There is beauty in all things!
My Outlook on everyday things.
They say that the eyes are the door to your soul.
They can tell others if your happy, joyful, sad, angry, tired,
even lie or tell the truth, shall I go on or do you get the picture?
|I have my test results back and it was not what I was expecting at all. This test was my food allergies test to see what I'm allergic to. The results told me that I now have to revamp my diet, The Whole Diet! Wouldn't you know it, it's most of my favorite foods.
I cried the first two days after I received the message from my doctor on Friday evening, she wanted to see me asap. I had enough time to set an appointment for Monday morning. I sit in my living room starring at the test results trying to understand them. But, I got a pretty good idea what it meant. Every time I thought about it I would burst out in tears. I tried calling friends to talk, but that became useless and what was I really going to say. I had no idea what the doctor was going to say. So, I held it in until I saw the doctor. As soon as I realized that early Sunday night, I had a feeling of comfort washing over me. Thank you, Lord God!
As I sat in the office waiting for the doctor to join me. I started to get a little nervous and the wait was getting nerve-racking. As she walked in she asked, how I was doing, and my reply was "You tell me!" My doctor and I have a great rapport with each other and joke around most of the time. But, she knew I was nervous and upset, all kidding aside today.
We discussed what the goal was for my future and food. We both agreed that I needed to detox myself and start a elimination diet. Then she'll run the blood test again to see if it eliminates a few that might be incorrect positives, due to inflammation. And then I can reintroduce the foods that I love back into my diet one at a time to see if I have a reaction to them.
I was to get with my nutritionist today and done so to choose the best way to do it, since I'm diabetic as well. All these new diets are exhausting me and challenging me to find other avenues to sustain my body. My nutritionist wants me to be careful with introducing them back in my diet, due to them causing anaphylaxis shock. Whoa, does that mean I need an Epi-pen??? Maybe!
After you see my list you will totally understand why the tears, the nervousness and how I feel betrayed by my own body. Autoimmune is not going to take my body over!
Here is the list of things I'm allergic to the highest to the least.
1. Wheat (gluten) barley, rye 4.9
2. Tomatoes 4.5
3. Maize Corn 4.5
4. Peanut 3.3
5. Cacao Chocolate 2.7
6. Soybean 2.4
7. Casein Protein 2.0 (what all dairy products have) Now, I can be allergic to some dairy, I haven't had any reactions in the past. But, I still have to be careful and eliminate them.
The next 2 are very low on the scale, but I have reactions to them in very different ways then the other food allergies. I'm surprised these aren't higher.
8. Eggs 2.0
9. Coffee 2.0
Here's another box of tissue for you, I'll share! The cost of me to resupply my cabinets of food is mind boggling. I have a friend who has offered to bless me with assistance. Thank God, for others love. Every can of soup I have will have to be donated, due to the ingredients I can't eat. Mainly soybean oil, they are already gluten free! Soups are my go to food when I'm having a day that I can't move from inflammation. The doctor says that once I get my body detoxed and find out what I'm allergic to by process of elimination. My inflammation should be very little. I guess you can say that I've been killing myself slowly these past 20 years and it is starting to show. My body is rejecting more everyday. I'm putting a STOP to it, NO MORE, I say in the name of JESUS CHRIST!
Now, my journey to a new, healthier, and better life. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. I will be cooking and freezing homemade soups, learning new and different foods to cook and eat. Back to the cutting board... 👩🍳 Creating new recipes to share with everyone! Are you ready? Am, I ready???
I'm sorry, but, I need my Mexican, Sushi, Chinese, Italian food, and Popcorn!!! 💔
| Someone asked me if I was doing well after the past few months of the family emergencies and such. I know that it would probably be better if I call it what it is, but then it's reality of what is going on in the world right now.
So, here it goes I'm going to call it what it is. Death, and this one has the name covid it keeps coming no matter what you do. But, it seems that it has hit close to home again. It has snuck up on people, without families being aware. I know that you would agree that we all have busy lives. My family has been hit with two new cases and I found out last night that one of my ex-daughter in law's mother had passed away a few months ago as well from covid and before her, her other mother in law as well a few months before that, her death was not covid related. I knew both and they both were beautiful ladies and would do anything for you.
