%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
|
Dominique's Blog
|
If you had a choice, what would you dream about tonight? Dreams are special to me in general because "I don't dream". I know that's not entirely accurate. The truth is I don't remember my dreams, or so they say. So, when I do happen to have a dream, I always get excited and try to remember every detail of the dream, even if it's a horrible nightmare. I wake from my terror, shaking with fear and run for a pad of paper and pen and scribble down the last few bits of my memory before consulting my Dream Book. That's exciting to me because it's so very rare that occasions such as these occur. More commonly, every morning, I wake with a blank slate, wishing I had an exciting journey to speak of. But if I had a choice, I would love to see my mother's face one last time. It's been over 12 years since she passed away from Ovarian Cancer in January 2008 and it feels like a lifetime ago. As the time fades away, so do the memories and the vivid picture I used to have of her implanted in my memory. As the years pass I cling onto a faded image of her in my mind, but when I'm honest with myself I realize that the image I have of her in my memory is no longer from memories of us together -- it's of one of the last photos I have of her. It would be nice for even just one night to have a dream of my mom to have a fresh image in my mind of her. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
"What road do I take?" asked Alice. The cat asked, "Where do you want to go?" I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it really doesn't matter, does it?" - Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland Envision your future. When you can't envision the direction you want to go, you're just wandering through life hoping things will work out. Sometimes they will! But with a set plan, great motivation and taking steps in the right direction, you're guaranteed to succeed. What do you want in life? Where do you see your career taking you in a year? Two years? If you're just starting out, can you see yourself where you need to be? In the beginning, it can be tough. There are many days when I feel like I'll never be where I want to be. The great thing is as freelancers, we create our destiny. We control how our business succeeds. If you can't envision your future and truly see yourself there, your goals are going to feel out of touch. You need concrete goals and plans. How many of your goals are so vivid that you can nearly smell the air you'd breathe as you accomplish them? You need to envision each goal happening in your life. If you hope to become a writer, imagine yourself sitting behind a desk with your favorite pen in hand. Feel the pen working its magic in your life. Picture your completed manuscript in your hands or a winning contest entry. What does it look like? What does it feel like? Imagine yourself sitting behind your computer typing your new book. Visualize your novel on the shelves in Barnes & Noble. What does the cover look like? What image did you choose? What's the title? Vision boards are my favorite because you can do whatever you want with it. You can create one big vision board with all your goals, or you can create a more specific board. If you're an artist, draw your dreams or design them with graphics on a computer. For us less artistic individuals, magazines were created just for us! Think of one thing that is stopping you from reaching your goals. How can you jump over that hurdle? Create a vision board showing you conquering this goal I would love to see your completed vision boards! onelifebehappy.com |
In nature, nothing is perfect, and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful. - Alice Walker Alice Walker's reminded me of nature's perfection and beauty. My backyard is lined with pine trees which have been growing there since before I was born. They've been around for so long that they've grown into each other and appear to be as tall as the sky itself. Last year, they all started dying. It turns out there's a bug in our county which is killing all the pine trees. When it first happened, I was quick to look at this as a disgrace. These monstrously large pine trees were all falling over and coming apart at the base, ruining my yard. After reading Alice Walker's words, I thought about my yard and the beauty it holds. Nature isn't just a bunch of trees. Nature is life. I realized I was looking at the situation all wrong. While the trees may be dying, they were there my entire life. While I was a little girl, playing in the yard, those trees sat watching me. They were the best for playing hide-and-seek. They were there through many manhunt games and when I chased the lightning bugs at night. Those trees were there when my family built our swimming pool and when we brought home each of our puppies. They were shade for my dog