Divine Madness

Divine Madness


Jesse flipped open his laptop and went directly to a poker gaming site, grabbed a can of Mountain Dew, poured in a shot of Red Bull – his untested cure for hangovers, before concentrating on his favorite pastime. The tinted eye-glasses did double duty of keeping out glare and hiding bloodshot peepers.

His gambling addiction and long losing streak ate away his earnings. He then secured payday loans which made him a perfect target for being whacked, leaving his corpse to rot in the trunk of his late-on-payments Cadillac if he wasn’t punctual with settlement. The car was the only thing his ex-wife, Lila, didn’t take when she left Jesse for a clerk at Food4Less. Now he lived and worked as an event planner for the rinky-dink Lunar ‘no-star’ Hotel on the fringes of the Las Vegas strip.

His assistant, Tammy, only came in three times a week and today wasn’t one of them, so when the telephone rang he looked at the caller ID. “Hm…Divine & Associates.” Rubbing his stubby beard, he answered on the third ring. “This is Lunar Events, J.A. Moke speaking.”

“Your name is Jamoke?” A soft voice responded. “Jamoke, I need your services for a birthday party.”

“The name is Jesse and just so you know, I don’t do kids and pony parties. Kids are a pain…always crying and whining. Who needs that crap? Thought you should know up front.” Tammy would be proud of him for not using swear words.

He was informed there would be no ponies and the birthday party, for virtuous acts, would be in the Mojave Desert. The theme: angels and demons.

“Uh huh – what date do you want? This won’t be cheap.” Jesse patted his beer belly bulging under his Hawaiian shirt.

The Divine voice said, “Tomorrow.”

“Impossible.”

“Make it possible.”

“Why’d you wait so long to arrange this?”

“I forgot.”

“Forgot? You forgot?”

“Name your price.”

“$100,000”.

“Done.”


After he scribbled down all the necessary info he called Tammy. “We hooked a whale.”

Tammy hurried in packing hot pink sweat pants with Juicy Couture scrawled across her retired showgirl bootie. “So…what’s the menu?”

“Hot tamales, jalapeño peppers, and macaroni and cheese. Bloody Marys and Jaeger shots.

Tammy was silent for a New York minute before snorting laughter. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope.” He waved the list in front of her face. “There’s more. Quiche, sweet peas, Twinkies, decaffeinated tea, and corn candy. And the money is already in the account.”

“And we need this in one day? Who’s the whale?”

“Said the name was Divine.”


So at the stroke of midnight, hundreds of tamales in silver chaffing dishes kept company with Quiche, all lined up on white linen covered tables decorated with birthday greetings. It was feng shui with torches and candles blazing welcome. The desert evening was still wicked hot. Creosote perfumed the air like charred tar under a black sky full of stars. Jesse and Tammy, sweating in tuxedos and flip-flops, waited with their hands clasped behind their backs.

On the dot the tourist buses barreled into the desert and made a circle around the outdoor auditorium. Jesse and Tammy braced themselves against the swirling dust. The last three buses were disturbing. Two were smoking remnants of ancient yellow school buses with painted graffiti spelling out Demons Rule. The other bus could have been plucked out of Mad Max and shook with the sound of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. Yelps and howls exploded from these. Claws and paws thudded the desert landscape followed by a sulfur stench. The demons ran boisterous, high-fiving each other, slapping backs, fist bumping, and belly slams.

The nice tourist buses released angels who shook hands, gave hugs and kisses and most noticeable their scent was sweet as jasmine, soft as vanilla, and subtle as fresh snow.

Demons hit the buffet tables with hunger and disregarded manners. The angels placed food on white china plates. The demons held food in their big paw-hands and threw back drinks like stranded men dying of thirst. Angels and demons mixed like long lost friends. Some knew each other; some were meeting for the first time. Friendly and often loud bantering with hardy laughter crackled the dry hot air drowning out the chamber music provided.

Jesse and Tammy pretended indifference.

“Is this really a birthday party or the twilight zone?” Tammy’s eyes were wide with wonder.

“It’s Vegas…remember.”

“It looks like we’re being singled out,” Tammy said, indicating the odd couple coming their way.

The angel extended her hand to Jesse and Tammy. “I’m Ramona and this is Nox. The demon nodded with laser red eyes and some cabbage stink puffing out every breath. It seemed obvious his full name could have been Obnoxious.

Jesse shook Ramona’s small hand. Her face shimmered glittery and her snow white gown was delicate gossamer. “Thank you for putting this together for us on such short notice.” Ramona’s strong voice resonated authority. “…and keeping it secret from the paparazzi.”

“Glad to be able to help, but we’re confused. Mr. Divine didn’t quite explain everything.”

“God…he’s so busy. Nox and I are representatives for good and evil.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry – just have a seat. It’ll be self-explanatory. Also, we want to thank you for coordinating this party. And in case it wasn’t mentioned, you don’t have a guardian, but you will before the party concludes.” Ramona said to Jesse.

“What?”

“Don’t take it personally. You were born in a leap year so we kind of forgot to appoint you a spirit guide, paperwork got lost in 1968…you’ll be in the raffle.

“But…”

“It’s okay. I’ll check with you after the ceremony and birthday wishes.” She turned and walked away. Nox winked and followed Ramona.

“What did she mean…guardian?”

Tammy shrugged. “Got me, but this just got interesting. You do realize you have the worst karma, don’t ya?”

