Dear Love

Dear LOVE,
I am still exploring myself but one thing I can be certain of is, falling in love isn't easy for me. It was out of the blue for me to fall for you and I keep wondering what captured my cold heart in a glance. As I started approaching the end of my adolescence, I started experiencing the necessity to keep an open mind and start approaching a single thing from various different perspectives but never to give my whole heart in. I realized how painful it was to pick my heart up while I was wearing it on my sleeves. But with you, everything became and is still different.

Even in my wildest dreams, I couldn't have imagined that I would ever fall for you. Around 4 and half years ago, my best friend introduced you to me. She kept on emphasizing how beautiful your personality is, how important is the message you are trying to convey is, how hard you have struggled to make a place for yourself, how much effort you put into work and the list goes on.
I was never interested. I need to admit, I was racist and that was the sole reason I couldn't even stand looking at your pictures even on the screen. Though I adored my best friend I wasn't fond of her liking you, never interested when she talked about you or even when she would simply ask me to be happy for her because she was happy for you.

Since the last four and half years, things around me have changed. I learned to endure my pain in silence. I learned to keep searching for a light when I needed to get out of the dark abyss. I learned to unravel the cause of my emotions. I learned to respect my opponents even after I won the match. I learned why it is important to let go. I learned to move on from a broken heart. I learned how bossy I am and how easily I lose my temper. I lost a lot of people who were close to me, I cut off contact with my close friends, I began searching for an empty place in a crowd and I thought I was never capable of being loved or ever loving anyone. I learned to never give my whole heart in. But your endless love gave me an insight into the enormous love I have within me.

A few months ago after realizing I needed to look at things from various different perspectives or no perspective, I decided to learn about you. After all, you were someone my best friend adored and I thought how I could not learn about someone whom my best friend admires. I love her so much, at least I can be supportive of her choices. Then I sat down and started learning.

I started first with learning your names (even your names are as beautiful as you are), what do you do, how old are you, when did you start this journey, how did you started the journey, what came along the way, how did you overcome such big difficulties, how far have you come, your work, the effort you put into your work and with all these I could not stop myself from learning about how beautifully you smile, how you can warm someone's heart with your laugh, what makes your heart melt and why is it so painful to see you in tears. Well, that's not only it. I learned how strongly you can lead a team, how eye-catching is it to look at your raised eyebrow while flying a kiss, how can I age but still enjoy everything as a child does, why I need to learn some savage lines but never to give up and keep working hard for what I believe in, why is it important to have a little sunshine on my dark thoughts, why is it never wrong to care or show love for people I care about, it's okay to be friendly and I shouldn't be afraid to show people who I truly am what values I carry and lastly not be insecure and keep having the patience.
1.
I was very insecure, I still am but the level has reduced by a greater number by now. I can't handle the attention people give to me and fame scares me. Leaving my home even for a week makes me homesick even at the age of 20 just after 2-3 days. The unnecessary criticism makes me shiver in fear. I get scared thinking I am so young and I might not be able to make it or lose the track I wanted to follow. Then I look at you.

I can't picture how difficult it must have been for you to be separated from your family at 13 and live in a different place for your work and still be harassed and criticized for whatever you do. How scary it must have been for you when they kept their eyes on you 24/7 to report even the tiniest bit of mistake you made while you were growing up. It must have hurt you a lot as they kept torturing you when you were trying to overcome the pain. You must have been terrified when you needed to step on the nails they threw on your road. Despite all these, you made it out so beautiful.

When I was a kid, my parents would tell me to be like 'Rose'. I couldn't be one. But seeing you makes me feel like one. You are no less than a Rose. You grew up gorgeously between the thorns and you have been watering others to grow up as well. You watered me as well. You have taught me not to change my values, my personality even when someone throws bricks at me. You taught me I need to learn to feel the pain, enhance it and take it as fuel to keep growing. I learned the importance of being calm, taking things slowly, and doing my work with my whole heart.

