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A modest journal. |
| My life's ups and downs... |
| I think I will hold my peace. Exodus 14:14 says, The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. (KJV) The LORD will fight for you while you [only need to] keep silent and remain calm. (Amplified Bible) Today, I needed encouragement; and thank God, I found it! God hates complaining. When we try to avenge ourselves---take matters into our own hands---it often backfires... or at least for me, it does. |
| Happy Memorial Day! I trust you are spending it with family and/or friends. I plan to attend a church picnic, which begins at 12:20 p.m. Later this evening, I will attend an Al-Anon Speaker Meeting where a lady I know fairly well will be the featured speaker. I spoke with my mother yesterday. I am resolved to call my parents once a week to say hello, touch base----Lord willing. They're aging and could well-use a kind word regularly----though I also have 4 sisters. What I once considered gossip, I now know is just my mother airing her thoughts and worries about my siblings and/or my father to any listening ear. I purpose to let those words flow without response while keeping my personal affairs private... thus keeping myself "out of the limelight." There is a strain of jealousy and competition that meanders among my siblings; thus, my mother's "sharings" often precipitate, stir-up unkindness and invalid judgments----my reason for keeping my parents at arms length for the most part. Today, I move beyond that. It's a good day! |
| May God forgive me as I continue struggling with "mild" depression---discontented, lonely, disconnected, lack of motivation. |
| Today, I struggle to find importance in the meaning of my life --- wondering, Why am I still here? My contribution seems inadequately small, insignificant. I was unsuccessfully married to three different men. The first of whom battled alcoholism and depression his entire life, finally committing suicide by shooting himself in the heart. Rarely, do I see my only daughter, son-in-law and my two grandsons. My finances are overwhelmingly small, barely adequate. I am able to make ends meet, but there is nothing left for "real" savings or even a "normal" vacation. Disappointment and discontent plague me. I wonder, Is this all there is? |
| Today, I'm feeling pretty good. Trying to keep in mind what is important, letting go of all distractions. |
| While growing up, we were often reminded "Children are to be seen and not heard." With this repetitive teaching, we learned not to assert ourselves because our "voice" about any given situation did not matter. At least part of the reason that though I'm a grandma, I still find it difficult to assert myself. More often than not, I stuff my feelings until I blow --- at which point I speak angrily and very direct. I had a situation this weekend where a friend and roommate at an event consistently took advantage of me---she always takes first pick of the beds, etc. The proverbially "straw that broke the camels back" was when: At the end of the weekend, we began packing our things into a vehicle (owned by and driven by another friend). She started putting her stuff in, and I, likewise, began putting my things into the other side of the trunk (in the front since she reminded me that I would be the first one dropped off). She then started repeatedly telling me to move my things to the exact same place on the other side of the trunk. I continued, repeatedly responding, "Why? What is the difference." Finally exasperated, I violently threw my bags on the ground and said, "I am sick of this. You have been bossy all weekend!" My future recourse: Driving my own car and not sharing a room... with anyone. I wish there was a book I could read with alternative written responses to any given situation when someone is consistently running roughshod over me. I took "Assertiveness Training" when I was young, which has helped some. But I seem to attract people who like to treat me like dirt. ------------------- I've been thinking about this and I believe I could have saved myself a lot of grief by just saying "No." God help me to overcome. |
| I don't like so-called "friends" when strife, contention, criticism and one-upmanship are more commonplace than actual friendliness and fun. Now, to bow out gracefully... |
Last night I mentioned my financial struggles and a friend suggested her place of employment is hiring. They are patient advocates. Though it sounds interesting and rewarding, I wonder... My boss and his family are Christians---even his son who recently joined the practice... though he is young, serves God with all of his heart. You don't get that in normal, every day work places----in fact, usually quite the opposite. I feel blessed to be working here even though my bank account is empty and my cupboards are quite bare. Also, I am pursuing sewing work, editing and writing work. If I get another job, I may not have the time to develop my own business pursuits, which I may very well need as I draw closer to retirement. May God lead and guide me into what He would have me do. I want to be in His "perfect" will----not his "permissive" will. |
| It's been a short week. Thursday is here already. I awoke early today; so, I got to enjoy some "me" time without having to rush. I reduced the coverage on my automobile insurance policy and wham---I get hit with the biggest bill to date---$316. Their mantra----it's two months rolled into one. Today I will be looking for alternative coverage. They tell me they value my business... Ha! ...and that if I leave and come back I will no longer have "accident forgiveness." Well, at least maybe I will have more in my pocketbook from month-to-month. Otherwise, I'm considering ditching the car and the insurance or alternatively living out of my car as I am paying almost as much in car payments and insurance as I pay in rent. Happy Thursday! |
| It's raining... Apparently there is a storm hovering out in the Gulf of Mexico. Leaving for work, I pondered wouldn't it be nice to stay home today? My boss called the office; he won't be in. Apparently, his son may not make it in either---his wife totaled her car on the way to work. Thank God she is okay and no one else was injured or involved. Her car hit some water, spiraling out of control. Still... I am enjoying some time on my own---even if I did have to traverse a rainstorm to get here. |
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