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141 Total Reviews Given
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1
1
Review of my world  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (5.0)
WOW....this was very positive and touching. not only your words are absolutely in rhyme, but the deep meaning matches well with the arrangement of the words.

It addresses all those who read it. Totally marvelous! I believe the majority of people can who read it will relate to it. We all seek a place to hide or give our souls warmth from the tiresome daily lives we lead. I can see you provided everyone a wonderful dream, and also the great feeling to realize we all live in the same boat no matter how different our situations are.

Please write more of these positive, bright and lovely poems. We all need daily doses of it. :)

Thank you so much for sharing. It made a difference in my day!
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Review of untitled  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (5.0)
This sounded like my life-story at the current mountain of dark situations I am in. The last line drove goosebumps through me..and I hope it is true. I love this poem. The repetitions were excellent, the words so simple and straightforward, yet it delivered the depth of the message. Wonderful work. Please keep on writing!
3
3
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
i love it....why we pine for something that leaves us in pain is beyond me. You've done a great job of expressing that with a very few, good choice of words. and the contrast of heat at the begging and cold at the end brings a wonderful emotional touch. I am not very good with poetry forms, but it has done everything a poem needs to do to a reader. I felt your words and understood it's depth in it's simplicity. Would love to see more of these.
4
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Review of SWEET MEMORIES  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello ainshu


You made me feel the wind, the sand, the salty air of the sea shore with just words...and I think that;s just so WOW!!! *Bigsmile*

Please do keep on writing! You are very talented!
I urge the wonderful members of WDC to read her work, she really has potential!
5
5
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello karl


Here is a review for your item listed in "Invalid Item" ;
 Zarths escape part 2  (13+)
Zarth is on the run with the legendary dragon stone, but will the dragulth catch him?
#1317914 by karl


*Exclaim*Please understand that these are only my SUGGESTIONS and OPINIONS. It is your work, you can do as you please!*Smile*

*Note4*General Comments:
This is in a narrative form with no dialogues, and it has the tone of building up into something greater. Followed by "Zarth's escape part 1", this was very entertaining!


*Note4*What I liked:

I really liked the begging, where you jump into the protagonist's emotions headfirst, then smoothly flow into the events.

I also liked your detailed paragraphing.




*Note4*Plot and Setting:

A tale of medieval fantasy, this story makes us plunge into an imaginary world. The scenery is well-described, with the right mix of emotions and events, well done!

*Note4*Characterization:

Here, the only character is the main character, and he is definitely living in my mind! Still, the character can be developed some more with more emotional descriptions, perhaps some self-thoughts, reactions, etc. Just a suggestion.


*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:
You ahve done a pretty good job with the grammar and vocabulary as far as I can see. There are some very few spots which you may need to reconsider, *Bigsmile*

*Bullet*[Yes, the stone thought zarth, wishing he had never been offered the chance to steal it]--->"Z" should be capitalized.

*Bullet*[in the city of cillidor.]--->As "cillidor" is a specific noun, "C" should be capitalized as well.

*Bullet*[knowing that it was created 1000 years ago by the 5 greatest wizards of the time he had accepted without hesitation.
]--->Perhaps a COMMA(,) or a SEMI-COLON(;) after "time" would make the sentence sound better.

*Bullet*[the tunnell walls themselve]--->"tunnel" and "themselves"

*Bullet*[then hurried on untill]--->until

*Bullet*[he held his hands out and let the power of the stone release from his fingers which had burst out like a wave of heated air that had rippled out towards the hunters and hit right into the middle of them knocking them all of there feet]--->This sentence is too long. Consider placing commas in appropriate places, or split it into 2-3 sentences(That way you can add even more detail.)


*Bullet*[a thousand years of magic had flowed into him, and voices of the long dead taught him everything he could possibly know about the use of magic lore.]--->This statement seems a bit stiff compared to rest of the story. I would like to have seen how the magic had flowed into him. Try some emotional character descriptions, like: How did he feel when it happened? Was there anything visible which showed it? What had been his thoughts as it happened? etc.





*Note4*In a nutshell:

You have a wonderful imagination, and you also have the skill of weaving a dramatic tale. With a little more work on character description (not just physical), you can come-up with a magnificent story. I would love to re-read it if you intend to polish this-up. Good luck with this story, and keep on writing!

I'll snoop into the next part of the story, as this has made me curious.*Bigsmile*




With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*



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Review of Lost at sea  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello KooKsY pOoPsY


Here is a review for your item;
 Lost at sea  (E)
This is a story which my family and I got saved from a disaster while we were on a trip.
#1321673 by KooKsY pOoPsY


*Exclaim*Please understand that these are only my SUGGESTIONS and OPINIONS. It is your work, you can do as you please!*Smile*

*Note4*General Comments:
This is an action-packed story, with vivid descriptions and light-hearted storytelling. This young author has a lot of potential to weave such a vibrant, imaginative story.

I strongly urge members to help new, talented authors like you to shine in WDC!


*Note4*What I liked:

I loved the title, and the beginning of the story had the "hook" int; I was caught like a fish!

I loved the descriptions and adjectives, specially towards the end.

My favorite line is:
I held my breath, watching in utter disbelief as they rushed into the boat. Everyone got alarmed. What a wonderful mix of words!!! *Thumbsup*




*Note4*Plot and Setting:

This was a vibrant short story which portrays a tragedy in a light tone. The setting was all right, but it would be lots better with some more description, (since there is no word limit, why not add more description? make us SEE what you see.)

I also would like to suggest you to add some dialogues into the story, it brings the characters into life along with descriptions!


*Note4*Characterization:

There was very little speech in the story, but the descriptions were wonderful. I would have loved to know more details on the other family members.


*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:
Here are some suggestions which may help you to polish your work. I liked your story, and wanted to help as much a I can to make it perfect!!! *Bigsmile*

*Bullet*[was preparing items for the trip at noon]--->were

*Bullet*[Lets see!]--->How about: Let's see...

