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Sharing thoughts and experiences because no one should feel alone in their darkest hours. |
| There is no question that this world provides times when even a hug will shatter you. You need to be alone, but are afraid to be alone. Those are some of the feelings I write about in this journal. |
| Dear Leon, Wow, it’s been about two years since I’ve written here. Just know that it’s not for lack of thinking of you. Every day. I think sometimes it just got too hard you know me and my avoidance behavior. Let me see if I can catch you up over the last two years. First, it seems today is 911. Do you remember during the actual event we were driving home from California and were in upstate New York when chaos struck. We were hearing bits and pieces on the news on the radio and when we stopped at a convenience store they had the TV on it seems so unreal. I just wanted to get home and then it was days seems so quiet no airplane noise, and when they were allowed to fly again, we were walking out of Williston Walmart in the parking lot when an airplane went overhead and everybody just stopped and looked up. It’s incredible what Events like that can do to society Toby and Jenna moved back to California about a year and a half ago. He is working as an electrical project manager out there. He got training on the job and get a ridiculously high salary. And yet they have not saved any money I have have a very expensive lifestyle I think. They say they’re coming back, but unless he can save some money, I’m not sure he will be happy with the wages on the East Coast. We miss him a lot and hope he at least moves closer. Tori and Jim have their house up Kathy, Geoff and I and Max went down in February to visit them. It’s a long drive about 15 hours not counting break time. Their house is beautiful on Douglas Lake, which is overlooked by the smoky mountains. It’s a gorgeous view. The quaint little town of Dandridge is quite nice. The people are friendly. The shops are cute. But I can’t picture us moving to Tennessee anytime soon. You’d be a palled to hear that Tennessee passed the law that if you’re homeless, you get put in prison. Ugh! Derek stayed in California. He’s working as an EMT and sharing a house with friends he wasn’t able to come home in February so I haven’t seen him for a while but he seems to be doing well. Christopher is doing well. Still lives at home and is working at food. City stocking shelves. He has a girlfriend and she seems pretty nice. Megan’s doing well still the spoiled youngest and still quite the cutie. She graduated this past spring and we weren’t able to come out because Geoff was sick more about that later. She has a boyfriend that Max just doesn’t like. It makes me nervous but I imagine being a first boyfriend it’ll be a pretty short lived. Well I’m dog sitting for ten days and it’s a little hectic with three dogs so I’ll get back to this during a quieter time! I love you. You’re always in my heart. Meet me in my dreams. |
| Hello my love, Another day has passed. I started putting the spare room back together so I can use the space again. I managed to drag the bifold closet door up from the basement and get them on and working. It took some effort and enough foul language that Max came in to check on me. I took the first garden down and added the compost so that one is ready for winter. I worked on removing the ground cover that took over the rock garden and transplanted some brown eyed Susan’s there that had over run the walkway out front. I really don’t like the fall work - it makes me so aware of the fact that winters coming. The Farmer’s Almanac reported that we should expect an unusually cold winter with a lot of snow. Oh joy. Still my least favorite season, but having to take Max out last winter prepared me a little at least. And of course I have my Yooper Chook. I love you. When Geoff got home we got the frame, springs and mattress up from the basement and put together. Thankfully your son has brute strength! We went on a long walk with Bonnie, took the dogs to the end of the road then back through the field off leash. They wore each other out. So Tori and her family moved to Tennessee, just outside of Memphis on a lake. They are waiting to have a house built, and so far that’s not going well, they haven’t even broken ground yet! It’s too bad she has to deal with that while recovering from COVID. She is better now, although still gets tired easily. The others are better. Tori had it the worse, she was in ICU for several weeks. I guess it’s the price they paired for not getting their shots…. Geoff’s neurologist is changing his seizure medicine as they believe he is having many of those seizures you don’t really see. They think that’s why he seems like he doesn’t know how to do things he has done for years. They raised the new med dosage a few weeks ago and I think it is helping. It’s hard to really tell because they are reducing the seizure med that also helped with behavior so he’s bipolaring some too. Well, that’s all for tonight. I’m really tired, maybe I’ll actually sleep. Meet me in my dreams. You are in my heart forever. No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are, how you treat people ultimately tells all. INTEGRITY is EVERYTHING! |
| Dear Leon, It’s been nearly eight months and I still miss you so terribly. I thought that writing to you might help me move forward and writing can never be a wrong choice. I love you. Every day there are things that happen or things I hear and my first thought is ‘I need to tell Leon’. That always makes me so sad, so now I will tell you. Geoff and I are okay. A bit lost, but we will get through because we have to. Toby and Jenna moved in with us in March. It was nice to have them around, but it just delayed the grieving process longer. And the house is really too small for two families. Their dog Cayia and Max became fast friends. They moved into their own apartment in Plattsburgh about three weeks ago. It was strange at first but it is nice to have our space and some privacy back. I think Geoff is better too, you know how he is about his space. It’s already September! Most of the last eight months have been a blur. I’ve been focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other but know I have to make some plan for moving on. I sold your car and paid off the heat pumps. They have been great, we’ve had a really hot summer. Some other things I will catch you up on in future posts: Tori, Jim, Kris and Megan moved to Tennessee. They all got COVID but are okay now. Ron across the street’s wife passed away a few months ago. Max is growing into a really good dog - you’d barely recognize him, he is huge and pretty well behaved! We did the New York State fair trip that you and I had planned. Max did well as Geoff’s service dog. But your absence was always present. I did retire at the end of June. Geoff really requires the full time care as you know. We walk Max almost daily, and quite often with Phil and Bonnie and their puppy Ollie. COVID had let up in the spring, but a variant is on the rise. Most restrictions have been lifted but Geoff and I were our masks when inside in public even though we have had our shots. We had to postpone your celebration of life when Tori and crew got sick. I am not sure how we will handle it now, but I finished a tribute to you. That was the most difficult thing I have done to date, but it allowed Geoff and I to grieve a bit on our terms. This was the second time he has actually cried - hard to believe with his disability - and it has been good to have some conversation and let him express his devastating loss. The first time caught me off guard. He had come home from one of his day outings and said he had seen and talked with his former aide that was in the terrible accident when we wondered if he would make it. He said ‘he’s alive’. Then he started naming other men that work with him and saying he’s alive or he’s not dead. Then he said why is dad dead? It was hard. He cried a lot. We talked about how much we miss you and it doesn’t feel fair and it’s okay to be sad and it’s important to talk about these feelings. As you can imagine he is having a very difficult time dealing with this loss. Mostly it comes out with behavior, but Max has been a real positive for him. We watched your tribute together and went through about a half box of Kleenex. We did have some good memories. It’s just so very hard. You are the love of my life. The very hardest part is not being able to hear your voice. I didn’t know your time was so near. It just doesn’t seem fair. I miss you more than words can express. You’re in my heart forever. Meet me in my dreams. I love you. No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are, how you treat people ultimately tells all. INTEGRITY is EVERYTHING! |
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