What's New 2

What's New?

By Patrick Keenan

2773 words

He woke up one morning in search of something new, He had this feeling everyday, but for some reason today it was much stronger as it was spring, plus he had been having bad dreams about medaeval creatures livng beneath his home as well, all these made him grumpy

,So it was when his wife spoke, he told her that he knew what she would say before she said it, and as such, said she was nearly ready for the Mary Kay recycling bin,,, She asked " what the hell is that?", He tried his best to look scholarly and said" a dreadful thing and a place, or rather in fact a terrible factory of the adversary of Rodger Rabbit, who was an evil destroyer of the creatures in toon town, he is filled with hate and ill will for the inhabitants of the goodly toon town and puts them into a large vat of liquid which liqudates them and makes there adorable but ridiculous toony selves no more..... no more!" He wanted to say "no more" drawing it out dramtically like the last "nevermore" more in Poes, "The Raven" poem but. Incensed at his nonsense and sensing where he wanted to take it, she slapped him soundly like a baseball player knocking a screwball out of the park, and then took the seemingly lovely, but secretly heionous, "look out fer me world, , cause im up tuh somethin", pink barbie car car to her mothers,
Across the way, a curtain slowly closed, and there aged neighbor,sighed to herself
" Goodness she gave him such a walloping,she certainly has his number in her telephone book,,,, but what in the world is a a toon?"

As she drove away he thoguht the idea that she was over fifty and still doing that made him think, "thats getting old, and that ridiculous automobie? for God sake why pink?, why not teal, has anyone in that business heard of Mauve?"A birdie chirped and seemed to say " you dont even know what color that is, your playing your little game of being sophisticated, yuh damned toon!"It was apparently a girlbird, then he was grumpy,and sad, he hadnt controlled his negativity,
He mumbled angrily " turn me into Ken will yuh? Gi Joe thinks,,,,, not!",The girlr birdie chirped "there he goes again"

As he walked out tinto his back yard he saw a gopher hole he was planning on filling in, but it had what appeared to be a porcaline garden gnome sleeping in it,"W'ho put that thing there?" He walked over to it,,,, and to his surprise. saw that the little figure was breathing heavily...."Hurray" he thought even if this is a dream I dont care" He was suddenly delighted ,and screamed for his wife to show her that his prayers for something new had been answered, He screamed for the woman God had put in the garden in the back yard and realized that his wicked tongue had caused him to be alone,A birdie above chirped and seemed to say,"see what u did?" He thought "thats just a bird doin bird stuff" then another girl bird chirped briskly, "Deeeenial"

he was very sad, but not for long, he had a breathing gnome to investigate, but when he turned back to the gnome, yikes! his peeper blue eyes were staring at him pensively,He sensed derision, "What kind of man are u screaming for your woman like a baby,? come my son and learn the way of the mangnomes, he said "sounds good, ...uh lets go, after all its just a dream", the gnome tilted his head wistfully as if to say,"is it?"





Then the gnome laughed heartily and said " you wont fit now, give me some of your ear wax," He thought "sounds ridiculous", but somehow new too. so he did it, The troll sniffed it the way that horses do to other horses manure, smiled wisely, wagglled his finger at him, and said," that lady with the pink thing that rolls,umm, she has nibbled away lots of your man spirit, by the way what happens to them when they get recycled?, for that matter, wht is recycling?, who then also is Mary kay, a queen my son?,,, oh well, no matter, well see what we can do", he 'rolled it into a ball and threw it up above him, spat at it, like a frog spiittng at a bug to bring it down, it made made a snap, cracklle, baboom! as it hiit, it and then, he Too was a small gnome,
The home owner was freightened at the metamorphosis,the gnome notiing this said" dont fear its ,,,,,just a dream.....yes? No? We never really know my son,at least your not bored, hold onto your man spirit""



He beckoned him into the hole with a stubby hand "come quickly the weoman have made the great pies and are anxious to see if we will be pleased, "what ' he thought), weoman who are subservient, my goodness truly new". And so Down down...u get it, into the under world they went,


