Xmas Lights Phobia

Dear Santa,

Today I was hoping you could help me out a bit. I’ve been a fairly good person this year. I haven’t cheated on my ex-wife, nor have I killed anyone—yes even the Ex (hey, that counts for something). You know that things have been very trying for me as of lately, so the latter of the two above would almost count as at least two good deeds of the day. You see, there was this time where I was horrified of Christmas lights. Yes, strange. However wouldn’t you say that working with elves for a living is a tad out of the ordinary? So don’t point those fingers just yet my white bearded friend—Anyway, back to what I wanted to write to you about. My ex-wife, God bless her soul and her body (wherever it may be at this point), was teasing me about my Christmas Light ‘fear’ and well, I really don’t know what to say.

I mean think about it for a second or two, Mr. Santa. If you were zapped by chewing on Christmas lights twice in the same evening all because of one of your little elves decided to turn the circuit breaker back on… wouldn’t you be a tad pissed? Those little strings of lights have haunted many dreams and it took a drunken rage to get over it all. Before all was said and done, an oven mitt, a spoon and all kinds of things that could cause lots of damage (okay… maybe lots of damage to food items) were used…but I got over it in the end. Sort of. I’m still a little antsy about them. Sort of. A little. Did I fail to mention that a bottle of adult beverages was sacrificed in the process?! Anyway, again I will try to get back to the matter at hand. The main point of that is, I was fairly good this year. I didn’t throw garbage at the bottom of a hill, nor get sent off to court with glossy photographs that had paragraphs on the back of each one… nor did I become a father-raper. So I was hoping you can give me one gift this Christmas. You see, when my ex-wife presented me with a shirt that said ‘Lighting Engineer’ and showed a picture of a wad of tangled Christmas Lights, I kind of broke my small refrigerator when I smashed it over her head. You know the type; it sits by the recliner and keeps a 6-pack cooled for the football games. Thank you,

Eric DeLee
Inmate # 1459665-001
Block A, Cell 2
Folsom Prison

Postscript: If you can, please deliver early so that I can have a cold beer for the Husker game. That was my last ‘dinner’ that I requested. Thank you.