on summer days when he wanted to stay outside even though it was blistering hot. I think back on all the memories that I had with my trees and am left to smile. They lived a wonderful, full life. One might think it's a sad moment to hear they're all dying and initially, I thought so myself. But when I think about life, I realize it's a new beginning rather than a sad ending. Eighteen months ago, around the time the bug infected the trees, I gave birth to a beautiful toddler boy. When I look at my sons face as I take him outside to play, I know for certain that it's not a sad moment. It's a fresh start. A new beginning. Nature isn't just something pretty to look at. Nature is life. Nature is there through all our happiest memories and even the sad ones. It's there when we need peace, and want to sit and enjoy the quiet. When we're sad and need a moment to cry while looking up at the stars, it never fails. Nature is there when we're feeling romantic and want to bring our significant other somewhere impressive. It's easy to look past the incredible gift we're all given but try to sit back and really see the beauty that life offers us. Please also check out my blog outside of here: www.onelifebehappy.com (Include the www.) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
"If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that."--Stephen King Agree or disagree or is it more complicated than that? What are you reading? Do you write in that genre? I have to admitt, this struck a chord with me. I think I'm beginning to believe it more and more. The thing is, how do you EVER have the time to do both? How does any natural human being have the time to live a normal, productive life yet read and write as much as is needed to get anywhere as a writer... as an author, really. Balance is something I'm severely struggling with. I want to take classes. I'd like to work. I'm a mother.... BUT I WANT TO READ AND WRITE. Where's the balance? Is there just a point where if you want to be a writer, you just have to be a writer. Are you forced into the lonely existence of doing nothing else but sitting in a room typing and telling your family "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" when they talk to you?? Because I feel like that person sometimes and I'm nowhere NEAR an author. But as far as the tools, oh yeah. You absolutely need to real to gain tools and knowledge as a writer. You can't just read as a casual reader though and that was my problem for years. It wasn't until recently that I began to read for knowledge and tools. I now can't read a book without a highlighter and a few colored pens. I highlight every word that I don't know because here's the thing.. for years, I would pass those words by. I'd understand the gist of the word through the context and that would be it. I didn't look it up, I didn't write it down. Why read if you're not going to learn anything? I mean, of course, the obvious answer: for the story but if you want to be a writer... are you really only reading for the story? I noticed several times recently, I'd be reading a fiction book and pause and say, "huh.... I would have put a comma there. Why isn't a comma there. Does a comma belong there?" Granted, books can have errors, I've seen it but chances are, a comma wasn't meant to be there yet I have been adding comma's in similar places in all my writing. You have to want to read as a writer and it takes me forever. Honestly, sometimes it even turns me off from reading. If I'm in the middle of an action packed scene, I don't want to sit there and grammar analyze a sentence and look up words in a dictionary... but I force myself to because chances are, if I don't do it for that page or say I'll come back to it... I'll find an excuse a million more times through the book and eventually I'm not doing it anymore. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Do you check your horoscope? Your zodiac sign? Do you think these predictions are helpful or not? Have you ever considered tracking them as a tool for writing character development? You know, I don't check my horoscope! Why not? I should! Tracking them as a tool for writing character development is the most brilliant idea I've heard in a long time!!!! They would be an excellent writing prompt in general! I'm going to start. For myself, I don't look at horoscopes as absolute predictions. Some people read them and get caught up on it. Horoscopes are great for fun or positive encouragement. You can't allow it to shape your day. For example, if I wake up and read a terrible horoscope then spill coffee all over myself... I can't let that horoscope determine the rest of my day and assume everything will go to shit. At the same time, if I have a positive reading, I can certainly use it for motivation and a push in the right direction. There's plenty of times I read my horoscope and it's SO TRUE that it's