...Слева и Справа

SCENE 5: A STICK UP THE ASS IS WORTH TWO IN THE ENEMY

(Back at the German camp. Teuber and Pyoterskaya are sitting together once again.)

S. Teuber
...and that’s how I got myself kicked out of the library. They claimed that if they ever saw me there again, they’d drop a copy of Goethe’s Complete Works on my head.

R. Pyoterskaya
Eh, can’t be worse than Chekhov. You drop one of those on your foot and you’re stuck at a desk for life.

S. Teuber
Maybe I should try it. Any sort of desk would be better than this shithole of a defensive position.

R. Pyoterskaya (sarcastically)
Are you sure? The weather is fine here! And what lovely temperatures too! You go behind a desk, you won’t be able to feel the warmth of the day! The fine breeze! And worst of all, you won’t be able to see the lovely ladies!

(Teuber is attempting to stifle a laugh.)

R. Pyoterskaya (on a roll)
And, what’s more, what does a desk job get you, anyway? Only safety, money, and rank! And why would you ever want THOSE?

(Teuber gives up and laughs for real, and so does Pyoterskaya. Suddenly, we hear a gasp, and the crunch of feet running away across the snow.)

R. Pyoterskaya
What was that?

S. Teuber (After a moment)
Bad. You should head back.

R. Pyoterskaya
But it’s only-

S. Teuber
Listen. If that was who I think it was, we’re as good as dead.
(He thinks for a minute.) You should tell your commander that there are Germans on the way.

R. Pyoterskaya
What?! Why?

S. Teuber
Because there will be. You should move out.

R. Pyoterskaya
Knowing my Starshina, we won’t. We’ll dig in, and probably find you.

S. Teuber
It’ll be for the best. Do as I say!

R. Pyoterskaya (after some thought)
No.

S. Teuber
What?

R. Pyoterskaya
What would be the point? If there are Germans on the way, we Russians will die. If I tell him there are, you Germans will die. Why cause more death for nothing?


S. Teuber (After more thought)
Then I’ll tell him myself.

(He tries to go forward, but is stopped by Pyoterskaya’s rifle.)

R. Pyoterskaya
If you take one more step you’ll never take another.

(Teuber raises his own.)

S. Teuber
Let me pass or you’re dead.

(A very tense pause. Eventually Teuber turns around.)

S. Teuber
Filthy communist.

(Pyoterskaya also faces his side.)

R. Pyoterskaya
Fascist swine.

(Cut to black.)

SCENE 6: GEFREITER MEETS HAUPTMANN

(We rise on a blank strip of ground on stage right. Gefreiter Spitzer is riding his bicycle. Soon after rise, Gefreiter Steiner runs on, huffing and puffing. Spitzer stops his bike.)

Gfr. Spitzer
Hallo, where are you going?

Gfr. Steiner
Give me that bicycle!

Gfr. Spitzer
What? No, I have mail to deliver.

Gfr. Steiner
Give it to me now!

Gfr. Spitzer
Nein!

(Gefreiter Spitzer tries to ride away, but Gefreiter Steiner stands in front of it.)

Gfr. Steiner
It is a matter of extreme importance to the Reich! Give me the bicycle!

Gfr. Spitzer
Look here, shithead, this is my bicycle! You can’t-

(Steiner hits him in the stomach and rides the bicycle off in the opposite direction.)

(Cut back to the German camp. The soldiers are milling around.)

S. Teuber (singing to himself as he cleans his rifle)
In einem Polenstädtchen, da lebte einst ein Mädchen, das war so schön…

S. Freiss
Shut up, Teuber! You’re making my headache worse!

S. Teuber
Maybe don’t drink four litres of Stiegel before bed.

S. Friedrich (from inside his tent)
Look, it seemed like a better idea when we first had it.

S. Freiss
See? Ouch…

S. Teuber
Drink some water.

S. Freiss (sarcastically)
Thanks, Mom. (Teuber gives him a look. Freiss sighs.) Where is it?

S. Friedrich (in tent)
Ask Steiner, he had it last.

S. Freiss
You can’t ask that fucker anything! He’ll just tell me that I’m jeopardising the security of Germany for bothering him.

