  Comedy
This week: Trains, Trucks, Planes, and Plants Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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Finally, after more than a month of delays, we are headed to our Southern Comfort home. |
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Hello folks, welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter. Lucky you, you got to have me twice this month.  As all, if not most of the dozen of you who read my newsletters know, I travel South each year as the frosty weather approaches. In fact I try very hard to beat a pathway to the highway before October ends. However, that was not the case this year. You see, Web-Lock needed to have some shoulder surgery done before we could even consider traveling, and the only opening for his surgeon was November. Happy to report he came through surgery great! However, with a sore shoulder and many miles ahead of us, we decided to take a different approach to traveling South.
The Auto-train! 
We could put us and Ruby on the train and leave the driving to them.
Great idea, but required us to travel to a city near Washington DC. Traveling soon after surgery would be difficult with the bumpy roads and chances of snow on the way, which would slow us down. Trains don’t wait for no one!  Then there was the fact that there were no more sleeper cabins left, thus exposing WL to bumps and bruises on the shoulder in such tight places with a very full passenger list. Nope, that wouldn’t do at all!
 Ruby, I hate to tell you this, but ...
You are going to Florida without us this year. You will love it, believe me. Think about this, you will have door to door careful handling and not put one shred of wear and tear upon your vital parts and your tires. You are being chauffeured via the interstate transit system on a big yet very personal carrier, concerned for your safety. Also, you will be traveling with others just like you. You will meet friends, chew the fat in the breeze on your open air ride to Florida.
I assure you it will be relaxing and energizing and you will be expected to perform at top quality when you are reunited with your family in Florida. It’s not you, Ruby, I know you have been a faithful car for years, but Papa-Web-Lock won’t be able to do any driving for a while, so that’s why you will be going without us. I know, separation anxiety is real.  But think of this ... your driver's name is Fabio! How cool is that? Cars all over the interstate will be envious of you being chauffeured by a man named "Fabio." 
 Planning and plotting and planting ...
How to get my house plants that were my mothers back down South with me, since Ruby won’t be coming with us?
I’ve considered unpotting them, wrapping the roots in a moist paper towel and then cover them with plastic wrap, then wrapping the stems and leaves in newspaper, then place them in a bin and let them travel with Ruby to Florida.
 Questions: Interstate Commerce and plants and what if they check vehicles en route at the weigh stations or checking stations over the Florida border? What if they confiscate my precious plants that I’ve lovingly nurtured since my mother passed away? What if -- what if ...
 Second thought, I could do all of the above steps to let the plants travel safely through UPS. I'll wrap them, set a date for delivery, and they should be able to withstand the dark trip for a few days. I will also give my son some cuttings, just in case. And, I will try to sneak a few cuttings in my carry on luggage. Do plants look like plants when x-rayed? Perhaps I’ll put the fake nose and glasses that Groucho Marx loved to wear on the wrapped plants. That will fool them! 
Ruby is settled 
Plants’ possibilities
 Airline tickets! ???!!!
Okay, Since Ruby was leaving home without us and heading on her journey to Florida, we had to get us to Florida, also.
After I had hired the transport company to pick up Ruby, I scanned the “interweb” to find a couple tickets to Florida on the day before Thanksgiving. I found that not only was it looking impossible to find tickets for WL and I in the same row at our closest airport, it was becoming difficult to find 2 empty seats on the same plane!
Eventually, after several cups of coffee and trying any airport in New England, within an hour and a half’s drive, I finally found them, and we had seats in the same row. Now the big decision, which seat did WL want and which seat did this witch want?
We could sit next to each other, but that would require one of us sitting in the middle seat. Web-Lock loves, and with his sore shoulder at risk, needed a window seat on the side of the bad shoulder. I, a bit claustrophobic, required an aisle seat. Easy out if I need to make a stop in the little closet they call a rest room. I hate bothering people by asking them to let me pass over them to get to the aisle. So, we each got our way. WL in the window seat and me in the aisle seat, and some poor last-minute flyer would get stuck in the middle, between us. 
Airline tickets
 Packing and more packing ...