almost scary so it's easy to read a negative one and feed into the mindset. That's where they become a problem. Horoscopes need to be taken with a grain of salt. Have fun with them but don't let them ruin your day!!! Gemini Daily Horoscope: February 20, 2019 Strong forces may be acting up today and asking you to stand up a little straighter than usual. Keep your shoulders back and be proud. Don't think of yourself as any less of a person just because there is disagreement between you and the people around you. Maintain a high respect of yourself and your opinions. Say things with confidence, don't back down, but be prepared to fight. As I read this horoscope, there's so many ways it is a true representation of my day. I didn't get in any disagreements so it's not exact (which they rarely are) but there's similarities. Every year since I was a baby, we've gone on a family vacation to the beach. It's a family tradition. Well, this year, my sisters husband is trying to say that they want the vacation to be just the two of them. That would leave my father, my toddler, my fiance and I out of the equasion. My father is on the verge of retirement and can't afford the vacation house by himself. My sister and him always split the cost. Not only does he not have the financial abilities alone, he is 72 years old and doesn't know how to work a computer. He wouldn't even know where to look for a vacation home by himself. My sister does the searching for him. But it's not even that... I feel disrespected FOR my father. It's a FAMILY vacation and a family tradition... her husband of 1 year gets comfortable in his spot and shoves us out. I'm not paying so really, I have no real say but I'm still hurt. There's been more times than I can tell you that I've watched her husband make my father look stupid in a conversation and sneakily be rude as hell in a nice way to him so that you really can't say he did anything but like.. UGH HE DID. He's very fake. I know this for a fact. He acts like Mr goody two shoes and better than everyone (especially my father and I) and belittles me for my past addiction and drug abuse yet I found out he was in prison with my fiance for selling the exact drugs he talks so badly about. And if he changed, that's wonderful but... it's not an I changed attitude.. it's a fake I'm better than you attitude and my sh*t don't stink I would never do any of the things you do attitude. It just hurts me especially because the original family vacation was with my mother who passed away and I know my dad is lost without her and every vacation, he talks about her and all the memories (which he shoves in and doesn't mention the rest of the year). If my sister and her husband don't allow us to go... my dad will never go alone. I know him, he just won't and it's sad. I know how much it meant to him and reminded him of her. Blah, family drama!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Today, I started a "spring cleaning" challenge so to speak. Yes, I'm aware it's the dead of winter.  I'm welcoming anyone who's interested to join in with me. It's a 28-day challenge. For me, this isn't just a way to clean my house. When I'm in a clean, organized environment, mentally I feel more together. I am less stressed. They say you can recognize one's mental clarity by how organized they are. In many ways, I agree. When I'm a mess, clothes thrown about, books everywhere, bed unmade-- I feel chaotic; I feel overwhelmed. Over the next 28 days, I want to rid the chaos in my life in all aspects. I want to think more clearly. I want to be able to walk across my room without stepping over 15 toddler toys. I want to be free of mess. I hope there will be others who are willing to do this challenge with me-- I think it's a wonderful idea. One small task each day doesn't seem like much but by the end of the month, it will pay off!  DAY 1:All baseboards DAY 2:Light switches and door handles DAY 3: All light fixtures DAY 4: Blinds and shutters DAY 5: Wipe down walls DAY 6: Washing machine and dispenser DAY 7: Air vents and filter DAY 8: Flip and rotate mattresses DAY 9: Bed pillows DAY 10: Under beds and dressers DAY 11: Closets shelves and floors DAY 12: Ceiling fan blades DAY 13: Shower head and curtain DAY 14: Dishwasher seal and dispenser DAY 15: Fridge shelves and door seal DAY 16: Microwave inside and out DAY 17: Range hood and vents DAY 18: Stove grates DAY 19: Sinks and faucets DAY 20: Kitchen utensil drawers DAY 21: Cabinet doors DAY 22: Pantry and cupboards DAY 23: Trash cans DAY 24: Inside oven DAY 25: Chairs DAY 26: Couch and cushions DAY 27: Under all furniture DAY 28: Under area rugs and mats ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Prompt:Sometimes we should express our gratitude for the small and simple things like the scent of the rain, the taste of your favorite food, or the sound of a loved one's voice. Joseph B. Wirthlin Write