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Musings, about me, for my children. |
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I have, often, played around with the idea of leaving something of myself behind for my children. There have been countless false starts, innumerable toss outs, and an unthinkable amount of heavy sighs at the mere thought of such and undertaking. For, to write even an inkling of myself would be a great feat, and there are no guarantees that I could even come close to relating everything I want to say. Several times I have thought, "Why bother?". At other times, I think to myself that; even if I were to leave some sort of legend for them to read; they either wouldn't get it, or they wouldn't care. Then the realization comes to me that I would not be writing it for them. I'd be writing it for myself; so that I could know that I had, at least, tried to convey to them who I am and who they are to me. It is for my own piece of mind, and sense of being, that I need to try to make them understand. It has been a long and exhausting way; as it is for most everybody. And, just like most everybody, my path has been unique. While others may have come and gone. While those others may have either walked by my side, in front of me, behind me, or (those rare few) may have even carried me, there has only ever been one constant on this journey. That constant is me. That is; as is the case with each individual life; why it becomes so difficult, and my heart and mind try to stop my fingers, when I actually sit and try to convey some of the experiences that have made me who I am. That is why I almost choke, and my fingers quiver as they hover over the keys of this machine. That is why this task will be completed one wrenched entry at a time. There are fortunate folks, in the world, who will not understand the struggle that ensues every time I sit down to write. They are those ones that have never had to deal with any kind of hardship, at any time, in their lives, and they will not be appreciative of the things I slowly tell, nor will they believe in my tale of struggling because they have no clue what the word actually means; other than a dictionary definition. Yet, I know that there are enough of you out there that will be able to identify with what I'm talking about, from time to time, that will keep me from believing I am totally alone. |
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