Unfortunately I feel you seem to have missed the point in this particular round, the point being that although the married couple have been looking forward to some alone time, one is exhausted and neither has energy or enthusiasm, but you do reveal what the partner does to turn things around.
Unfortunately there is a decided lack of any real erotica in the piece as more importance has been placed on revealing what they get up to in the restaurant, information that really in my view isn't require.
The story is drawn out with the unnecessary and I feel should have been delivered at much faster pace, as the reader becomes rather bored with the read early on as there really isn't any real hook to keep the reader wanting to read on.
Fast and snappy works best with erotica or at least a strong hook in the first two paragraphs to grab the readers attention, hence the rate.
This of course is my personal view and can be ignored if desired.
A story told in the "classic" fairytale "princess and pauper" line, with the description drawing the reader into the story well with the set up clash between the main character and mother. Reminded me of a classic Arabian Knights romance type thing.
I do however have to point out that the erotic is somewhat lacking, whether this was due to the word count restriction I'm not sure, but it seems like it was thrown in at the last minute, hurried and cut short, which is a pity and hence my rate of 4.5.
I found no errors, well done and good luck in the exam.
Nicely written piece overall with the erotica handled well. However, personally I would have mentioned of Jody's age early on as not to give the impression he may be under age.
One other point, I don't think it was necessary to have uncle Jeff inquire about Laramie's last period as I think it lessens the quality a tad.
Other than that, well done and good luck in the final.
Hello, here is your assessment for lesson 6 of Erotica Exposed.
Nicely done, not only did you manage to fulfil the lesson requirement of voyeurism, but also continue with some mild domination from another lesson, and managed to give a vivid picture to the reader.
One tiny error...
“I’m sorry Mr. Hardin, please don’t be angery…” (angry)
Other than that, well done you have now completed all 6 lessons in the Erotica Expose course. It has been a pleasure, and I wish you well in your future endeavours with writing whichever genre you attempt.
By now you should have receive the link to the HSP Final Exam and I look forward to reading your entry...good luck.
Here is your assessment for lesson 2 of Erotica Exposed.
A reasonable detailed story that delivers on the visual side enabling the reader to use their "mind's eye" to visualise the situation nicely, well done.
You have delivered on the lesson requirements, although more attentions should be given to showing the change in the male character's character. We really need to see his change from a timid and meek man into this wild tempest of lust as he does the deed with the female.
I also suggest you work on creating more of a hook to the beginning of your stories, something that is needed to grab the reader's attention right from the start. beginning with the back-story of a character is never a wise move as this should come later in the tale.
Other than that I found no errors, well done with this round.
Good luck with lesson 3 which will be available Monday in the forum.
Here is your assessment for lesson 2 of erotica exposed.
See, now this is why you are headmistress of the HSP, because you write erotica so clearly allowing the reader to get right into the situation. You covered the required elements adequately, delivering both the timid and the aggressive sides although without the need for full on intercourse which is always a bonus, and the mark of a good writer.
As usual there are no errors as I have come to expect from your work.
I look forward to your take on lesson 3, nicely done.
Hello, here is your assessment for lesson one of Erotica Exposed.
Not bad, not bad at all, a little lacking on the sex side of things but then I guess I didn’t stipulate the encounter had to be full blown sex.
As usual I can’t fault you on spelling and grammar or on the content of the piece (just watch that word count lol)
You did manage to convey the scene rather nicely and draw the reader in leading to them wanting to read more to see what happens when they reach his place.
That’s it well done, no faults at all, but then I didn't expect any.
A well constructed short, delivering a glimpse into the mind of one who kills for pleasure. A night stalker intent on fulfilling his ultimate desire, and is quite calm in his intentions.
With only a few words you manage to draw the reader into his world by simple description as he thinks about his chosen profession, his hobby, his desire to end life and put it on secret display for all.
Nicely done, Eyes.
Aries.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aries1
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 8:36am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