about the little things you are grateful for. Gratitude. Wow. Gratitude speaks to me today in a way it hasn't in years. When I woke up this morning, I opened my eyes, and I swear, life was just a little brighter. The past 15 months, since the day my son was born, has been amazing. He truly is a miracle in my life. BUT... there's been a cloud that has followed me since the day he arrived. As most of you know, I'm in recovery - yadda yadda yadda, I say it all the time. Sigh. Well, now you get to learn how I got clean... It all began when my fiance forced me to take a pregnancy test. I didn't understand why. I wasn't pregnant for christ sake! Yes, I hadn't had a period, but I hadn't had one of those in about four years [heroin does funny things to your body]. Yes, I threw up every morning... but I was a heroin addict, of course, I threw up every morning; I was in withdrawal. Yes, I may have been moody... but drugs have a way of doing that to you. They play on your emotions. One moment you're crying, the next you're throwing things across the room in a fury and before long, your maniacally happy and skipping around. Well, Guess what? I was pregnant. I'd like to tell you I was happy... but I'd be lying. How could I be? I was doing enough drugs in a day to kill an army. It turns out, I was four months pregnant on top of it. Not newly pregnant at all. If you're pregnant and using, especially the amount I was [3 bricks a day -- aka 150 bags of heroin per day] and then you stop... the baby will die. It's actually very sad and keeps addicts who learn of their pregnancy using drugs through full term. So, I got on methadone so I could get off the heroin. That's what the doctors suggested [sort of demanded actually] It did indeed get me off heroin which I was heavily into for 13 straight years. Before this, I tried everything to get clean, and it never happened. Something about this pregnancy drove me in the right direction. Not long after finding out I was pregnant, I was arrested for a state parole violation and sent to prison to finish out my sentence. There's something very eye-opening about sleeping on a metal bed each night in prison while pregnant. I signed up for a rehab program within the prison. Where I was housed, was with all people in recovery as well. During the day, instead of working in the prison, I went to groups and addressed my addiction and mental health needs. It was a 6-month program which I completed. I don't think I've ever hated myself quite as much as I did during that bid. I've been to county jail, and state prison more times than I can count and of course, it's never enjoyable but I never really CARED before... but that stay broke me. It broke me down mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically in many ways. I know without a doubt in my mind I will never do anything to land me back in an institution such as that. Anyway, it was coming uncomfortably close to my due date, and I was still in prison, so DYFS [child services] had to step in and take a list of names from me of possible homes for when Armani was born. I gave her only two names: my father and sister. Little did I know at the time, when your child is born on methadone [prescribed or not] the hospital calls DYFS anyway. November 13, 2017, Armani was born, and he was the most amazing little baby in the world. In an instant, he changed my entire life and world as I once knew it. BUT... unfortunately, he was born addicted to the methadone. I never truly knew the extent of heartbreak until that moment. Seeing my baby boy in intensive care suffering, ripped my heart straight from my chest. It's a sobering moment seeing your baby in pain as a direct result of you. I was still an inmate when he was born. I was taken to the hospital handcuffed and shackled. During my three days of labor, there were shifts of 4 officers who sat with me at all times, two of which were male officers. While I gave birth, an officer stood and LITERALLY stared into my crotch as if maybe I was hiding a gun in there. The experience was humiliating and far from how you'd dream of having your first born. Armani's father was arrested with me, so he was also in prison. I was given the option to have two visitors for one hour. I had to choose between the delivery or after the baby came. As much as I craved comfort during delivery, it was impossible to time it out perfectly to when I'd actually have the baby. Plus, I wanted my family to be able to hold him. So, I chose after he was born. Having your first child with no loved ones around and four rude officers staring is scary. I just wanted to lay there and cry but anytime a tear as much as escaped my eye, the officers started talking shit to me. Anyway... once he was born, I went into a depression. Part of it could have been normal postpartum, but the reality was... I just had a baby as an inmate. He was terribly sick from withdrawal