If perfection is a person, it must be you. From your charming look, your bunny smile, your sweet voice to your bulky strong muscles, what is there that is not breathtaking. When I see you in tears, I wish I could hold you strong and create a protective shield around you and make you keep smiling forever. That's how precious your smile is. When you frown, I wish I could do some of my silly dance moves and hear your baby laugh and see your bunny teeth. I wonder how beautiful it would be to keep hearing your voice and would do everything to keep it going. I would love to see you lifting the weights while on the side I carry on with my Yoga. I know how much you adore eating and would want to have a peaceful, relaxing sleep after a tiring day. I wish I could ensure you never have to worry about food and sleep. How could I forget to mention your hairstyles and tattoos which make my heart flutter every single time? I don't have words to explain how pleasing you are.

But it scares me, seeing you in tears, seeing the weight loss pills in your bag, seeing how you can drink 2 liters of beer in a single take, how people keep stalking, harassing, and criticizing you and I got goose bumps when I heard you got in a car accident. I know you care about me a lot. You want to keep motivating me, inspiring me, loving me, and ensuring me that you will never let go of me.

I also want you to realize that I love you endlessly. I want to tell you, you don't need to change anything about yourself. Your hair, your eyes, your chin, your smile, your teeth, your muscles, or your fats, all are very beautiful. I know your life isn't easy. If you can share, please do it with me, I would love to listen to your hardships and offer you a shoulder to cry on but it scares me seeing you getting intoxicated to relieve your pain. I always have your back and I'm always ready to listen to you. I know you feel tired after a long day and please do take a rest. I know you love getting for me and keeping everything aside to make me thrilled looking at you perform. That scares me, baby. You don't know how hard I cried when I saw a stretcher carrying you right after you left me, when you fainted while performing for me and when you were taking those oxygen masks. I need to see you being happy, healthy, and peaceful. I love you more than the words can explain and I will keep doing so. Dear love, for me, please do stay happy and healthy. (1)


Part 2:
Baby, I get baffled by the steps I have to take to maintain a relationship. You know I am very scared of commitments and getting attached to people. Meeting new people, making new friends and getting attached to them brings an ominous feeling to me. Moreover losing my loved one triggers me to be an indefatigable person with a repulsive personality. But when I look at you, my insecurities fade away.

You are an accomplished virtuoso whether it be on music, acting or being a friend. I adore how you have not let your work disturb the balance you have had with your relationships. I love how open your heart is to everything and you have always been able to keep it at peace. You have always taught it is beautiful to meet new people, learn about new culture and accept the uncertainty. I am still not over how you didn't freak out even a bit when you lost your route and your friends in a new land, but you kept enjoying the place. The time when you were running all over, taking your camera out and laughing with your sunglasses on remains on my heart forever.

I remember the time when you lost your grandmother. She was the one who named you, raised you and was very close to you. You lost her when you were facing black lash and criticism but you still managed to keep a smile on my face, make me laugh and astonish us with your incredible performance. The time when you were crying telling me that you lost her, I wish I could have held you tight.

Your tears make me shiver; especially the one when you were in full red and our elder brother had mentioned about you all once thinking about getting separated. That moment still can bring tears to me. But I know I am lucky that you had little Kookie hold you tight then and I hope you will always have your brothers back and mine. I know you pour your heart into people you loved and getting separated from them is something disturbing to you but despite all these you never stopped loving and wearing your heart on sleeves. You taught me love, it's never wrong to love, it's never wrong to open your heart or pour your soul into something you love. After all, we both are Capricorns, I can do that!

Let me keep the Capricorn thing aside, I love that I have few things similar to you. Look we both pour our soul into someone we love, we love taking care about our loved ones, getting separated from them scares us, we want to grow old with them, we love to explore new places, we both want someone who will take care of like our mothers (I am so lucky that I have baby Mochi to take care of you, when I am not there), we don't have the stamina to handle spicy food, we don't want our children personality to fade away, moving on from a broken heart isn't easy for us, we don't have a taste for hard drinks, we both love Yeontan and we both need someone to cuddle on when we sleep (I need three pillows). 