It was a pretty long trek down the gnome hole, his guide smelled rather like aged mustard and he had a curious habit of singing little gnome ditties as he walked down the dark abyss " hey,, hi ho,put down that wrench!!, with a rum tum tugger, and away we go, wells spit, and well boom, and well pound the earth, with rakes and hoes, and the rain she come, bless your bum, and make the food growwww,,,,,,,yum yum,,,, yum yum,,,,,,yummmmm" at the conclusion of the song he made a terrible noise as though he was swallowing a whole pie and it was fighting him all the way down his throat, at the end he let loose a terrible burp, that was the secret ingredients of mustard gas in the first world war,
Suddenly alarmed, it occured to his captive that the creature leading him was clearly out of his mind and not going to change his tune, his musty clothing or his emissions of deadly imaginary pie gas, and it would take a whlie before they would arrive at the place of pies (aka) known as the yum yum hall,also, it was somewhat wearying as his legs were now those of a gnome,then, at one moment the guide looked back at him and with a stern sobre slowness said," none of these wonders must ye reveal when u go b'ack to your life", the protege looked at him sadly and he said, "uh Ill try but i realy cant control my tongue or...for that matter my mind, hmmm/,um Ill give it a whirll",he was not satisfied with this and wished him to swear,( gnomes were always doihg this), to which he said "I cant, as the stress is too great alls I can do is give it a whirl", He scratched his head quizzically and said, "you and that whirl, what in the hell is a whilrl anyway?" He shrugged, To which He sighed deepley and said "well if you open yur big far maw dont tell anyone things which will cause trouble,,,,, were a sectretive society,"




He queried, "deal?'and he agreed "deal", no sooner than he said ,"deal" a wheel popped out of his buttock and his ptrotege's ass as well, and away they rolled , laughing all the way, , ...


. He didnt pay attentiion, or observe that the troll guide was slowing the wheel by clinchin, his leatery buttucks buns, and at one point as his own mometum increased he went by his teacher, "Hey, hey, time out" he screamed "how do you slow down?,' the gnome was no help, there currency, and reason for living is laughter, not gold, it is an economy seemingly run by the three stooges, and he had hit a gold mine, he drank deeply of it then and the laughter was like a landslide that wouldnt stop,
it wasnt funny to his student, as the speed increased he started to see light in the bottom of the tunnel and really started to worry, as it was filled with tables, pies, and many troll weoman scurrying around with table cloths, pies as big as sewer covers and caraffes o wine that they had seen or heard about from woman creatures above, only they got the wording wrong so they called them "Giraffes of wine",


One of the things that kept them in bodage to the men was that thy didnt remember how things were spelled or pronounced, its unfortunate because it has nothing to do with intelligence, but seems to make someone look stupid,

The lady gnomes in his opinion from the dreams details, seemed to him smarter,than the men, they wer curious about everthyghing, the men thought thst they already knew everything,there lower lips stuck out like sea basses and there eyes would become slits at anything new, the weomans eyes became wide like looking glass eyes, quite wild, yet beutifull to behold, though seemingly rough, they also searched for anything new or noble or beautifull,


Once rwo intrepid younger gnome ladies ventured up just in time to see the home owners wife thundering home in her luxurious pink car and stomp into her home in high heels, They shrieked in wonder, and the woman turned to see what made the noise, When they beheld her face ,there eyes became wide like looking glass eyes, the sales woman turned quickly with a shrug, and clumped precariously into the house, The younger one said softly",behold. her face be smeared with lady glitter, to attract the earth men,sly she be...ehh?" The older one nodded and pulled her away saying" not a word to the other it is forbidden.I believe the mann crearure call that lady a " wifety wife ," ""




'

Mean while, as he approached at a terrible speed, the proteagae of the elder gnome thouight this banquet looked appetizing, like amish fair. from the turn of the century, he was curious, but in a deeper sense realized he was going to have bigger problems when he smashed into all,the table pies giiraffs of wine and rakes um, cakes, all because he hadnt watched his laughing mentor to realize the break s were in his ass, i mean duh?,where else could they be?"