*Bullet*[and my make-ups]--->cosmetics

*Bullet*[I went in front of the mirror for a recheck. My strawberry pink and big eyes still looks sleepy, my eye lashes looking shorter. My white-skinned, crystal face looks unrefreshed and oily. At the same time, my bloody red, glossy long hair was curly and untidy. So off I went to the bathroom, cleared my mess, came out and started checking my bag pack again. ]--->This was a very vivid, detailed description, good work! But there are some rough spots which you might want to consider, like; the switch of past tense to present tense. I hope you didn't mind that I have added these changes:

I went in front of the mirror for a re-check. My strawberry pink, big eyes still looked sleepy, my eye lashes looking shorter than usual. My white, crystal clear face looked un-fresh and oily. At the same time my bloody red, glossy long hair was curly and untidy. So off I went to the bathroom, cleared my mess, came out and started checking my bag pack again.

*Bullet*[ For instance mom yelled, ]--->After an instant

*Bullet*[a Kitchen, a Sitting room and Bedrooms were there.]--->No need to capitalize "kitchen, sitting-room, bedroom". They are common nouns.

*Bullet*[while Dad and Brother, Kenly]--->Place a SEMI-COLON (;) after "brother", instead of a comma.

*Bullet*[While on the way, suddenly, we lost sight, Dad started panicking, but Ken declared that we can still reach the island and it was a different direction with his handsome tune and milky blue eyes. ]--->This sentence seems too long. Perhaps you can split the sentence into 2-3 sentences. And You can describe Ken in a separate sentence, for example:Ken stared into the horizon with a determined twinkle in his bright, blue eyes.

*Bullet*[My sisters screamed me with pleasure]--->maybe screamed at me?

*Bullet*[Fast, everyone was sleeping except me]--->I think "soon" is a better word than "fast"

*Bullet*[By watching outside from the window, in a sudden waves of the sea rushed into the boat and we all got tired....... You might say........ Suddenly huge, rough waves appeared through the window.]--->Here is my suggestion for this paragraph:
I glanced outside the window and gasped to see waves rising up against the windows in a sudden rush. Within seconds, the water rushed into our boat! Our screams were lost in the roar of the furious waves. After what seemed like hours, the waves gave-up and receded back into the ocean, leaving behind our shivering, rigid bodies.

*Bullet*[Everyone was shivered(everyone was shivering OR everyone shivered. do not use was/were with "ed" forms). Our cloths got dirty. Our mouth was full with salt.]--->My suggestion:We were all relieved, but still trembling after things got under control. Outside, the waves still threatened to leap up and crash into our boat any minute. I can still taste the salt water that filled my mouth when the wave had rushed-in.


*Bullet*[After a while, everything went back to normal. We all got hungry and went for fishing. In a sudden way, we got carried away by strong currents. All of my Sisters and Mom starting to cry.]--->The sentences here lack description. Put in more emotions and detailed explanations. How did things go back to normal? How were you carried away by the strong current? How did the boat behave? Here you "tell" the readers that the boat was carried away by the strong current, SHOW the readers how the boat was really carried away, and show the characters' reactions some more.


*Bullet*[Again a current hit the boat, Dad and Brother got lost. Mom, Sisters and I got worried.
After, suddenly, we heard a sound of a boat's siren. To our delight, we saw a boat in the distance. We all shouted for help. We got elated. It was from Dad and Brother who informed the rescue. We got timely rescued. We went home happily. It was an adventurous travel on sea.]--->Dad and brother getting lost is a very big tragedy. So the story seems dull when you say that in just one sentence. Perhaps taking that part out would make the story more realistic. (just my opinion *Smile*) I suggest you to make this ending longer. Take the events one-by-one and put in more adjectives, tell us HOW it all happened in more detail. Let us see and hear your joy, your family's joy, your emotions when you got rescued. Tell us what you first thought when you saw the rescue boat, and describe it.


*Note4*In a nutshell:

Great writers are produced with lots and lots of hard work. Believe it or not, I got even MORE mistakes in my writings when I first joined WDC. This is a wonderful, helpful community, so don't worry about the amount of corrections you have to do now- you can steadily improve with a little dedication and time.

You have the potential and ability to build-up wonderful ideas. Get up every time you fall, and try to beat us reviewers by perfecting your wonderful stories! You have skill, please do keep on writing!

Hope to read this again if you consider revising your work!




With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*

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Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello karl


Here is a review for your item listed in "Invalid Item" ;
 Zarths Esacpe Part 1  (E)
Zarth the thief is being hunted, but why?, and by what?, will he escape?
#1317855 by karl


*Exclaim*Please understand that these are only my SUGGESTIONS and OPINIONS. It is your work, you can do as you please!*Smile*

*Note4*General Comments:
A fictional fantasy story that bubbles with an action-packed beginning, I found this quite interesting.

You did a great job with pulling me into your imaginative world, and you managed to "hook" me in well. I found the story very entertaining.



*Note4*What I liked:

I loved your keen eye for detail. The actions and emotions were nicely arranged together to make wonderful descriptions.
My favorite part is: Zarth stepped back from the boulder and held out his hands, his eyes closed in concentration, he summoned his power and used it to pick up the huge boulder which floated out in front of him You made me SEE it. *Thumbsup*




*Note4*Plot and Setting:

The story flowed very well, eventhough there were some run-on sentences. The setting was very vividly described, good enough to make me clearly visualize the actions described. Well done!


*Note4*Characterization:

I found the main character on whom the spotlight shone on in this part;Zarth, very intriguing, and I cant wait to know more about him! I suppose as this is only a part of the story, I'll be able to see more of what Zarth looks like; what are his strong emotions; what his personality is like, later on.


*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:
My review radar detected no major flaws! Just a couple of run-on sentences, and some mistakes which can be corrected by a bit of polishing. I apologize for any mistakes/misunderstandings on my part. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet*[emense]--->immense

*Bullet*[Arrows flew past zarth as he]--->Capitalize "Z"

*Bullet*[was dangling from thin silver chain.]--->How about including "a" between 'from' and 'thin'?

*Bullet*['the dargulth' would immediately]--->Consider capitalizing "t" in 'the; "d" in 'Dargulth'. Hence: The Dargulth

*Bullet*[happened. but he also knew how to create]--->Capitalize "b" in 'but', (or) place a COMMA(,) after 'happened'

*Bullet*[Zarth then started walking behind it made his way to the]--->Perhaps:walking behind it and made his way..

