Hi Eogin . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around !

After reading "The Contractor"  that I found on the Review Requests page, I have the following comments to offer. Please note that these are my personal reactions and observations. I acknowledge that this is your story and you should remain true to it.

Overall Impression:

         You have asked for my comments in relation to this being a contest entry. Firstly, I wish you all the best in that.
         I enjoyed the story as it is one of my favorite genres and therefore the images you were creating were familiar to me.

Characters:

         Your two main characters, Maya and ?? (I do not see who your other main character is) are well defined and it was easy for me to picture both of them. The dialogue that you used was consistent with the characters. Well done.

Plot:

         From my understanding, the plot was one of post-apocalyptic Earth where there is a cleanup crew intent on getting away from this job. Evidently, he succeeds and is awarded a new posting.
         I was a little hard-pressed to identify the key climactic point of the story, although I would assume that it is where he receives notification that he is going to a new, better location.

Description:

         Your descriptions in the story are succinct and to the point. That is well done as you are able to keep the story moving forward throughout. Well done.

Title, Description, Beginning, and End:

         The title to your story is fitting and I was able to reference it a couple of times through reading the story to understand the underlying premise of your story. Also, the title is nice and short that makes it memorable.
         The description of your story probably could do with a bit of a rewrite. Even though this is a contest entry, I think that we probably need to look at using this space to entice readers to read the story. Sort of like an elevator pitch for the story. It will also probably give you an opportunity to set some of the scene for the reader prior to them reading the story.
         I also wonder whether the first two paragraphs are really the true start of your story, or is it when your main character comes out onto the roof. I know it is important to ensure that the setting is properly detailed, but this could have been incorporated into the narrative later on. Questions I would be asking is why the roof and not the ground?
         Your ending certainly concluded the story on a positive note and I am assuming the reference there was to Star Trek.

         Finally, I would like to say that I enjoyed this story and appreciate that you have given me the opportunity to provide my opinion on it. However, remember that it is your story and I would encourage you to keep going. All the best for the contest.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around

Hi Dragon is hiding . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around !

After reading "The Existence of Humans"  that I found while browsing your portfolio, I have the following comments to offer. Please note that these are my personal reactions and observations. I acknowledge that this is your story and you should remain true to it.

Overall Impression:
         I was certainly intrigued by the story and found it and enjoyable quick read. I also enjoyed the premise of the story and its brevity.

Characters:
         I enjoyed the way you ensured that the story did not become too confusing by means of keeping the cast small. It provided me with a clear understanding of each character and what their role was in the story. I do wonder though what the impact would be if there was a little more differentiation between the characters to reinforce their own uniqueness.

Dialogue:
         Your story included a great deal of dialogue and it was this dialogue that propelled the story forward. You also included some key speaking tags that allowed me to remain aware of who was speaking the whole time. This helped to ensure that I did not lose my place in the story.
         

Plot:
         I struggled a little with the plot of the story. I definitely felt that the story was moving somewhere and I was looking forward to seeing where you were going to take us. I understand that you wanted to create an unexpected ending through having the Professor sit down with the book and ask a question, but I am a little perplexed as to why he would do that? Having chased the two characters, I would have expected him to be ushering them back to the party, but he does not. I would also wonder about the why of the story.

Description:
         I think that this story can be improved through reviewing some of the descriptions you have provided. I did not get a sense of what the hall looked like, so I found myself drifting a little in the netherworld, unless that is where I was meant to be. Also, you indicated that there was a ghost and a ghoul, but I wonder what they looked like. My impression of them would be different to yours and why would they need clothing? I also wondered whether the hall was lighted or in darkness, or maybe there was a green hue or purple designer shapes?

Title, Description, Beginning, and End:
         I think that your story did have a good structure to it. There was a clear beginning and ending. I thought the title could possibly find a refresh rewarding as it is currently a little matter of fact. Something to pique the interest of the reader might be more suitable.

         Once again, thank you for making your story available. If you desire, I will be happy to provide a further review if you choose.



abcoachnz-Sometimes around

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Hi JessCarsen . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "My Aunt is Bonkers"  that I found on the Reviewing page, I have the following comments to offer. lease note that these are my personal impressions.

