Other shoe on a barefoot day

So last night Dave calls me and we were chatting about nothing in particular
and he says he's going to have a few beers.
Backstory: he's laid off now and we usually go together but I'm in the middle of being the most busy I have ever been (speech coach, teacher, mom to a teenage wrestler, and starting grad school).
So he goes to the bar with some friends. I have HUGE trust issues. Let me say that I do trust dave. But at the same time I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and I've been hugely wronged in life (sounds very victim-y but it's true) and I feel like I will be wronged again momentarily.

I need to work through why this got me so upset.

Well I think part of it was that I texted him and said come stay over night with me tonight and he said 'not tonight'. That hurt even though I knew that was what he was going to say. Then my over-active evening mind goes here:
irrational me: ya know, you're the one that plans sleepover nights, you're the one that asks to come over, you're the one that initiates texts and most phone calls . . .
logical me: He is going to south dakota to spend 3 days with your family. He is probably going to Haley's birthday party. He loves you and he just told you so on the phone.
irrational me: why doesn't he find it necessary to come to my house ever? He doesn't say thank you about anything you do around his house for him. He expects it now. He's taking you for granted. You say thank you for everything
logical me: that's how he is. He invited you to his family Thanksgiving. He loves you and said on many occasions nothing will change that
irrational me: why'd he go to the bar? without me?> no invite even...
logical me: guys night?? what's so wrong with that. You need a hobby that's not worrying about what he's doing. You need to get your mind off him because he's not your whole world. you're sitting here at home with your 17 year old son- enjoy him while you can
irrational me: i'll stay awake and wait and see if he calls me (no call - so I wake up at 12:30 and ask if he's awake - text - no answer ) he must be with another woman.

logical me; your an idiot.
irrational me: i'll drive by his house in the morning

so both of me are getting ready for work that morning and saying "I'm not calling him, he can call me"..."but I want to tell him ...", "but I need to say .. . ."
"NO!"
I'm not sure which me won that battle but i don't call him, i get ready for work. When I'm ready I do drive by the house (irrational me wins) and there is no extra car but all the lights are on
logical me: he sleeps with the lights on dummie all the time
irrational me: or they're both trying to find their clothes

Both me's are at work now and my cell phone is next to my computer...no messages....do work for 5 minutes...no messages...work for 5 more minutes, maybe 6...no messages...then it rings - well i can't answer it because there is no service in this building for my phone that will support a phone call (maybe a text or two). I text him "at work", he texts "already", I text "ya I had to get ready for my evaulation and I have a meeting at 730", he texts "can you watch Bear tonight, i guess we are working all night"
irrational me: or he has a date
logical me: your an idiot
I call him
i cry but don't let him know
He asks me what's wrong and I say nothing. He asks me if I'm getting sick because I sniffle the crying snot out of my nose, i say no i'm fine. he talks a bit about life and sleepover night and the bar as tears run down my face...but I don't let him know.
I do tell him I waited up for him to call.
He says I texted you. I said what. He is referring to me telling him I wont bug him and him saying your not bugging me. that's all that was said for the whole night. I waited for him to get back to me as late as my eyes would let me.
I continue to cry and not let him know the whole time wondering why I'm crying and why I'm so upset and here I am.

wondering why I'm so upset. I need to know.
well
A. I get my period next week (is this all PMS?)
B. I don't like guys night: why? he's out with his guys talking about tractors, work and dumb shit. even when i'm there I tune all that out ...but i miss his laugh right now. and his voice and his caring...

I need to get it together. this is just stupid
the FACTS are
he loves you
he wants to be with you
he has friends he wants to be with too
you are too obsessed and need a hobby
he loves you
nothing will change that
he is going to SD with you
he is going to Haley's party with you
he invited you to Thanksgiving
he wants to be with you

i think since i'm the one saying i love being with you, i love when your arms are around me etc etc
and he doesn't initiate that stuff i feel like maybe he just agrees with me.
he never gets sick of you
he tells you that
he cares about you

I just feel like maybe things are changing. Maybe we're close and now we're not as close? ugh. i don't know why this has me going a million miles in a zillion directions but my brain needs to go on S-L-O-W down without falling asleeeeeeep. :/ I love him. He loves me. if there is somethign he's doing that you want him to change, then you need to talk about it. but i don't even think there is.
maybe be appreciative of the nice things i do
maybe be sensitive to how i feel
i don't think that's even it and i thought writing this all out would help me get to an answer.
so the question to me is WHY are you upset. if he knew you were crying what would be the answer to WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
1. I wanted him to come over - I wanted him to not say "not tonight" I wanted him to text me again and not end the night on "your not bugging me". I didn't want him to text me this morning to ask me for a favor but to say I love you and missed you last night. (He did end the conversation with I love you) I guess that's why.

But i got upset the minute he said he was going to Tower but not "cry" upset...upset til I talked to me and said he won't cheat on you, he loves you. Knowing he's having fun without me hurts tho. Because I love having fun with him ...and irrational me said: we didn't even go out Saturday...is he taking me out this weekend or saving it all for 'guys night'?

A whole nother question about everything is How am i going to survive unemployment season? :(

TRUST is the issue that all of this comes down to....period. you will go insane if you dont trust him. you will never be happy with him even though you think you are - - -look at yourself!! ugh. crystal...ugh.