*Bullet*[boulder suddenly was hurled at them killing 3 outright and]--->A COMMA(,) after 'them' would make the sentence sound better.

*Bullet*[I will never let them get this stone he thought.]--->Put his thoughts in italics, or between INVERTED COMMAS(") for better flow.Just my opinion.

*Bullet*I also found that there were too many sentences beginning with "zarth"- specially towards the end. Consider using 'he' for some places instead. Read the story from a stranger's POV, or read it aloud to see what I mean.

*Bullet*Try splitting the story into more paragraphs. This is just my opinion, I like it better when the paragraphs aren't too long.*Smile*

*Bullet*There were some long sentences, with too many commas. I admit, I have been a victim of the same mistake*Blush*. Try separating the long sentences into 2-3 sentences instead, like the first sentence in first paragraph.


*Note4*In a nutshell:

This is a very promising story, yet it's still a rough diamond. With a little polishing and I am sure, the completion of the story, i am sure this would be a very interesting read. I cant wait to see how this all turns out!

For now, I'm rating this as 4.0

If you need any further help, please do not hesitate to ask. And I'll be happy to re-review this if you consider editing-just drop me a line.




With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*



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Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Lee L Strauss


Here is a review for your item listed in "Invalid Item" ;
 Making Tea in the Dark  (ASR)
the doings of a man with a tenuous grip on reality.
#1317958 by Lee L Strauss


*Exclaim*Please understand that these are only my SUGGESTIONS and OPINIONS. It is your work, you can do as you please!*Smile*

*Note4*General Comments:
This was an interesting story with a uniquely different story line; kind of obscure and abstract, yet it did what it was supposed to do- reeled me in. *Smile*

There wasn't any dialogues, as to speak of, as this was in the first-person narrative. Yet it was humourous at some points in a subtle kind of way that made me want to read till the very end.



*Note4*What I liked:
*I liked how you titled the story; very appropriate.

*The good paragraphing added smoothness to the flow and enhanced the emphasis on the story's uniqueness.

*I absolutely loved this line (actually, the whole paragraph really amused me.):I knew one of us shouldn’t have been there and from the look of surprise on his face...





*Note4*Plot and Setting:

I was a little confused about the main moral/gist of the story, perhaps there was a deeper meaning I couldnt comprehend.(Maybe because I am not very intelligent *Wink*)

And I also noticed this story lacked detail. It would be lots better than it already is with some descriptions of the settings in more detail.




*Note4*Characterization:

The story revolves around the main character here, and you have done a good job of showing us (readers) the character's emotional status. Anyhow, I had a voice in my head questioning about what this character looks like- I would like to know some more about him(main character).


*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:
My review radar detected no major flaws! With a bit if ground work, you can make it shine! *Bigsmile*

*Bullet*[shock fear and disgust such as you might experience if you woke to find Adolph Hitler]--->A SEMI-COLON (;) would be great between "disgust" and "such", for better flow.

*Bullet*[he wasn’t massaging my feet he was licking his]--->Perhaps a COMMA (,) after "feet"

*Bullet*[Suddenly I heard footsteps upstairs. ‘]--->There seems to be inverted commas(') placed in some unnecessary places, I recommend checking your work for such flaws.

*Bullet*The story lacks some commas which may make the story even better. I am sure a thorough proof-read would be very helpful.


*Bullet*I found NO spelling mistakes, GREAT!!!*Thumbsup*


If you need any help/clarifications, please do not hesitate to mail me.





*Note4*In a nutshell:

This was an interesting read and I enjoyed it. In my opinion, you can still work on it and improve it with a little more detail, us readers are sometimes too dumb to guess what goes inside your head, or guess the meaning in-between the lines. *Smile*

For now, i am rating this 3.5

If you consider editing, I'd be happy to re-review it!

Please do keep on writing, you are very talented!!!


With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*

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9
Review of Bacon  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello sean


Here is a review for "Bacon" 

*Exclaim*Please understand that these are only my SUGGESTIONS and OPINIONS. It is your work, you can do as you please!*Smile*


*Note4*General Comments:
This was an action-packed, outrageously humorous, fictional short story! I believe ti would fly high with children, specially young boys! What wonderful and creative ideas you have!!! I really enjoyed this.


*Note4*What I liked:

It's hard to pick out anything specific, but I loved how ironically the plot unfolds. I also admired your ability to plunge so deep into the story, it was almost believable!!!

I also loved the title and the description; it was enough to pique my curiosity!




*Note4*Plot and Setting:

I am not a huge fan of action-drama stories, yet this entertained me with it's wonderful storytelling. You could enhance the descriptions of the surroundings a bit more to make it more colorful.


*Note4*Characterization:

In my opinion, the main character can be developed further to suit this wonderful storyline. Try describing Bob a bit more, shove in another dialogue or two, put in more 'emotions'.




*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:

I came across a few mistakes, nothing you can't cure with a little polishing.Please do remember that these are only my OPINIONS and SUGGESTIONS. I apologize for any misunderstandings/mistakes on my part.

*Bullet*[4 am,]--->a.m,

*Bullet*[he almost seemed possessed by the bacon. ]--->I would recommend you to show the readers how he seemed possessed.

*Bullet*[but he can never seem to get close enough to eat it before something else does]--->Consider revising this sentence, somehow it looks odd and confusing.

*Bullet*[every meal there was served with bacon]--->How about: Each and every meal there; was served with bacon.

*Bullet*[bob looked out the window and saw a group of]--->Bob

*Bullet*[but what other choice did he have]--->Place a question mark(?) after this sentence.

*Bullet*[much stronger in one direction then the others]--->I believe it should be "than".

*Bullet*[Bob stopped running also.]--->Consider re-arranging the words for better flow. Example:Bob also kept running "

*Bullet*Please check over this particular dialogue:

"Thank you," said Bob to Bill.
“No problem,” replied Bill. “What do we do now?”

Considering the story, I think Bob and Bill were confused here?


*Note4*In a nutshell:

I really enjoyed this story, and I am also sure that this has the potential of becoming something much greater than it already is! Tweak around a it, re-read it yourself after a while; pretending you are a random reader.

If you consider editing, I'd be happy to re-review it!

