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"...it will help me to think of a story,” said Toad. |
| It is no longer the middle of 2015 and life does not acquiesce to relent in normal, helpful ways. Any place where stories and writing used to happen too often wax and wane. Hopefully, it is a time for growing...for everything. |
| Dive Into the sea Take the nearest bolder Down with me Weighted Unnaturally Letting go Floating up And feeling free Released From this self-inflicted swirl into Abyss And surface To my first My last the darkest kind of kiss |
| Of all the afterlife things to fear, reliving every Careless Whisper (cuz imma 80’s kid) is high on the list. Apparently, whether you go to heaven or hell, that’s what’s in store – life passing not just before your very eyes but also paraded before an audience comprised of a judge and possibly a jury of all heavenly beings and everyone else that ever existed while you cringe before them in abject misery. “Every man’s work shall be manifest; for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of what sort it is.” I Corinthians 3:13* And just when you’d have thought all that combustion was reserved for hell - and any very regrettable first drafts, a somewhat special and formerly disposable kind of hell (because the internet is forever?)! Maybe this is why there’s so many passive aggressives or just flat-out hermits (who are also largely unpublished). Who knows? While there’s no opt out (of dying, at least), that threat seems enough to send most scurrying behind Christ for cover. Or so you’d think. Ah, but that’s where He keeps Satan… “And Jesus answered and said to him, “Get behind Me, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the LORD your God, and Him only you shall serve.’” Luke 4:8 - and others? “Jesus turned and said to Peter, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.’” Matthew 16:23 and Mark 8:33 Definitely not passive or aggressive. 100% direct and assertive and yet another example of yet another thing Jesus does perfectly that that we do not. _________ *As noted in “Work” by Studs Terkel which is referenced as a source in: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/202008/4-signs-boss-h... |
| Things get lost. While browsing Thriftbooks (for a book in the exponentially different genre of engineering), I came across The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, a book I had presented to the kids years ago as recommended by one of my favorite sources for new and unusual books. I think it was Chinaberry books; it’s hard to recall. Remembering where the book may have gotten to would be even harder still. I do miss pouring over the catalog for new voices and points of view to share with them. It was a special privilege that I didn’t take lightly. And I find myself subconsciously doing it still. Things get forgotten. I was reminded suddenly of young Emily’s ferocious consternation at the liberal sprinkling of “the F word” throughout. Emily is our oldest and always had a strong sense of – well, just about everything. She took it upon herself to “edit” the book by typing up a page of replacements on the computer that she sized and resized until it matched the correct font style and size and then painstakingly cut out and glued each over every occurrence of the offending expletives that went beyond words that start with F. It’s more than a bit ironic that, contrary to the usual voids left by editing and censoring, these additions thickened that book to where it never could close properly again. It was just a slender little work and was probably the reason why she bothered at all. She might have ceremoniously burned anything larger. The labor she invested was not just for her own sense of propriety but also to preserve the story that she, too, wanted to share with her younger siblings, who now drop “the F word” with alarming regularity. Are they equally thoughtful enough to edit themselves around their nephew by her? But then would they then be less themselves or more than themselves? Things get renamed. If one must speak more than one language or has more than one persona, as the Japanese honne and tatemae, are they diminished or expanded? Are they “passing” or are they adapting? Remember Ma admonishing Laura to keep her bonnet on and face shaded so she didn’t get tanned and mistook for “an Injun”? The reverse was clearly the preference back then and all the way up to my great grandma’s day. “And the sign said, ‘Long-haired freaky people need not apply’. So, I tucked my hair up under my hat and”, to be fair, had no intention of applying. “Code switch” or curiosity? He just went in to ask him why. Can we be curious or considerate without affront? Can we adopt with appreciation and wonder without accusations of appropriation? So, if we lose, forget and even rename ourselves in the quest to belong is it a gain or a loss? Is it a fair trade? Cost of admittance to the sisterhood or a brotherhood are often the very defining qualities of that individual. |
| From the end of "Begin Again" by Truong Tran - "...today im writing. its usually to someone. im writing something. i want to hear it read out loud. i want to see it on a page, in a book. i want to see you inside these words. where are you. i am thirsty. how are you." |
| "Your blog, "2015.5" , was last updated 1,316 Days 5 Hours 29 Minutes ago" If I typed all the thinks since then I would need to buy more space. The internet might break if I could ever dump all of my thinks into it at the end or even the beginning of every day. I do love being able to find the entry of the day when I was let go from my accounting job on the day after I again encountered one of the partners there even some 5 jobs, 2 houses and a new name later or being able to see and remember again the one I wrote for my murdered friend after just holding the 2 dishes I inherited from her and not being to put food on them as it felt like some trespass on what they have come to mean to me. I think I need to display them in my kitchen on their own special shelf/shelves or on one of those plate brackets and not just keep them in the cupboard with the rest, the ones we put food on. Maybe apply some verse in vinyl that makes it work. Yeah. |
| The words to describe how it feels to write again do not exist in language. That waking feeling of land changing season - something new that is old that was known and gone unknown. Phoenix muse! You rise again, and just in time before your ashes were all blown away. |
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