Jesse rolled his eyes in disbelief, but it explained plenty.

“Well, you said yourself, your life sucks. You’re broke, hiding from goons, and your ex stomped on your heart. So cheer up and enjoy the party.”


Angels and demons sat side-by-side on plastic folding chairs chatting up like old friends. Most of the angels were senior citizens, followed by middle-aged and some younger people. Jesse cringed when he saw a baby or two. Females out-ranked males. The demons were harder to judge, but they were typically male and lethal looking. Eight nasty females crawled with unpleasantness, except one. Oh, and one man in khakis who could have been anyone’s accountant.

Ramona took the podium and announced she appreciated the attendance and would commence with the birthday celebration. Everyone sang happy birthday to the newcomers. The angels were stellar repeats, meaning they volunteered continuously to support good in the world. The newbies, fresh deceased and reborn, were trained by the repeats.

The demons were souls sent to hell. This was their Get out of Jail free card to create and tease earthbound humans into evil. Nox congratulated his group. The demons whooped and screamed their approval.

Assigning angels and demons to humans on earth, a serious challenge regardless of official experience was meted out. Some humans were appointed an angel and demon. God has an alarming sense of humor. Angels, although in scant supply, usually worked whole cities, and in some cases an entire state. Same for demons.

Ramona returned to the podium and made a special announcement. “Everyone…our host, Mr. Jesse A. Moke is entitled to a guardian. He is guideless, so I would like to have volunteers join the raffle.”

Demons roared with laughter when Puti, the cherub angel, waddled over and entered his name in the raffle screaming, “I’ll do it…I’ll do it.” Puti was not a newbie, but never received a client to guide. He scrambled over to Jessie, teddy bear under his chubby arm, and tugged at his pant leg. “I’ll take care of you, Mr. Jesse.”

“Go away kid, you bother me.” He bit his tongue to hold back swearing.

“No, really. It’s no bother.” Puti smiled up at Jesse, his angelic face so eager.

Jesse tried to shake Puti off his leg, but the little cherub clung tight. “Hit the road, creepy baby.” He looked to Tammy for help. Children gave Jesse the heebie-jeebies, plus this one was naked and sported tiny wings. “Go see Tammy. She has cake.” Puti toddled off.

Jesse didn’t know what to say as each volunteered spirit guide-hell raiser held out their hand to him and revealed their name and experience. The angels appeared to be capable of appealing to his good side. But – it was the last two that genuinely held his interest.

“So, Scratch is it? What is your redeeming quality?”

The demon, Scratch, snorted and belched smoke. “I am the best at what I do. If you need me to help you bash some heads around, I’m there for you, man. If you want me to make sure your ex-ole lady falls into a deep dark hole with tarantulas, I’m on it. Need help with schemes to bilk money out of those casinos you like to lose to so much, I’m ready.” Scratch flexed his pumped arm muscles tattooed with serpents. “We’ll have us a really good time, you and me.”

Jesse found this inviting on so many levels. Fun without any setbacks. He’d be able to get more respect and profit from it. Scratch was first runner up until he spoke with Jade Ivy, another demon, hot in all the right places. She caressed his arm as she spoke to him. “Sweetie, I’ll make sure you are never lonely. I’ll keep the fires burning,” she clawed his arm with razor sharp fingernails and thrust out her tongue, “every night, a new badass lady.” Hot damn! She was talking his language. He was mesmerized until he heard Tammy yelling at him.

“Jesse!” She pulled him aside. “Are you crazy?”

“What now?”

“The last thing you need is more crap in you life.” She tossed an apology back at the demons. “Nothing personal you two.”

Jesse gave Scratch and Jade Ivy a weak smile. Jade Ivy threw him kisses and Scratch gave him thumbs up. Puti waddled along side Jesse.


The evening wore on as assignments were doled out. Tonight Lester, an angel, would be a golden retriever guide dog for a little boy in Indiana. Nox selected Blade to wreak more corruption in Chicago. An angel was also assigned by Ramona. Peggy would inspire the good and strive to steer humans away from the dark temptation of crime. Peggy accepted her new position proudly. Blade flashed his forked tongue out at her and said, “See ya in the dark alleys, Peg,” he announced with playful sarcasm.

When all delegations were completed, Jesse and Tammy applauded. The rest of the guests rose and punched the air, excited to be needed. Their duties began without delay. New souls were born every minute. All were committed to their post for however long it took. They would be enemies within their projects – no hurt feelings, but business was business.

Ramona and Nox thanked Jesse and Tammy. They were on their way to Europe for another birthday. In the meantime, guides helped pack up the catering truck. Ramona reminded them, “What happens in Vegas stays…” then they jettisoned into the air. Wings flapped at the speed of sound.

“Wait! Who won the raffle?” Jesse’s question went unanswered.

He looked around searching the darkness. “No, no, no,” yelled Jesse. “He goes back tomorrow.”

Tammy burst out laughing when she spied the sleepy little cherub with tiny wings dragging a teddy bear behind him. “There’s a no return policy.”

“Don’t worry, boss…I got your back.”

Jesse and Tammy turned at the voice. Scratch scooped Puti up to ride on his tattooed shoulders.

Holy Shee-it! "Put the kid in the trunk, Scratch."

"Wouldn't he look better as a hood ornament?"


Word Count: 1985