You are very talented, keep writing!!!




With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*



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10
Review of Rough Justice  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Dawn Embers



This is a review with regard to
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1270380 by Not Available.



*Note4*General Comments:
A compelling short story with a first person narration that left me wanting more! The paragraphing was excellent and it "hooked" me in good!

The simple, yet detailed sentences made the story flow very smoothly! Nothing excessive or too plain with it; it was just right!

The dialogue and the main character's musings were very realistic, and I could immediately empathize and sympathize with him.



*Note4*What I liked:

Actually, I liked a lot of things in this story,*Smile* here are some of them:

*Bullet*I loved the line: "Should have ran, gotten away from there, but I remained as the police arrived."

*Bullet*I really enjoyed the opening paragraph! The setting and situation made a nice powerful punch!

*Bullet*The detailed descriptions did wonders, and I think it was pure talent and wonderful skill to have been able to express so much in such a short piece!



*Note4*Plot and Setting:

This story has a wonderful plot, with great potential of bordering into something greater. I am a huge fan of murder mysteries,(though I don't really get the chance to read much) and I noticed that this can become something magnificent along those lines.

The setting was perfect for the plot. Maybe with some more description of the place where the character was questioned in would make it even more great than it already is!

*Note4*Characterization:

This is where you shine! I loved the realistic speech and the speak-thought musings. I do have a teeny suggestion though; if you could throw some light on the character's description and add some more emotions, it would be great!


*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:

*Star*I found NO mistakes/flaws at all! (I could be wrong as I am no expert, but it looked perfect to me!)*Bigsmile*



*Note4*In a nutshell:

This is by far, a great example of a great story! But I feel like prodding you to continue it.*Wink*

I missed and wondered about how the character and the setting of the place he was questioned in looked like, and I wish I knew what happened to him! *Worry*

I want to rate this a 5.0, but for now, I am giving a 4.5
I'll be happy to re-read it if you make any changes. And just for your information, this surpasses any of my stories! I really enjoyed it!




With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
11
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Review of A Mind  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Tilli <-> DotA 4eva m8


This is an HONEST review for "A Mind"  [13+]
in connection with "Invalid Item" 


*Exclaim*Please note that this review contains my suggestions and opinions. Take what you want and chuck out the rest; it's YOUR work!*Smile*

*Note4*General Comments:

WOW! What a unique piece of writing! But I am not so sure whether it should be in the "short story" items.*Confused*

This writing probes deep into the emotional roots rather than representing physical events. At times, it was a bit distracting due to the heavy vocabulary.

This is narrated in more of a poetic form; with metaphors and deep descriptions. It has a haunting, gripping feel in it. You did a great job of hooking me in by the vivid descriptions in the first paragraph.*Thumbsup*





*Star*What I liked:

*Bullet*I loved the metaphoric descriptions and the depth of the meanings in between the lines.
*Bullet*The spacing in the paragraphs were very helpful in smoothing the flow
*Bullet*Loved this line: You gave it control, you gave it your head already setup in the guillotine with one hand on the lever, ready to destroy yourself.


*Note4*Plot and Setting:

This is an unusual, fantasy-scene setting. A dark reflection into ones own mind, searching through troubles and dark brooding. There was not much of a plot, as to speak of.

The ending did evoke a spine-chilling shiver around the part where some firm claims were made towards the own self. Anyhow, for the most part; I had a bit of trouble sticking with the flow as the sentences were too complex and long. My suggestion is to split the mile-long sentences into shorter ones.



*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:

Once again, please remember that these are only my suggestions. I am no expert and I could be utterly wrong in pointing out flaws. Please forgive me for any mistakes on my behalf.

*Bullet* Consider splitting the long paragraphs into shorter ones for a better read.

*Bullet* Complex words/sentences do enhance writing; as too many simple sentences make it boring and dull. But too many complex sentences/words minimize it's quality of entertaining the reader. Maybe if you reduce the commas and shorten some sentence, it would be lots better!

*Bullet* The beginning started-off in past tense: but floated just above it as if caught in an invisible ocean of brilliance... anyhow, in between you mixed it with present tense: It makes soft tinkling as your feet move through the sea.

Consistence of proper 'tense' usage is crucial in my opinion. Some similar errors are present in the proceeding paragraphs as well.

*Bullet* [It gives off a tomblike sheen embroidering its]---> tomb-like

*Bullet*[only to find yourself rebuked by the domes self-preservation]---> dome's

If you more specific explanations, or ANY help at all, please feel free to ask. I'd love to help in anyway I can.*Smile*

*Note4*In a nutshell:

Overall, I think this has the potential of becoming something marvelous. You seem to know this imaginary world very well, but some dumb readers like me have a hard time understanding it without more explanations within the story.*Bigsmile*

I would be happy to re-read this if you consider revising. Often, the most magnificent works-of-art start-off with lots of complications. Write On with optimism and enthusiasm!*Wink*



With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*


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Review of The Best  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello OneJaguar

This is a review for
 The Best  (E)
A Fictional Bowling Story
#1307424 by OneJaguar


*Exclaim*Please remember that I have included my honest and unbiased SUGGESTIONS and OPINIONS. But you are free to cast them away or stick to them; it is YOUR work.*Smile*


*Note4*General Comments:

This was certainly a very unique story. It has an unexpected plot with a purely fictional setting. The details of the Bowling game described is very vivid and engaging. Let me share a little secret, I have NEVER bowled in my life..*Blush*, yet I could easily picture the events in my mind as if I was there!



*Note4*What I liked:*Thumbsup*

*Bullet*I loved the opening scene of the story; it hooked me in with it's wonderful narration.
*Bullet*I liked how you brought out the ambitious main character of the story.
*Bullet*The descriptions were very colorful and interesting, I was really reeled-in!
*Bullet*The fast-paced descriptions of the events in the game was informative and intriguing. It blossoms with knowledge, great work!





*Note4*Plot and Setting:

The plot revolves around an ambition, a dream and a game. It is not very diverse and strictly sticks with the main theme of the storyline. According to the fundamental idea of the story as a whole, the plot and setting were appropriate, entertaining and refreshing.

