A lot can be taken from this. Just reading it gave me cause to smile which I have vowed to only ever do selectively. It is a beautiful thing to read of familial relationships and interactions amongst those from different generations. The fierceness of the eleven year old and the need to be seen as correct, and the calm response of the aged adult who only truly cares to be heard. I love this piece.
This is very creative. I was just reviewing someone else's work in which they tried to trick the reader into believing the subject was one thing when in fact it was another. That person's post however was predictable. I gave them feedback on how to be less so. This however was succeeded in misleading me. Despite my creative and open mind, I surprise found me at the end. Well done.
I love work like this because as a romantic myself I often write about love and its successes as well as failures. Writing like this is very real, and so can be accepted and felt by anyone who has ever experienced a sense of companionship. This being said, you did not simply write it in a plain, unfashionable respect, you wrote it a way that grabs attention with every line. I enjoyed this and can certainly relate to it.
Well...I can sense the humor you were hoping to surprise the readers with, however, at first mention of size I was able to predict where the story was going. This form of trickery has been written before, and so if you are determined to keep this piece, I would respectfully recommend finding an original way of writing it. Perhaps add more detail, maybe draw the reader in a bit more. Give the reader every reason to believe this post is about sexual short comings only to then shock them with the actual subject: television set. Be a little less predictable:)
I found this quite interesting. I am truly intrigued, however I find that after reading this, I still have no idea what the plot is or will be. This chapter jumps around to a lot of scenes. There are a lot of names that could be better introduced I think=) Lamia, I'd like to know more about this person. Also, in the beginning when Sara receives her acceptance letter, her excitement seems extremely short lived. She goes from opening it, to saying a dream has come through, and then immeidately on to the thought of having to get a job. She could express her excitement a bit more and I would love some more detail about the academy she was accepted into. With a little work, this could be an incredible piece of an incredible book. Keep writing! I hope to read more.
This is deep. Very deep. Quite depressing also, but I assume it was meant to be. There is so much emotion involved here, and being a poet who also writes about my feelings due to the misfortunes in my life, I can appreciate your lack of cause in this piece. You left out the influence of these feelings, and you did it well. I am curious to know your story in this particular case. Well done. I especially love "...angels weep crystal tears, each containing the seed of tomorrow, in prayer it falls on fallow ground." Love it. Having said that I do think some commas are necessary to better understand and break apart this section. I may not have placed them correctly or even placed them in the spots you would prefer, I just put them where I needed to read this correctly. It helped. Keep writing!
Hey I really enjoyed reading this. I love how you explained the grandfather's view of how things happened and how the grandson's view differed. Loved it! I do however think you used too many commas in the "Roland spied his grandson..." sentence. I think maybe it could be broken up and made stronger=). It would also be more easy to read. Also, the "(pause) doesn't belong in the middle of Brandon's sentence. Maybe of you put quotations at the end of grandma like this, "...grandma." and then went on to say something like..."After a brief pause he spoke again in response to something grandma had said." and then continue what he was saying. Aside from these minor things I think you havea really creative and interesting piece here. Take care!
You write extremely well. You express your thoughts nicely. You were able to talk about all of your hardsh ips and keep them relevant to one another. You sound like a very strong woman. I am sorry for your past difficulty. Keep your head up b ecause we really do write our own stories.
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