S. Friedrich (still in tent)
Well, if you don’t ask him you won’t get any water, so suck it up!

S. Freiss
Suck up what, the water?

S. Friedrich (in tent still)
I’ll kill you for that pun.

S. Freiss
Not if I kill you first. Hey, Steiner!

(Silence.)

S. Freiss
Huh, he must be having a bad day. Normally he’d be out and screaming by now. Steiner!!

(Still nothing.)

S. Freiss
GEFREITER ASS-BOOT!

(A final, long burst of nothing.)

S. Friedrich (finally coming out of tent)
Strange… where could he be?

S. Freiss
I have no idea… Teuber?

(Teuber is distractedly looking away.)

S. Freiss
Teuber! (He snaps his fingers.)

S. Teuber
Eh… oh, Steiner. I have no idea.

S. Freiss
Herr Feldwebel!

(A muffled “Ja” from Feldwebel Fischer.)

S. Freiss
Steiner’s deserted!

Fldw. Fischer (in his tent, clearly barely awake)
Is it Christmas already?

S. Freiss
I mean it! He’s really, truly gone!

Fldw. Fischer (more awake)
Really? If you woke me up for nothing, Freiss…

S. Friedrich
He’s serious, Herr Feldwebel! When we woke up, Steiner was gone.

Fldw. Fischer
...Give me a minute.

(Feldwebel Fischer summarily emerges, haphazardly buttoning his tunic as he leaves the tent.)

Fldw. Fischer
What’s this about Steiner?

S. Friedrich
He’s not here! I shouted his name and he hasn’t yelled at me yet.

(Feldwebel Fischer walks over to and opens Steiner’s tent. There’s nobody inside.)

Fldw. Fischer (quietly)
Shit, shit… (suddenly) Teuber! Come here!

(The Feldwebel ushers Teuber away from the other soldiers.)

Fldw. Fischer (angrily)
What did you do?

S. Teuber
I? I haven’t done anything!

Fldw. Fischer
Do not play dumb with me! I know you’ve done something to piss Steiner off, and now he’s going to go to the Hauptmann and get us all killed! So I’ll ask again: What. Did. You. Do?

S. Teuber
I swear I’ve done nothing!

(A beat.)

Fldw. Fischer
Fine. I’ll just deliver you to the Hauptmann, then, and he can torture it out of you. No skin off my back.

(He turns to leave, but Teuber finally gives in.)

S. Teuber
Wait!

Fldw. Fischer
Yes?

S. Teuber
I… I’ve been speaking with a Russian, sir.

(The Feldwebel turns back.)

Fldw. Fischer
You WHAT?

S. Teuber
I… I ran into him, sir, and we’ve been talking at nights. I… I don’t know what came over me.

(The Feldwebel digests this information. Finally:)

Fldw. Fischer
Have you told him anything?

S. Teuber
What?

Fldw. Fischer
No movements, troop locations, secrets, anything like that?

S. Teuber
No- No sir! Of course not! We just...talked, sir.

(The Feldwebel processes further, and then:)

Fldw Fischer
Dismissed, Schütze Teuber.

(Teuber, surprised and then elated, hurries away. Spot on Fischer sitting down and putting his head in his hands.)

TRANSITION TO: SCHREIBSTUBE

(We return to the German rear line. Hauptmann Eichholz is delivering a spirited tirade to his troops.)

Hptm. Eichholz
...disgrace to the Reich! You have single-handedly disrespected the sacrifice of all Soldaten who have come before you! You may as well have pissed on their graves, do you understand me! It is absolutely unacceptable for any Reich Soldat to come on duty without first buttoning their pockets! I cannot-

(He is interrupted by the loud and somewhat obtrusive entrance of Gefreiter Steiner, flushed with exertion and excitement.)

Gfr. Steiner
Herr Hauptmann, I have important news!

(There is a long and very awkward pause. The Hauptmann is steaming.)

Hpmn. Eichholz (barely keeping his rage in check)
Herr Gefreiter (he takes a step towards Gefreiter Steiner.) What (step) could possibly (step) be SO important (step) that you (step, he should be right in the Gefreiter’s face now) INTERRUPT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING?!

