Triggers 2

Once I seen the shell station I knew I made it. My legs collapsed and I fell to my knees in the grass. I laid the for a few minutes on the side of the road. There’s not much traffic at the moment but it’s picking up. The grass was dry here. I can feel a breeze and a ray of sunshine hitting my face. I’m in so much trouble.

I closed my eyes as I tried to catch my breath. In through my nose and out through my mouth. I repeated this breathing exercise two more times. Then I got up and made my way to their bathroom, the doors were accessible from the outside and you didn’t need a key. I made sure I didn’t have to talk to a clerk.

I knew they would notice me missing very soon if they haven’t already. My eldest 4 brothers would be sent to find me. It’s like a game for some of them. If you win you get to play with the toy first.

I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of power. Not just power over other people who you can bend at will. But power over yourself, the power that lets you say “NO, you can’t do that to me.” It’s unimaginable but I want it so bad.

I pulled the bathroom door open, there was a scratched up metal sheet for a mirror. The toilet seat was up and employees here were not required to wash their hands. I went in and locked the door, the bathroom was only meant for one user.

As I got situated I realized it wasn’t too bad. It’s early and it could have been just cleaned. It was an old bathroom though. The white and blue tiles were falling off the wall. The white porcelain sink and toilet were marked with rusty brown stains. And the grey floor has a drain in the middle that has some black slime accumulating around it.

I stood in front of the sink trying to remember the next phase of the plan to throw off my dad. I catch the blurry color of my blue eyes in the mirror. As I stare I can feel my body disappearing. I can’t move anymore, I can’t lift my arms, I can’t move my head. I can’t move my eyes, I don’t even feel the urge to blink. I just stare.

BOOM! I see the door fly open behind me. Two people rush in and start grabbing at my. I grabbed my bag and fell to the floor. I huddled in the corner under the sink. I was crying, I was crying so much that my screams wouldn’t come out. I opened my mouth and heard nothing but silence.

Knock knock knock! “Is anybody in there?” Knock knock knock! “Hello!” A younger woman yelled. “If nobody’s in there I’m getting the key.”

“No, no wait. I’m sorry I just umm, I really don’t feel well and I might be a minute.” I said in my best not shaky voice as loud as I could.

“Ok, whatever.”

I realized that it was a dream. I was alone on the floor in the corner. The door was shut. They didn’t find me but I can’t be here too much longer. My heart felt like it fell in to my stomach. I could feel it trying to beating out of my chest. I was breathing so hard my throat was dry, it took some work to swallow.

I took off my hoodie and hung it on the door. I set my bag on the sink and pulled out the scissors. I started to chop, relief came with every chunk cut. My hair was beautiful. Super straight and as red as the blood that drips from my arms. I thought when I was younger that my hair was stained from blood being in it too long.

I was really little, I wasn’t tall enough to reach the sink. I was in the room, the walls and floor were so bright. I laid the on the floor, my feet were cuffed to either side of a piece of wood. My hair was long back then also. Even though my hands were cuffed to the wood, I was able to hold my hair, it was crusty and dry. It was all stuck together but I didn’t mind.

I could barely bend my elbows but I wasn’t immobilized. I remember rolling to the wall and wiggling to the corner. I was able to sit myself up. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t feel my toes. I was completely naked.

The floor and walls were cold. While I was sitting in the corner I tried my best to curl up but the wood dug into my ankles every time I inverted my knees. I tucked my hair between the wood and my ankles and wrapped my arms around my legs. I could feel my feet going numb.

As I was looking at my hair I realized that dry parts are blood. I could feel the dry blood when I wiggled my nose and moved my mouth. I didn’t move much though. I was numb from the cold and what I could feel was sore. I don’t know how long I was in there but I couldn’t move my body when I was carried out. I heard my skin peeling from the floor like large piece of duct tape being ripped from my thighs and bum when they picked me up.

Each chunk I cut off I placed in a plastic shopping bag. I don’t want to leave a trace of evidence behind. I knew my dad wouldn’t come looking for me first but they are my fathers sons. My eldest brother, Kevin is the most like my dad and just as sadistic. He loves to get creative, and he loves using ice.

My brother James is really my brother in law. He’s married to my eldest sister. One Christmas he rape me in the living room. My sister seen us and she told my eldest sister. She was furious and confronted him. But he explained how I seduced him. While I was walking passed, reading a Harry Potter book on my way from the kitchen.

I had broken so many rules that I had to answer to my sister, my father, and each church elder alone to receive my punishments and hope for forgiveness for being the black sheep.

Once I was done cutting the hair off, I grabbed the clippers and buzzed anything left. My hair went from mid back to almost bald, I stripped my shirt of and put it in the bag. I’m down to a tank top. I grabbed the mini broom and dust pan out of my backpack to clean up and put them in the plastic bag with the loose hairs.

Then I grabbed my light blue hoodie with the front covered with mud and turned it inside out and put it on. I sewed black felt to the inside of my hoodie, it took me a month. I took my black hair gel and comb out of my backpack and combed it through the back of my hair and around my ears. It didn’t take much to turn my red hair black. Once I was done I dried the gel under the hand dryer.

Then grabbed a pair of sun glasses and a hat out of my backpack and put them on. I emptied my bag of the remaining contents; an extra set of clothes, my IDs and $200.00. I turned my purple backpack inside out since the inside was spray painted black and I packed it again. I had two IDs on me, one is mine. And one belongs to a boy who left his wallet alone by the public library computer. He’s 17, small, slender, and black hair. Luckily so am I. I feel bad for stealing it but he will live, and so will I.

I left the bathroom with the backpack on my back and the bag of hair in my hand. I threw it away at the bus stop across the street from the Shell Station on my way to Greyhound in the opposite direction. My walk there was unnerving and although I had changed my appearance, I was still very cautious about being on the streets.