I mourned last night for them both along with my brother in law as I have for the past two months and everyone else who has family members with losses from it. It is an ugly thing that we are facing in our world.
I spoke to my cousin, checking up on family this past week. I try to call the 8 remaining 1st cousin's every month. I missed catching up with him at Christmas time and all. I was so out of touch these past few months. I texted and he returned with a phone call after I had told him about my sister's husband. He had spent the last few months in the ISU himself with covid. He said he thought he was losing his mind and decided it was time to go to the hospital and they aired lifted him to Houston's hospital and began the procedure of curing him. He was so scared and he almost died from it. I'm so happy that he made it and I had him add me as his emergency contact number. I would have never known that he was sick and in the hospital. I can't imagine what if?
I don't know what everyone's situation is with their own families, but you need to take every day and love them. Mend those broken bridges or fences, because nothing is worth missing out on loving each other. Having those heart to heart conversations. Don't let another day go by without saying something to them. These past two years we have secluded ourselves from other humans even family. I have always tried texting or calling my family and friends that I love dearly with just a check on how their doing and say, I love you. ♥️♥️♥️
So, "How am I doing?" I'm hanging in and loving on those I love and that includes y'all! My 3 doctor's reports are excellent and I'm to keep up the good work. Yeah, me!!! A few more blood test were done and I have full confidence that they will be even more excellent than the last ones. Now, if I can just beat the fatigue I will be close to perfect... Lol
I do know that the grieving is a process and will take time to mend my shattered heart. My family and church family losses are to much now, 9 within 5 months. My sister is mending her heart as well and knows that we are near at all times and the rest of the family in their way and time. I'm going to try and see her in a few months hopefully it will be less dangerous (health wise) for us to travel. She said she might come here. Which was their plans before.
Hopefully I will be back tomorrow or Monday to start some revamping of contest and activities. Love y'all and have a great weekend! ♥️♥️♥️
|Well, this move sure has put a cramp in my social life at WdC and my outside contacts here. I do see light at the end of the tunnel. Well, maybe it’s a little cloudy here due to some issues with taxes, insurance delays making it dimly lite… The house may not close in 6 days, it might be 13 days now or longer.
So, in the meantime I am pacing myself and not going to stress over it. I always say things happen for a reason. God knows what is best for me. I trust Him and I know that I am in the Best hands there could be for situations like this. 👍🏻
I’ve been listening to my voicemails this morning that I finally figured out how to do on my new phone and it’s been an eye opener having to do everything on my phone right now. I MISS MY COMPUTER!!! I have all my apps, image maker, photos, etc. on it. It sucks not being able to do what I love doing.
Ok, back to listening to my voicemails and I had to share this with y’all. I received it sometime last week. Is there such a thing? Please, tell me, anyone else hear about this? It’s my first time I’ve heard anything about this one and they won’t stop calling!
“6687 hello this is Mary McBride with the division of financial relief and my number is 866-877-0563 so the reason for my call is to make you aware that due to the COVID-19 pandemic the new COVID-19 American release program was just passed to provide financial relief to all US citizens this means that the IRS is now required and must settle all tax debt within the special enrollment. Because you are a US resident you do not need to pay back any past due taxes as they have been deemed as non-collectible and can be forced into a settlement on your behalf but you have to elect to do so within the special enrollment period so please give me a call back and I can get your enrollment documents filled out for you and submitted based on your current situation again my number is 866-877-0563 again this special program is offered for a very limited time so please give me a call at your earliest convenience thank you…”
They are killing me with all these telemarketing call’s! They either call me or email me regarding their products or their scams. Prying on the innocent to con them into submission. I have received so many emails and calls in the past two months I just hit the delete button anymore.
That’s the end of my rant for now I need to get back to packing. I want to be ready to do some awesome things here in September for WdC’s birthday bash and mine. 🥳 🎂 🥳 I want to make it very special for everyone. I feel so empty not being here. I’m having WdC withdrawals… 🤣🥰😵💫
LOVE & MISS MY PEEPS 🥰🤗💋❤️
|Life sometimes gets to going too fast, and one needs to step back and recoup. I have been battling some health hurdles for about 2 years now. And this last battle took a lot out of me. Two spider bites have taken me a while to recover. I am still weak for most of the day. I am trying not to overexert myself, but I need to push myself to regain my strength. I am placing myself on a new exercise regimen after my move unless I decide to next week. Some of my friends believe that since I have moved into this house my health has declined. Hopefully, it will change in the coming months.