Anyhow, I have a teeny-tiny suggestion regarding the part where the main character(Dice), discovers Johnny Green (the supposedly dead man). I do understand this story topples onto the Fantasy genre- yet a bit of realism makes the story more interesting. I suggest to put a little more 'surprised emotion' into Dice's speech or actions when he magically discovers Johnny Green.

You have done a great job on describing these "surprised/shocked" emotions when the Center vanished to show only two single lanes. A similar addition to the part where Dice first encounter Johnny would enhance this great piece.

If you want me to be more specific, please do not hesitate to ask.*Smile*




*Note4*Characterization:

This is the strongest factor in your story according to my opinion. Your characters moved out of the computer screen as I read, and I thought I actually heard the dialogue between Johnny and Dice. Well done! *Bigsmile*



*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:

These are only my suggestions, and as I am no expert, I may be utterly wrong. I apologize for any mistakes on my behalf.


*Bullet*I suggest you to split the first paragraph into 2 separate ones for better flow, as one long para is a bit distracting.

*Bullet*[Dice listened to the sweet hum of the motor, and felt exhilarated]--->I think the sentence looks all right without the COMMA(,)

*Bullet*[Friday night and the center was packed]--->Consider capitalizing the 'C' in the word center; as it refers to a specific place (A proper noun).

*Bullet*[devil may care]--->place HYPHENS(-)after "devil" and "may"

*Bullet*[Barely twenty two years old Dice had rolled eighty-five perfect 300 games]--->I don't think "eighty five" needs a HYPHEN(-), while a HYPHEN seems appropriate between "twenty" and "two".

*Bullet*[more than any living person]--->Perhaps "More than anyone alive" sounds better? Consider rephrasing.

*Bullet*[Finishing his meal Dice threw]---> Consider placing a COMMA(,) between "mean" and "Dice"

*Bullet*[I can beat you man Dice thought]--->"I can beat you man" would look better either inside INVERTED COMMAS("), or you can italicize it. Also, place a COMMA after "man".

*Bullet*[“Tails” ,Johnny cried.]--->I suggest putting an EXCLAMATION MARK(!) after "tails", and deleting the COMMA

*Bullet*[“Tails.” Johnny gleefully exclaimed.]--->Similarly, an EXCLAMATION MARK would be more appropriate instead of a FULLSTOP(.)

These are all very minor glitches. As a whole, your story was good. If you need more clarification, I'll be happy to help!*Bigsmile*

*Note4*In a nutshell:

Overall, I liked your story with a unique POV. It definitly has a lot of potential to becoming something even more entertaining. With a little bit of ground work, I expect this can achieve a 5.0 rating.

Anyhow for the time-being, I'll rate this a 4.0

I will be glad to re-read it if you consider editing. Great work and Keep It Up!!!




With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*


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13
13
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi k-dizzle

Here is a review for "" The Miracle of Life"" 

*Exclaim*Please remember that these are my OPINIONS and SUGGESTIONS. Keep what you want, throw away the rest, this is YOUR work. *Smile*



*Note6*General comments:
This is a sweet, rhythmic poem constructed upon 18 lines, one stanza. I an no poetry expert myself, but this really moved me!


*Check2*What I liked:

*Bullet*Here is my favorite part of your poem!

Feeling this baby move inside,
Brings an excitement that I can't hide,
This blessing only lasts a short time,
But it is worth more a trillion dimes,
Watching my body change makes me try,
To change the world for the baby growing inside me.



*Note6*Suggestions/typos:
Actually I think your poem is excellent as it is, but there were one-or-two lines that made me pause. Here is what I think:

*Bullet*[But this life I'm bringing into this world that so conscerns me,]---> concerns
*Bullet*[I wish to change the world not for me and teach my baby,]---> I do get the significance of this verse, but it seems a bit roughly stated to suit the smooth poetic flow. Perhaps a bit shorter, with a comma inbetween? Or perhaps you can consider changing the words around a bit without changing the meaning it conveys.*Bigsmile*



I believe poetry is entitled to be unique. You have the freedom to use your own style, or a traditional style. So I see no critical problem in your poem as it is, as these are only my suggestions, it is your work!

*Note4*In a nutshell:
I really loved your poem, because it made emotions stir inside me; and I have never been pregnant either! *Smile* Your poem made me look forward to this wonderful phenomena! Except for the 2 itty-bitty rough spots, I think this poem deserves a 5.0 rating!

Therefore, for now; I am rating this a 4.5. Would love to re-read it if it's polished!
Good work!*Thumbsup*

With respect:
~6jeans~
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14
14
Review of Chaos  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Davis

*Smile*I hope you don't mind me peeking in your "Chaos"  with a review.




*Note4*General Comments:
This story left me wanting more...I loved it! This has got excellent potential of becoming a marvelous, enthralling tale. The idea and imagination you have used is very unique. With a little tweaking on the run-on sentences, you can create a wonder with this.



*Check2*What I liked:
*Bullet*I loved the beginning, it's got the 'hook' for sure!
*Bullet*The good paragraphing made it easy to read.
*Bullet*Your descriptions balanced out with the events
*Bullet*The dialogues are entertaining.


*Note4*Plot and Setting:
This story boasts a spellbinding plot. I could almost sense the strength of this imagination flowing through the words. You managed to create suspense as you described the setting and surrounding. Great work! *Thumbsup*




*Note4*Characterization:
The description and character of Travis is perfect. However, though you have developed Davis's power and inner-personality, his description is lacking. I understand this is a story in progress, but as a reader, I kept asking myself what he really looked like.



*Cut*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:
*Exclaim*Please understand that these are only my OPINIONS and SUGGESTIONS. You have a good, strong story line here, so please don't bother with my suggestions if you don't want to. Also I apologize for any mistakes/misunderstandings on my part.*Smile*

*Bullet*[Suddenly Travis was thrown off of him by some force]--->Describe this scene a bit more vividly or revise the sentence for more 'flow'.
*Bullet*[As he walked his long]--->Place a comma(,) between 'walked' and 'his'
*Bullet*[lightened in till]--->The word 'in' seems inappropriate here.
*Bullet*[right hand strait out]--->straight
*Bullet*[Then he noticed. His clothes were covered in a red substance]--->Instead of a full-stop after 'noticed', separate the sentences with a semi-colon(;) or a hyphen(-)
*Bullet*[hoping what he knew was there would in fact not be]--->Actually I liked this sentence and I don't find anything critically wrong with it, yet it is a bit confusing...
*Bullet*[direction he has going]--->was
*Bullet*[“from the orphanage!” ]--->Consider placing a hyphen(-) or a break(...) before the beginning of this phrase; as this is a continuation of another sentence.
*Bullet*[which he assumed everyone was in]--->Where
*Bullet*[The way he came]--->'Way' could also mean the manner in which he came, to avoid confusion use something like "path" instead.

