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our calendar is gonna be smokin' HOT! |
| [Introduction]
IF YOUR TURN IS BEING SKIPPED, NOT TO WORRY. I'M JUST TRYING TO GET TO PEOPLE THAT HAVE NOT YET MADE ANY ENTRIES Welcome to the .... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** thank you for the image objurgate! We're backwoods kinda people. Simple folks. So I hope you weren't expectin' state o' the art technology or nuthin' like that. Our firehouse is not much more than a two story shack with a modified stripper pole in the middle. The alarm sounds only sometimes, but we have a big brass bell mounted on a post out front that we can beat with a hammer if we really need to. We only have one fire truck right now, and it's not working very well since Virgil drove it part way into the lake. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** She's a real beauty, ain't she? We can't hook up to any fire hydrants, because we don't have proper fire hoses. So instead, we have a 1972 Chrysler station wagon that's been rigged with a big water tank on the back. Somebody has to turn the crank on the generator, and then we can get a little water pressure through our series of spliced-together garden hoses. That was Cletus's idea. Cletus and Virgil are the most experienced fire fighters we have around these parts. Sorry, but that's not saying much. They're not too handy around the firehouse, they can't cook to save their lives, and they can barely tie their own shoes... let alone handle a garden hose. What they lack in common sense they make up for in enthusiastic stupidity. Luckily, we've had some more volunteers step up. So, as the fire season gets under way down here in Texas, we'll be able to protect the community from burning to the ground. I'm the Fire Chief around here. So, if the whole damn neighborhood goes up in flames, somebody please wake me up. It's my ass in the end, so try not to screw up, okay? If I failed to invite you and you are reading this thinking, "My, what an ass that Zoo is! He forgot all about me!", quit yer crying and request an invitation. You're bound to be more useful than Cletus and Virgil are. Oh. And one more thing. Since this is volunteer work, nobody gets paid jack diddly squat. So how do ya' like them apples?  |
| Well. It's done. I finally put an ad in the paper, requesting some more volunteers. Folks around here been showin' some interest in the VFD, lately. Not sure why. We ain't got no fire fightin' equipment to speak of, everything we got seems to be broke, and the firehouse is falling apart. Maybe they got word that the County is fixin' to shut us down if we don't make some repairs and improvements. I sure hope we get some new blood in here soon. Cletus and Virgil are gittin' on my last nerve, and neither one of those morons could cook somethin' edible to save their lives. Besides, I want to put out another calendar this year to raise some funds, and I don't want to have to feature only Cletus and Virgil again. That was a butt-cleavage nightmare, let me tell you... I wonder who will walk in the door first? The little man from the County, telling us to close it down? A new recruit? The pizza guy? |
| *Waddles in carrying a large hose and wearing a make-shift fireman's hat* I hear y'all need volunteers! I'm told everything rolls off my back, so I figured a fire wouldn't do any harm...Besides, I have my very own special equipment and a little training in my own stomping ground. Ya interested? *belches* |
Hey, ducks! Nice feathers, boys  I hear y'all need some models for a calendar? I just got fired from the Hooters down the street, and let me tell you, I've put out some fires in my day! We had this one guy come in and eat hot wings for 3 hours then go to the restroom... let me tell you, that was a ruckus up there in the outhouse. Damn near became a missle silo! Good thing I had some scented Lysol in the car from that time Bitsy pissed on the seat... Anyways, how bout you boys tell me all about yourselves? Hmmmm? |
| *saunters in wearing full leather* "I heard yall are looking for volunteers. I only got my bike..." *spit* "But I brought my ladder." *holds up a 3 step ladder* "Just don't tell my girlfriend, she gets mad when I borrow her stuff." *spit* "So, yall got anything good to drink 'round here?" *walks into the FD looking Love is a Mommy (no foolin)  up and down with a whistle* |
| *fights with the heavy front door for a moment, heels clacking on the pavement* Ummm... hello? Oh! *blush* *looks at Jax, Duck, and Love, nervously* *clears throat* I'm here about the volunteer fire department advertisment in the paper? I can answer phones! And... stuff... *smiles really big* |
*walks in scratching ass and chewing on a straw of hay* "Uh huh...looks like I'm in the right place. Howdy, ya'll!" *scratches ass again* "Let's shake hands.."  |