Gfr. Steiner
W-Well, Herr Hauptmann, I-

Hptm. Eichholz
Name, rank and unit. Now.

Gfr. Steiner
Steiner, Gefreiter, 395. Sicherungs Battalion.

Hptm. Eichholz
395. Sich- That’s forty kilometers away! How did you get here?

Gfr. Steiner
I, er, commandeered the courier's bicycle.

Hptm. Eichholz
You WHAT?!
Gfr. Steiner
I-it was the only way to get here!

(Hptm. Eichholz takes a minute to digest this news.)

Hptm. Eichholz
You are currently guilty of dereliction of duty, misuse of rank, and disrespect of a superior officer. I will give you seven seconds. If you leave now,I will forget all about this. If you persist in telling me this “news”, and it is NOT the most important thing I will hear all day, you will be stripped of your rank and thrown in jail. Am I understood?

(The Gefreiter gulps, tugs at his collar, and blurts out-)

Gfr. Steiner
One of the men in my unit is conspiring with the enemy.

(The Hauptmann glares at the Gefreiter.)

Hptm. Eichholz (steely)
Explain.

Gfr. Steiner
Well, I’m not positive, but-

Hptm. Eichholz
You’re not positive? You mean you stole Reich property, deserted your unit, and interrupted me for something you DON’T KNOW?!

Gfr. Steiner
I-I’m fairly certain, Herr Hauptmann!

(A beat.)

Hptm. Eichholz
Continue.

Gfr. Steiner (gulping)
I observed one of my men speaking to one of the enemy. I have long had my suspicions about this man, but-

Hptm. Eichholz (holding up a hand)
Enough whining! This merits inspection. Stolzmann, bring the Kubelwagen [a type of jeep] around. (Exit Stolzmann)

(The Gefreiter breathes a sigh of relief, but the Hauptmann grabs his arm.)

Hptm. Eichholz
If you are wrong about this…

(He lets the threat hang, then stalks offstage. Cut to black.)
SCENE SEVEN: CONVERGENCE

(Another morning dawns on the Russian camp. Zhukov is at the fire, warming a bowl of soup. Pyoterskaya sits across the fire from him, not really paying attention.)

R. Zhukov
...and I’m telling you, you can’t believe a thing you hear in bars. Why, once I was in a bar in Moscow, in 38 maybe, and this big-shot from the Party in an enormous coat comes in and sits next to me, starts talking to me. He says, “Look around, tovarish! Our factories grow, our fields produce more every year. Our Motherland is the strongest country of all! And remember, friend: It can only go up from here!”

R. Pyoterskaya
Oh, really?

R. Zhukov
Yes, and then he passed out. But he was wrong, you understand! It’s been five years, and now we’re sitting in a field, freezing to death with Germans all around us (Pyoterskaya stiffens, but relaxes when he realizes Zhukov is only expostulating) while the fat bastards in the Presidium sit at home, warm and safe and getting fatter. And on top of everything, my damned soup is frozen! Chyort! (Shit!)

(Zhukov has dropped his soup into the fire.)

Yefr. Lyubov (from inside tent, teasingly)
Ah-ah, Zhukov, you know the fat bastards can hear you everywhere!

R. Zhukov
Oh, look who finally decided to wake up! Did you sleep well, little cow?

Yefr. Lyubov (stepping outside)
As always, you lovely bastard.

R. Zhukov
Why don’t you come and get my soup for me?

Yefr. Lyubov
I would love to, but I need my hands-unlike you, I can’t sit about like a shit on ice [a Russian colloquialism meaning to be useless.]

R. Zhukov
Oh, and what is it that you do, exactly?

Strsh. Chyornov (Stepping outside)
Obviously more than you, Zhukov- how do you think he made Yefreitor?

R. Zhukov
Excuse me, Comrade Starshina. I just meant-

Strsh. Chyornov
Never mind what you meant! It is what you said that is the problem! Insulting a superior officer is directly disrespecting the Red Army at large! (But his heart isn’t in it, so he switches gears.) Where is Vasily?

Yefr. Lyubov
On patrol, Comrade Starshina. I thought it best to assign him some light duties to take his mind off things.

