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This week: Oh, those "Holidaze" Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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I continue where I left off in my last Comedy Newsletter, the Hunt for the new faux fir, Christmas tree, 2017. I know you have all been waiting with bated breath to find out what I had planned for the old Martha Stewart tree, that has served the Southern Web-Dom with pride for the past several years. |
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Hello folks! welcome to this year-end edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Well, I guess I should fess- up. I know my Martha Stewart tree was supposed to be replaced with a smaller ”footprint” in the sun room and equally in the back of the closet when time to store away, but, I had another plan! 
My new plan was to attempt to keep Martha as a second tree in another room, just to make it look even more festive. That’s the part I didn’t want to tell WebLock when I suggested a hunt for a new tree. 
“But WebWitch, didn’t you tell us that you were sick and tired of dragging her out of the closet each holiday season, and was looking for another, more manageable tree, a bit down-sized for ease of handling and storing?”
Yup! All that’s true! However, this is what happened since I signed off last month. First, Thanksgiving is given its full respect before Christmas decorating begins. It is hard to imagine that while going shopping as Halloween was approaching, there were aisles in department stores setting-up for Christmas. Years ago, no Christmas items were placed out until the day after Thanksgiving. Now, Thanksgiving is surrounded by Christmas toys, lights, and giant, air-filled Santas, Frosties, and Rudolphs for lawn decorations. I still find those a little extreme, and pitiful when they are deflated. Poor Frosty really does appear to be melting to the ground. However, I digress. The day after Thanksgiving, Web-Lock and I set out to find a replacement tree. We covered three stores, making it feel like a true “hunt,” again. None of them had a tree that was the right height and fullness that I desired. Finally, we landed the broom at a Target. There is was, just around five feet tall, full, faux-pine, flocked in faux-snow -- it was a beautiful thing! I pictured it in the perfect window. I almost couldn't contain my excitement. You know that feeling of finding something you've wanted for a long time and almost gave up searching? Then suddenly, when you least expect it -- it's right there in front of you! Yeah, that feeling.
 “This is the one, Web-Lock! We just have to find the box with the letter “H” on it." (H, as in hopeful, happy, hallelujah, hunt-over!)
“Good choice WW, but I can’t seem to find the "H" box among all these other boxes of trees. I’ll ask someone working in this department where it is located.”
The salesperson came over, looked at the boxes lined-up under the perfect tree, and said: “I’m sorry, it appears we've sold all the "H" out.” Have you ever noticed that the first three letters of "sold" are SOL? Just saying. (Sorry, Outta Luck) Yup, so we got the "h" outta there.
Web-Lock and I left, tired from a day of disappointments in the failed hunt. We walked the long walk toward the far end of the parking lot because we conveniently forgot what the day after Thanksgiving is ... Black Friday!
“Darn, WL, I’m so sorry I dragged you out to the stores today of all days. That tree was the one that would handily replace Martha Stewart. Now I have to come up with a plan B.”
“Not to worry, WW. It’s still early. We’ll find something soon.”
The next day, we were back out trying a couple more stores and ended up at Michaels. They had some trees for sale, but the fuller, flocked pines were over seven feet tall, and my excuse reasoning to WL was that I wanted a shorter, prelit faux pine, with clear lights. It was meant to be an easier to handle, lower maintenance tree, requiring less muscle power to put up. Actually, I was bored to pieces with the state of the old “MS” tree. But, there's one thing Michaels always has during the holidays -- fantastic decorations! So, I spent the next hour or so, meandering through the aisles, imagining the new look for an old tree. 
As it stands, my old Martha Stewart has been saved. It's neutralized of its worn-down colored lights, and new LED clear lights have been added. Traditional warm colors of burnished copper and silver, with frosted white faux-poinsettias woven into the branches amid streaming garland of straw-colored ribbon. (Sounds nice, eh?) 
Ol’ Martha had a brand new makeover! She is now in style, and no longer looks like a tired, passe, about to be tossed-out faux fir. And, you know something folks? “It’s a good thing.”
I hope your holidays were splendid. Have a bright, healthy and prosperous New Year.
And please, be careful out there!     
Until then -- laugh hard, laugh often!
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Scottish- The first person entering a home on New Year's Day sets the years luck
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Sally
I loved this newsletter, Webbie! Thank you 
Thank you, Sally! I appreciate your reading and commenting on my newsletter. Have a very Happy New Year! 