Overall Impression:

As a personal story directed to your diary, I found the narrator's voice strong and clear. You were also able to demonstrate some strong non-verbal feelings through the story that added to the suspense of the story.

Suggestions:

My only recommendation would be to have a look at the words you are using. I wonder whether you could engender more sympathy from the reader through word choice,

could be rewritten as:


What I Like:

I enjoyed the brevity of the story and the way you were able to get to the climax of the story without sacrificing narrative.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around

Hi Vixey Todd . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "Debt Collection" , I have the following comments to offer. Please note that these are my personal reactions to your story and as such, you are free to accept my comments or not.

Overall Impression:
         I found that there was a lot going on in this story with a large number of scenes. It did ensure that the story kept moving forward. I also enjoyed having to rely on my own imagination to keep focused on the story and to maintain an awareness of what was taking place all through the story.

Suggestions:
         In total, I counted 7 characters that played a part in your story. Given the length of your story and the resulting brevity you needed to give each character, I felt that the cast was possibly too much. I would recommend either looking to trim the cast back or to expand the story so that you could develop the characters a little more. Questions relating to each character's motivation in the story would help me understand why they are there.
         With all the action taking part in the story, I felt that there was an over-reliance on telling rather than showing. Some of the scenes in the story were covered off in a couple of paragraphs and in the end I do wonder whether the story would be adversely affected if they were eliminated from the story. For example, the drive from Dillon's house to William's house.
         In parts through the story I was a little confused about which POV you were using, causing me to be taken out of the story as I tried to figure out who I needed to be concerned about at that point. For example, the paragraph that starts, "Anna attempted to curl into a tight ball, ..." speaks firstly about Anna and then moves onto Bubba. I suggest using scene breaks to indicate to the reader that they are on a new POV.
         I would suggest that you review the opening paragraph of your story. After the initial sentence that sets the scene, you then provide several sentences of backstory that could possibly be incorporated as sub-text through the dialogue that transpires between the father and Anna. This would, in my opinion, help to increase the stakes of the story.

What I Like:
         I read this story because I was intrigued by the premise of the story. I also think that you have managed to include some nice action scenes into the story that can certainly help to increase the tension of the story. I think that I was certainly kept reading the story to the end is evidence for me that I was interested in seeing what happened next.

         Once again, thank you for sharing this story with me and I hope to see a lot more from you in the future. Also, if you do edit this story, I would be more than happy to revisit my feedback and provide you with an update.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around

Hi J.N. Moore . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "Colours of Space"  that I discovered on the search pages, I have the following comments to offer:

Overall Impression:
         The language used throughout this piece was hard to comprehend and this slowed me down. I understand that the effect was to utilize the voice of academic, medical practitioners. However, I needed to pause and focus on each word separately in order to understand the piece, detracting from the potential enjoyment of, what was effectively a horror story in the flavor of Frankenstein.
         There were some places where I enjoyed the humor that had been created, complimented by the use of the language. This humor was, I believe, subtle and used to quite nice effect in places.

Suggestions:
         My main suggestion here would be to work on developing a smoother flow to the narrative. The reliance on long words and academic-speak resulted, for me, in a narrative that I found hard to follow.
         I wonder whether these are his personal journal entries or whether it is meant to be a scientific repository of observations. If the former, then I would like to see more of his personal feelings coming through in the form of natural language. If the latter, then I would not expect the descriptions that were used (eg. lie, on that flat, surgical-cold table)

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
         In general, I found the punctuation and grammar to be reasonable, even though I do not profess to be particularly knowledgeable in this area. There were some parts where I was not sure of whether it was your deliberate action to create the images or whether there was a break in the grammar rules, but I have highlighted some of them as follows:
Once embalmed with the essence of her stillborn life, my darling Patricia will once more stay in the company of her once warm breath.
Propped up against the surgical table, Patricia was now next to as alive as she would ever be
My body fell back and onto the floor in amazement.

Conclusion:
         I certainly found this story interesting and was eager to read through to the end to see what would transpire. I certainly commend you with the effort that you made in creating this story and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

         Please note that these are my personal views and you are free to accept or not any of the observations made.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around

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