Strsh. Chyornov
Fine. Keep me informed.

(With a swish, the Starshina returns to his tent.)

R. Pyoterskaya
Well, he seems better!

(Zhukov shakes his head)

R. Zhukov
No, no, this is bad news, I tell you. Very bad. I remember this time, back in ‘41…

(We transition to the Germans. Freiss is pacing the camp. Friedrich stares glumly into the fire. Teuber is still asleep.)

S. Freiss
It must be. I don’t believe it, I can’t believe it…

S. Friedrich
Then don’t! You don’t know anything.

S. Freiss
Yes, of course, but have I ever been wrong in this case?

(Friedrich considers this.)

S. Friedrich
No, I suppose you haven’t.

S. Freiss
See? I’m always right.
S. Friedrich
Always right? What about the time you swore that the rations would be fresh, no matter what happened to the can?

S. Freiss (with a grimace)
Don’t remind me.

S. Friedrich
So come off your high horse. Everything’s going to be fine.

S. Freiss
I said wrong in THIS case, idiot!

(Teuber steps out of his tent and yawns.)

S. Teuber
Morning, idiots. What’s going on?

S. Friedrich
Freiss’ officer sense is going off, and he won’t shut up about it.

S. Freiss
It’s NOT just a sense! Whenever officers are on the way my head hurts.

S. Teuber
Right, right. If by “officers” you mean “Pilsner.”

S. Freiss
No, it’s a different kind of headache. It’s a low, dull throb.

S. Friedrich
Sounds like most of the officers I know.

S. Freiss
That’s the point, Friedrich! If it feels like an officer you know there is one.

S. Friedrich
You know what? I’ll bet you twenty Reichsmarks nobody’s coming.

S. Freiss
Deal. (They shake hands)
S. Teuber
Well, let’s hope not. Besides, what could officers want with this shithole of a post?

(The Feldwebel emerges from his tent, clean-shaven and buttoned up.)

S. Friedrich
Guten Morgen, Herr Feldwebel! You’re looking well.

Fldw. Fischer
Not by choice. There’s brass coming, boys.

(Freiss beams. Teuber looks shocked.)

S. Friedrich
H-How do you know?

(The Feldwebel ponders this.)

Fldw. Fischer
Call it a hunch.

S. Freiss
SEE? Pay up, idiot!

S. Friedrich (muttering)
I’m not paying you a pfennig until I see one in person.

Fdlw. Fischer
Go on! Let’s make this camp look nice.

(The Germans move slightly to the left and take their positions. Lights to half. Spotlight on the edge of the wall, where we see Ryadovoy Vasily poking his head around the corner of the wall.)

R. Vasily
O-oh shit! Germans? H-How long have they been here? This is- well, I’d better stay here, a-and watch. (Reassuring himself) Yes, that’s good. I-I’ll do that.

(Sound of a motor, and then parking. Hauptmann Eicholz, Gefreiter Steiner, and the Schreibers enter from left. Ryadavoy Vasily ducks back behind the wall.)

(As they enter the camp proper, Feldwebel Fischer musters the soldiers to attention.)

Fldw. Fischer
Kompanie, ach-TUNG!

(The soldiers stand to attention, facing the Hauptmann, and salute, {Normal military salute, NOT the Heil!} as does the Feldwebel. The Hauptmann does not deign to salute back, instead turning his attention immediately to Feldwebel Fischer.)

Hptm. Eichholz
I have reports that some men in your unit are deliberately conspiring with the enemy. Is this true?

Fldw. Fischer (dodging the question)
If I may ask, Herr Hauptmann, who gave you these reports?

Hptm. Eichholz
Your own Gefreiter, Paul Steiner. (He indicates the Gefreiter, currently standing near the other Schreibers.)


Fdlw. Fischer
Ah, Gefreiter Steiner! It’s good to see you’re safe! We were all so concerned about you after that fall you had.

Gfr. Steiner (Confused)
Uh-

Hptm. Eichholz (interrupting)
Fall? What fall?

Fldw. Fischer (laying it on thick)
Yes, and quite a bad one. Last week our dear Gefreiter tripped over a root and hit his head on a rock. Once he came to, he shouted that there were traitors among us and ran away from camp. We’ve all been so very worried about him.