I am also in the middle of moving, and it has become a mental strain as well. I have not owned a house in 16 years, and things have changed a lot. I have never bought a house without stepping one foot into it until July 23, 2021. My son FaceTimed me as he walked through the houses for that day, and we placed the bid on the best one of the day, and it was excepted 6 hours later. It was only on the market for 8 hours. I think we should call it SPEED BUYING, I told him! Stress buying is the worst feeling. We both stepped back and gathered our wits, and determined what was best. I said, let God lead us, he agreed. We placed the bid on a house an hour later because the next house had sold while looking at my new home. Now, I am closer to being a first-time homeowner on my own since the divorce. Packing will be a slow process for me. I do have time, but being weak might take me longer than it normally does. I can pack a three-bedroom house in a week and a half. Now, it might take a whole month to pack. That's packing and cleaning the room as I go.
Now, for the reason for this post, letter, note whichever you would like to call it. It does break my heart that I need to step away for a few months from my contest "The Lighthouse Poetry Contests" and "The Lighthouse Short Story Contest" to recoup completely. I will be in and out checking on a few things here and there to catch up on contest judging that is needed to be done, emails, fill overdue contest packages, hand out some well deserved MB's, awardicon's, to cheer on those at "Anniversary Reviews" and a few other things that need my attention. This includes my new contest "On a Whim Mystery Prompt Contest" it will be judged and closed until the next mystery date opening. I hope to return in Octberish. I will be attending the BIRTHDAY BASH. Sum1 and I do have a surprise for our ANNIVERSARY REVIEWER's for September's celebration. I will try and spend a few hours a day here and there for the next few months. I may only have limited wifi access during the move. We'll see! Until then, limited time here is a big factor for me to recoup. Mentally I need to step back from a few things, so I may come back stronger than ever. I have been praying about this for some time now.
I love my peeps!
|I'm a draggin today... As I was waiting to close "The Lighthouse Poetry Contests" , I watched the clock on my laptop as it appeared to slow down. Like a ticking time bomb ready to go off.
But instead, I got an alarming sharp pain, no two searing sharp pains coursing through the right side of my bum. Causing me to yell out loud and jump up. Swatting it as if to stop whatever was causing the pain that now ran through my body. Something had bitten me twice on my backside. Fable jumped up as well, trying to figure out why momma was screaming her head off and running around into the kitchen after pulling off her outer garments.
Reaching for the Dawn dish soap to stop the poison from rushing throughout my body. I was told that it eliminates the poison from going any further if administered quickly to the affected area. I have used it several times in the past on ant bites, mosquito bites as well as wasp bites. I could still feel it swelling as the pain didn't subside. I began to worry that it had been a spider that had bitten me. I thought I had seen a spider slide down next to me while I took Fable out to the bathroom, but dismissed it immediately not giving it another thought until I was bitten. I hobbled to the bathroom to view the damaged area to see two trails of bleed streaming down.
Now, perplexed and troubled about what could have caused the affecting wounds to my bum. I surveyed the sofa, my clothing that now laid on the floor. A scary thought crossed my mind at the instant I stood there with searing pain coursing through my body. I have no phone to call for help or even someone to drive me to the ER; what if I pass out or convulse. My neighbor had left for Kansas for a death in the family just hours before. It's 25 minutes to the hospital. Can I make it, I wondered? I had to take the chance there was blood and severe pain like I have never felt from a bite before.
As I was driving, things popped in my head as I tried to stay on the dark road. Like who was the doctor on duty? Am I going to get the same treatment as last time? I hate going to the ER. Gezzzz, they have to look at my booty. Was it a Black Widow or a Recluce? I had just killed both earlier last week. Am I paranoid? But, THERE'S BLOOD, Teresa Ann!
