*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/areck
Review Requests: OFF
10 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Silverhand
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Kiwi,

I think this is a pretty strong start. And this time around I have a few pieces of real advice to give you.

Good: I thought this story was original, funny, and unique. I think at times you do a very good job at describing the surroundings. This is definately something I would continue to tighten, as well as, continue!

Bad: There are times when choice of words could use restructuring. There are times when your dialogue takes weird turns; mainly thought process and speech. This might be the point, but to me it sounds almost fakely scripted. <dunno if that makes sense>. Unlike the last piece which had no grammatical errors, this has several. I will admit grammar is my weak spot, but I will do my best to actually point out a few.

It’s really not easy being a scullery maid, she thought to herself as she strode along. Scrub, cut, wash, and then all over again the next day, it certainly is boring. Those nobles have no idea, and I’ve heard them complain a lot! Oh I just cannot go on! The weight of deciding where to plant this years’ field of turnips is too much for me! Stupid nobles.

This is some of the dialogue I was talking about. Though it is a thought process, your character is thinking how much this sucks...then goes right into nobility...and how much they suck. Once again this may be the point, but thought process...even speech generally does not work that way.

That fat king was to busy eating to improve his living conditions!

Possibly "The fat king had been so busy eating that he had forgot to improve his living conditions."

The reason I made this change is because the way it is written the paragraph is a statement. If your PoV character is thinking your phrase would have been fine. As it is, it needs to sound like a statement. Since the king was doing this....he had forgot this...<if that makes sense>

She had always loved trees, climbing them since she had been able to walk, and worrying whoever was unfortunate enough to be stuck with watching the mischievous child she had been...

That sentence was a tad too long for my taste. For whatever reason, I had to re-read it four times before I saw what you were saying. I offered a possible change, and by no means, is it perfect. :)

"She had always loved trees, climbing them since she had been able to walk. Of course, this had led to whoever was unfortunate enough to watch her, worrying over the child's mishievous nature."

In fact, the only thing that Elamdar had going for him was his looks, which he got from his mother, who was quite beautiful, but as stupid as a cow.

This is another sentence that needs to be restructured. I think it can be tighened down and more powerful.

Though I only copied over four things, there are many more length/word choice/and structure problems with this piece. All of these can be fixed easily, and in no way detract from the nifty story!

Good Job! Keep writing!!
2
2
Review of A Fairy Tale  
Review by Silverhand
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
This story will need some work. There some comedic attributes, but I think you contradict the characters so bad it really stops making sense.

What i mean is you start out talking about a family unit; with no obvious flaws. Then there was a drought. Oops one died..lets eat her. But food is still coming in. I dunno if that makes sense, but even a comedy must follow some kind of basic rules of development.

The grammar in this piece has several flaws. At times it isn't worded well. At other times the wording is too extreme. There isn't much dialogue, but when its there, it contradicts itself. Why would a woman who ate her child care if she had medicine for the rest?

Saying all of that. This story isn't so bad that it can't be polished and truly be funny. It needs alot of work though.

My best piece of advice is think of the characters you are trying to describe. If they are crazy and dumb, start them that way. If they are poor keep them that way <aka affording heroin>

Good luck with this!
3
3
Review by Silverhand
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting short story.

Out of all I have read so far I think this one was actually a real short story. You captured the event, moved it along, then concluded it. Good job!

There were only a few minor sentence structure problems. A few parts needed clarity. I also felt in 2 pargraphs you were retelling the reader what it was the scene was trying to convey. With a short story remember less more concrete detail is more!!

I didn't see any spelling errors.

I think this is a good story!! Good luck and keep writing!!
4
4
Review by Silverhand
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a good beginning.

The only thing I can recommend is the plot needs to be defined a tad bit better. It was unclear to me who exactly won the battle.

The way it is written it looks like the galley won, and all elves dead. However, in the end an elf lowers a lantern into the hull of the ship, making it sound like they had won and were looking around.

I think this has alot of promise, the description of a battle at see was good. It kept me reading, and the writing was solid.

Good job!! I look forward to more!!
5
5
Review of FANTASY  
Review by Silverhand
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great story man!! With a good twist at the end. I liked the fact that you used no names to identify the main character...which obviously led to your twist.

The only problem was that as the man was moving through the sequences I was a tad...overwhelmed by switching scenes so often. It was necessary though, which the reader finds out at the end.

Once again great story! Thanks for allowing me to read it!
5 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/areck