I ad-lib a lot . . . A LOT. Nothing tastes like it's suppose to, but hey, that's all part of my trademark. 
You sound so adventurous, Bill! So long as you're a happy cooker, it's all good.  Thanks for the feedback! 
drjim
Allllllright, ALLLLLLRIGHT! Webbie, I can take it, I can take it! Its TRUE that I DO l-o-t-s and L-O-T-S of housework and prepping veggies for juicing is one of many assorted tasks that I take seriously. Putting my shoes up on the ottoman was a mere miscalculation on my part, nothing to it! I actually enjoy taking care of WW, you know? I mean, each night, we dine on something sumptuous and divine, so how can a guy like moi complain?!? We work GREAT as a team, though I daresay we split 'the water closet' duties on an equal basis....or something like that! When you love someone for as long as we both have, one simply does the work without further thought. Great NL, as usual!
It wasn't the ottoman, WL. It was a kitchen chair. However, you are way too good to me, for me to complain about shoes on the chair -- occasionally, that is. 
Zheila 
Hi Web Witch;
I read your story and it reminded me of my late father ( he passed away last week on March 20th). My mother and my father were fighting all the time about the same thing you have described. He always showed up with the broom when my mother was preparing food for the family and start cleaning with an old broom and then he would pick up the dirt from the broom and put it on the dining table and would make my mother mad.
He sounded like a similar personality to WL's. They have this magnetic draw to the kitchen to sweep the floor precisely at food preparation time. 
So sorry to hear about your father's passing. 
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW! My husband doesn't cook, but also likes to rearrange the spice shelf and the different utensil drawers. Sometimes I come to cook and can't find things!  He also believes that the floor makes the best closet and tries to keep all his clothes and shoes there, so he can "find everything easily." I'm glad you lost some weight with the juicer - yay!  Now, if you could only find your spices.
~ Laura
It does drive me to distraction when I reach for something in one cupboard only to find it has been transplanted to a place I'd never put it. I knew I couldn't be alone in this type of kitchen drama with the guy of the house. Thanks for the feedback, Laura!
BIG BAD WOLF is hopping 
Things could be worse- he might forget to wash his hands.
and submits "What's Behind Me?"
Thanks for the feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month.
~WW
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Comedy: April 23, 2014 Issue [#6276]
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