But don't worry, I will give you my pillow, hold you tight when it gets dark, we can learn skating together and will go on an adventurous ride along your side. I wouldn't mind pretending to be fooled by your acting and wouldn't freak out if you plant a sudden kiss on my cheeks.
 
You know right, you are breathtaking. Your hair, no matter with what color you dye it, what style you give, whether you curl it, cover your entire forehead or make it visible, your arms, your fingers, your rings(the three combined gemstone ring which you generally wear on your middle finger), your suit, your track, whatever you wear, you are always so good looking. Your mirror selfies are enough to make my day. I wouldn't mind dreaming all night about your hands carrying the green microphone.  How lucky I am that I have someone who doesn't only have a handsome face but a beautiful personality as well.

When you cry, I get tears too. When you are struggling with an emotional phase that makes me scared. I wish to be beside you during all the hardship and make your laugh sustain forever. (I am pretty sure you know, you can look hot and cute at the same time). Dear love, for me, please be happy and healthy! (2)

Part 3:
Love, when I was growing I would tremble when people would comment on my appearance. Even my loved ones did so. They would look at me and comment on how it is not good for me to be a gourmet. Not only that, either I was too short, too fat, had thick thighs, no jawline, no muscles or no perfect skin. I was already struggling with the hormonal changes and they loved making me insecure about my own body. They made me feel that if I change this, maybe I will be likeable. No wonder I did think starving might be an option!

Due to this I was so afraid of putting on my favorite clothes thinking maybe my belly fat would be distinguished, the clothes might not match my skin color, maybe I didn't have the body structure to make it look beautiful on me and my fingers are not pretty to put on my favorite accessories. I was afraid to call anyone pretty (after all what would a person like me know about who is attractive or not), insecure that someone I love might reject me because of the way I look or me caring for someone just might be another way of gaining some attention and sympathy.

You taught that I am not alone. You are so gorgeous that even straight men can fall for your charm. Your skin shines like a diamond, once one locks their eyes in yours; there's no going back, your flawless hair and your outer appearance can make anyone's jaw drop. And if one is going to look into your personality, no one else can impress them. The way you take care of your brothers and create a protective shield around them makes even me feel so special. You are the definition of beauty.

Still, there are people who keep harassing, stalking and telling you that you are not worth enough. Even when you were struggling at your worst, they still criticized you for your looks, forcing you to starve. I shiver when I hear the words they are using to tear you apart by saying you are excessive, you are short, you don't have the perfect jawline, your clothing sense isn't good enough or the accessories you wear are cheap. I wish I could have shut down all comments and reminded you how attractive you are and you don't need to change anything. 

You reminded me that, no matter how beautiful you are, there will be people who want to scatter you in pieces. And there will be people to love me for who I am no matter what. I should always focus on the one who is trying to lift me up, if I see no one I should be the one. 

You taught me that no matter what hardship I am going with, it's never okay to pretend to be rough in order to appeal tough. I can still have a tender heart, love people endlessly and gear up and keep going. You taught me even if they threw bricks at me, I can still protect the ones I love. 
How can I forget you wearing the necklace with my name on it every time (I know you have lost it now, don't worry if I meet you, I would want to give you one). It still makes me smile when I remember you telling me there is one person out there to love me and how you asked me to wear a shirt with your picture in it and it having, I love and support you. Trust me, I wouldn't mind wearing it till my funeral. 
 