If you need more clarification for my suggestions, please do not hesitate to ask, I would be honored to help with such a talented piece of work!

*Gift5*In a nutshell:
Usually complex, good writings have lots of mistakes; as the writer is more focused on the plot and character than boring grammar and punctuation.*Wink*

But overall, this deep story has few mistakes compared to it's contents. I would love to re-read and re-review if you consider editing it.

For now, I am rating this a 4.0




With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*


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15
15
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jetman

Here is a review for "Friendly and Forgotten" 

*Exclaim*Please remember that these are my OPINIONS and SUGGESTIONS. Keep what you want, throw away the rest, this is YOUR work. *Smile*



*Note6*General comments:
This is a short poem, 3 stanzas and a rhyming pattern. It has the repetitions of it's main title, which makes it an enjoyable read. With some work on the spellings, it'll be a wonderful poem.



*Check2*What I liked:

*Bullet*I liked the repetitions of the line:[I am friendly and forgotten.]
*Bullet*I loved this metaphoric verse:[I touch the sky with tears that never end.]
*Bullet*You have done a good job of conveying the message of loneliness in very few lines, great job!*Thumbsup*


*Note6*Suggestions/typos:
*Bigsmile*Very few innocent typos.

*Bullet*[I feel lost and pian,]--->I wonder if it is loss instead of "lost"; pain instead of "pian"
*Bullet*[I am all alone hear]--->here?
*Bullet*[I am frendly and forgotten.]--->friendly(last line)



I believe poetry is entitled to be unique. You have the freedom to use your own style, or traditional style. So I found no problem in this simple, yet meaningful poem.

*Note4*In a nutshell:
This is something like I would have wrote too!- so, you can guess how much I liked it!*Wink*. Overall, this has a wonderful flow, and carefully chosen words. But it also has the potential of becoming a longer piece, which may make this poem even better than it already is! Just a suggestion.

Therefore I am rating this a 4.0. Would love to re-read it once it's edited!

*Check*Good work!

With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*

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16
16
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (5.0)
WOW, thank you so much for all the wonderful tips!

I am sure lots of people here in WDC can benefit from this. It points out all the necessary things a review should contain. This item also guides us to lots of other helpful items about reviewing by WDC members.

I also loved your prodding with the emoticons...to keep us interested as we learned something useful.*Smile*

I totally agree about the "kindness" bit, it's a factor missing in a lot of otherwise good reviews.

I hope to give and receive better reviews after your kind help!

Thank you on behalf of a lot of members out there! (sometimes people may be just too lazy to say it.*Wink*)

*Note*I specially urge the newcomers to follow these advices and tips! It'll make you shine as a reviewer in no time!

Sincerely;
*Flower3*~6jeans~
17
17
Review of Melody Of Words  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello

This is a review for your chapter: "Melody Of Words" 
I hope you found this review helpful and constructive. If you need any more help, please feel free to mail me, and I'll do what I can.

*Exclaim*NOTE: I am not an expert myself, and I apologize for any mistakes/misunderstandings from my side. This is my honest review of your work, and I have included my suggestions, and opinions. Please remember that they are ONLY my suggestions, this is entirely your work, so accept what you need and throw away the rest.*Bigsmile*




*Note4*General Comments:

This is a story about a girl who aspires to become a writer, and I think lots of members here can relate to the main character. Though it has got room to improve with a little bit of editing, it is still an enjoyable tale, and I was trapped in it till the very end.


*Note4*What I liked:

*Bullet*I noticed that this writer has got the talent of stringing appropriate dialogues while maintaining the setting, pace and plot of the story. The speeches balance well with the descriptions and events.
*Bullet*The characters are described well, and it easily paints the picture in the readers mind.
*Bullet*I think the theme of the story is very interesting.*Smile*
*Bullet*I loved the simile: "like an awestruck nymph staring up at her idol goddess, surrounded in a cloud of smoke ."
*Bullet*I loved how you subtly added the background information on the characters. It fed my curiosity as I was reading.




*Note4*Plot/Setting/"Hook":
There is a hint of an interesting plot brewing in this first chapter. The setting of the story compliments the theme and situations described very well.

I am confident that the beginning of the story can be made a little bit more interesting than it already is. Somehow, it didn't "hook" me that well at first, but things started getting interesting from the second paragraph onwards.

The ending of this chapter did it's job of leaving me curious to find out what happened next. I really enjoyed the vivid description of how Stephanie lighted the cigarette. That was mt favorite scene. Good job!




*Note4*Characterization:

I love the great characterization. All the characters seemed very real to me.

Perhaps you could elaborate more on what the main character looks like at some point, other than that, you have done an excellent job of displaying the emotional speculation of Madison,the main character.

Madison's friend, Alexa's character painted a very bright picture in my mind. Her personality is wonderfully expressed through her actions and words, and of course, by the short, precise explanations.




*Note4*Technical(Grammar/Vocab/Typos) & Suggestions:
Please don't be discouraged by the size of the list below; most of them are my suggestions.


*Bullet*The paragraphs would look better if there was a bit more space left in-between them.

*Bullet*[Madison Rose sat in her desk in her first..]*Right* at

*Bullet*[ten straight minutes..]*Right* ten,straight-minutes.

*Bullet*[She never knew that a few single off white pieces of paper offering her a chance at a full scholarship to Manhattan's prestigious Pengham’s Writer’s Institute could be so bittersweet.]*Right*This sentence is too long, and there is no comma to pause. Consider putting commas at appropriate places, and use hyphen: "off-white"


*Bullet*Italicize the following paragraph, as it directly displays a document the main character is viewing. I also recommend to remove the "...etc", as it makes the writing look weak. Just a suggestion

1.What writer's conventions have you been able to take part in?
2. Have you been able to intern or work for any current writers?
3. Can any of these writers write a letter of recommendation for you?
...etc.

