  Comedy
This week: Who am I? Edited by: Sssssh! I'm not really here.  
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It's the ultimate nightmare! Imagine going around in circles trying to fill one identifying form or another in order to renew expired documents, but the missing key cannot be found?  Hold on to your witch hats, this is gonna be a ride!  |
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I have been stuck in a maze of online forms and gathering identification because all of my current ones are about to expire or somehow lost “securely” in another residence.
Let’s start with my passport, I came North thinking it was in the safe down South. I figured, I wasn’t traveling out of the country anytime in the near future, so I would wait until I went back South and get it renewed while returning the expired one, that proves I am who I am because they did all that proofing in order to give me my last passport.
When I returned South, I looked in the safe, and it wasn’t there. I figured, I must have kept it in a safe place up North, after all.  However, it was expired and a new one had to be ordered, so, I went online and reported it missing or stolen, which it was -- missing that is, even if in a safe place and locked away, it wasn’t in my hands to return with an application. I finished the form, and was told the old passport is rendered void, thus if it is floating around out there somewhere, it is red-flagged and can not be used. At least that part was off my mind!
I decided to wait until I returned North to reapply for another passport, since I needed the rest of my primary residence proof. It seems that during one of my hurried renewals for a drivers license, done online, a computer made a mistake in my address. Yes, that’s right, those computers don’t know everything! My license was mailed to me and I placed it in my wallet and got on the road heading South. It was checking into a hotel, around the Carolinas, that somebody commented that she’d never ever seen a drivers license like mine, before. 
I said, “It’s just a regular old Massachusetts license. What could be odd about that?”
“Yes, it does show Massachusetts as the state, but it has a Florida address on it.”
Now I was curious, and asked to see my license. It was true! Somehow, during the temporary change of address forms flying North and South each year, the computer picked up the Florida one. I have to admit, I enjoyed having that little oddity. However, now that I am gathering true identifying documents to get another passport, I knew I’d have to get a new license, which was going to expire next year, and make sure the correct address is placed on the correct state.
Moving along. The other night, I went to the online department of motor vehicles of the great state of Massachusetts, and began the application process. Well, thinking my photo ID, my real estate tax number, and my conceal carry permit would be sufficient proof of who I am and where I live, I find that I need three different proofs of who I am and where I reside, plus my proof of citizenship, and they all have to be different. You’d think a license to carry a firearm would be fine for all proof of identity, since it had to go through state and federal checks at the time I got it. The trouble with government red tape is, they don’t even believe their own proof of who you are even though they agreed you are who you purport to be.
To make a long story slightly shorter, a birth certificate seemed to be the golden rule of thumb. Yes! I’ll use my birth certificate. I check the block on the form’s line. A new questionnaire opened requesting the serial number on it. Dang! I couldn’t just say I have one, you’re the bureaucrats, you already have all this crap about me in your system, look it up! Nope, I needed the physical copy which is -- which is ... where ever I safely hid my passport, I guess, because I couldn’t remember, although I found my last born kid’s birth certificate and passport easily. Maybe if I can prove my son is who he is, he could vouch for me being who I am -- his mother.
Back online I find a sight that will do all the work for me and get me a copy of my birth certificate and send it for a fee, plus mailing costs, plus the cost of the county clerk where my original certificate of birth sits. Plus I only had to answer a few relevant questions, which are close to questions banks ask as a secret question as well as other such agencies government related. Yeah, big secret question that is. They’re all in on it!
I will have received said birth certificate before this newsletter arrives in your inbox. Not to mention, I’ll have the proof I need to get a renewed drivers license, followed by a passport and then my renewal of the concealed carry permit. Ain’t life grand?
However, I leave you with this thought to ponder ... Why, on God’s green earth, is a birth certificate the gold standard of my very existence, in order to renew a drivers license, get a passport and conceal carry permit, and yet, the actual ordering of my birth certificate, was easier than renewing all those other proofs of who I am?  Just sayin’!
Perhaps if I went through Russian channels, I would have received all of my updated forms of ID in one easy mailing box via:
Amazon.com.Da/Comrade!
That’s all she shrieked for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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I will always remember you, CountryMom! 
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Comments for my last month's Comedy Newsletter: "Comedy Newsletter (July 11, 2018)"
Being Diane 
Sleep not found...Web Witch, we are one and the same but not now since I went ahead of the game and got Zanaflex from the doctor. Well, I say we are not the same, a wee bit different, I take the pill, you sip the wine. If I could find a good sweet wine I would drink it instead. My brain doesn't shut down ever! My nickname given by my DH is Diesel and it isn't because I am the size of a truck it's because he looks at me sometimes and says, "I wonder what those 18-wheels rolling in your head will do or say next. What we should do when we wake up is write very early morning pages. Just let the mind flow and let the words go hand written in a notebook. By the end of the year we would have about 160 pages of free flowing writing. Enough to write several items and that free flowing writing is everywhere these days!
Thanks for putting out a great newsletter and what a great look inside your great mind.
Diane Howard
I know that feeling, Diane! Great minds think alike, and often -- all the time, in fact. It's hard to shut down the workshops living rent free in my brain.  Have you tried the port varieties of red wine? I'm not one for sweet wine, but I believe years ago, I found port wine to be sweeter, and a few people swear by I little glass of it at bedtime to help them sleep. But then, they are mostly normal people who can shut down the busy brain when retiring for the evening.
Cheers, Diane!  And, thank you for your feedback. 
Prosperous Snow celebrating 
I read a book, until my eyelids are heavy and can't stay open. I turn out the light, thinking I'll get to sleep. As soon as I turn the light out, I'm wide awake. I check the time on my smartphone, open an app to read something, and can't keep my eyes open to read. I go to sleep, wake up--thinking I've slept for three or four hours--and find I've only been asleep for an hour.
I hear ya, kiddo. When a bout of insomnia hits, it's like trying to tiptoe out of a cranky baby's room, who has just fallen asleep, after hours of mama walking the floors; and the minute the door is shut -- Wahhhhhhhhhhh! Yup, just when you think it's safe to put your head on the pillow ... You know the rest of the story!  Thank you for your feedback, Neva! 
Monty 
You know Sweetie, I seldom dream of the past unless it is of, well never mind. I dream of something I have to fix. and I am too darned old to make the repair.
I dream of those things too, sweet man!  That's of course when I do manage to sleep. 
Thanks for the feedback, folks! YOU are appreciated!!!
Wow, can you believe it? September is my WDC Comedy Newsletter 10th Anniversary, as well as the, (in case you haven't noticed all the preparations going on around the WDC community,) Anniversary of WDC! Happy 18th Birthday, The StoryMaster  & The StoryMistress  ! You guys rock the globe with this site. Thank you for all you do for all of us!
Enjoy all the festivities folks!
And please be careful out there! |
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Comedy: August 08, 2018 Issue [#9036]
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