Baby you are so sweet, so charming and so gorgeous. I might not be able to hold on to every time or be a shield to protect you from those bricks or shut those people who love blabbering about you with a naive attitude. But I want to assure you, I will always be there for you and keep loving and supporting you. One day I will be strong enough to make an audacious attempt to shut down all the haters. I want you to remember that you are gorgeous and nothing would make me happy than seeing you happy and healthy. Dear Love, for me, please do stay so! (3)

Part 4:
My sunshine, you know it hits me hard when I realize I had kept myself in the dark. It is sad how I had made my new normal sad and depressing, how I thought there is only thunder and there is no hope for some light. I had forgotten to smile, I had forgotten to live and in the process of aging, I had lost my inner child. Frowning, endless meaningless loquacity and disheveled retrospect had captured me and I never thought I would be getting out of this. But you happened.

You didn't get any magnanimous action when you were a tyro. You went through all the troubles without any hesitation and still glowed brighter than any diamond. Even when you were suffering the pain of the bricks people were throwing at you, you kept on smiling and never complained. You went through the dark and made it glow with your light. You danced gracefully throughout every step even making me forget that there are wounds on your foot. Even when people had the audacity to call you ugly, you made me feel, only me calling you beautiful was enough for you. You never worried about showing anyone your inner child and your joyfulness and positivity towards everything that happens. Even in your darkest time, you gave everyone hope.

You gave me hope. Looking at you, listening to you makes me calm and lightened. You taught me, it's okay to have to go through some dark times in my life, it is okay not to have people understand, respect and love me at every step, it's fine even if people throw nails on my path and I have to learn to be grateful for what I have.

Mi amor, you taught me I need to understand that no one can take my smile, no one can take my laugh, no one can take my inner child; the only one who can do this, is me. I need to learn to be grateful for everything I have. I don't need to worry about showing my emotions and I shouldn't give anyone the right to have control over my emotions. I need to listen to people I love and rather than complaining I can be my own light. I don't need to worry about what people are going to react to or how they can harm me. Rather I can always focus on the good thing that is happening and always find a light or be one.

When I see you dance all the way along, every step you do gives me a sensation of pleasure. My eyes lightened up seeing your moves and it never gets tiring. With you, I always learn to smile, laugh, my inner child never hides and can keep on dancing forever. You are my hope. You know you are my sunshine.

I know your life isn't easy. You think it's wrong to bother me with any of your problems, rather you listen to my every small complaint. You make me forget that even you might be facing something terrible and I am sorry at times even your smiles fool me making me think you are always happy.

Love, at times I might not be able to notice the pain behind your smile or the fear behind your laugh. But I want to assure you I will keep up with everything to keep your smile, always pave a way to hear your laugh and will do all it takes to keep you glowing. I will never let your inner child die and will always be beside you. You can lean on me anytime. I hope someday even I can be your hope. Dear love, for me, please always stay happy and healthy! (4)

Part 5:
Love, attachment, and commitments frightens me. I keep on vacillating between being friends or not, getting in a relationship or not, or opening my heart or not. It's hard for me to have friends or stay as one. Even if I adore a person infinitely, I don't prefer displaying my emotions rather I keep magnifying it within me. Having multiple failed relationships longs me to be a loner. But with you, I feel I am at home and have enough warmth to lighten up my cold-shivered heart.

My insecurities fade away every time I look at you or listen to you. I can't even handle the idea of being in your place even for a minute. I wonder how tiring it must have been for you to do a side job when you were just a high school student. You had no choice, either starve or get a job to pay for the food. You must have felt enormous pain when you got in an accident on your bike and injured your shoulders when you were delivering the food. It is not only the physical injury but the psychological effect it had on you. For an adolescent to handle the burden of his academics, future, and food all on his own, is a nightmare. But you did it!
You taught me hardships are what make you strong. It doesn't matter what comes along the way, I must learn to endure it and make the best out of it all. You made me realize to be grateful for my pain and grow out of it rather than getting lost. It is okay and is going to be okay. All I need to do is keep going.

You keep telling me that you were never a bright student. I know you don't support the education system but I know you have a strong urge to learn and you keep emphasizing this. I love how you have mastered everything you have touched and been an idol for me. Leaving aside your passion which I applause so much, I am also waiting for the day when you are going to tell me, you got a degree in psychology.