*Bullet*Here are some sentences that need commas. If you are using more than one adjective, separate them using commas.Please do not hesitate to ask if you want more specific clarifications.
*[...Famous young adult fiction writer over the summer...]
*[...any extra expenses thanks to her...]
*[...Twain Academy was because or her terrific academic standing... ]
*[...full paid tuition bonus...]
*[...the tan skinned girl...]


*Bullet*[Should she just get straight to the point or beat around the bush? How should she word her questions? These thoughts...]*Right*Previously, you had italicized the "thoughts" of the main character. I suggest to do the same in this sentence.

*Bullet*[It felt weird to]*Right*Consider using the word "had". As this line states an action that had once been different than at the time of the narrative. Example:It had felt weird to..

*Bullet*[Her mother rebelled]*Right*same here: Her mother had rebelled

*Bullet*[conversation go good]*Right*well

*Bullet*[By making her laugh she felt a bit loosened up]*Right* This line makes it sound as if Madison had made someone else laugh. But I assume Stephanie was making Madison laugh.
I would suggest altering the sentence to something like this: After Stephanie made her laugh, Madison loosened up a bit.
(I might have misunderstood what you intended to imply, if I was wrong, please throw away the suggestion.)*Smile*



*Note4*In a nutshell:

Overall, this was a very entertaining story. You managed to make the events/characters seem very realistic to me. The scenes played out nicely in my mind. With a bit of proper paragraphing and some ground work, I predict that this can become a spectacular story.

Therefore, I'll rate this: 4.0

I hope to read the proceeding chapters soon! Please do not hesitate to mail me anytime! You are a very creative writer.

Write On!


With respect:
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*


This is a review in connection with the "Expose Yourself Now!"  and "Gifting For Reviews" 
18
18
Review of Reviewer's Club  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello;

Here is my review for the item:
Reviewer's Club  (E)
Review for my contests. You choose the contest.
#1006606 by Pass it on


*Note6*First Impression:

In my opinion,this is a very organized and helpful reviewing group.

The explanations/instructions are very clear and comprehensive. The usage of careful, selective words immediately impresses the reader and captures the attention.


*Note6*How did this interest me?:

*Note*First I'd like to note the use of varying colors for each category makes it more understandable.

*Note*The paragraphing and spacing provided better guidance and clarity.

*Note*The usage of few emoticons cheered up the page to make it more entertaining.

*Note*The added benefits and perks which are listed are very generous and attractive. Good hook, to reel in more members!



*Note6*Overall:

I detected no flaws/mistakes in grammar,spelling or vocabulary,(I am no expert so I may be wrong. *Smile*)
and I genuinely liked it.

Therefore, I rate this Group: 5.0



With respect;
*Flower3*~6jeans~ *Flower3*

Reviewer's Club
19
19
Review of Broken Wings  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello 1294516

A wonderful, unique poem with 5 stanza, 4 verses each.

There is a subtle rhythmic pattern and wonderful imagery with a selection of simple words.

The poem flowed very well, there is a hint of metaphor use in the last line:

"Yesterday has flown away
On tired broken wings"

Loved it!

Each stanza described a bit more than the other about this old woman, and that trapped me in the poem with interest. The descriptions played out nicely in my mind, I really saw her pushing the trolley.

My favorite stanza is:

"Sandwich in a paper bag
A bench for an address
Silent screams, forgotten dreams
Lay broken, in a mess"

Wonderful work! I really enjoyed it.
20
20
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi And Stuff

This is a review of your poem:
 I think I met an angel  (E)
just a short poem about a friend of mine
#1149040 by And Stuff


*Note6*This is a cute, free verse poem, 3 stanzas, 3 verses each.

This poem reflects upon a 'friend' who had touched a life, somehow, and is described as an angel. I loved the idea/theme of this poem, and the poetic pattern is unique. The repetition of the first stanza leaves a strong impression on the reader, as the words show that a small action had meant a lot to someone.

*Note6*Some suggestion. these are entirely my opinions of your work, take it, or leave it as you please, it's your work *Smile*

*Note* The last line of each stanza, seems too long to suit the style of how you started. The long length of these versus interrupt the flow of the poem.

I suggest to split it into more stanzas and alter the wordings a bit, without losing the meaning you want to convey. The tone of the poem is already good.

*Note*This poem leaves the reader a bit confused. What did the friend do? How does he/she become an 'angel'? Why is the writer unsure?

The bottom line is, a poem is entitled to be unique. Which means, there can be hidden meanings/secrets behind each and every line. It is not a must to explain everything you wrote, therefore, the reader can only guess.

It is your poem, and you choose what to include and what not to include. In this sense, The poem is wonderful. The writer seems to hold onto the secrets to make us readers more curious! *Laugh*

Overall, good read. It was a simple, nice poem, and it has the potential of becoming something stronger.

Great work! write on!

With respect,
~6jeans~



21
21
Review of I: Wraith  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jaeramee of the Free Folk ,

I couldn't help tweaking around this original writing. Here is my honest feedback with my suggestions,which you could take or leave as you please.




*Note*General Comments:
I can describe your story in one word:captivating.
Your rich imagination has woven a vivid, enthralling story. This piece displays lots of effort and thinking. I loved it.