(Freiss and Friedrich are trying to keep from sniggering.)

Gfr. Steiner (bristling)
Now wait just-

Hptm. Eichholz (interrupting again)
Are you saying that your Gefreiter was not in his right mind?

Fldw. Fischer
Well, of course not! Is he now?

Hptm. Eichholz (giving Gefreiter Steiner a pointed glare)
Gefreiter Steiner, report the situation to your Feldwebel as you told me.

Gfr. Steiner (visibly nervous)
But-

Hptm. Eichholz (bristling)
Do it!

(Gefreiter Steiner gulps, visibly.)

Gfr. Steiner
W-Well, Herr Hauptmann-

Fldw. Fischer (mildly)
I’ve been promoted? What a surprise!

Hptm. Eichholz (Shouting)
Address your Feldwebel!

(Gfr. Steiner tugs at his collar.)

Gfr. Steiner
Well, it, er...

(The Hauptmann glares daggers at the Gefreiter. Steiner suddenly remembered his words.)

Gfr. Steiner
I was outside a few nights ago, just, er, out and about, and I heard… I heard Teuber speaking to a Russian! In English, no less!

(He points wildly at Teuber, standing on the downstage end of the three-Schütze line. The Feldwebel winces. Vasily exits from behind the wall.)

Hptm. Eichholz
You. (points at Teuber) Step forward. (Teuber does so.) Is what the Gefreiter says true?

S. Teuber
Nein, Herr Hauptmann. He is confused.

(The Hauptmann glares into Teuber’s eyes. Eventually, he turns away.)

Hptm. Eichholz
Alright. You’ve passed. This interloper (pointing at Gefreiter Steiner, who flinches) will be punished.

(The unit salutes. The Hauptmann begins walking away, but pauses.)

Hptm. Eichholz
Out of curiosity, who were you talking too?

(Overly elated, Teuber answers too quickly.)

S. Teuber
Uh, Pyoter-

(He freezes, realizing his mistake, but by then the Hauptmann is already upon him.)

Hptm. Eichholz
Pyoter?

S. Teuber (backpedalling)
Uh, I mean Peter!

Hptm. Eichholz (shouting)
Is there a Peter in this unit?

(No answer.)

S. Teuber
I mean-

Hptm. Eichholz
No, I think you mean Pyoter.

S. Teuber
I-

Hptm. Eichholz
And I think we both know exactly what that means for you.

(A shot rings out. The Germans are all startled, but after a beat they grab their rifles and get into battle order. The Hauptmann grabs Teuber by the collar.)

Hptm. Eichholz
We will finish this later.

TIME CHANGE: HALF AN HOUR EARLIER, RUSSIAN SIDE
(This could be indicated with a sign of some kind.)

(Ryadavoi Vasily runs into his camp, out of breath and in a tremendous hurry. The other Russians are hurriedly tidying the camp.)

Yefr. Lyubov (urgently)
Vasily! Where the hell were you?
R. Vasily
On patrol, but-

Yefr. Lyubov
But nothing! Quick, clean yourself off, there’s-

(Sound of a car and footsteps.)

Yefr. Lyubov
Chyort! Never mind, line up, let’s go!

(Starshina Chyornov leads the Polkovnik and his staff onto the stage. Yefreiter Lyubov musters the unit.)


Yefr. Lyubov
Rota, smeer-NO!

(Zhukov and Pyoterskaya snap to attention, but Vasily, distracted by youth and his big news, fails to notice. The Polkovnik does not, however.)

Pol. Dubov
You! Boy! Why are you not saluting?

R. Vasily
Oh- I- Excuse me, Comrade Polkovnik.

(The Polkovnik grunts disapprovingly at the use of the word “comrade” but does not go off in a rant.)

Pol. Dubov
I suppose you all know why I’m here?

(The soldiers look at each other and shake their heads “no”. The Starshina gulps.)

Pol. Dubov
Unbelievable! (a pause.) Well, you all know your Starshina here is the hardest damn svoloch (bastard) in my entire brigade.

(The soldiers look at each other again and nod “yes.” Vasily, trying to report, speaks.)

