PIGEON HOLED

Slowly I turned forward and flattened myself against the wall. In spite of being filled by my terror or heights, I set my jaw determinedly. Inch by inch, I crept along the narrow ledge, holding on by just my fingertips.
A pigeon landed on my loafer clad foot. Frantic I tried to shoo it away.
“Get outta here, you freeloader!” I told it through clenched teeth.
It cocked its head and eyed me with one bright eye as it settled in more firmly on my foot as if it were a nest. Amazingly, it began to coo in a broody kind of way that I thought boded ill for me somehow. Feeling something fall onto the top of my shoe, I tried again to ge the bird to leave.
“Listen, you pest! Get off my bloody foot, or I’ll…” I told it through gritted teeth.
Just then the pigeon stood up and I was sure it was about to leave so I relaxed a little in anticipation. Then I spotted it.
“Holy Hubs of Hell!” I cursed loudly.
The pigeon fluffed its feathers and settled back down on my foot and the egg it had laid on it. I stood there growing more and more desperate. It didn’t faze the pigeon one little bit!
A familiar head poked out of the window I had used to get out onto the ledge. It was bald, jowly and had a heavy scruff of greying beard. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see its hooded eyes widen.
“Hey Jimmy, whatcha doin’? Bird watching?”
“Don’t be more of an arse then you already are, Rex,” I told him shortly.
“Why you got a bird on your foot, eh?”
My cubicle mate was nothing if not a persistent master of the obvious.
“How do I know, it just decided to land there and lay a friggin’ egg!”
“Just drop-kick the bird and the egg will go with it,” advised Rex.
“The way my luck’s been going lately, I’d get pinched for cruelty to animals, even up here. Not me, pal,” I retorted.
“So whatcha gonna do then?” he asked.
“Whatever it is it’s gonna have to happen fast!” I told him with a wince.
“Whatcha doin’ out there anyway?” Rex wanted to know next.
“Tryin’ to get to the men’s room.”
Rex blinked.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to get there from the inside?”
I closed my eyes and counted to ten.
“Yes, Rex it would. But I was just there a half an hour ago, and with my prostate, having a pee only once every four hours like the boss wants, ain’t gonna cut it. He watches me like a hawk as it is!”
I looked down at the bird again and got an idea that was going to help me with both of my problems I hoped.
Unzipping my fly, I let the pigeon have it with a sigh of relief. She took off and I was just able to gently roll the egg into a corner of the building. There was even a build-up of leaves and dust there for it to rest on.
Carefully, I started to head back to the window where Rex helped me back into the building. Other than a little pigeon poop on my good shoes, it turned out better than I had expected. Keeping a change of shoes and socks in my desk drawer didn’t hurt either!
Every so often after that, when I was on my way to the john, I remembered I had a pigeon to thank for finally getting a doctor’s note that stated I needed to go to the bathroom as often as necessary for my health. This also made me wonder if she ever came back to hatch that egg!
632 WORDS 3/12/16