If only

She woke up. Looked at the clock. 3 am. "Not bad", she thought. Yesterday it was 2 am, the day before she didn't sleep at all. She hardly could sleep since he had gone. How was it possible if he was not there. She was sitting on her bed, looking around, waiting, being ready to see him enter the room. Knowing he never would.

She remembered their last talk. It was ages ago but seemed like it had happened only yesterday. She remembered each word, each look, every tear, every gesture. She could see him standing close to her, could feel his breath, she knew what he would say next moment.

If only she could go back in time. If only she could change things. If only she had listened to him, had believed him, had made him do something. She had not.
"I can't do it anymore... I can't," he said.
"Why? What happened?" she asked looking out of the window.
"I don't know, I just can't, everything is wrong, I am wrong, life is wrong."
"Don't see life so negative, darling, it might be bad at times but mostly it is beautiful. You just have a dark phase, it will all go in a while."
"Not sure I can do it this time, I feel dead, in fact it has been for long. I guess that's enough."
"Don't say silly things, you will be fine, I believe. All people do. We will talk later, I got to go."

And she left. And they never talked later. Because later has never come. He left her.
And she was now alone. Sitting in this empty room, listening to the silence. Sometimes silence can tell you more than words. As it is the only witness of your pain, your tears, your sorrow.
Today's silence was so heavy as if something bad should happen. But what could be bad enough if the worst had happened already? If he had gone?

She didn't cry today, enough tears in these last six months. She had been strong but what was the need in this strength if she stayed alone. The only thing that kept her alive was the memories.

The first kiss... gentle and soft...
The first date.... romantic and crazy....
The first night walk under the moon....

The moment when he said "I think I am in love with you." The way she asked, "You think or you are?" And finally the words she treasured till now "I know I am in love with you"...
But what was the need in these memories when he had gone? If only she had cared more, if only she had asked, if only she had insisted on help. But she had not.

Why did he do this to her? Why did he have to leave her? He was weak; he had chosen the easiest way. If only she had been there... She stood up, came close to the window, looked down. "High...too high", she thought. But if he could do this, she would be able too. If he dared to be weak to end his life this way, she wanted to be weak too. After all these long months full of loneliness, days full of pain, hours full of tears, minutes full of despair she deserved the right to feel weak. She deserved a relief. Today she would do it. She was sitting on the sill, looking down. "High...too high", again she thought. And then... she jumped. Just like he did.... six months ago.
.................................
The moment she jumped she woke up. Looked at the clock. 5 am. She knew tomorrow at 3 am she would be dying again. But for now the real death continued. The death of being without him...If only she could be weak...