| *bursts through the door draggin’ Cletus by his collar and tosses him down to the floor at Zoo’s feet* “I found this here dirty bastard out back with his britches down’round his ankles! He said he was workin’ on the truck.” “Now I ain’t all smarts n’stuff but I knows he don’t got no permit or license. Besides….he ain’t all that good with equipment n’such.” *glances over to the new recruits and nods* “Howdy, glad to see ya’ll takin’a’likin to this here fire house. I’m Marv, the chief’s wife and this here’s Cletus. Best keep an eye on him, the dirty bastard!” |
| *strolls in wearing her custom-made pink Firefighter's suspenders with matching boots* Howdy y'all! Where are the sexy firefighters? Male or female. Doesn't matter. I've got no preference. I brought beer! Who wants a cold one? Hey Salvo, fire up the grill, I brought my favorites, possum and squirrel! This here's good eatin! Hello ladies! *flashes her most charming smile* I looks forward to us working together. *slaps Hai, Love, and Lady on their asses* I'd like to volunteer for the calender. I do have some modeling experience. You can find some of my pictures online. It's hard to make some of them out because they're all in night vision. But trust me, it's all Mia. |
| *Walks in fanning his face with an old cowboy hat* “WOOOO WEEE! I wus walking along an’ got star struck I tells ya. As I pokes me nose through the door.” “I neva seen so many pretties in one place b’fer… well except at me Mom’s sevinth wedding to pappy Wilbert. I kinda miss him now. Dows were good times that night at the reception I had… with a little hubba hubba… If ya knows what I means” “So what we all gonna do ta have a little fun ‘round here?” “Looks likes we’re needin sum good grub an’ a little ho down music. Perfect place in da ol’ firehouse” “anywho, I make a mean pickled pork snout ‘cause ya’ll must be starving with those cutsie little figures yous supportin.” “Now ya pretties jus’ wait right here while I go down ta Elaine’s Market and wrastle a couple rats for some pickins. I’ll git Junior on the way back to kick up sum tunes” |
| Screeeeeeeech! *SLAM!* Jumps outta the truck in nothin' but a loaded tool belt (swingin' a super soaker), whips out a hammer and whacks the bell. *DING-DA-DING-DING-DING-DING!* 'Woo-hoo, I just quit my fuckin' job ya'll! How do ya like them hooters?' *Shakes tits and screams in delight* 'I heard ya need some help and I couldn't get here fast enough--hit a slow tree on my way' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** *Laughs hysterically and squirts Cletus in the balls* (which causes visible reduction) 'Heh-heh, yeah mutt-nuts...that's one fire down!' |
*walks in wearing fireman suspenders (the yellow kind), short jean shorts (think Daisy Duke), black bra, and a fireman hat* "Howdy y'all! *looks around* Well, now, ain't we one on'ry lookin' bunch of rednecks...but damn, y'all look better now than y'all ever did on that ol' calender!" "I'm here, ready, and willin' to learn how to drive that piece of cow shit that y'all call a fire truck parked out front...yeah, Cletus, you getta teach me how to drive that thang, I don't care if yore a little wet or not. Probably served you right. I'm a crazy woman on the road, and in other things too...*winks*...but I'm can guar-ran-tee you that I can get to any emergencee faster than Virgil with his back hair on fire. I'm lookin' forward to workin' with all a y'all, *winks at Jax and smiles at Mia* and Yobear, you've got a sweet ride, my friend..." *hands over some burnt chocolate chip cookies* "I made these fer everybody, but I cain't cook real good, so I hope they're okay. I tried to bake 'em in the new mike-ro-wave that we got, but that didn't turn out real good and they kind of burnt a little bit..." "Dang-blast it, I thought this here was supposed to be a real fire station, but if we don't go put out a fire soon, we're liable to get bored and result to shirtless mud wrestlin' or something else I could kick y'all's asses at!" "Lucky fer y'all, I noticed that Ol' Man Jones' hay field is goin up in flames over yonder... Now what'chall gonna do about it???" |
| "Where'd that blasted mutt go?" *Runs down the street wearing pajamas and slippers, dragging a leash*. "Where's that crazy dog?" *Pounds down fire house door,(Crash), and glances around the room*. "Ya'll see a stinky, stupid, black dog 'round here? He looks like one of them fire truck dogs, and he smells like that 'un over yonder. *Points at Cletus*. "Well, actually, he's a got a one lil' white spot. My crazy ol' sister, Athena26, ripped a chunk a fur out with a vacumn. The spot's about as big as that 'un's brain." *Points at Zoo*. "Now tha poor things goin' bald!" *Walks over to broken screen door. Pulls out lost poster with drawing of dog, and pins it on the sceen.* "Thanks fer all ye help folks! It means the world to me... Who are ye anyways?" *Glances at red wagon. Her face lights up.* "O ya, ya'll are them volunteer fire station folds. Can I join? Then we can look for my dog, Spot!" *Runs around and hugs everyone.* "This is gonna be so cool. I'm so excited!" *Stops and sniffs air*. "Ya'll smell something burning?" |