*Note*Grammar,Typos & Vocab:
There are few mistakes that may need attending.
Mostly you seem to have used past tense narration, and the pace is quiet good.
Sometimes the sentences are too long, and it takes a while for the reader to catch on. If you could maybe shorten some long sentences and use some more paragraphing, it may be lots better. Otherwise, it is a bit distracting.
(Of course, not that I am an expert, I could be utterly wrong *Smile*)


*Check*[Thick shadows clung to the spiring Oaks] spring?
*Check*[Upon entering an clearing within the wood] a?
*Check*[...in nervousness as the encased spehere slowly] sphere?
*Check*["Then he is among us again?" Her eyebrows lowering into a straight line.]lowered?
*Check*[He had also became suspicious upon hearing of the Chancellor's plans]become?
*Check*[...and a weak fire lighting the stuffy room] lit? to be honest, am not sure whether it's "lit" or "lighted", still "lighting" seems to be odd.
*Check*[Feina asked, wher eyes twinkling from within the dark hollows]her?
*Check*[He took a moment to regather himself.] maybere-gather?
*Check*[Why had he suddenly found her attractive? He couldn't.] There is an abrupt halt in this sentence. It seems to be incomplete.
*Check*[The old woman's teaching.] teachings


*Note*Plot & Background:
This is by all means, a story of supernatural fantasy. The plot here is believable and logical. The center of the story seems to revolve around a magical stone, and Ghadrik sounds like he could be an important character. The person hunting the stone and the old woman protecting it, ties up the tension in the plot. Though this is only a part of your story, it already leaves an impression on the reader.

Anyhow, the part where Ghadrik starts finding Khameris attractive, seems to be a rather abrupt turn in the heavy plot.Otherwise, I think you have planned out this story quiet well. This is only my opinion.



*Note*Characterization:
All your characters are very strong and vividly described. Specially the old woman, her personality is something the readers can quickly empathize with.

I have to say, Khameris is my favorite character. She seems almost real and her descriptions are more than others. In my opinion, I think there should be a balance in describing the character. I found very little on Ghadrik.



*Note*Setting:
This story is narrated from deep imaginations. I have to say the names are catchy. The years are described as "summers", and the path the three characters were walking on played out in my mind,nicely. You are definitely very talented in this section.



*Note*Dialogue:
The dialogues reel in the reader, and explains a little bit more about the personalities involved her. They are precise, realistic and understandable.

But I am slightly confused with Feina's wordings here:
[Come. He's trying to overtake the Rhuk. We must be quick." Feina spoke with an urgency never heard by her two followers before.]

How does she know he is "overtaking" the Rukh? I believe this old woman has mystical powers, it would be more entertaining if the reader could have a hint of how she discovers that "he" is overtaking the creature described as Rukh.


*Note*Use of Description:
I have to say this is the best part of the story: your wonderful descriptions. The descriptions of the characters, the stone, the creature and setting immediately starts to play out in the readers mind. But as I mentioned before, I think a bit more on Ghadrik would do wonders.

The description I liked best is:

[Raindrops, small and glistening with the sudden availability of light from the moons, rolled down and off the black feathered creature as it stirred restlessly. Silver beady eyes watched the group with growing interest, tilting its head slightly. Its massive talons held the yielding earth in its grasp as if it were prey. The older woman seemed unfazed by the sheer mass of the giant bird; she couldn't afford any distractions. A shallow cry escaped the Rhuk's curved beak.]

Very entertaining! Well done!




*Note*Beginning:

Your begging has got the "hook". I am very lazy, and often shy away from long pieces. *Laugh* Yet, I found myself caught like bait on the opening paragraph. I assume it is your vivid descriptions that tied me into your story.

I loved the sentence: [Fragile, thin fingers gently rubbed over the silken sphere as it pulsed with energy— struggling to escape and reunite with its true bearer.]



*Note*End:
The ending did the job. It made me realize I was holding my breath and now, I am dying of curiosity. Questions filled my mind, and as a reader, I give you full credit to have been able to make me want to skip on to the next part of this story.

The slow building up of tension, the suspense of the person following it, who finally made it there: it left me somewhat scared and worried about Feina.


*Note*Cliché Watch :
I found no cliché whatsoever. I don't know about the rest of the story, but I hope Ghadrik doesn't turn out to be a hero to protect Khameris, a damsel in distress. I am not making any assumption or stating a fact, just an opinion.


*Note*Rating & Overall Impression: This story deserves a 4.5 rating. Yet owing to the typos, and some technical errors, I'll rate it as 4.0

I think this is an amazing story, and it is sure has got the potential of bordering into something much more greater, with a bit of editing. Try reading it out loud, in a strangers point of view. I look forward to read the completed story.

Thank you for sharing!

With respect;
~6jeans~


22
22
Review of Forged in Winter  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now this, is what i call, true poetry! I love metaphoric poems that are like mysteries to us readers, as we try to guess the "hidden" meaning underneath the words.

You poem wasn't overdone, with complex sentences and complicated words. On an average vocabulary level, you carried out the poetic rythm very smoothly.

I found no flaws with your piece, and the descriptions made me see interesting images as I read on.

Great work! keep it up!!
23
23
Review of Bubba  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi!

This is a participant in the "Maugh's Peer Review Contest", and here's my review for "Bubba".

I liked this factual, yet sweet story of a dog. The tone and flow of the story made Bubba seem so real, and it is almost like I could see him.

I loved the descriptions, and the organized structure of the events that took place in the dog's life. You cleverly managed to make the reader see Bubba and learn about his life in very short, simple, yet articulate words.

Great work! And good luck!
24
24
Review of Oh War and Peace  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is with connection to the contest:

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1270380 by Not Available.


Your poetic style flowed with the rhyming words. The title was a bit typical, yet the contents of this poem worked well.

Personal opinions aside, I found no mistake with your poem.

Though this verse caught my eye:

"My pervading thought was family and you."

I admit, poetry is free, and punctuation isn't a necessity. yet, since you have used some punctuation, this could be better as:

"My pervading thoughts were family and you."
as this addresses two thoughts.

Overall, I liked your poetic style, and enjoyed it.

Great work, and good luck!
25
25
Review of Heartbreak  
Review by ~6jeans~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice piece, a poem that displays it's depth with complex words.

It is a different style, and I see you have put in a lot of effort and thought. Yet from my experience, I gathered it makes the work more professional with simpler words and deep meanings.

In my opinion, metaphors make the poems more alive, which is why I liked the stanza:

So, today I spread my wings
And stand at the edge of Life….
Where freedom beacons.
And I see nothing but what lies ahead,
And I feel nothing but the light on my visage.

I have been often found guilty of "trying too hard to rhyme"

Rhyming is fun, and as I believe, gives a nice touch to poetry, anyhow, the tone is sometimes a little forced here.

It is good, but try reading it aloud and see if it can be improved.

Great work! You are talented!!
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