Fiction 1: Bunny

         "So I'm thinkin' I need more Scotch an' less water when the Empire State Building sits next to me.

         "'Jee-zus' I yell. Did I say 'sit?' I shoulda said 'detonate!' The quake bounced me off my stool, and I jammed my ankle between the bar and the footrest as I cracked my head on the way to the floor.

         "And then comes this amazing, t' melt-yer-gonads-t'-more-juice-than-they-ever-had-before contralto voice from the behemoth looking down at me from the stool.

         "'That's me,' it sez.

         "I'm thinking that voice has to come from a babe on the other side o' this hulk when it stands up, and I see it's a she. 'Holy shee-it,' I sez.

         "'Ah'm shore sorry, honey,' she sez. 'Jes' you come to the arms o' Jesus.'

         "'Holy crap,' I'm thinkin', but I can't say nothin' on account o' she picks me up an' I sink deep into these medicine-ball-sized bazooms. She sets me on my stool, and plumps one haunch on the next one, overflowing it in all directions.

         "'Ah'm Jesus,' she sez. 'The doc asked mah daddy mah name fer th' record jes' at the same time Daddy caught his first gander at me, and jes' lahk yew he said, "Jee-zus." Ah guess Ah wuz a sight t' bee-hold cuz Momma said Ah done weighed twenny pounds and hadda be cut raht outta her belly.'

         "I fergot I hurt all over and tried to decide whether I was in love with her gorgeous voice, or scared to death of her sheer size. Most likely, I figgered, I was dead and mixed up about it bein' Jesus or the devil what went t' heaven. Doc, I tell ya it wasn't 'til what she said next that I decided which.

         "She said, 'Jesus Easter is mah name. But yew kin call me "Bunny" lahk all mah fren's do. Fact is, Honey,' she sez, winkin' an' takin' my hand, 'Ah feel Ah owes yew some special treatment.'

         "Now she starts t' gigglin' like a schoolgirl.

         "'C'mon over t'mah place an' lets us cullah some aigs t'gethah, an' Ah'll jes' raise yew up foah shuah!'

         "Doc, no kiddin', fer a sec, I thought about it. I imagined if I could jes' close my eyes and listen t' her voice and not look at her body, it could be pretty close t' heaven. But when she started tuggin' me, I took another look at them Hindenburgs bouncin' square at my eye level, an' I thought, My Lord, if I ain't crazy, an' if I ain't already dead, I'm gonna be drownded dead pretty soon in them things. So I jes' chose the lesser of the evils and here I am. But Doc, do me a favor? If I really ain't crazy, keep me here anyway fer a few days? I swear I heard Bunny hoppin' along the trail after me all the way here!"