I arrived at the ER at 11:38 pm. I was wheeled back after my vitals were taken and placed in a room. Basically dumbed off. I wasn't even told to get in the bed or sit and wait for the attending nurses and doctor to come in. She wheeled the chair backward and left the room. I spent the next three hours under observation. I lay there thinking, how much is this going to cost me? No, tests could be run on a spider bite, no known blood test to check for spider venom? They cleaned the wound and applied a topical cream that would help with the pain.
I lay there listening to their giggles and talk until I couldn't take anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong, the doctor and nurses assigned to me were great. Heck, the doctor talked to me for 45 minutes while observing my reactions and vital signs. We talked about our lovable fur babies. His dog Bently is a rescued dog as well. We found in the dead of night a few things in common. A whole lot better than the last 5 visits I have had in the past 2 years.
I pressed my little red button to call them after waiting another 30 minutes. A female voice chimed into the intercom, and I responded politely, "I want to go home now!" They quickly came in and apologized that he was working on the discharge papers as we speak. Doctor Brad walked in and handed me the wash that he wanted me to use daily, and the nurse added it to the other things in my huge discharge bag. She handed me the pill I was to take upon leaving. Hopefully, I would make it home before I fell asleep.
I thought I would never make it home. It seemed like the road would never stop at my house. As I pulled into the driveway, slowly not to wake my neighbors on either side of me at 3 am. I slipped out of my car and into my house unnoticed except by my beloved Fable.
She checked every inch of me out. All she knows is momma left in pain and had been gone forever. I took her out for her goodnight bathroom run and headed to the bedroom once we were back inside. So exhausted and still in some pain, I coaxed her into bed, and we laid there; as I tried to get comfortable, she got off the bed and did her security round, and plopped at her usual station for the night.
I tossed a little and decided that I would have to sleep on the opposite side tonight in order to relieve the pain that radiated down the right side of my body. Once I turned over from the usual sleeping pattern, I fell fast asleep.
I am still in pain as I sit here. Debating if I should go have the pain meds filled before the pharmacy closes for the day. I'm not sure I can even drive the slight distance and back. My head feels heavy like it is strapped down, and I can no longer lift it with ease.
This has been a very unusually strange week for me. It keeps coming at me one thing after another. My phone troubles, my landlord visited twice unannounced, the electrician, my neighbor setting up care for her cats and plants, spider bites, deliveries of my very late orders, and the ER visit.
I think I will call it a day/night for me, my peeps. Prayers and happy thoughts for all. If I feel up to it, I will drop in much later.
Hugzzzz and love, LegendaryMask❤️Believes
|Good evening everyone,
As I begin my fifth year here at WdC and wandering down the hallways of WdC. I want to thank everyone for the beautiful 4th-anniversary c-notes, gifts, and cards to celebrate it. I look back at all the things that I have learned and had the pleasure of meeting some excellent writers and people here. I reflect on the ones who have come and gone, but most of all, left an imprint on my life. Some have gone to greener pastures, as some say, and they will be missed dearly in this girl's heart. At the same time, others have gotten wrapped up in their daily lives. It has been a rough few years for some of us, but we are hanging on and making it by the Grace of God.
I look forward to increasing my knowledge in writing and critiquing it to its fullest in the many years to come. I have always enjoyed writing but hated reading for the most part. It took time away from what is very important to me. My family! Raising two sons plus all their friends was a joy in my life. I can actually say I have had at any given time at least four to six boys in my house at all times. Man, talk about eaters. It was a Godsend when the ex got the job at Keebler Cookies.
WdC has been an experience that I have enjoyed and recommend to others to join like my cousin Marvelous Friend. I want the same experience to happen to other writers and artists. It is a great avenue for you to strengthen your crafts and ideas into works of art. Like Sharmelle ~ Welcome to 2022!!! newest "Christian Verses, During Tough Times!!!" and we can't forget all those wonderful recipes she has posted all weekend "Sharmelle's Recipe Kitchen Cookbooks" . She sure made our mouths water, and our stomachs grumble. It is people like Rhoswen - Relentless Victory, Fangus, 🌜 HuntersMoon, Sum1, Schnujo, Lilli ☕️, Maryann, queenkissy, Soldier_Mike 🎺, among many many more. Who have been there time and time again when I needed guidance.