| {/i}{/b}"What in the name of Sam Hell is wrong with you people? Don't'cha see that there's a fire over yonder!?" *runs at breakneck speed to the freezer where the venison sausages are stored* "It's time for a 4th of July cookout, but first we gots to contain that there brush fire! Anyone other than me know how to handle a big hose? I know Jaxxy doesn't like hoses, but she should be able to support the girls while I wrassle that pulsating, pressure filled hose thangy." |
| "Step on back Love...you need more than a tropical storm to put that blaze out... so y'all do I what I do...'Get the marshmellows, get the dawgs, the country gravy.we's going have a campfire..." This was yelled by an overall clad mooing man named "The Milkman" and walking up besides him was his prized cow, Bessie. "Don't any of you think about steaks tonight!~" |
| *pushes Love out of the way* Now hold on, little lady. What do you mean by that hose comment? You implying something? *raised eyebrow* Why don't you just stay here and cook us some of that sausage. Wouldn't want you breaking a nail or something. *grabs the hose, granted, with a disgusted look on her face and runs off toward the fire.* Come on men. This'll be fun. What the.... *the end of the hose follws her as she runs* Well now. Ain't that useful. Alright, forget this, let's get drunk. |
| Woooohoooo! *brings out her secret stash of moonshine and mulberry wine* I like where Jax is taking this.. *hands out glasses and winks at Jax* Now, my grandaddy made this here moonshine, so y'all had better enjoy it.. *pours just a little for all* Hey, I didn't know y'all had a puppy! *looks at the food and water dish by the door* Oh, now wait... it says... "Cletus" Ohhh.... *pours some for Cletus too* |
| Howdy folks! Hower ya'll doing? As I was telling the chief when I got this here invite to join ya, we gotta get some sorta gee-hawing done. Ya knose, one of them there fancy meeting thangs where this un will say that and this un sez somethin or another else. An Election, if ya will! Just soes we all is on the same page when one of them there criseses hits the fan. I reckon we all knows who's the chief and straw boss of this here outfit, but we orta know who's to do what from there.... We don't want all us a running fer the hoses wit nobody but Cletus or Virg to drive the dam truck. Member what happened last time Cletus drove? The chief's wife near bouts got waxed, and come time for photos on the calendar, we couldn't get a good shot for her a fliching erry time Cletus walked around. Course, there's some say that's from the smell, but I belive it's a nervous twitch from coming so close to the pearly gates! Like iffin we get a fir call, who's gonna answer the phone, who's driving, who's toting water, taking photos, cookin and such? After all, we are a proper bidness, with proper bidness equipment, such as fir trucks, hoses, buckets and whatnot! I can sure nuff tell they's talent a plenty in this group! Never seen such a group fer being gung-ho to toting hoses and holding racks before! We may jest wind up the best lil VFD in Texas! Chief, I think ya outta writ a song up fer the girls to dance to. They's just a ton of money to be made in dancin girls! With the money you made offa the dancin girls and the fire hot calendar, you could upgrade this place to top o the line stuff. While sticking a hose in a tank of water and sucking hard enuf to pull a basketball thru a 50ft garden hose works....I hear there's an easier way! Besides, Cletus can't suck as well as he used to and we need him to save his suction for when the truck runs outta gas! Remember the rule. When the truck starts a sputterin and making out like it is fixin to run out...Pull up quick to a parking lot, so's Cletus can fill us up! Just a few foods fer thought... Let me know when and if's they's a meeting. Until then, I'll be on the phone schoolin Myrtle bout the birds and bees. Silly girl thought cuz her daughter-in-law is a having twins...that meant she was cheatin on Bubba! |
| An expensive car with a flat limps to a stop in front of the fire-station and Quin swears (softly) and gets out of the car. "Daddy told me not to take the Rolls this morning! You'd think there'd be a gas station somewher...what's this? A volunteer fire department? What a quaint old building! I should have brought my swatches." Knocks on fire department door and it immediately falls off hinges. She walks in, tripping over sleeping cow by the door. "Moooooo" "Owf! I thought cows slept standing up. Parden me," clears throat and hears distant voices, "yoo-hoo where is everybody?" She tip-toes to the fire pole looking up through the hole and leans back to yell up it.. "I say! Can anyone fix a flat?" The fire department personell rush in from the back and she looks them over, holding a handkerchief to her nose. |