Things were never easy for you, neither in your high school nor when you became an adult. Your parents didn't support you, you had to choose between the next meal or the bus ticket to get back home, people not missing a single opportunity to tear you down, giving you constant criticism and trying to harass you, telling you your dreams are big and want to make you go down and burn along with the flame and turn to ashes. You proved them all wrong!

Every step you take in life motivates me and you have been an inspiration for me since the day I met you. You have taught me it doesn't matter what environment condition I am placed in, nothing is going to change who I am and nothing should trigger me to go down my capabilities.
My academic grades, my financial condition, my looks, nothing can replace the heart of the Tiger which is within me.

Now you have made not only me but everyone around you realize to give you what you want. After all, you are going to work hard, climb every step and finally get there. You know how to ignore the stabbing you get, rise above all the hate and fear, and keep listening to your heart and your loved ones and get going.

I might not be as good-looking, talented, and have a strong heart as you have but to some extent, we do share a common personality of looking cold heartened and hating to display love. You make me realize I am not alone. You told me it is okay to have a different way of showing our affection for people and you have the right to ask for space when you need one.

You blessed me by making me the first witness to see your talent. You trusted me, to open up about your depression, you shared with me your stories and you have loved and cared about me endlessly the day since we first met. They tell me, you are a savage king (no doubt you are ), but I want to tell the world that you are an intrepid fighter, have a soft spot for everything but one should never mess with it and you have grown up to be a beautiful man.

Even though you have come so far, I know things are still not easy for you. You are still recovering and you have been very open about your state. When you opened up about your depression phase, it scared me. I cried as I was not able to notice the pain you were hiding. When they were talking about your personal life not being that good and you having a drinking problem, a strange feeling aroused in me.
Dear love, you know you mean the world you. You are my role model, my inspiration, my motivator, my guide, and my lover. You make me laugh and make me strong. Seeing that gummy smile of you is enough to make me face all my fears and troubles and I would go to any extent to keep it glowing forever. Please, do stay happy and healthy for me! (5)

Part 6:
My handsome hunk, the competition for better than today and better than others triggers my core to an uncomfortable state. I feel I have lost myself in the race and I am not aware of what I am fighting and running for. Maybe I am running for what others already have or what others think I need to have to be better at life. Maybe I am running for the success the society has already defined. Get better grades than them, be good-looking than them, collect more assets than them, earn more than them, holistically have more materialistic stuff than others.

Hovering over this idea never made me ruthless. I forgot to take a rest and had no idea who was the one I was looking in the mirror. I felt uneasy and kept longing to become calm. Then I met you. You told me when you were young, your mother would keep hearing from her friends of how great their sons were doing and all you wanted was to make sure that one day even your mother could boast up about her son. You wanted her to be proud of you. You kept on looking at your friends trying to catch their pace but after some while you learned an important thing and today you have successfully conveyed that message even to me.

You taught me, we all have a different journey, different pace, and time for all of us is very different. I need to learn to breathe. I need to learn to take time for myself, look at things around me and look within me. I need to go up at my own pace steadily and need to ensure I take good care of myself and don't rush things out to leave me breathless. I am different from others and so is my journey. It doesn't matter whether I made it first or not or whether I made it at all or not. What does matter is, did I live every step I took, and did I go on my pace or not?

You made me realize stressing about catching up with others' pace and being better than others has nothing to do with me. My abilities and my weakness are mines and I should never try to match it up with anyone. I must learn to enjoy my ride with the time I need to take. All I need to ensure is I take every breath consciously.

I don't think anyone needs to remind you about how good-looking you are. When you give me a flying kiss with your raised eyebrows flutters my heart. I get lost in your eyes and your pouty lips. I know it hurts badly when someone keeps bringing up that you have only been able to come this far only because of your looks. When they tell you this, I feel I can break their neck. It hurts me when they want to erase the effort you keep in every work, the passion you have, and tear you down trying to make you realize it was only because of your face.

