  Comedy
This week: R.I.P. Ruby! Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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If you have been, or still are, one of my Comedy Newsletter followers, you know that Ruby is my car. So, belt yourselves in, we are going for a ride -- perhaps Ruby's last spin.  |
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Ruby’s my main wheels. She takes me from my Northern Command Center to my Southern one, and back, each year, for the most part, since she was shipped here last autumn. However, Ruby has been a rugged, loyal and comfortable Volvo, SUV, since 2005. (No, 2005 is not a dinosaur -- yet.)
I know, I know, that’s a long life in auto-years these days, since they don’t make cars like they used to. But, she was loved each and every one of those years, so it breaks my heart to have to announce that she has been given a death sentence.
That’s right, it happened a couple weeks back, when I decided to replace the two tires that didn’t need replacing last spring, because of a worn bushing that knocked the other two tires out of balance, thus wearing them out before their mileage clock ran out. You may perhaps remember that fiasco last year, when it took about six weeks to get my front tires replaced with the proper bushing? If not, I’ll include that link here.  "Comedy Newsletter (March 23, 2016)"
However, I digress. A couple weeks ago, I got the new tires put on, and then made an appointment with my regular mechanic, not the tire place, to give her the once-over safety check so she’d be able to travel safely North. I dropped her off the day before and felt good that she was getting her yearly physical and would soon be purring to hit the highway.
(((Ring!!! ring-ring!)))
“Hello, this is Bill. You may not want to hear this, because I know how much you love, Ruby. However, you may want to think about buying another car, like -- NOW!”
I felt pale, the bile starting to rise within my guts, causing WL to ask if I was okay.
“What do mean, bbbbb-buy another car? I want my Ruby. What’s wrong with her that would warrant such drastic action?”
“I’m sorry to have to tell you -- she’s in 4th stage rust. In other words, Ruby has car cancer. There is no cure, she will continue to rust until her bottom falls apart. She is not safe to drive any long distance. In fact, the drive back home from here cannot be guaranteed as safe. The rust is due to the Northern winters and the salting of the roads -- it wreaks havoc on cars. And, since Ruby spent half her life in New England during the winters, before you became a snowbird, it was enough to do substantial damage. I think you should really plan her trip to the auto grave, and start looking for another vehicle.”
“Auto-grave? You think of Ruby as scrap?!!!  Ughhhh, well -- let me get back to you in a day or two. Keep her comfortable until I decide what to do.”
“Yes, dear, I’ll give you time to decide how you want to handle the remains of the remains.”
I gathered at the pool with friends in my community, who know and understand my relationship to Ruby. I broke the news to them, and saw the sadness in their eyes. After all, Ruby has kept them entertained for years, as I have replaced parts, waited unreasonable amounts of time for front tires and parts to keep them on, to arrive, and listened to my protests anytime one of them would even dare to suggest trading her in.
After the condolences were issued to me, I proceeded to tell them about the memorial service I would plan in honor of Ruby. We’d have a pool party with food and beverages and send her out in style.
Later that night, I tossed and turned, my sleep flitting in and out. Then, the horror of it all came to me in a dream. I was in Ruby’s back seat, because, I was her “captain” and I would not let her go down, alone. I realized I was in the junk yard, and the “crusher” was working its way down onto Ruby. I heard the metal cracking under the weight and the roof of the car coming closer to me, now lying on the floor of the car. At the point the windows blew out, I realized I needed to save my own life. After all, it was too late for Ruby, and Web-Lock would never forgive me for leaving him behind over some leather and steel. I crawled out of the window just as the “crusher” was coming down for the final kill-shot.
I woke up in a sweat, folks. Perhaps it was because of the near death escape, or because it was 88 degrees and my air conditioner was set too high with the sun beating on the tin can, but sweating, nevertheless.
I ran to the phone, dialed the mechanic and yelled-out, “Stop the Pressers! I have a plan!”
And this story, folks, will be continued in my next Comedy Newsletter. 
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Christopher Roy Denton 
Yeah, my kids and my wife HAD to have a HUGE argument over THAT video. 
 It did bring many emotions to a roaring boil, for sure, Robert!
brom21 
I had no idea how viral this video became. I do not watch much television but I did happen to see the video. I have a friend who worked at an airport and she said it was "ghetto." Maybe it was United she was working at Lol. Very funny start to this newsletter edition!
Ugh-Ohh! It does make it more intense when one has had direct dealings with these sort of airport malfunctions. May your friend stay safe during these hectic times.
Thank you for the feedback! 
papadoc1
WW, what can I say? The guy IS a Doctor, he DOES have patients to treat AND...mind us...he later sustained broken bones, dislocated joints, broken teeth - all these caused by United Airlines employees? Naaaaw. I must say how impressive the Chicago Police can certainly be when the time arrives. 
Indeed, Papa Doc, indeed! It was not one of an airline's finer moments, that's for sure. A bit of over zealous help by Chicago's finest. Costly mistakes by all involved.
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW! The United debacle has unleashed furor across the videosphere. Now there are bunches of videos of angry passengers vs angry flight attendants, and in the most recent a short American Airline flight attendant jerks a stroller out of an overhead compartment, nearly hitting passenger and baby, and takes it off the plane. Passenger, trying to care for baby and toddler, breaks down in tears. unrelated male passenger leaves seat and threatens flight attendant. (You can't make this stuff up!) And of course the comedians are having a blast with the parodies - so there's a silver lining! My question is, when did cute little 1960-1970s stewardesses become pit bulls?
~ Laura
 Seriously!!! Where did the "Friendly Skies" go?
Quick-Quill 
Sorry I didn't find this "funny". My husband travels A LOT. Last week we were in 7 airports in 7 days. I don't find TSA funny. I find them pathetic and inefficient. Each has a rule they make up and stick to. One ordered my husband to take his passport out of its plastic cover. This year it will expire. In all this time no agent has EVER ordered it to be removed, but she claimed it was a rule. He confronted her supervisor who said that it wasn't a rule. He told the supervisor to instruct the agent to reevaluate her "Rule."
Each Airline attendant can have bad days. I'm not excusing them, I deal with the public every day, I found some passengers who are determined to be pushy, arrogant and argumentative, just to get free trips and push the poor attendants to the limit. Give them the benefit. They may have many more miles to serve others.
Sounds like a horrible trip for your hubby. They have us jumping through hoops like a circus act. It's the attitude of power over common sense. I think there's been a lot of unreasonable rules "created" out of fear and all in the name of safety. Just take off smoothly, stay in the air when your flying, and land without drama -- in between, don't put your hands on us unless you see a real threat from us. Then open a floor shoot and let us fall through until we sort it out after landing.
I know what you mean about the frustrations of it all -- from whichever side it flies.
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month,
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Comedy: May 17, 2017 Issue [#8287]
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