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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/handler/item_id/1108063-Zoos-Voice-Mail
Rated: 18+ · In & Out · Entertainment · #1108063
I'm not in right now. Please leave a message.
"Hi! You've reached the offices of Zoo Services, Inc..

I'm a not a plumber, electrician, carpenter, paperhanger, maid, painter, landscape artist, computer technician, financial consultant, party-planner, handyman, hired assasin, or tow truck operator. But if I were, I would most certainly have an incompetent receptionist who would undoubtedly be on break, or at lunch when you called.

That seems to be the case right now, in fact, or you wouldn't even be listening to this message.

If you are in need of immediate assistance such as, your kitchen is flooded, your roof is caving in, your wiring is shorted out, you need someone bumped off, or your car is stuck in the mud, you'll have to leave me a message and I'll get back to you when I damn well please. Business is good, so I'm not really all that motivated about solving your problems... besides, I already told you at the beginning of this message that I'm not any of those things that you are calling about.

Now, if there is some other service that you're in need of that you don't see listed, please, by all means, leave me a message so I can be sure to add it to the list of things that I won't do.

By the way, this machine only holds 25 messages, so your guess is as good as mine as to whether or not I'll even respond to you!

Good luck, and have a great day!"



~~~ gift points awarded weekly for entertaining
and clever messages left on this machine. ~~~
or maybe not, who the hell even knows?~~~

"Hey! I never got a beep!"
-- Wenston

"Zoo, Your life is in danger. It is imperative that you go underground immediately. If this message has been sent too late - please disregard."
-- ussycat

"You guys are cracking me up. Push one to hear me belly-laugh. Push two to hear me belly-laugh in a foreign language. Push three if you would like a pizza delivery. Try to fit your fist in your mouth if you're bored. "

"Zoo, I pushed two to hear you laugh in a foreign language, and that was funny, but what I REALLY wanted to hear was you laugh like the Pilsbury Doughboy...what do I gotta push for that? Hello? Zoo??"

"Hello, I didn't realize you guys used an answering machine. Oh well, I'd like a quart of wonton soup, a pint of fried rice and 4 egg rolls. And please this time don't forget the fortune cookies."
-- ussycat

"~ is your refrigerator running?"

"Please do your best to be outstanding in your field. It's the only way I will find you as I haul ass past your house."

"Yarrrr. Is that me old hearty ZooDuck? This is Cap'n Bly, I hear you been dissin on my matey Johnny. That's a keelhauling offence, landlubber. Don't make me come over there. "

"Dear Jeb and Cap'n Bly, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your unmentionables."

"Hey, can we press four to hear you quack-laugh. *presses 4* Nothing happened! 4, 4, 4, 4, 4... 4.4.4.4. "

"Oh, by the way, this is lottery. You won yourself $2 at one of those scratch lottery tickets!"

"From now on, all invisible, inaudible, or otherwise undetectable messages will be erased immediately... as soon as we find them."

"Zoo! Quick take a message for me! I'm very busy and forgetful lately and quite prone to talking to myself... and I forgot what I wanted to tell me... Damn. "

"Psst Zoo, where you be? Putting out fires? Playing the almighty tourney hand? Marv lock you in the basement? Do they have basements in TX? EEEP! Miss ya."

"Zoo? My cell died so I zipped in the house to call. I've been outstanding in my field for months and I haven't seen you yet! Toss food out when you pass by! Ok gotta go so I don't miss you when you-- Aw, man! I just saw you go by. $%##!"

"We were just driving by with this big fancy Publishers Clearing House check made out to a Mr. Zoo Duck? Where should we leave it? *Bigsmile*"

"*booming, thumping bar music ~ a shout over the phone* DUDE!!! Where are YOU???? There's some hot chicks here! WHERE ARE YOU????? *muffled covered whisper* Dude, I think her name is Candy. Dude!"

"Hello, we've been receiving complaints that a Mr. Z. Duck has been driving erratically across the state of Texas...."

"Just stopped in to check my messages, and.... hey, I remember this place. Fun atmosphere, lots of weird folks, and look! Gas is only 3.00 a gallon here! Woo HOO!!!"

"Mr. Zoo, this is Marcy from writing.com. You have just been awarded 300,000 GPS. Since you weren't here to take my call; I'm keeping them for myself. Thanks!!"

"Beep. Beep beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep. (oh, sorry. I was talking to your answering machine. *Bigsmile*)"

"Fabulous! Thank you, Spink! I'll be sure to not put that on my calendar. Good day."

"no more messages from jay. sounds like a freakin robot."

"What shade of grey did you have in mind? "

"PLEASE CALL ASAP!!!"
-- ruwth

Total Displayed: 25

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