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13 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Pretend  
Review by light
Rated: E | (4.5)
I wrote out the rhyme scheme for this poem. Although, it is not consistent, it does over all give a nice flow to the poem. A technical point. when you put My Mind's cinema, did you intend the possession of the mind, or my mind's a cinema? over all good job.

My mind’s cinema a
Memories playing b
It has been a while c
Years gone in passing d

Yet I remember e
All those golden days f
Sharing our laughter g
In so many ways f

A smile lit my life h
A touch thrilled my heart i
Together as one j
Yet lost when apart i

I rewind the film k
Not seeing the end l
That happiness lost m
So, I must pretend. l
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Review of Reflection  
Review by light
Rated: E | (4.5)
liked the poem. I can relate to it very much. There have been times I see myself in the mirror and yet I do not even know the stranger staring back at me. Its like seeing an old friend but you cant remember from when or where, but you know that you know them. Its an interesting separation/ detached reality. awesome in its straight forwardness.
the only line that I keep reading over and over again is: " because of the fear of showing the real you." perhaps saying something like "you fear showing the real you" or something like that, can build on the ownership aspect of the fear, and connect the reader closer to themselves in the poem. the word "because" just seemed to detach me from the poem for some reason. Just a suggestion!
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Review of Winter Repose  
Review by light
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved the poem and images in this poem! I feel you did well with the rhyme scheme. I feel that the last two lines of your poem seems out of place. As a whole the poem is about winter and seasons and I find that even if the last two lines reference to a christmas/ winter story, it does not fit the over all feel of this poem. Just a view . :)
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Review by light
Rated: E | (3.0)
Reminds me of a peice from some Christian romance stories I have read. Cute, but it is too short for even a short story. Might have the potential to be built on for a shirt story/ novel.
Also I can relate to the given situation, I'm sure others might too which is a great foundation to any piece.
5
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Review of Dear Daughter  
Review by light
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, I read your piece here and please know that these are just suggestions! I edited the spelling and some of the sentence structure. I have played with some of the body here, but tried to not take away from the overall message of hurt and let down given in this letter. I found that putting the word "I" in some areas of address to be a more powerful ownership tool, instead of using "My" as in accordance to "I statements" in communication. I find for myself as a writer, that I love to use description and to create "powerful" images for my readers, but I run the risk of becoming "wordy" and can sometimes create the same description twice in one line ( become tangible, manifesting physically.) Sometimes to the point is better than a string of powerful adjectives.
Over all I think that with some further editing, this piece could be a powerful message from a daughter's heart, and others will be able to relate to it, or a father might even be able to see into their daughter's heart from a different view.
keep it up!

Dear Daughter,
I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm supposed to be your protector, your saviour, and my failure as such, leaves me at a loss. The thought of you used and discarded, torments my waking thoughts, as well as assaulting my dreams. Turning my would be fanciful whims into bombarding arrays of disconcerted screams (fragment). A torrential avalanche of fears and failures consumes me. My grief at your loss is so potent that it has surpassed mere emotions and has become tangible. My chest tightens, and my lungs compress. I cannot breathe. Although no physical force exists, I feel a magnitude of pressure being exerted on me.
The unjust travesties you have endured are seared into my mind; corrupting my very core, and contaminating my essence. I feel my failures and qualms resonate to hinder your progression in life. Your degradation hurts me in ways neither of us could even begin to fathom. The thought of your body being broken, your soul being crushed, and your smile being void, and vacant; to never shine bright tears me into pieces. Baby girl, I'm so sorry this world has been cruel and harsh, and I'm even more sorry I couldn't protect you. I’m sorry I couldn't shield you. I'm so sorry that all those sacrifices I made for us to be a united family wasn't what was best for us individually. I wanted to give you the world Baby girl. I wanted to show this world to you in ways that edified your dreams, not enable their demise. Instead you wandered off, and my deepest fear is you'll never be the same. Please try to understand that it wasn't your fault and that just because bad things happen, it doesn't mean the whole world is bad. I never could explain why (the world? What is “it?”) one person destroying another's innocence for their own selfish sadistic reasons was wrong, or that you deserved it. You deserved better, and you deserved me to tell you that.
No adhesive is strong enough to bring us together again or to even make you whole again. There is no action that can be take to eradicate the past. To dry your tears, I'd cry an ocean. To ease your heartache, I'd trade my heart.
Love,
Daddy - O
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Review of Simple Tale  
Review by light
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the pure imagination that is reflected here for child innocence.Brings me back to the child in me. However, I had to re-read the last two lines a few times, and still do not "see" the "blank page" imagine intended?
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