This is very well written. Great continuity and building of urgency to the crescendo of the finale. Beautiful language and descriptive imagery used to describe this analogy of the blown wild rose seed to that of the soul.
There are a few typos and spelling errors. Otherwise this would be a perfect poem!
Keep writing
Well written. A good story with good continuity and description. The repetition works very well. A lovely dark twist at the end. Good work. Keep writing
I love this piece! Your use of language and description is wonderful. The pace and flow of this piece is excellent. You have talent! Keep writing
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A good piece of work! It flows well with good rhythm. The content is excellent. The happiest people are those that don't take themselves too seriously.
Keep writing
This is a very depressing piece. You have captured the hopelessness of depression with good imagery and description. Good use of language evokes your emotions.
Keep writing
This piece is quite repetitive. Are they song lyrics? The work has good emotion but needs to be more descriptive and less self absorbed as a stand alone piece.
Keep writing
A nice little piece. It has good emotion, yet needs to be a little more descriptive in the language used.
"though not even it I can trust" - this line needs reworking.
Keep writing
This is a very well written poem. Good use of language and description. Good imagery. Good use of analogy. The content is wonderful and the poem has an easy flow and cadence.
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"He had a wrinkled but sharp face with a long thin nose. His nose extended so far beyond his face Brett wondered how the man could wear a surgical mask that could cover his entire face. Brett noticed the eyes immediately"
You describe the mans nose first and then say he noticed his eyes "immediatley". That sentence needs to be changed around.
"Brett was the complete opposite of copasetic"
Wouldn't it be easier to say he was upset, panicking, or something else?
This is a well constructed story with good continuity and a great twist. It has good characterisation and content. It needs a little revision.
Keep writing
"it’s better to be silent and
be
thought a fool rather than to speak and remove all doubt".
When quoting other people's work it is courteous to name the original author.
A nice little piece.
Keep writing
A very well written poem. Your use of language is delightful and imaginative. Your content and message clear and concise. Your philosophy thought provoking.
Well done!
This is a very moving piece. The utter desolation you manage to convey in so few words is astonishing. The analogy of the "fire" that destroyed everything, save for the black tree cumbling is befitting of this intense analogy to the devastation you convey. Your portrayal of a life that no longer exists and the havoc that was wrought is perfect! Your language fills the reader with that same desolation. Our only hope is that "dark silhouette that appears to be breathing"
You shock the reader with your brevity, yet the readers consciousness and understanding is stirred by your language.
Well Done!
Keep writing
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A very nice piece. You use of descriptive words paint a very real picture of this girl that you dream about. Your needs and desires are written with colour and clarity.
Some suggestions if I may.
You start this piece with "So". - I think this is redundant.
"A connection that is magic, scary, beautiful." - could you use another more suitable word than scary?
I think the ending could use a revision. It seems a little child like.
Overall a good piece.
Keep writing
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The analogy of roads and highways to the "journey" of life is well worn. Yet you seem to have given it a new surface in this piece. In the first stanza, the repetition of "run over" gives the reader an insight into your characterisation. "Run over" and over run. In the second stanza your allusion to "quarks" and the "space-time cloth" creates a vivid picture. Your use of alliteration adds depth to your piece.
The content of one man's journey "picking and choosing reality" is well executed.
Well written with good structure and deliciously debatable philosophy
You have some good points in this piece. You are missing a few, but as you point out, you will "add from time to time".
Can you tell this is written by a woman?
I like the humour used and the plain language. A good philosophy as well. Our differences do make us attractive to each other. Compromise and acceptance are key issues. Of course we can't forget that small thing called LOVE.
Espousal love can endure any obstacles and circumstances in Life, if couples remain a "couple". That old adage "United we stand, divided we fall" takes on new meaning when challenges beset us.
Keep writing and keep Loving
This is a good piece. I like the use of analogy of the ship on the ocean to the voyage of our lives. We often look behind us, and to the sides, but we should concentrate on what lies ahead. We can steer our ships, but we cannot control other circumstances that might stop us from steering in the direction we choose. These obstacles often appear without warning and are beyond our control. The best we can do is steer around them and try to keep moving in the general direction we had chosen.
I like your use of language and imagery. You write well and put forward a good argument.
Keep writing
The content in this piece is lovely.
A few suggestions:
"and make melody of music, linking rustling of trees with the song of rushing streams." - music is already melody so that is redundant. Maybe you could make melody OF "rustling trees" etc.
In certain areas you have too many "the". In the example above - "making melody of rustling trees with song of rushing streams"
Also -
"I would listen to the wind singing over the stones," - I would listen to wind singing over stones
"10-mile-walk" - in poetry it is better to write "ten"
"cackle and glow like fire" - crackle?
In the last stanza I would change the words around so that "the beauty of thought" - remains Eternally.
I really like this poem. I hope I have been of some help.
Keep writing
I must admit I find the different colours and different type styles detract from this piece. It seems that you have used every "tag" and it is confusing to the reader.
The sentiments are heartfelt, however, the poetry is simplistic. Rhyming the words doesn't necessarily make a poem.
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