My home away from home and a family who is always there lending a hand in whatever they can do for me. Even if it is prayers, they have helped more than you could ever imagine.
I love my peeps! Thank you for always having my back when I needed that extra love!
Hugzzzz and love,
My day went kinda like this!
My girlfriend Kary had to tell me to breathe.
Way too much for one week.
It started with a text from my landlord on Monday, letting everyone know that the Sheldons were working on finances to purchase the properties, and she would let us know if and when she had a date that it would be final. Wednesday, she texted us that it would become final today! They SOLD the property that has 4 townhouses and two single-story houses on it. She says that nothing should change except ownership.
I have a horrible feeling about this. I meet them during the walk-through, which truly they had already purchased and had not seen all of them. He asked her if all appliances stayed, and I said no! Because she said yes! I politely said the washer/dryer is mine, the clothes rod, and the two lights outside. He rudely said, good, because we don't supply them. He turned and walked away. Not a good sign. One of the other families had to buy a new washer and dryer two days ago, because of it.
This morning she texted us and said it was final. She was no longer our landlord. Why I'm so worried is that she had worked out a very reasonable rent for me to have a place to live. I know that the house I have can go for $200 more than what I'm paying. I'm on a budget and will have to move if they raise the rent, which I was planning on in June/July. My finances are not quite ready for the move. Waiting for the other shoe to drop on this one.
I know that God has a plan. Boy, do I wish I knew what was going to happen. It would be so much better on my body.
Now for what happened today. I had made plans to have lunch with some friends. It has been over a year since I have eaten out. While we had lunch, I was going to have my oil changed in my car. Ya, know, kill two birds with one stone. They told me $50; ok cool, I could handle that. It was long overdue.
We went to Applebee's. No menus, no salt or pepper shakers or condiments on the tables. Due to covid! Our food came, and our waitress took off without asking if we needed anything. Found another waitress to get the salt and ketchup, she went and told our waitress what we needed. That took her 10 minutes because she was in the kitchen waiting on the other table's food.
When she placed the plate with the salt packets on it, she walked away with the ketchup. My friends busted out laughing because I had this devastating look on my face. She returned a couple of seconds and wondered why we were laughing. I told her, never mind, they're laughing at me.
I ordered a riblet basket with fries. The riblets were mostly fat, and when the manager walked up and asked if everything was ok, my friend said no. Her ribs are mostly fat. He went and made me a to-go box filled with ribs.
When we got to the dealership, he gave me the estimates of some things I had asked for, including the oil change. They total a whopping $822, not happening! As we are walking to pay for the bill, I see $100. My anxiety kicks in! We walk up to the cashier, and I tell her that I just wanted an oil change today. That I didn't want the thermostat done today, just an estimate. She looks at the paperwork he gave me and said, that's your estimates, ma'am.
Gezzz, I said! Shaking my head, trying to shake off this strange feeling I'm getting. The room is spinning, I start to sweat, and I'm no sweater, peeps. My hands are starting to shake. Kary grabs me to steady me on my feet as I lean against the counter.
It's too late; I'm in a full-blown panic attack. I have only had a two in ten years. This is my third. I get calmed down, and he leads us to my car. We leave the parking lot, and at the stop sign, I'm looking at my bill. I couldn't remember what she said it was. But I knew it wasn't what I was told it would be. They put 10 quarts of oil in my car! I asked Kary to review it line by line as I'm driving. She reads it off, and there's no oil filter... lol. Ok, I'll call them when I get home. I got back $15, yeah me!
The bad thing about my panic/anxiety attacks they don't wear off for a few days. They make me sick at my stomach, I'll have a Crohn's attack, difficulty breathing, and I get the shakes. Having autoimmune diseases suck a lot. You never know which one will show up to the party on that day. Sometimes one, maybe two, will join you. Or one will leave, and another one arrives. Sometimes they stay, and sometimes they go away until they decide to show off. You're fortunate if none show up for the day.
But, I count my blessings. I am breathing, I have extra ribs for dinner tomorrow, and I have my $15 back. GOD is GOOD!
As you could tell by my post yesterday that..., I'M BACK !!!
My doctor was the one who ended up giving me the correct medicine, and at that, it was a guessing game after all the tests that they ran on me at the ER. I'm telling you I'm so discouraged to go to the ER in my town.