and I had exactly two days after he was born with him before I had to go back to prison. If it weren't for the fact that I couldn't leave my baby, I probably would have killed myself. The NICU [neonatal intensive care unit] was 23-hour visiting - only closed from 5-6 o'clock at night. If my baby weren't in the NICU, I would have been allowed to hold him in the hospital room for my two remaining days, even as an inmate. Since he was in the NICU, the process to see him was this: I was SUPPOSED to be allowed to go whenever but.. the officers had to handcuff and shackle me to a wheelchair and walk me down there. Once I was in the NICU, they could take my arm shackles off [not my legs]... Well, the officers I had didn't want to stop watching the TV [which my family paid money for it to be on so that I would be able to watch TV... NOT the officers] so they never wanted to bring me. Each 8-hour shift, I would only be able to convince them to take me one time, for an hour- possibly two at most. There was only one time that a female allowed me to go twice [she was a mother] When I had to leave the hospital and be taken back to the prison... it was an ugly scene. I'm actually really lucky that I wasn't charged with additional charges because I was screaming, crying, kicking... I didn't want to leave my baby there. I completed my prison sentence two weeks later. People are like what? ohhhh.. so you went right home! Yes......... but those two weeks away from him were torture. Knowing he was in pain because of me. Because of my addiction. Because of my stupid life choices. When I went home two weeks late, he was still in the NICU. The nurses were happy to see me without police shadowing my every move or handcuffs attached to me. I spent every moment possible with him for the next two weeks. He was in the NICU for a total of one month. They slowly weaned him off morphine. His main problem was with feeding. He couldn't suck on a bottle, so he had a feeding tube. He cried a lot-- piercing shrills, not your normal newborn cry. The first time I held him the moment he was born, I can only describe his cry as a growl.... he was literally growling and whining at me. It was terrifying. I could feel the pain coming from him. When he was released, I was allowed to bring him home, but I had an open DYFS case. I had to be supervised with him 24/7 by my father. The way DYFS explained it to me was... if I'm in the kitchen with the baby, my dad literally had to be there watching. If I needed to run in the other room for his bottle for one minute and decided to bring the baby.. my dad had to follow. I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom without my dad if the baby was there. I decided to check myself into a mommy and me program which is a drug rehab where you bring your baby. Mothers who have lost their child to DYFS/ foster care often go there and are reunited with their child. If they complete the program, they're able to keep their child. It was a 6-month program which I really needed. Even after doing the 6-month prison rehab program, I needed more. Some people get it quickly-- others take forever. I needed extra help. After 12 months of programming and groups, I finally felt stable. Also, upon completion of the program, I no longer had to be babysat 24/7 by ANYONE. I was able to be with my son alone like a normal mother. Anyway, DYFS is easy to come into your life but very difficult to get rid of. I was doing so well after the mommy and me program. I've been clean, going to therapy, stable on my medications. Parenting classes, taking care of my medical needs, you name it. I've done everything DYFS has asked and more. If they asked me to lick the floor, I did it with a smile. Well, Armani will be 15-months-old next week and yesterday DYFS came to do their home visit. I was given the wonderful news that they are closing the case. Have you ever been so happy that you just break down and cry? That was me. This means everything to me... and it's not only because they'll be out of my life, that's such a small piece of it. I'm finally doing things right. I'm making the right choices for myself and my family. I'm fully trusted with my baby boy, without questions. Nobody's worried, including myself, that I'll run off of a drug binge or end up in prison. Nobody has to worry that I'll nod out while holding my child and drop him. It's not a question that I'll do the right thing anymore-- for myself and my child. I don't have to worry about hurting him anymore. I protect him now. Recovery has given me a family. A new start. A life. A freedom that I never knew. It's given me a chance to be somebody. I just signed up for a class and seven months from now, when I complete it, I'll be a certified Holistic Wellness Counselor H.W.C. When I was using, I didn't work; I dropped out of school... there was no possibility for a future. If something didn't