What goes in the car, what gets sent UPS and what travels on the plane with us? We are allowed 100 pounds of luggage in Ruby’s trunk while on the carrier, my 50 pounds will be carving knives and a cleaver, that travel north and south with me, and my golf clubs and bag. (And perhaps a few plant roots just in case the others don’t make it through alive.) I mean really, are they going to inspect every vehicle? They probably have plant-sniffing dogs, and since recreational marijuana use passed in Massachusetts, it would be my car they’d think of searching because it’s from that “Hippy-State.” They won’t find any of that stuff in my Ruby, of course, but they may find my mother’s plants and discard them. Why does everyone want to destroy those poor plants?  But, yeah, not a good idea to have any earthy-smelling roots in my vehicle that may be inspected.
 Just when I thought I had everything covered ...
WebLock asked a question that made a whole lot of sense.
“How are we going to get to the airport if Ruby is leaving a day before we go, WebWitch?” 
Airport transportation! Yes, that’s it! There are always shuttles available for any of the top three airports. It doesn’t just have to be to Boston. Back online I went to get an airport shuttle to take us to Connecticut.
Airport Shuttle hired
Worrying and waiting ...
All that was left was to wait until Ruby’s pick-up and keep working on closing down the money pit by arranging for Web-Son to meet the plumber after we leave to winterize the pipes, and then suspend services, phone, electric and Dish.
 With a little help from my friends ...
As I write this newsletter, and am pretty sure I’ve covered everything that needs covering, I am sipping on a brand new adult beverage. It’s called the “Mogarita-jito” I don’t have much of either the margarita or mojito mix, so I mixed them together. And since I’m out of tequila, I added rum. It works.
 The thing is, folks, whatever the obstacles, we can find a way to push them out of our way and keep moving forward. It was a tough month of October, and much of November, as we awaited WL’s surgery to be done. Surgery always fills the mind with worries, but he went through it like a champ. We celebrated an early Thanksgiving with family before his surgery and then made all the arrangements to get into the sunshine state asap. What better place to heal?
 By the time this newsletter arrives in your inbox, I will be settled comfortably at my Southern Command Center, and enjoying the arrival of Christmas.
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Submitted by Grin 'n Bear It! 
Here's a short flash fiction comedy piece that goes well with the season. Never submitted an item to a newsletter before, but thought "Why not?" I especially enjoy the Comedy NL as subscribers to this NL are much more likely to appreciate the challenge of writing "funny." It's a difficult genre that probably doesn't get enough respect!
Thank you, Meg, it's Submitted! See, that was easy. 
Feedback from my last Newsletter: "Comedy Newsletter (November 2, 2016)"
Marci Missing Everyone
Oh my word, WW... That is the most hilarious story ever!!! Thank you for sharing.
Truth is stranger and funnier than fiction! (Seriously, I can't make this stuff up, folks!)
Thank you, Marci. May you and yours have a very Merry Christmas! 
papadoc1
I truly loved this write up for this edition of the Comedy NL, Webbie! I have heard this story before, many years back, and now it has come to light once more and it is a doozy! Thanks for the laughs and God bless all the family now in Heaven!! I am sure they are laughing up there!! 
They are laughing if there are no mice in heaven!  Otherwise, I'm not so sure!
Thanks, Doc! Cheers to a wonderful Christmas! 
Elfin Dragon-finally published 
That is soo funny! Reminds me of the time I lived in Texas and was attacked by a Texas-sized cockroach. It might have well been a mouse. Although the stupid thing could fly as well. I stayed on my couch for the whole day waiting for it to go through the roach trap and die. Boy, you want fear have a roach the size of large sedan fly at you.
I've met up with said Texas flying roaches when I lived there. Everything you describe about them is true!  They hiss, too!
Thank you, Elfindragon! Have a marvelous holiday season! 
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW! What a colorful and event-filled story! I can just see the three of them sitting on the table, drinking wine. I think a mousetrap would have been a good solution though. We used to have mice in our house and my mom put traps under the sink and in the cupboards. Got the mice with no hysteria, screaming or beating of brooms. 
~ Laura
That would have been too icky for my mother to deal with! She hated them with a passion -- dead or alive! 
Thanks, Laura! Merry Christmas!
Thank you for the feedback, folks!
See you next month,
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Comedy: November 30, 2016 Issue [#7983]
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May your holidays be happy and bright! 
