the general aim of my review is to engage with this piece of writing. I look at the HOW of the WHAT to try to understand and appreciate it through its construction; acknowledging I am limited, by the author, through its structure to a field of meaningful possibilities ... and seeing the process (of criticism) as more important/significant than its final outcome or (my) position.
grammar & language
pointe - should be pointy
lustre - should be luster
nightbirds - should be night birds
the glory of moonlight’s lustre -
why not directly: the luster of moonlight
ruby pointe shoes - ballet shoes are not pointy, they are actually square toed
personally I find glory adds nothing, seem trite
moonlight’s lustre - would prefer a stronger image based on moonlight
Gladiolus / in full bloom ...
so they bloom, / the gladiolus. -
I don't like the repetition, would be better if the second time the gladiolus come up there was a development in the image. Or drop the last two lines (so they bloom, / the gladiolus.)
same issue with (Pearls, / they fall ... so they fall, / the pearls.) - repetition without development
song plucking her heartstrings - this is quite a stale image for me. Surely I more incisive way to point to / to suggest the dancer's pain. For example, you could link physical pain as a symbol for that former emotional pain
the poem is built on a parallelism between the gladiolus and the pearls, with the dancer: I would like more, not in the increase of size (more lines) then in intensity
images and image developments are on the whole too weak:
- ruby pointe shoes
- glory
- moonlight’s lustre
Is the dancer outside or inside? Could use the scene as a resource to powerfully extend the basic images
overall impact
I like the parallel structure of the two stanzas
I like the quite evocative mood that is created
I like the focal point of the poem - that one day
The difficulty in quite writing is that it must not only be quiet it also needs to be something else, something powerful or dramatic. Artistically, a little needs to be alot; not merely less.
This is much better; your lines are more specific. However, let me share a few more thoughts:
With a short poem like this, I feel it is critical that you focus in on something powerful to create the resonance and effect. You cannot approach with a wide-angle view: broad coverage creates a fuzzy and vague effect that will be the poem.
So I suggest that having sweet and graceful is too much. As you introduced sweet in the second line, concertize it in the third with an object that has the attributes of sweet / sensual / (if you want to include the attribute of graceful then the object will have to be a living thing, an animal for example)
You are not just writing a poem, but developing/exploring a poetic technique: therefore I suggest to develop this small poem to bind a large idea with a specific object (development of idea through attributes of the object selected) you do about a dozen or so of these pieces.
This piece has a great shape and a lot of potential... The key topic is about the mind and feelings. But you are not dramatically portraying these mental states and feelings. The language is far removed from the dramatic concern (e.g., Seething pain courses its way throughout my body) You are just telling me you are in pain.
What does it feel like when pain courses through your body, what is it like to be overwhelmed by pain: where is the desperate voice of that dramatic persona?
Here is an a quick example of what I see as "a journey deep into a forgotten place in my mind"
A single point on my jaw, pulses as bone scraping and shoving against more bone; and pain shouts through the harsh anguish of soft flesh.
I imagine good writing as vividly creating itself, as an experience, in the mind of the reader.
"is fine" is too weak .... why the exclamation at the end of line 1? Surely, this person is more than fine... The third line IMO seems to restating the point of line 1 but more weakly (just a cliche). 'Perfection' does nothing for me. I don't know where to go with it.
I find the 1st and 4th lines dramatic and specific .... the 2nd and 3rd lines is simply entirely different: generalizing and vague. Even the exclamation mark in line 3 falls flat for me.
So I suggest, line 2 and 3 stay with open up the relationship (the emotional power of the relationship) in a way that the lines stay sharp and specific. Try letting an image carry the freight.
I want to read of a love in your poem ... the reader naturally wants to want to it too.
All the best to you .....
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