involve me receiving drugs, it was in my way. It was a waste of my time. When I was using, I didn't go to doctors. I have a laundry list of medical problems, and I refused to do anything about it. I remember this time when my asthma was so bad, and I just ignored it. I have pneumonia. I could have died and I didn't care! I went on like nothing was wrong because god forbid I couldn't get high for an hour or two. It got to the point where I went through an entire emergency inhaler in one night. I couldn't walk without taking a single step and falling to the floor gasping for air. I ended up fainting, and someone carried me to the car and brought me to a hospital. I was in the hospital for a full week before my asthma attack broke. A week and a half later, I was still wheezing horribly but was discharged with a nebulizer. Now, in recovery, I have a medical appointment almost daily.. and I go to all of them. My health is so important to me. The fact that I drink water is incredible to me. I'm grateful for THAT-- I used to walk around so dehydrated that my lips were cracked, crinkled, peeling and bloody.. my mouth was sand dry and had a paste to it from lack of hydration. It was the weirdest thing too... I could b standing in a kitchen and just picking at the skin on my lips but never once grab a glass of water. Self-care meant nothing to me. I could go on for days about how much has changed but I won't I just wanted to express my joy in the closing of my DYFS case. I am so grateful. I'm even grateful to them for staying on top of me and for having my baby's best interest at heart. But mostly I'm grateful because today, I'm making positive choices and being the best mother I can be. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Prompt: The Flowers of February are the violet and the primrose. Let these two beautiful flowers inspire your blog entry today. Life is funny. I consider my life a true rollercoaster ride. One day I'm crying about how I need hip surgery and the next I'm thrilled about starting a future. Maybe I'm nuts. Who knows? I suppose I am Borderline.  Just when I thought there was nothing left for me, I signed up for an Innovative Nutrition Course. It's a 6-month course consisting of 12 sessions, every other Saturday for 5 hours each. If [hopefully when] I complete the course, I'll receive a certificate of completion as a "Holistic Wellness Counselor, H.W.C." After where I've been and the depression I've been in lately... I'm honestly in shock that I'm even motivated to do this. I've been so disappointed in myself for not working and just being a stay-at-home mom... I need this course. Plus, it's topics I'm interested in! For years I didn't even know what I liked. I had no idea! Interested in? uhhhhh. I'd answer with this such as "writing" yet at that point in my life, I hadn't written a single word in years. The course will cover:  Anatomy & Physiology Organic Foods, Non-GMO foods and Supplementation, Vitamins, Minerals, Enzymes The Digestive System Cardiovascular Blood Sugar Stress, Depression, Anxiety Hormones Auto-immune diseases Children's Health Pet Health Energy Healing - Reiki, Bio-Feedback, Applied Kinesiology Essential Oilsand more! For years, I've done a lot of dreaming but not too much applying. I know a lot falls back on my self-esteem and anxiety, but that can't be an excuse anymore. I'm a 28-year-old mother. I'll be 29 in June. I love nature. I love yoga and Reiki. I love health and Holistic approaches. I'm interested in supplements and anatomy. I'm interested in every last item on that list. How did it take me this long to realize to go down that path? Better late than never, right? Sometimes I wonder though... is it too late? I have a child now to worry about. Do I have the time to just start a career at my age? When I'm about to get hip replacement surgery. Yeah, I totally ignored that fact when signing up. I was in impulse-mode to the max. Hip replacement surgery? What hip replacement surgery? Ehh... SIGN AWAY! What if I can't finish the class now because of surgery? $2,000 and my self-esteem flushed down the toilet. I haven't been genuinely interested in anything that's going to advance my life or career in probably... my entire life. The few things along the way that I showed interest in, my dad shot down. He's a negative nancy. He shot this down too actually, but I guess after 28-years I finally grew the backbone to say to him, "dad you should be happy I'm interested in something." He just laughed then badmouthed Holistic medicine. Apparently, everyone's supposed to be a dentist like him. You know what.. even if I was a dentist, he would find fault, so I don't know why I let it bother me. I think another big part of why I'm into Holistic medicine so much is because I spent 13 years poisoning my body with drugs. That takes a toll on your body. From that experience, I gained a true understanding of