Oh What A Difference A Gene Makes

Several weeks ago, I set out on a mission; to define and answer the following question: What is the difference between men and women? Being a woman, I am naturally more familiar with what makes me, and my gender tick. However, having grown up in a house filled with mainly females, coupled with the absence of a father, I felt a little less educated about the man side of the question. I am married to a man, but I hesitated to lump his idiosyncrasies and behaviors into the generalization of all men. Thus, my quest seemed a daunting task. That is until I realized it was all very simple, because it was all very genetic. The underlying disparities are extraordinarily apparent when you attack the question from another angle: The genetic angle. Once you begin to understand how genes play a major role human behavior, you can begin to examine the differences.

Men

The Must Win Gene, present at birth, this gene takes shape immediately. For men, the innate need to compete underscores all actions performed by males. Every waking moment provides the man with yet a new opportunity to compete. Simple acts, such as driving along the interstate, throwing a crumpled piece of paper into the trashcan, or purchasing a grill for the backyard, somehow transform into intense competitions. Natural bodily functions such as burping or farting are conveniently turned into competitive matches. Men are in a constant state of readiness for the next play-off. A championship showdown can occur at a moment’s notice. A man MUST be ready to accept the challenge. Moreover, if no spectator is present to witness his battle, nor is there an opponent available, a man will simply create his own individual event where he strives to break his own ‘personal best’ record.

Men thank God in prayer for cable TV. Citing ESPN, ESPN2, Sports South, and HBO Boxing After Dark as channels of inspiration. These networks provide the man with countless opportunities to compete vicariously through his athletic heroes.


The Can’t Lose Gene is another behavior shaping gene in men. Closely related to The Must Win Gene, this gene is responsible for behaviors such as, refusal to ask for directions when lost, the reluctance to accept help from others, especially during the moving of heavy objects. A man would rather drive around in circles for over an hour than stop and ask for directions. Men believe admitting to being lost is a mark against their ability to successfully deal with a situation. I.e. read a road map. Being lost is something a ‘loser’ would do. Also, accepting help when moving furniture or lifting heavy objects signifies a less than perfect body: The body of a ‘loser’.

Men desperately try to avoid losing.

Women

The Must Decorate Gene, present at birth, this gene takes shape immediately. For women, the innate need to decorate shapes every thought, activity and verbal comment females will make. Women are obsessed with decorating. A woman will cover every wall with paint, every floor with a rug or tile, every room in her house with matching furniture. Even the coffee table is adorned with knick-knacks, as is the fireplace mantel, key-shelf by the front door and the tank on the back of the commode. Furthermore, the dinner table has a decorative centerpiece in the middle, and the very food set on the table is garnished in an eye-pleasing presentation. And she doesn’t stop there; her yard is landscaped with beautiful flowerbeds, shrubs and tailored box-hedges. (The Johnny Depp masterpiece "Edward Scissorhands" is not only a great form of entertainment, as most women know...but a study guide for our gender; to be viewed on a weekly basis if need be, learned from, and passed on to our daughters like Grandma's pearls). Moreover, her entire body is a canvas on which she can express her creative needs. Her hair, eyelids, lips, ears, fingers, fingernails, and toenails do not escape her desire to beautify. Once painted and jeweled, she then gets dressed. Each article of clothing is chosen carefully everyday, and sometimes twice a day.

Women thank God in prayer for the four seasons, which require them to re-decorate their house, yard and entire wardrobes once every three months. There is a misconception that the Must Shop Gene is the underlying gene for sculpting women’s behavior. However, this is simply not true. Shopping is just a means to an end…the decorating end.


The Do I look Fat? Gene is another gene altering a woman’s behavior. This gene lies dormant throughout early childhood and doesn’t make its existence known until teenagerhood. Then, it induces behaviors such as whininess, insecurity, and low self-esteem. The Do I Look Fat Gene is directly responsible for all fashion purchases made. It also has an effect on what a woman eats, but not consistently.


Women desperately try to look thin.

So the next time you wonder why a man buys a fast car and drives it around for an hour with no apparent destination, or a woman dyes her hair auburn with platinum streaks and buys a bizzare looking outfit, just remember, it's a genetic thing.