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My life as real as it gets. Imagined into reality. |
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While I won't be putting anything here too persional or risque I do have the rating set in case. Primarily I ask people who are easily offended by child like things to move on. You don't have to read this if these things upset you. I hope to make this a Blog that expresses my life inside of an imagined one. I find the pure imagination characterized as childs play to be very helpful in expressing things that are or would be otherwise impossible if not for exploring it in the safety of a youthful spirited character. His name is LP^2 Lily or Little Lily for short. He is a small wingless fur covered dragon whoes age really is not important or hold any significance. Although some may think age ten or five. I like to think his character is ageless. When you are free and safe at the same time real life seems livable and no obstacle can become a lock down. The only hinderence to artistic expression is the jail cell we put ourselves into that exists in the mind. If we could only allow ourselves to be imperfect then perhaps we could better ourselves in true human beings with a heart that is faithful, agope love, and a spiritual heart that is teachable. May God bless those who enter. Amen |
| I am sure most here know where I am coming from when it comes to those around us. Unless your a writer or an artist the idea of getting involved with a fictious world seems crazy.Although there are some very beautifully minded musicians out there who get it too. Look mum no computer has his character named Cosmo. If you spend so much time building something from descrete chips and solder you sort of become friends with inanamate objects rather easy. If your some one like me you question whether people trust you or not. Even going as far as to trust anyone who would give you their time. Its comical how easily those like me get betrayed so easily. As if we should have known because these people were the only ones who took the time to get to know us. Then all that effort was not for our friendship, but instead our betrayol. It screws with your trust for sure. My heart breaks for those who sufford childhood trauma. My home was a safe haven. My school and social life was not. I lived with autism and OCD ever sense I was a child and got diagnosed with it. Even if I pretend I am an a-typical person these little things about me show up. People can say that it does not exist. Even I... could tell myself its only a fictious illusion. Yet, I can't explain how or why my mind does what it does. At one moment I know without a shadow of a doubt who I am. Then the next moment I really don't know. Everything makes more sense in hexdecimal and binary numbers. My math teacher used to spot sign mistakes. Not one number was wrong. I did it all in my head and calculated it perfectly except for a small sign error. Some how logic, phylosohpy, and theology just makes sense of the mess that I am. In polynomials and factoring it sort of makes sense. I am really slow, but I am precise. I have to have a note pad, but I a calculator is often times impractical unless I am tracking down a math error somewhere. I know it in my own little world. That is where everything makes sense. Seeing a system built on strip boards and wire makes everything I know worth something. Makes me feel like I am alive and not just a crazy fool. I suppose I should not be so surprised that I would form friendship with my own non-phsysical world. To me it seems more tangible and real then anything I would experience in life. Pleasure is short lived. Taste, physical toutch, even the achnoledgment of physical presence seems short lived. In my wonderland alternative stimuli replace the 5 sense that are short lived. The dirt or stone floor of the cave seem more solid. Benieth my paws the wooden floors of my imnagination seem more real to me then the flooring of my living room. The only way I know the difference at times is the physics. There is a pattern to this life no one really recognizes like I do. The experiance and the sound of my homemade instruments just seem to provide an anchor for my sanity. The synthetic wave forms controlled by an analogue signal seem to sound something words alone could never express. Oh I can feel it, but the realization of all this otherwise sort of gets replaced by my own coping being automatic. Being lost is not exactly lost. Its simply without a single point of refference. The potential difference between points says very little to the vast connections of my own affinity with artifical stimuli. Is it really that difficult to see how I can relate to the madness of synthetic sounds and its imperfect analogue systems? I will be honest the sound and feel of voice in my wonderland is different. The tone, timbre, and pitch of voice changes for a tulpae. Yet, its their character that remains. I know them by how they feel to me. To me they seem more real to me then anyone who has ever been in my life. God called me to be an artist and writer yet people sometimes think I am crazy. Others think I am brilliant and should go into engineering or tech school. There for a while my father wanted me to become a computer tech. I have not yet been able to do arythmatic with hexdecimal, but thats only because I been practicing more with polynomials. I been trying to get back into writing everyday and especially trying to do sketching. All the while small fractures are occuring within my family. Very small at the moment, but they are there. My brother died and in the same year my grandmothers elderly age has dismanteld her ability to remember. Her self confidence has sufford with this which makes her excelent logic impractical. My parents have been there and there support has been very encouraging. Without them I know I would lose my sanity for sure. Its difficult to make everyone happy. It sure is a humbling situation where at one time I have been difficult to please. Like I have said... At one moment I know exactly who I am. Then the next moment it feels like I am only chasing shadows. My life becomes the epotome of vanitie of vanities. The only thing I know for sure is where to fix my own mistakes. Its by God's grace that I have at minimum this much to work with. I would be nothing short of crazy and insane without this simple yet affective thing. The realization of my own imperfect self. Side note I give up on spelling and grammer for my diary here. I think its better to use this for my own practice of editing. If I am studying English grammar I will come back and work on this. Right now this is a diary not a book to please anyone. Read as you wish, but its only my world of insanity. Might as well allow the grammar be what it is. |