Here are all the tests they ran: heart attack, stroke, cancer, covid, pneumonia, blood clots in my heart, lungs, and brain. They all come back negative, AWESOME news! Here's what they didn't do, listen to my heart or lungs with a stethoscope. But, most importantly, they didn't listen to me. My oxygen was at 88%. My doctor had me rushed to the ER 20 miles away. By the time I got there and back into the room, my rate went back up. I repeatedly told them that I only have the issue when I exerted myself, getting up, walking around, taking Fable out to potty, checking the mail, fixing food, etc. They told me that they would have me get up and walk around the nurse's station to witness what was going on if the covid test comes back negative. Never happened! Very disappointed in my care that night.
At least my doctor listened to my heart and lungs. She decided that we would try a few medications to see if it was an upper respiratory infection, although my lungs were clear on the test ran at the ER, and she said they sounded good. We figured it was due to all the pollen floating around in the air. Now, I have to wear a mask at all times when outdoors or out shopping and running errands. LegendaryMask❤️Believes rides again...
The most important thing right now is that I finally got the care I needed, and I am on the road to recovery, just in time to have to move. My current landlord just sold the home that I live in right now last week, along with five others. Now, I will be upping my move to Arkansas 4 months earlier than planned. At least I'm well enough to pack and get things ready for it now.
I'm ready to rock and roll again on WdC!!! I have so many things planned for April it ain't funny. If you haven't notice that I'm showing up in "Anniversary Reviews" I missed being able to give as many reviews like I use to due to my health concerns. But, I am getting to help Sum1 dish out MB's and GP's. I'm having a blast. So, if you haven't checked "Anniversary Reviews" out lately maybe you should.
Hugzzzz and love to ya'll,
“The Loss of a Loved One”
When you have lost a loved one and the knowledge that life will be so hard
without them in it and no matter how much it hurts.
Remember, when the grief fades, you will still have the memories.
Treasure them. It’s a gift from God!
Yesterday was downtime for me by ways of nature. It rained almost all day, shutting my electronics down. No, television, no wifi, and spotty phone service. That’s ok. It gave me time to reflect on what day it was. Eventually, that is after I woke from a few much-needed naps.
When I would have service, I’d make the calls I needed and check emails and such. But, two significant phone calls would turn out to be a blessing in disguise. The first was my dad, and I called to check on him. He had a heart attack about a month ago. I needed to see how his progress had been.
My dad is not much of a talker on the phone. But, yesterday, he wanted to talk, well, ask a lot of questions, that is… lol. We haven’t been involved in each other’s lives for 38 years much, mostly off and on. I try to call him every two weeks now, that way we have things to talk about. He asked where I lived and about my sons and how old my grandchildren are and what they were doing. He realized it had been 38 years since he had seen my sons and me. Made me sad in many ways that we had let the time slip away from us.
He has lived in Alaska for the past five years or so which I had no idea he had moved, until four months ago when I called him about my baby brother. Which my brother had given me dad’s new number before he had his bypass surgery.
I know that some of you have family secrets stored in the closet. You know which closet. The one labeled Secrets enter at your own risk! So, most of us throw them in and slam the door shut, sometimes nailing it shut and live with the consequences, and there are plenty of those going around. Most of them need to be aired out and patch up the cracks in the family wall, that's spliting apart.
It hadn’t dawned on me what day it was until after I called my baby sister and told her that dad wants to come to see his children. She was curious about what that meant because most of the time, he cancels seeing us and does something else with his other family. I told her that I wasn’t reading anything into it. It was the thought that counts, right now. He slurs his words, and it is difficult to understand him sometimes. I have tried repairing the damage done by others in the family, but it is hard when that person is long gone. The lies told ripped through my family 38 ½ years ago like a machete slicing through the grass on a hot summer’s day. Actually, a little blood dripping from it a time or two, which is very heartbreaking to most involved.
As we reminisced about years gone by, she asked me, “If I called because of the anniversary?”
“What anniversary?” And as soon as it left my mouth, I knew! I started to cry. She knew that moment I remembered.
“You know it’s been 39 years!” She says.
