That Fateful Night

Not that long ago, I was a happy and optimistic person. I loved life
and was a very caring soul. My friends turned to me for advice and to
be cheered up; I had fun, and I even enjoyed my job as an exotic
dancer. But that all changed on the morning of February 18, 2005.

I woke up at 9:30am that morning, naked and alone in a hotel room,
with the door left wide open. I sat up, hungover and confused; then it
all came back to me in one excruciating flash of memories. I got off
work at 2:30am that morning, not realizing just how drastically my
life was about to change. How can you live with yourselves? Do either
of you ever look into a mirror and feel bad because you raped someone?
Do you ever wonder how I feel? Let me tell you.

I wake up every morning, shaking because I have just relived every
detail of that horrible night in my dreams, every moment of it. As I
prepare for the day, I find myself in fear that I will run into one of
you at some point in the day. Every day I wish that I could make it
all go away, that I could somehow turn back the hands of time. The two
of you violated me in every way possible, then left me there as if you
had done no wrong. You had your way with me, not thinking of the
consequences that I would have to live with. I am a far different
woman now, thanks to you.

I can't look at a man without questioning his motives and scrutinizing
his every move. Little things set me off; I have panic attacks and
flashbacks constantly. My work has suffered. I have come close to
attacking customers because of flashbacks. More often than not, I wish
I was dead, so that I wouldn't have to feel this way. Since that
night, coffee has kept me awake and dream free more times than I can
count. Every time I close my eyes, I see your faces, and it eats away
at my soul. I cry myself to sleep every night because of you. I've
become an empty vessel, hating the fact that you just might walk free
despite doing all this to another person.

With every move that you made that night, I felt myself slipping away.
With each tear that I shed, another piece of me dies, goes numb. My
heart has turned to ice, and I have lost friends because of it. I no
longer trust anyone, I no longer care. Because of you, I hate myself
and what I have become. Imagine someone sucking the soul right out of
your body. Imagine feeling like someone has violated you in the worst
possible way. Imagine having someone steal all of your happiness, all
of your good feelings, and imagine them leaving you with nothing but
pain, anger and a black heart. Imagine that every time someone touches
you, you feel like screaming, that you jump at the slightest sound,
the smallest movement, that you can't sit in a restaurant without your
back to the wall. Imagine being scared to be alone at any time.
Imagine not being able to do your job any longer. Imagine feeling as
though someone is stealing a small piece of you every day, and feeling
so hurt and so enraged that it consumes every fiber of your being. If
you imagine all this with your entire heart and soul, you still will
only know a tenth of what I feel.

I hope that any girl unfortunate enough to know you can no longer look
you in the eyes. I hope that you are alone for the rest of your lives
so this never happens to anyone again. I hope from the bottom of my
heart that you hate yourselves and each other for what you did to me
that night. For all this, for what it's worth, I know that I hate you.