And then it happened , what? what do you expect? the fool, like Alice, in search of new worlds went crashing into everything, the carefully tendered wines there giraffas, pies the size of small sattelites were shattered and the llady gnomes were insatiable in there anger,,, one giant of a woman gnome named "Musty locks", demanded the "infiddle" be "destructed "or rather "destoyed" then...... rolling behind him, the mentor came rolling in with and with an ascanse attitude to the mess, and a lying blink of" how in the world has this happened?",
The older gnome came onto the mess, and he denied any affiliiation with him to save his own skin, also painted him as an interloper, who he had been chasing to in prison or slay before all the secrets of there society were reavealed, the protejae, looked at him incredulously like," dude how in the hell could u?" he only looked back like, 'Sorry dude, if I told the truth, wed both die, i hope u can find it in your heart to forgive me"after the look he sorta of skulked away, but appeared as two sad washed out blue eyes from where the corn stalks were stored hoping his protegeae would revcieve mercy,





The weoman had to be satisffied for the loss of all there work and decided in a seperate forum that he would recieve "man annihalation", a womans gnomes most severe and terrible penal Punishment, curiously they neednt lay a finger on him, all of them instead, insulting him about his masculinity until he just got smaller and smaller and then. Disappered, what a way to go,? Yes, yes , but did it satisfy there lust for vengeance?, .....yep!


The weoman began to insult the man, "you control the man wheel in thine ass,it is not known to thee oh fool, as though are not man, nay, but fully ass" then. "It is good to drink wine ass, not bash iit as a bowling ball,,,you know this not, nay, as thou art a fools"fool "also"by the hay, pies go in belly,not spalatered on ones beard,, oh, thou fool no, not fool, fully ass"......But as they did so they noticed he wasnt getting any smaller , this was the first itme this ever happened in the history of the tribunals beginningl making men smaller history, he listened politely,not realizing it was a hisrorical event, and at one point sort of annured to the jibes of his enenmies noticed distractedly, a small piece of rhubarb pie sliding down his forehead tantalizingly so, he inexpliacably snatched it from his head and ate it, the weoman stopped, there looking glass eyes wide, but stormy as they were emperiously shocked at his casual insolence, but he was in his own world after tasting and enjoying it, said to himself casually,, "oh rhubarb? ,,,my absolute fave, yum and again,, ahem, yumyum....yum yumm.etc." It was too much for one of the leading weoman named Madaam rumble bum, she shouted in the din of confusion "where in the name of earth, did this gnome come from, who taught him the way of the yum yum song? he be not of our clan?"

Suddenly, and finally, either conflicted or afraid that they would put two and two together his mentor walked slowly into the forums center, guilt stricken,or in fear of being implicated an with a wobbly, shaking, finger pointed up and said " I go up there sometimes just um,,uh... you know..jus lookin around for something,,, new" As we humans go into caves and call it spelunking , they in turn go up from the earths bowels and call it "rain bow riding',



They looked at him scornfully as if to say "well deal with u later" for now they were curious about the prisoner and asked how it was that he a man was not made smaller by there insulst, as it was the first time that this had happeened, usually by this time men were the size of a flea.,,,, and he too pointed up and said "Up there we have anther up there," not the land above u, but infinately higher, think as high as u can and then go much higher, and then at the last millesecond take a hard turn into your heart and someone is waiting for you, strangely they did so,One red haired woman named " apple" cried out to the others, "The in fiddle has made my nogginin hurt... me thinks, A Warlock he be?" He laughed heartily which calmed them as it sounded exacrly the way there asenine men laughed at them since time immemorail realizing it had confused them,, he humbled himself and he said The place its called "heaven", the weoman looked at at each other incredulously and said "leaven" as in bread?, "no but its.... its pronounc..oh bother,,,' Anyway, there is a place above the upper earth yes its called hmm? Up yonder. and one day, a man who was all knowing meaning, well God, came down and told us to turn the other cheek when our enemies insult us,, meaning dont listen or be offended,,He comanded us to enbiggen thyself above the smallness of it, and to imitate him and love them insteaed of hating them", The weoman raised there eyebrows, and there looking glass eyes became wide and wild like a rainbow sea,, He was starteld to see a chorus of these eyes peering at him,"I know, I knowe it seem s like it wont work its initailly quite confusing,but, as u saw in my case, it does, it took some time to believe it would, for me as well but by his words, It worketh its power for me and will do as as for thee oh ladies"




He made a low bow when he said" ladies", and a woman named "Lark" laughed out of turn, and they all looked at her derisively and she raised her hands as if to say"what?"




