Your story is very an interesting one (Since I have great interest in literary about AI ;P)!
The ending is right to the point of leaving great room for reader to imagine what will happen while being very humorous,It really makes me laugh! I just keep imagine the awkward feeling it might have for Herman!
I'm happy about your first submitting, it's a good start for you! It also means you're trying a new step to make your story a better one. Personally, I want to give you one humble suggestion, which hopefully could be useful in helping you into creating better stories.
Regarding the front part of the third paragraph,
"So far, 10 percent of the total Virtell (short for Virtual Intelligence) Corp server farm resources were dedicated solely to the new HRMS system, taking up hundreds of processor cores distributed over dozens of racks of pizza box sized servers. That would eventually double, assuming all went according to plan. It was a very expensive investment"
You've explained about the importance of HRMS system in Virtell company(with all due respect, I assume that you're expert in computer science or HR system?).The explanation might be easy for you to understand.However,readers might not think so. Many people might not know what hundreds of processor core over a dozen server actually means.
Therefore, I suggest that you can describe it more vividly, for instace, using metaphor. It's a good way to lead the readers into your story instead of letting them stop for chewing the meaning, or stop for searching the terms at the very begining.
As for the title, since I'm not a good title manager(even my own works) therefore I am not able to give any constructive ideas about this. Sorry!!
All in all, it's a very impressive piece of story! I like it! I can see you've carefully chosen your wording and the story progresses smoothly. I was thinking the ending might be talking about unplugging the whole system, or killing, any sort of conspiracy. But all of a sudden, 'you're fired!'. That's very wise!!
Hi, Nathan!
I love your story! Truly!! Don't know if I get the meaning right but the idea--'disguised happiness' somehow haunts my mind. Reading through your story, I can feel the smooth mind flow and the grotesuqe dream- like mood successfully immersed into the story by your vivid and pircturesque description of the man's words , actions and appearance, and with all these you intricate the feeling of sadness, making the story all the more fascinating. Another important part is, the words spoken by the character are very natural, this does require some kind of skill to manage.
Such an arresting story can be made better by refinement of some of your sentences. I've noticed that many sentences are short ones, and several of them a little too bulky.
You can try to elaborate the structure of them. Especially for the paragraph that describe his appearance. Normally, reader might find it hard if they know they're going to read such a long paragraph, therefore it's necessary to express your thoughts not only in a detailed way but also a more effecitve way.
For example: 'He was wearing a black top hat with a red band around it. Written, in red shakily, on the front of the hat was the word happiness.' In my humble opinoins, it can be refined this way: 'The red written word 'happiness' stroke hastily on front of the hat that has a red band around it.' This is to expIain,instead of starting each sentence with 'He' or 'His', you can make the description in a more
dynamic way. :)
As for the plot: Maybe you meant for a short story, and it, for me, is a reminicent of ' stream of consciousness'. But I think it worthwhile to be made a longer one. The ending seemed a little bit rush to me because I'm longing to see how the story could undold.
Such a damanding reader!! You might think.
That's because I really love this story!
Hi River!
Your story is a deep one which has prompted me to think about the doctors in my own country. Good and bad ones, there always will be.
But doctors being impolite is really common when I ask those around me who've been to hospital, mostly due to great pressure.
I don't know if it goes the same in your country.
We can understand they have their own great pressure, but they are not necessary to demolish people's hope to get better which is the one of main reasons why Medicine comes up.
A small suggestion: Instead of 'you' telling all the story, take out the main conversations between you and the doctor to form paragraphs. It can escalate the effect of confrontation.
This is a very good story, I like it! Keep it up:)
Your writing this dream is absolutely a presence of your vivid imagination and abundance of vocabulary. Through all the words, the story is drenched in mysterious atmosphere, almost takes my breath away. Well done!
There's a tip I want to give in my reading through the story.
Description seems to be stretched a little bit too much. For example I feel a little bit overwhelmed when reading the forth paragraph. To express your horror when you're approaching the door, you focus lots of description in your psychology and the surrounding, adversely affect the feeling you want to convey. But sometimes, lesser words can do better effect.
I don't know if this is meant to be a part of a story, but the description is very vivid! Especially the beginning impresses me with the feeling of a movie scene.
Since there're only three paragraphs, I don't know how to give a proper review to them without much context. But I think you can give
some more description to Hellmont's appearance if this fighting is going to be a main part of a chapter.
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