I adore how you have been able to pass all these so beautifully. You have been able to catch your pace and not get disturbed by people trying to bring you down. Looking at you is enough to make me forget my constant fret. I love how beautifully to enjoy the steps you take and how you have never left your inner child hidden. It is mesmerizing to peak into the relationships you have and how you have been able to manage your 'Outgoing Introvert' personality.

Laying an eye on your looks is breathtaking and setting in on your inner is an attachment. Love thank you so much for being there beside me and I promise that no matter where time will take us, I will always be there with you. I will adore your face even when you get wrinkles and all I want is for you to stay healthy and be happy!


Part 7:
My love, goose bumps arise throughout my body when I am given to lead a team or when I have to convey a false beautiful message just to make someone smile. I don't think I am capable of handling the emotions of carrying the responsibilities of individuals to make a better team. I can't handle myself at my worst, I wonder how I will react when I need to motivate and inspire someone when I am stuck in a dark abyss.

Looking at you brings a new perspective to me. How accomplished can an individual be if he is not you? Baby, you don't even need to try: you are an idol not only to me but for everyone.
At a very young age, you led a team to the brightest path from the darkest place. Even if you were suffering heavily, you did everything to make sure everyone comes out blooming as the brightest flower. When there were stones being thrown at you, you made sure to turn them into flowers and distribute them to everyone. When a person is in dark, tortured emotionally, they can't even handle their emotions, YOU LED A TEAM!! This is how strong and beautiful you are.

I don't know whether I should be happy or surprised to realize you have everything one wants to see in their loved ones. You are so generous, humble, polite, and when I accomplish something you are so proud. The way your eyes shine seeing me taking a step further motivates me to keep fighting. You have made me realize why I should love myself and taught me how to do it. Your brain is the sexiest thing about yours. I could go on days listening to what you speak and how you perceive things. Your intelligence is what everyone needs in one's life.

Your creativity and the talent you have been enough to keep my eyes widened. My jaw drops every time you come up with a new idea. You are so beautiful to look at. Your dimples, your hair, your smile, and your broad shoulders; I never want to take my eyes off it or keep dreaming about it. You are so strong not only emotionally (I don't think I need to elaborate this more) but physically as well. Your things, your biceps, your abs, and your height is all everyone craves.
You have my utmost respect. If I ever need motivation or inspiration, I look at you and listen to your words. I could blindly follow the path you show me, love you endlessly, and keep falling for you over and over again. You are my leader!

Baby, you have gone and still have many dark rooms to pass. Though I am not as strong and intelligent as you, I would do everything to ensure you are happy. I want to be your safe haven.
I want to drown in your love and make you stay healthy and happy! (7)

Part 8:
I don't think there are enough adjectives to describe what you mean to me and the words are never going to be enough to convey the love I hold for you. I was a bumbling amateur but with you I feel like a virtuoso. I have learned, it is not about being gregarious or phlegmatic but rather learning to be kind and loving. Once I learn to myself, loving others and tranquility will follow me. I have stopped hearing cacophony within me and I have learned to be pleasant. Thank you!

Losing you, being separated from you is going to be something I will never be able to handle. I don't think I can grasp the feeling of you being gone. One thing that we both are certain of is, there is going to be an end for us and the only thing we can celebrate is the memories of each other which we hold.

 I don't know where our journey will end or where time is going to take us. I don't even know whether you will ever acknowledge the love I have for you or the impact you have had on my life. I am not even certain, I will be introduced to you or not or you will feel the same for me .I have no clue where our ends will be and how will it end.   

I might never be able to look at you, hear you or be with you. I might never be able to be together to celebrate your achievements, or hold your hands or maybe learn a little more about you. But I want to cherish all the moments you have shared with me and make the most out of them. I hope I am doing it, love.

"I PURPLE YOU!"


Shraddha Kadel