Rhyme: very well scripted. My eyes and mind followed the rhythm quite well.
Flow: the poem proceeded smoothly, and there was no distraction from the topic.
Punctuation: I noticed you didn't use any commas, even though you started each sentence with a capital letter. Commas (or semicolons, if you prefer) help to break the points more easily for the reader.
Overall, the poem gave us, the readers, a glimpse into the life of a youthful girl who loves to party. I could see all the scenes you painted for us without much difficulty.
Its a very brief poem about a broken promise, and regret over believing in the promise in the first place.
The words, as brief as they are, actually capture a myriad of emotions, aptly. I can feel the anguish, the regret of the writer, the loneliness, and the self-loathing for trusting the one who broke the promise.
It was beautifully written.
Thank you for sharing!
This was beautifully written.
I felt the anguish of the loss of the twins, knew the nonchalance about being pregnant again, and the husband's lack of attention.
I felt the despair after the birth, the agony of not being able to hold the newborn, of not knowing what could result.
I felt the connection when she finally carried Cara and the joy she felt that Cara was alright.
This story shook me.
It shook me because I did not expect the twist.
I am glad to report that there were no typos or errors, which made the words fly by faster for me.
I feel the ending was rather abrupt though.
Overall, the story was great.
Thank you for sharing!
Imagery: Well planned. It is in line with what we would expect from Santa Claus, what with the elves and the toy packaging and wrapping.
Arrangement: Free style. I like that you spaced out each paragraph and the dialogue properly.
Content: Somehow this was expected - all that sugar he has been eating was bound to catch up. Capturing that, and the loving wife's antics, makes lots of sense to me. I enjoyed it.
What I would change: I wouldn't!
Thanks for sharing!
Hi there!
I think the reader will benefit more if you use paragraphs and indents within your entry.
This line - "I think in society kids at twelve, kids have..." has an unneeded repetition of the word 'kids'. It would read better as - "I think in society, kids at twelve have a pretty good idea of what it is..."
Thanks for sharing!
Beautifully written.
Grammatical errors: none that I can find
Prose: lovely. I bet this can be used as lyrics to a song, but then that is what a Psalm is, isn't it?
I'd say you achieved your aim.
Thank you for sharing.
Once upon a time there was a girl called Ade. She almost got raped by her boyfriend, and as a result, began dating someone she had known for years, that she felt she could trust. He was alright, but for some reason, kept her hidden from his family until they began planning their wedding. They had a fairy tale wedding. African families tend to emphasize procreation, so it was no surprise that after two years, the pressures to have a child began increasing from his mother. Everyday, the mother-in-law would find ways to make her life miserable, to make her cry. Eventually Ade developed a thick skin, and learnt to avoid the woman as much as possible. After four years, she was introduced to another specialist hospital, and she met an elderly doctor, who inspired hope for Ade and her husband. she finally held her child in her arms, a son. However, her mother in-law merely intensified the war and did not even care whether her own son lived or died in the process.One day, Ade began to bleed terribly. She bled and bled for ten days, before her husband could get her to the hospital, where they saved her life, and demanded that she be admitted to rest. She pleaded to return to her own family for proper care. Because of that, she went home to her parents, and when they saw how she was, they got extremely angry. They continued to take care of her. Until finally, she got well again.
Some authors and writers will forever be evergreen and timeless. Dr. Seuss is one of them.
Review: I found no typographical errors. I however feel that the beginning of the write-up could use a little spacing out, to accomodate easier reading.
Thanks for sharing!
I enjoyed the dialogue. I can relate to the daughter in the dialogue. I like the way a whole lot is expressed, without having to add any detail. It still makes sense.
Here are the slips I picked up:
"They will you feed you, pleeese!" [will feed you]
"I’m sorry… look after you eat I’m going home, ok? I’m tired… been here all day." [...look, after you eat...]
I enjoyed the narration.
The separation you used was helpful, and it would only help more if the last long section was split into two or three as well, especially after Bub got news of the bank account, the Vietnam war, his actions with the money, and his return to the nursing home.
Thank you for sharing
Hello, the minute I saw 'Western Africa' I was compelled to gobble it all up, as I live there. Here are a few things I suggest you change:
...in Western part of Africa -> in the Western part of Africa, or in Western Africa
was there superstition -> was their superstition.
According to their lore, here lived...
They called it a Pocachah, which means...
had its beak lined with sharp...
that was then relayed to the people.
With the interpreter's acceptance of the offer, they prepeared the items they would need for the hunt.
and heard the hoot of owls in the trees.
"Stay alert,"
The further they went in, the colder it became.
He turned around to retreat...
They went deeper into the depths of the cave.
...and Waikiki shot once more....
....shrieking like a deep-voiced banshee, then it went still.
....Waikiki's clothres lay on the cave floor, with a small bleeding rodent crawling out from under them.
You did not finish your story, and I'm sure I'm not the only one curious: What happened to the dead Pocachah? Did Dr. Pierce pay Waikiki's family the money he earned?
I am hooked. I have bitten the bait - hook, line and sinker.
You better finish this one BD. Wrap it all up in a book so I can order from Nigeria!
Thanks for sharing!
Off to read the others.
Beautiful! I love how you wrapped the supernatural into the ordinary daily life of an old woman.
Except for putting blank lines between the paragraphs, I can find nothing to correct.
Review: brilliant story. Brought tears to my eyes. I realize that Ze needed to be happy before she could pass on.
Touching.
Thank you for sharing.
I like the ending, but I advise you do a lot of editing.
I will rush off with some pointers:
Derek's sword: where did it come from?
The prophecy: what exactly was the prophecy?
Drug me off: dragged me off
Amelia staying close at my feet: Was Derek sitting down for this to be possible? I suspect you meant 'Amelia stayed close behind me'
Powerful, poignant words...
I am right there, in the writer's mind...
And honestly, this is where I am actually. Still, I hang on.
Review: If I would add/edit anything at all, it would be to:
- add 'The' at the very beginning, and,
- add a blank line just before 'A grand sight stretches out before me,'.
Otherwise its beautiful poetry.
Thank you for sharing
Nice and descriptive. I suggest that you add a blank line above the second 'if you have the time'. Or even space out the whole poem? That way, your thoughts will be in chunks that the reader can assimilate in segments. Its easier to read that way, in my opinion.
Thank you for sharing!
This was a fantastic read! I enjoyed every bit of it - I can relate to Lina in so many ways. Wishing there was more, a part 2 or something.
Could not even find an error to correct.
Great work!
Awesome read! I enjoyed the conversational tone.
I think it would be better if you put in a little bit of facial expressions and mannerisms though.
An example would be: "So she sneeze kisses you?" Gracie grimaced in distaste. "Gross".
Beautiful rendition. I love how you were able to narrate the story, and mimic ol'Moses, accent and all, and still get back to Mike and Robby without losing the reader.
And the lesson was captured well - I even understood the concept of horse racing with the little descriptions you put there.
Thanks for sharing
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