The Battle with Self [Finished]

I have been given a new lease on life.

In an instant everything started changing.

All of life as I knew it, was about to change, and I could feel it.

Bliss. Warmth. Euphoria. Calm. A Gentle Awakening.

All the parts of me that I kept trying to change, and the parts that were so strongly present but I never thought was out of the ordinary, all entered my consciousness, forever to stay with me now. I am aware of who I am, now. And it is full acceptance of this with which I write today.

I'm describing discovering that I am on the autism spectrum, ie I have asperger's syndrome.

It's the biggest relief in the world. For years I struggled to live in and fit in society, to do normal everyday things. In fact I made it my goal to invest in my personal development. I worked hard, over, and over, and over again. I got rid of one addiction and another.

I found myself feeling better year after year.

This year was my best year.

I picked up new hobbies and got some routine in to my life.

I thought my energy level was the way it is, because, well, that seemed normal.

I always had a need to rest even when I barely did anything during the day. My day would be 10% doing something, and then for 4 to 6 hours total I will watch tv. Like each time I eat. Sometimes eating was an excuse to watch something.

Somehow, my body just needed it.

I came to accept that it will take a long time to get over it.

I just thought that's where I am at right now. Because I already tried so hard to change this. So I just accepted it, and tried to make the most of the hours when I didn't feel a need to sit down and watch something to zone out and escape.

I watched stories of people building great stuff, doing great things, contributing, learning, achieving goals. I had my own things I want to do.

Reading something would take me so long. 2 hours to read 20 pages, and then I would need a break, and breaks along the way, too.


Everything is changing.


I can read for hours and hours.
I feel little desire to watch, its no longer a want.
It all changed so quickly.
Once I knew who I was.

I started applying the best practices for me.

I have sensory issues. Light and sound affect me differently than normal. I was completely ignorant to this being a thing. I just thought this is how it is for everyone. All of my issues, I had accepted as 'normal' one by one as a child, as a teenager. I had no chance of knowing there was any different.

I just thought I needed to be more tolerant. I needed to be growing. I needed to change.

And it's true. I did need to grow. A lot. I have become more agreeable, more accepting, less narcissistic, more sociable, I have a wider perspective. A lot of this I attribute to an intense focus on personal development and having the environment of the university and campus organisations to practice. I soaked up new perspectives and knowledge both on campus and on the Internet. And I tried to implement and practice life changing habits. And it changed me. And I grew for the better.

It all seemed normal.

I thought I will take a few more years to grow more to be more productive. Because I tried so hard and so hard and I still ended up needing to watch netflix/youtube. I needed to consume. All the personal development said consume less, and yet whatever I tried, I had to still consume, and a lot.

So I just accepted it for now, and I focused on adding more habits I want in my life. Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. This is an important mantra.

Nowhere in the personal development world/industry, has anyone said, "oh, maybe your senses are just overloaded and so your mind gets drained."

I was handicapped, and I was unaware.
I was getting drained without any idea it existed. I implemented a plan to become my healthiest self, and yet, my energy was still the way it is.

Who knew...

I don't know the literature or science enough to explain what I am talking about.

But the autistic brain and senses function differently to the non-autistic brain and senses.

And so, not only does my brain crave routine, it also can get overloaded by the senses.

With each new routine, my body and mind are a bit more centred. A bit more normalised.
With each removal of sensory overload, my body and mind are a bit more centred. A bit more normalised.

And this is what is changing my life now...

Routines, rituals, and taking care of myself all the way down to the sensory level.

Over the years I scoured and sometimes tried a lot of knowledge and best practices from personal development that would help me. And yet, this is the key. this is the 20% of knowledge that will change my life.

I am, at last, free of the battle with myself. I am free to be me.

I honestly want to write more about this feeling of freedom. This liberation. Its always been me I have been looking for. I wish I had crisper words for this. I will express more. I will continue to express the things I love to and the things that take up my mind space.