He spoke on,This person inside our heart, teaches again and agin the simplest of truths,to esacap anger, yet we cannot remember them as we are fooled by an invisible adversary and choose of the two things given the wrong way, this being to hate, and then we are miserable and soon (so too, is everyone around us in time), you see how false and bitter is this fruit of hate, If you heed him not, and love his ways not,you will be in a hell of your own making, here now and after you die, I vow and have no fear in swearing that this be true,




They were duly amazed at the ease at which he swore his oath, for he had tried and seen it was tested and true, he said "if I was stubborn and hadnt heeded what he said I would be gone to who knows where, he up yonder,living in the heart he said it, and he made us, an his stuff works, if u believe it will, and we above,not all, but many do it and,,,,,well, by my still being here, u see, it has power?,"





the men stuck there lips out and said "that wont work",{ it sort of escaped them that it just had }, then, there was a stange silence and he sensed an oening in the dialogue, so he said "actually for a little whie it seemd like it wouldnt work", the men went " ahha",but the weoman said "what do you mean by 'seemed like it didnt work?", "well. his enemies got madder and madder and smaller and smaller so they thought that if they didnt kill him they would disaapear, so they crucified him, the men went, " see ,thats what happens?" he said "no" Men cannot kill the one who created them, though they will try, as they chose to hate instead of his new way, of love So he rose up after his crucifixion and said " enough is enough" and, something new happened"
They all looked at him and said, "Tell ,,telll tel,,,,,,tellllll!l" he said ,"well he is God, so man cant kill him but he made ir seem like they had," after a few days he came back alive, this starteld the weoman and they Said " How be this" but, the men said "to kill his enemies of course?" and he shouted ,, "no! to Teach people not to hate or hurt others so they dont become small and mean and cant see heaven or the God man who loves them and lives inside them but never listen, He became like u all in an earth body, even though he didnt have to because hes tired of all the hate and fighting down here we be his children, he made us and loves us,.he calls himself Jesus,,he came from above the above,The King of Heaven, the final above, amen"


A wise woman named star, shouted "The fighting down here makes my heart and brain sick" let us hail this only God and do as he says and be done with it forever,we think by yelling and being clever we will win at last, but it is a lie and alas, endless in talk endless in pain, enough be enough! ".
'
The others were not so easily convinced, though a dream, it was not a fairy tale, The Protegae of the gnome Realized the new territory and land below would only be taken with some doing. they also pronounced his name wrong, i will not go into that, but,,something was beginning,,,, There was a confusion, wonder and a lot of questions about him that needed to be explained, it was anarchy abject, revolution new and decidedly raw and wild,the winds of change blew like immense thunder, He couldnt believe it was happening, but it didnt really seem like he was doing it, words that seemd not his own were being aided by some kind of wind, it smelled strangely new too in the cavernous chasm below, like lilacs, that freightned the gnomes who had grown accustomed to the smell of mustard,

but in some way it was also terrifying for them , It is old, this Gift from heaven, but so few heed its message, so, strangely it is always new, but, only available to those who believe and accept it like a child, but a discerning and obedient one, this God, this man and God this indestructble life surely did advent himself below and surely is God, so have a care and take his Gift not to hate or to ever die, heed beloved, listen and live, I speak sooth to attract but in the end iam bound only to him as a frail and trembling fearfull guide, If I appear a fool so be it, let if be my glory, So, are u ready, to be new?

then,as gnomes do everyone began yelling at the same time, meaning it needed to be explainied more, it aways does, but undaunted, he sensed that with his help and a sort of mysterious wind blowing his words, they would get it right and be free from the power of hate and death too, he raised his hands and said, "this is a lot to take in at one time, here to fore,or heel to toe, whatever, everytme u ladies have a pie festival ill comedown and explain everything, and now I must go up above to apologize to my wife," the weoman had never heard of that,men gnomes dont do that, its bad luck, but when he explained they liked , it by what it emoted, and called it "apolly wise', it was a good day... as many new and wonderful things had been learned in the land below his back yard, he put all his heart and all,his soul into teaching them, but in the end it was only by believieng that they would change, it started to happen. For some reason the back yard smelled like lilacs, and he awoke, but the dream was from God,so it trumped reality, amen,