Quick-Quill 
I'm laughing at the ending. In 1998 Hubby bought a beautiful Waterford pre-lit Christmas tree. We have had this beauty every year since adorned with the family collections. In the last 5 years we couldn't find replacement bulbs so I ended up stringing 10-12 100 bulb strands in and out of the tree. (He likes lots of lights) This year I come home to find he's brought out the flocked slim line tree. Its now ensconced in the family room with silver, white and blue ornaments. We cleaned out the front "storage" room and made it the new office. He brought in the second slim lined pre-lit tree. Alas these bulbs no longer work and they are literally tied to the branches. He took all the lights off and I had to lay 10 strands of 100 bulb lights in that one. We decided to look for a good After Christmas tree special. He's so picky about the full branch, realistic look. I shudder to think we may not find one and I'll have to lay out the lights again next year. Right now its waiting for decorations. It will hold only half the ones the other tree held...What to leave out? That will be another story. Merry Christmas!
Thank you for the visuals accompanying your feedback. I could so picture laying out the long strands of lights and beginning the tedious process of winding them around all the branches. I remember when I was a kid, lights sort of just got strewn onto the tree with no particular rhyme of reason. So long as there was light coming from the tree, it was acceptable. And those bulbs burned hot and had cloth-covered wires! Then, shows like ones on the Hallmark Channel and peeps like Martha Stewart, showed us the proper way to string lights. Yeah, they have a whole crew behind the scenes doing the hard work. 
I hope your Christmas was wonderful, and your 2018, healthy and joyful!
Edger Steven Hitchcock
This is very funny, I'm looking forward to more.
Thank you for your feedback, E.S.H. I'm so happy you enjoyed it! Have a simply marvelous New Year! 
River 
"It is a struggle pulling her out of her tightly wrapped box." Even more of a struggle getting her back in! Merry Christmas, Web-Witch.
You are so right, River! The whole packing-up the 7.5 foot tree has a nightmare story attached to it as well. However, I cannot decide whether to discuss it in the Comedy Newsletter or the Horror, one. We'll just have to wait and see. Have a wonderfully creative and joyous 2018! 
Monty 
Bet Martha Stewart is going to end up as a lawn ornament. We always had Blue Spruce but age has dictated a pre-lit Special here also.
Not yet, Monty. She worked through this Christmas season in a prominent place, but wearing a more fashionable wardrobe. I may have to keep her for another year -- or not. I can always transfer those new ornaments to another after Christmas-sale faux pine for the next Christmas season.
May your New Year bring you much love, joy, health and creativity, dear man. 
papadoc1
Ohhhhh boy. OHHHHH boy! I must say, your NL was quite a mouthful, Webbie!  In retrospect, I must take issue with my "hating" anything out-of-doors - NOT true! - but tromping through ANCIENT Xmas Tree Farms with stock trees in excess of 25 feet in height was borderline ridiculous! You must also recall that I had a job, in the summers, trimming Xmas trees on farms near my home growing up. You see, I was spoiled as it was, expecting the "farm" to be nice rows of manicured spruce or firs or.....you get the picture. SO, when we tromped through nettles and burdock and black cap pricker bushes par excellence, trust me, I was none too pleased with what I had been seeing. And getting "whiplashed" in the face by limbs swinging backward is sometimes a foregone deal, but if I recall correctly, you took one across the nose and eye courtesy of someone who was not paying attention to how close you were trailing behind us.... but that all goes into the bucket list of "Having Done This" item, and onto the GREAT project! YES, I was amazed at how you chopped down those suckers to size, and pinioned the top of the tree into the ceiling above!! LOL! So for sure, the Light Exposition that came to follow ALSO had - with 100% certainty - the Light DE-Exposition that required HOURS of labor, unwinding lights that appeared to have been placed there by the Energizer Bunny herself!! OMG - what an experience....
So, in all fairness, it was fun and memorable, and yet.....I have a feeling that Martha herself goes out there, each season, into the burdocks and nettles and pricker bushes and enjoys her time with the rabbits and hawks galore....oh, the excitement of it all!!
Memorable, indeed, PapaDoc! And Martha can have at it ... she gets paid to do that stuff!
Happy New Year, sweet man! 
Thank you for all your comments and feedback during 2017. I appreciate all of you!
Happy 2018!
See you next year! 
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Comedy: December 27, 2017 Issue [#8668]
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