To begin with I would like to say this is a very intriguing story to read. Your vivid detail at the start launches the reader into Keiran's world and stands behind her every step of the way.
Your initial story line is well thought through, twists in the right places and enough information for your readers to continue reading into chapter 1.
Just a few little critiques, nothing major. You have a few spelling mistakes. It seems as though you were living the story yourself as you were writing it. So your mind was working faster than your fingers at the time leaving letters out of words and capital letters missed. As I said nothing major. "walked to the bed. She ran her fingers"".It was in one of these that she ran". There are a few more in there, a quick read over should be able to pick them up. A technique which I was taught was to read your story backwards. It removes the familiarity of the story and allows you to read each word.
Another little thing, you like the words "THAT" and "VERY". You have used them a bit. There are a few places where you could possible remove them. At some points they slow the story down, which you have managed to create a decent pace. "She stepped into the park and very soon was"
Just read over it and see what you think. If you need any more help then feel free to ask.
You requested a review, so here I am. Just to let you know I haven't been reviewing for a long time so I am still a little shaky. So thank you for this opportunity
First, I would just like to say well done. The idea and plot behind this story is well thought through and unique. It was a remarkable story to read. Twists mingled into the story, all done quite effectively. To have the story written as the voice of a tree, then a piece of timber, was creative genius. So again, well done.
One thing I did notice while reading through the story was your use of the word 'that'. I myself have trouble with this troublesome word as well. While I was writing it always seemed to fit and make sense in my writing but when you read it in other people's writing it seems out of place.
Most of the time you can remove that word 'that' and still have the sentence making sense. Just for example "As a child, I was told that if I was naughty that I would never get out of the forest and that I would fall over and rot." Would then be "As a child, I was told that if I was naughty I would never get out of the forest and I would fall over and rot.". Just makes it read a little smoother. There are a few other 'that's' which you could possible remove as well.
Here is a link which will probably explain it a little better then I have "Invalid Item"
Apart from that it was a well written story. I noticed a few possible grammatical errors but I myself am significantly flawed in that aspect of writing and probably wouldn't help in my commenting. A good way to try to suss out these grammatical errors is to read the story out loud to yourself. You will then get a feel for the placing of commas and periods.
Well constructed story, I enjoyed reading it. Hopefully will read more of your work soon.
Hey Kyle.
This is a really good start to a book. The idea behind it definitely has the readers wanting more when they get to the end of the chapter. Congratulations on your talent. And that you have been going since 8th.
Your grammar and spelling are quite competent, from what I can gather. My grammar isn't all that good so if there is any mistakes I probably would have just skimmed over it and made the same mistake in my own writing.
One little thing that you might consider, some of your descriptions are a little brief. Maybe expanding on them a bit would entice and draw the readers into the story making them invest in the characters.
"Her hair was long, straight and brown. Her eyes were a deep wonderful brown." Something like this is what I mean. It is just a friendly suggestion. One thing I have learnt from the WdC community is that writing should be shown not told. This would also bring a bit of depth and length to your writing. Now I have only read the prologue and haven't seen the rest of your writing.
As I said just a bit of a suggestion.
But again, you have a talent here, learn as much as you can from this website. Must now continue reading. Chapter 1 here I come.
I saw your post in the Coffee Lounge and thought I might drop past to read a bit. You sounded quite interesting in your post and your bioblock. Your story has portrayed this thoroughly. Not that it is a bad thing or anything, it is quite good. Not many writers write as one with the pages, your writing is quite interesting as well.
To begin with I would like to complement you on your plot line. It was constructed very creatively, the occasional flashbacks to enlighten the audience of the back story of characters was done quite effectively. And the ending, I did not see that coming, the killing part yes, the step brother, nice twist.
I am not one of perfection with grammar or punctuation, actually I am fairly poor in that aspect of story writing. However, saying this there did seem to be a few awkward moments in your writing. The advice that I have been given is to read your story aloud, it might assist in finding places which need to be altered.
One thing that I thought could be changed though is your repetition. I understand the idea behind it and the purpose you want it to serve but you go a little overboard. It loses the audience after a while. You need to find the balance between the repetition and going insane.
anyway I think I have said my two cents worth.
Thank you for a great story
HAHA
I normally don't like poems but something made me stop and read this one.
I was laughing all of the way through it. I am not much of a poetic writer, and I will not pretend to know the correct structure of a poem, however, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I think the main reason why is because I am one of these people of who you speak. So yes I was laughing at myself.
Nonetheless, great poem.
P.S. I reread this review to make sure their were none of your pet peeves in it
you are such an exceptional writer. I still cannot believe the quality of work that you are able to achieve.
Your stories seem to be a little bit on the dark side, but you have a way of writing that makes it subtler than when people normally write dark stories.
still freakin amazing. i still wish i had the ability to write like you.
you can check out my work if you want to. now that i have been reading work like yours mine don't seem to be as well written or exciting anymore. but yeah there are a few pieces up there. Beginning is the most recent.
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A good way to try to suss out these grammatical errors is to read the story out loud to yourself. You will then get a feel for the placing of commas and periods.