“I choked back the tears and said, “Yes, and it’s hard to believe it. I can’t believe I called dad today of all days. No wonder he was more talkative than usual. That is if he remembered the day. She asked me why he was? I told her he had to go and promised to call me back, and I thought sure if he remembers too. I told her 15 minutes later he did. My dad has called me three times in 39 years. This meant a lot to me, and as he hung up, he said that he loved me! It’s a big deal coming from him.
When you have a loved one’s loss, especially the glue to your family, it is tough to mend it back to what it once was. I mourned my mom’s death for many years. Did things to celebrate and remember her in ways that my sons would know her. But, I had little to go on because they were so young when she died. Heck, I was 22.4 years old. Never in my life did I think I would be without her, let alone my son’s and their children. Mom’s are supposed to live forever.
And she does in my heart! You may use the quote I wrote if you wish because everyone suffers a loss, and we suffered a lot in 2020. The pain, grief, and sorrow that we have out shadows the memories we have of our loved ones. I realized at that moment when my sister reminded me of the date that I had finally stopped grieving and started remembering only the love and memories of my mom. I was finally at peace with knowing that I will see her again one day.
We all process our grief in our own way and time. Everyone’s circumstances are different. So, don’t let anyone tell you to cowboy up and move on. You do have to remember that you have to live for them and tell their stories. You can't let it take you out of other's lives or everyone loses. I'm not saying you can't grief, but you have to live. That is what they would want you to do. I didn’t think I would ever get to a point that I was at peace with it and knowing that I would be okay. She’s just on vacation waiting for me to join God, her, and the rest of the family. The biggest thing is to remember the memories and try not to let them outweigh the pain of your loss. Getting past the grief is a big step in moving forward in your life. It has been 39 years for one of the greatest losses in my life and probably the hardest yet. It was a gradual process for me, but I can say that I am finally at peace.
I have had family losses in the many years since, and they too have left scars and memories to bear, but I know that the scars will disappear and the memories will emerge with a great love for those who have left us and knowing that we will be reunited once more.
My prayer for you today! Is that you always look up and ask God to wrap His loving arms around you at all times. The sense of His loving arms and their strength about you will give you the peace in your heart you need.
May God bless you and keep you. May He give you love, comfort, strength, faith, hope, and the ultimate peace with your loss and all things in your life. In our Heavenly Father’s name, Amen.
The Loneliness "Death of a Marriage, be it Death or Divorce."
by Teresa Blakely
I have a dear friend who has suffered her husband's death a few months before the pandemic, and she had posted about widowhood. Widowhood comes in all shapes and sizes and does not discriminate against males or females. Although in my case, I was married 35 years and divorced. I mourn the death of my marriage, still today after 10 years, and I feel and have felt the things she describes in her post. To fill that emptiness and void can be hard some days. God gets me through them and a handful of people I talk to about separation anxiety. That's the best way I know how to describe it.
It's hard for others to understand if they don't know what it's like. And 2020 was very difficult to get through the loneliness of not having a spouse there to get through it together, like all the other experiences before. Reaching out to someone helps, but you don't want to feel like a burden to anyone. Trust me. I've been there, and I know that feeling. It has gotten better in some areas, like going out to eat alone, but I would prefer to eat with someone. It does have it's moments.
Like so many others, having been married for a very long time, it is like it died. And in reality, it did for me, and I'm sure it has for others. Your spouse has alright been through it, already adjusted to being without you. In their mind, it was over years earlier. They just didn't know how to tell you without hurting you. In the long run, they end up hurting you even more than they wanted to. Divorce is an ugly dragon rearing its head to devour its prey. No matter who it is. It does not care!
I wanted to share this with you because it sums up the loneliness that one can experience in a death of a marriage. May it be by death of a spouse or death of a divorce. It consumes us never the less. I hope this touches your heart and gives you peace that you are not alone in this feeling.
by Alisha Bozarth
“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.
Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.
Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years, and it no longer feels like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart, and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.
Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amounts to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.
Widowhood is second-guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s, and without them, you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.
Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone; like a mist of a dream, you begin to wonder if it happened at all.
Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.
Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you, or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.
Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing in your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?
Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.
Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. Nobody next to you. No partner to share your burden.
Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry, but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.
Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.
Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.