| Back and doing Careful Considerations I had a lot of life changes. I moved to a new house. My Grandmother moved in with me for her last years. She is rather old, but if I can pull this off I will treasure these last years with her forever. Family comes by every so often to help with her medical stuff. Working out our pet peeve has been a very rewarding challenge. While the changes were difficult I managed. Making this possible really is what matters most. I have my man cave because that is what she shed. We share the upstairs for the most part. As a dragon covered in fur I am very much a book worm. Thankfully my grandmother is to. Sometimes her imagination gets on my nerves. Very interesting when the hair along my back is standing up and its everything I do to get it all to go flat along my flank again. I go to my cave when I need it. Things go sparky and synthetic sound is shockingly beautiful. I love my art room and kitchen down there as well. Had to give up my pastels in the shared kitchen and this little dragon as you may have noticed needs is pastel colors. Its all still a work in progress, but thankfully my grandmother finds the Living room library interesting. If I move too much stuff she gets sad. So, I generally mixed the two color pallets and themes just about right to make things work. Physical World Budget I did get a job and I am looking into purchasing a years subscription for this writing website. I have to look at the cost of my website on WIX and the cost of my therapist. "Really wish I could get one in person!" SIGH!!! Sick of having my family pay for my mental health. I love them so much though. Generally my plan is to try and look at the aspects of getting critique on my writing and work my way to getting an editor, literary agent, and book printing. Yea, I hate the idea of getting a publisher. I want good constructive criticism, but I really don't want a book contract divided with a publisher. Spoiler alert? I hope to create my own publishing business in due time. First things first is plans for the year 2022 Plans for now I want to try and write when ever I can. I have a few other places I write as well. I even got a sort of commission going for some one. I will be trying to contact him in the physical world to make this a sort of art gift. I won't be doing any further commissions unless its half art request. Meaning the art and custom stuff is a free addition to what ever item they have purchased. In the physical world I am trying to make my career in art and writing happen. Good news is I have a job at a grocery store in the physical world. My biggest goal is to try and set weekly meetings with my therapist to try and find reasonable therapeutic imaginative play times. Then a reasonable social interaction in the "Physical World." I know in my heart that I calm down with my pacifier and stuffed animals. Yet, there needs to be appropriate methods of doing this. I find my house to be a place with reasonable expectation to do this. Outside I might do one or the other, but not both. Ya know "Exclusive or".... HA! This dragon went digital!!! Oh wait thats what this network is all about isnt it? Digital connections! Back to seriousness in the wonderland. I think my art and writing is very important to these goals. Perhaps critical. I am also trying to keep my projects going. I am still working on the Cello and synth thing as well. My biggest problem to overcome is making realistic budgets for projects. Once the book is drafted further these bill of material sheets need to be within the affordability of the average Joe. Lab equipment list needs to start on a reasonable budget and then go up in price as the reader decides to become more committed to this craft. Private diary I am looking into writing in a private diary daily. I know what I write here may make people uncomfortable. I may be a small dragon covered in fur. I may even go sparky or become covered from head to tail tip with paints when I lose it in wonderland. However, physical world I do understand the more personal details need an appropriate place. My prayer life for one is rather personal already. I will start there. My tulpas personal lives need to be respected as well. I make my own bound diaries and note books. I really don't like the A-typical stuff you get at the store. My notes in math can be rather personal as well. I don't exclude anything from my lab notes. Still trying to get the hang of polynomial factoring. Not easy when you have no teacher to help ya with it. Sometimes you have to put the book down and take a deep breadth without releasing flames out the maw. |
| Explanations I been busy, so I have not the time to write. A big part of this is trying to move my sleep pattern into a time frame that would work best for my art, writing, and electronics DIY. I do hope to make all this my primary income. Like I said on my Blog on Fathomistic Fantasy I will pick up a survivor job if I need it. Right now I am trying to span out a time frame of how this will work. I will lose my current resources I been using. My parents cannot support me forever. It has been really a blessing from God that they have helped me thus far. Sometimes a child must be an adult and sometimes an adult needs to become a mere child. Terms That I Use All this brings me to a set of terms I use to try and keep a reliable method of staying in the imaginative state I use to write and or be like a mere child. Keep in mind all people in Christianity find their own way to be a mere child submissive unto God. My way just tends to be a tad bit more imaginative. In order to keep things straight without losing that spiritual mere child self I enjoy I use terms that don't shatter things. Feel free to use different terms in your comments. By no means do I expect anyone to use these terms. Primarily its to make this easier for me to write. The most important terms are those that differentiate life and the imaginative. I like to call life the "physical world" and for imaginative "wonderland." A lot of my terms fallow the Tulpamancy subculture. Mind you, I try to put God first and respect imagination for what it is and what it is not. While my wonderland is very special to me I do realize its a form of expression. It is life in a fantasy world. The next terms are very straight forward. Disclaimer There is a reason its "mere child," or "child like." For some this can seem a tad bit odd or cringe. If pacifiers and descriptions of child play offends you please don't read it. No one is expected to read this much less approve/accept any of this. Actually it mean the world to me if you accept this out of your decision instead of my expectation. In other words if you decide to accept this part of my life its solely your decision to do so. Real friends don't care what your cover looks like. Just like a good book its worthwhile.Paraphrase (Twilight Sparkle, Hasbro Studios, My little pony, Friendship is magic). If anyone is to be my friend the must first be individual from me. They must decide to be who they are special as they are without thinking I expect anything. Then they can be my friend and relax around me enough to tolerate me even though they may disagree with me on my lifestyle and my spiritual beliefs. Be the special you that only you can be. These people are my true friends. Tolerate and love. At least enough to find a compromise where appropriate and try to tolerate me where I can't change and I myself must look for ways around what I can't do. Hints.... My pacifier can be the only thing to escape my social fears and I can escape the fight-or-flight state of mind I sometimes get into. Yes, I have a therapist and a psychologist that helps with my medications. My comfort items are physical objects that help decrease the use of medications I would otherwise have to take. THANKYOU for understanding. Be the special you only you can be. That is all I ask. I call myself the Original Character (OC) and my imaginary beings tulpas. This just helps differentiate the two. Keep it mind this might read like a book or narrative its not necessarily going to be a book. While I may use ideas from this Blog I by no means will make my books exactly like my wonderland. My imaginative place is something special and unique to me. In some ways it can be very personal. This is generally a public diary. I write my more personal stuff in a hand bound book of blank paper. I love paper craft so much that I bound my own custom notebooks and sketch books. END notes I am still editing this. i would like to one more edit before I really call this official. Any recommendations or advice is welcome. Please do not get offended if I decide on something contrary to any advice given. I will give any advice some thinking and this challenge to think is very important to me. Even in friendship I ask my friends to challenge me to think on things I may need to change about myself. However, my Lord Adoni the God of Abraham, of Moses, and of Israel is my say so. His word via the Bible as a whole is my lifestyle. I do not take one scripture without careful consideration of other scriptures. The Mosaic law with The Church of Antioch. |
| After dealing with things and the busy hectic life there after Christmas I decided to come back. For the most part it was nothing severe. Mostly it was just a fear that I really did not know how politics would affect online writing. I am such a free spirited young dragon. I am one that is small, wingless, and covered with fur from head to toe. I suppose you could call me a babyfur if that helps explain it. Primarily I am just a playful young spirited thing. My desire is none other then to be faithful, to have a heart that is agope love, and to be teachable regaurdless of what culture thinks. I have a deep spiritual passion to be a child of God. The God of Moses, of Abraham, and of Isaac. Who elese? That is my father in heaven. A loving intity that comforts me in my time of need. Keep in mind Mathew 17 and 18. Also if considering 1 Corinthians 13 its the chapter in its entirety. There is so much meaning in verse 11. I find it sad how people will make it so cheap. Like little children they hold onto those bad habits that hold them back. They become faithless and dead to what it really means to be a child of God the most high. Sometimes you have to become a mere child in order to remove those shameful child like habits that hold you back. Sometimes in order to learn you have to have a playful youthful spirit. In life I do use attachment objects such as a plushy or an adult sized pacifier, but by no means do these things define me. I just prefer something that is clean instead of always having a pencil, tooth pick, or any other oral item in my mouth. My anxiety causes me to clamp my jaw sometimes to the point the oral object what ever it may be to the point of bleeding. Only when I taste blood do I realize my anxiety has consumed me. I snap out of it with the bitter taste of depression. Just because I may use things that are soft and comforting does not mean I make an idol out of child like objects. It simply means I prefer something soft instead of something that bruises me or causes my mouth to blead from squezzing so hard. My calling in art and writing is so vivid that its impossible for me to be mentally sane if I don't admit to God that this is my expression. My autism makes people run away and I suppose the "oger" feeling gets difficult. "They take one look at me and yell 'Ahhhh ogre,' they judge me even before they get to know me." I do have friends. I just have a very hard time understanding how to work with social cues. Perhaps the hardest part about autism is not being able to adequatly express myself vocally without being a pest. You get me in a room with some one who is an artist or an electronics geek and it works out rather well. Although keeping things comfortable for us both is not easy. Anxiety as well as the accedental monologue I get into has made social life difficult. Yet, when I simply become a mere child I can self regulate everything. It only takes a day of spending my time in this imaginitive world and I am ten times easier to be around then I would be otherwise. At least from my perception people seem a lot more relaxed around me when I had time being my Little Lily. He is after all a big part of my life and my life in art/writing. |
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