| “Look, I’m from out of town, the big city of Houston, but I had a little community service to perform (police officers are awfully thin-skinned these days), so my old friend Marv suggested I might as well make it worth my while by checking out the hot guys in the Salvo VFD. But all I see around here is a bunch of beer bellies and butt cracks.” *fregin sniffs the air and cringes* “Marv also whined that she needed my help, but once I got to this pitiful outfit, she turned her back to me, bent over a bit at the waist and demanded that I slap her ass. She said it had something to do with initiation. Whatever, I’m not touching that filthy country bumpkin. I don’t care if we are old friends and she is the big boss’s wife.” *fregin jumps to the side when Marv flicks the butt of her cigarette at her. With a resigned shake of his head, Zoo steps in the middle to prevent a cat fight* “Then, Cletus said he was ready for me to get started. He asked me if I wanted a hose, this said with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, that pig{/}. After I carefully walked through the body shop on the lawn and turned my hose on to test it, I found that it had little punctures, just the size a damn inbred kitten might make, so water shot all over my $300 shoes.” fregin has mascara streaking down her face as she contemplates ways to get even with the rednecks “Maybe I can find some hot, rich, single guy around these parts and set fire to his house. That’s the only way to salvage this day…” |
| Well- I never expected such a big response! I thought most of the county was asleep and didn't give a damn about this here Fire Station. I reckon we need to git a bit more organized now that we have a full staff of, uhhmmm, fire fighters (that remains to be seen)... Somebody mentioned an election, or a duty roster, or somethin' like that... huh? *is interrupted by his cell phone ringing* "SALVO VFD, could I he'p ya'? .... yes ma'am... address please? Don't worry. Calm down.... one of us'll be right there. " *hangs up the phone* Anyone got a ladder? Mizz H. got tricked up into a tree by her cat, and now she can't git down. |
| *Spits in a can just to hear the clang* I gots one on m' truuuck...and Jax o'er der is totin' a step kind. Wha' kinda cat do dat woman have!? Mus' be a mean lil bastard. Ya know...I thought we be some dysfunctional types, but y'all put em to shame... *heads out the door to take care of Mizz H.* I'm fixin to take care of dat cat problem... *Gets into his Ford F350 4x4 with mud tires and heads to the scene* ~5 minutes later at Mizz H.'s house~ Mizz H. I be with the VFD, you screamed? *Mizz H. goes on and on about how her cat got into cleaning supplies and thought her apron was his enemy and chased her all over the property before she made it into the tree.* Where da laoded kitty be at know, Mizz H? "Riiiigghhhttt behind ya's..." *Before he could turn around, he felt kitty claws and teeth in his ass* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! You lil sumbitch! I'll roast yer ass for VFD dinner! (Note: That be one big fat friggin cat, now. Be careful, y'all.) |
| *Virgil grabs 'fat cat' by the back of the neck and quickly returns em to his owner* (Virgil) "Welp, there ya is ma'am! I s'gess y'git that INsane, dope-sniffin fur-ball caged b'fer it kills someone...and there aint gonna be no killin' goin' on t'day cuz we gots moonshine back yonder...if cletus n'em aint drunk it all up by now...em wortless coons!" *Tips his hat, hops in the truck with Sir Duck, and they're off* ***Meanwhile, back at Salvo VFD*** (Yobear) "Me n'Love got the vittles rounded up, ya'll! We got sausage, squirrel, venison and possom--so lets git! Ballyburp can jess meet us there. Mr. Jones' field is just about ready." *Lights a cigarette and chucks the match into Cletus' bowl* **POOF!** (Cletus' head is on fire) "Holy shit! Sorry 'bout that, Cletus-- I forgot you was a S-L-O-W drinker! |
| Welp, I always heard y'alls firem'n types liked to set a good pyrotechnic show, but damn, why'd you have to set 'is 'ead on far! We're gonna need ta form an arson unit if y'all ain't bein more careful! Now drink some sweettea. Oh, any of y'all intelligent rednecks remember to get Mizz H out of the tree? She was the one stuck up there, not the cat! *shakes head and goes to make some more sausage gravy* |
| *whistles at the food as she stumbles in from the bathroom* Just like I like a woman...in the kitchen. *stumbles a bit* Hey, youse guys got any more of that um, moonshine? Did I miss all the excitement? Well, oh well, there'll be others. Oh, hope yall don't mind, but I invited a few of my "friends" over. We shouldn't be *too* rowdy. *the sound of multiple "hogs" are heard in the distance* You guys like leather? |
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