R. Vasily
Um, Com-

Pol. Dubov (ignoring him)
So what do you think I think when some pissant Serzhant waltzes into my office and delivers a note from Starshina Chyornov requesting a three weeks pass, hmm?

R. Vasily
Sir, I ha-

Pol. Dubov (still ignoring him)
Obviously, something’s gone wrong. But what could it be? (He paces around the Starshina.) Could it be that I’ve gone mad? Could it, Starshina Chyornov?


Strsh. Chyornov
No sir!

R. Vasily
Please, sir, I-

Pol. Dubov
Could it be that I hallucinated the whole thing?

Strsh. Chyornov
No sir!

Pol. Dubov
Then it must be that you’ve gone soft. Is that right, Starshina Chyornov?

Strsh. Chyornov
Ah-

Pol. Dubov (shouting)
IS THAT RIGHT, STARSHINA CHYORNOV?

Strsh. Chyornov
Y-Yes, sir.

Pol. Dubov
Quite right. And how could this be? What could possibly influence Ivan Chyornov to go so soft and if you dare to speak again I will cut your tongue out and feed it to a bear, do you hear me?

(The last part is directed at Ryadavoy Vasily, who has raised his hand in another attempt at being heard.)

R. Vasily
But-

Pol. Dubov (raising a finger in warning)
No.
(Vasily holds his tongue.)

Pol. Dubov
Now, Comrade Starshina- why did you want this pass?

Strsh. Chyornov (humiliated and angry)
One of my men suffered a family tragedy, and I thought it best that he be sent home, sir.

Pol. Dubov
Oh, boo-hoo! A tragedy? This is a WAR, Chyornov! If you want to lose, then go right ahead! Send your pretty little princess to go home and cry!
(The unit, collectively, stiffens. Vasily is not happy.)

Pol. Dubov (continuing the tirade)
But not everybody’s as weak and petulant as you, Chyornov. I just last week met a young man, an up-and-coming Commissar. A shining pillar of the Party. Some old fool woman had run in front of my car, and he agreed to say nothing- even though that was his mother!

(The Polkovnik begins to laugh, but he does not get far.)

R. Vasily (enraged)
That was YOU?!?

Pol. Dubov (still laughing)
What do you care, was it your mother?

(Vasily can’t contain himself any longer. He breaks rank and charges the Polkovnik with his bayonet forward.)

R. Vasily
I’LL SHOW YOU, WHORE! THIS IS FOR MAMA AND OLYA!

(There is a bang, and Vasily falls. The Polkovnik reholsters his pistol. There is a moment of shock.)

Pol. Dubov
Olya? (The Polkovnik spits onto the ground.) What a stupid name.

(The whole squad is in shock. Starshina Chyornov is clenching and unclenching his fists, unable to decide between loyalty to the Party and loyalty to his dead soldier. However, he doesn’t have time to make that choice, as the Germans just then charge across the stage, shouting and screaming.)

(The battle is fierce, but short- between one and two minutes. How and when deaths occur is up to the discretion of the director.)

(As the smoke of battle clears, the only two soldiers left alive are Teuber and Pyoterskaya. They stare at each, breathing heavily, trying to process the waste they’ve just seen. After a moment, Teuber speaks.)

S. Teuber (shouting)
LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

R. Pyoterskaya (shouting as well)
I? THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU DAMNED FASCISTS!

S. Teuber
MY FAULT? MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!

R. Pyoterskaya
OH, AND YOU THINK YOU ARE ALONE? THE BRAVE GERMAN HERO, STANDING ALONE AGAINST THE RUSSIAN MENACE? (Pause) MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD TOO! THIS IS WAR!

S. Teuber
Shut up…

(But Pyoterskaya is not done)

R. Pyoterskaya
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS! WE CAN-

S. Teuber
SHUT UP!

(He shoots and kills Pyoterskaya.)

S. Teuber
Ha… I’ve won! The battle’s over! I won! I won! I won…

(The reality of what he just did sets in. He looks across the battlefield, at Pyoterskaya, and at himself. Then, in a moment of final clarity-)

S. Teuber
The war is over.

(He turns his rifle on himself. Shot. Black and fall of curtain.)