my self and my body. I learned what it can and cannot handle. I became knowledgeable about what my body needs. I know how far I can physically push myself and exactly when I should stop. You know, it's incredible what natural remedies there are. One of the main reason I used drugs was to self-medicate. There are so many alternatives though. Heroin helped with pain and to ease my muscle spasms in my legs from my CMT. Magnesium is a natural muscle relaxer. There are so many options... I'll spare anyone who's possibly still reading. "The Ancient Greeks considered the Violet a symbol of fertility and love; they used it in love potions. Pliny recommended that a garland of violets be worn above the head to ward off headaches and dizzy spells." https://www.theflowerexpert.com/content/mostpopularflowers/morepopularflowers/vi... I just want to do something I can be proud of. Something productive. Something that will financially support my baby boy and me. I can't sleep at night knowing my finances are draining and I'm unemployed & so is my fiance Hence why I'm typing this at 3 am. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
“Growing up happens when you start having things you look back on and wish you could change -Clary Fray” Talk about something you've looked back upon you wished you could change.  I think about my life and the opportunities wasted. I threw golden opportunities out the window as if they meant nothing to me. My life could be amazing right now. I took every chance, every privilege and I stepped on it and shattered it into so many pieces that it became impossible to piece back together. Right down to the fact that my mom left me money in her will when she passed... I spent her entire inheritance on heroin in less than a week. How I'm alive to tell the story is incredible. There's days I'm so proud of myself for being in recovery and doing well. Then there's days I hate myself for destroying my life. I have so many felonies, I can't even get a job at Burger King. They ran my record and said they couldn't hire me. I'll never have a CAREER! and surely not one that I WANT. I'll never be able to work a job that I love. It'll always just be one that I was lucky enough to get. I sit here at 28-years-old struggling wishing I had the money to take creative writing classes. My mother literally left me a separate account strictly for educational funds. I paid extra money to drain the account all at once and drove to the hood and bought drugs. I was so caught up in my addiction that I didn't care about anything. I didn't care that I'd never be able to afford the type of money my mom left me for school. I didn't care that one day I'd be clean and desperately want that education. I didn't care about MYSELF so how could I care about anything else? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| There's a ball forming in my throat, choking me-- gripping my entire entity and drowning me. I want to scream, but there's no point. It won't change anything. I've known since I was 16-years-old there was a chance one day I wouldn't be able to walk. I glided through life ignoring the facts, laughing to ease the pain. Charcot Marie Tooth Disease. Nobody even knows what the hell that means. I've had doctors say, "you have what?" My life has consisted of me avoiding the inevitable which is now becoming a reality before my eyes. It's starting-- the process doctors warned me of. I'm 28-years-old, and now I need surgery-- a hip replacement for hip dysplasia. My weak walls of avoidance and ignorance are pealing down around me, falling before I can catch them. I'm not ready! I want my legs-- I need my legs. I'm a yogi. I love yoga! I can't stop walking! I understand that it won't be today or even next week, but it's beginning. I'm too young. Although, I feel every bit of my age doubled. I relate more to elders with every joint, back and hip problem they can conjure up than a single mid-life person I've met this decade. I'm tired of making friends my age anyway. You want to do what? Go hiking? I struggle up the steps at home. If I have something in my hand and can't entirely grab onto the wall and balcony to pull myself up, I'd fall back down the damn steps. I'm doing so good! It's always when I'm doing the right thing that life throws snowballs at me. 19 months clean! I've been doing everything I'm supposed to. Why now? Why couldn't it have been when I was in active addiction doing scumbag things. There's a part of me that can't accept this-- won't accept this. I can push harder-- take care of my body more but even as I say it I know how ridiculous that is. 50mph wind gusts,snow squalls,the lights flickered and bam my life falls apart. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
 Log in to Leave Feedback |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Seriously hope it works out. Maybe a stay-cation instead if you have too...
