I feel the emotion in this piece. There is despair here, yet a desperate hoping against hope that there is something more. If this is you, don't give up! If this is someone you love, encourage them to keep searching. There is nothing that can erase memory, but it can be transformed and suffering can be redeemed.
I can practically smell the smoke! I would like to see more visual imagery to set the scene, though. I'd also like to see more of an image or characterization of Grandpa. Is there any particular mood you'd like to set for this memory? Right now, even though this is a poem, it has a prose-like feel; I'd like it to be more evocative.
This is a nice press release, factual and easy to follow. Nonetheless, it needs some attention to punctuation and presentation.
1) In the first paragraph, "talk show host, comedian" does not constitute a series of three or more; the terms should be separated by the conjunction "and" rather than a comma. Also, eliminate "has"; the past tense will suffice.
2) The second paragraph does not explain the link between Joan Rivers and Joan Alexandra Rosenburgh. Try opening it with "Rivers, nee Joan Alexandra Rosenburgh, was born..." ("Nee" should have an accent over the second "e," but I don't known how to insert that character with the formatting options available here.)
3) The third paragraph could be worded a little more tightly. I'd suggest, "Rivers' style of stand-up comedy poked fun at herself and other celebrities."
4) In the fourth paragraph, you don't need a comma after "Police" since the conjunction "and" introduces a dependent clause rather than a complete sentence.
5) In the sixth paragraph, you need a period after "The Joan Rivers Show."
6) The second and third paragraphs from the end have no concluding punctuation, and "Daytime Emmy Award for" and "in 1990" should not be italicized.
7) I would reword the first line of the next-to-last paragraph as follows: "Rivers was also known for co-hosting the pre-awards show for the Academy Awards with her daughter, starting in 1995."
8) Why are the last two paragraphs in italics?
9) The apostrophe is misplaced in the third and last paragraphs; it should be "Rivers'."
I hope all this isn't overwhelming. I do like the overall feel of the piece, but corrections do need to be made if it is to appear professional.
This is a great job of putting together consistent characterization in a short piece. Even Grandpa comes off as a distinct character with a sense of humor and a rascally streak although he is seen only in glimpses through the eyes of his bereaved grandchildren. The action that leads to discovery of the "real' inheritance makes perfectly good sense too. The only fault I find -- and this is more a stylistic issue -- is the number of descriptive adjectives about the siblings. While they do create a very specific picture of Tammy and Tommy, I'm just wondering if they're all necessary. I'm used to working in longer formats with more space to work in details, though, so perhaps that affects my perspective. Anyway, I enjoyed the piece!
Funny! Your work allowed me to clearly visualize a close encounter of the wildlife kind even though it had such a short word limit. One thing: I don't think arm needed to be italicized for emphasis; as the verb in its sentence, it gets enough emphasis already. Since this was originally posted in 2009, I certainly hope you've kept writing since then.
This was interesting as I hadn't encountered this particular poetic form before. You did an excellent job of fitting your theme of medication in old age into the required meter and rhyme scheme. I'll bet it took you more than a minute to write!
This brought a chuckle into my day. Having survived both babysitting and motherhood, I can testify that your piece accurately portrays the 0-to-60-in-two-seconds-flat changes in mood and activity that small children can display. I can also sympathize heartily with the narrator's uncertainty and escalating feelings of anxiety and loss of control, followed by equally intense relief. The only criticism I have is that the first sentence of the seventh paragraph seems a trifle stilted. Otherwise, an excellent piece!
You've chosen a topic that should resonate with a wide audience -- I think we've all been in that position of being "good enough for now" at one time or another. I'd like to see the idea delivered with more emotional punch. Can you find a strong, concrete metaphor that helps convey the intensity of what you're feeling and the contrast between what your heart wants and what your head is telling you? I'm not suggesting you should use this image unless you like it and feel you can make it your own, but just as an example, how would a teddy bear feel about being used as an object of emotional comfort and then tossed aside when something more interesting comes along? What damage might be done to it as a result of the treatment it gets?
This is prose with the feel of an elegy. The mood of mourning a loss is consistent and well-defined. The willow should be "lying" on its side (to lay is to place; to lie is to repose), and you probably don't need a comma in the last sentence of the last full paragraph. Otherwise, a very nice piece.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It comes across as honest and pictures the shifts of emotion and perception in grappling with death well. The spelling and punctuation need some work but the intensity of the images is almost poetic. The quiet ending is a good conclusion.
This is one chilling piece. The emotions are intense and raw and the dissolution of the boy's personality comes across with face-slapping force. I would back off on the incomplete sentences a bit; while they can add punch, overuse dilutes their effect. But overall, a good job.
Your poem describes a tough situation well. How do you tell a friend that he's being cheated on, or do you? The narrative voice of the poem is an interesting mix of matter-of-fact "this is they way things happened" and emotional pain at becoming the bearer of bad news. The only place I got a bit lost was in the final stanza since I really didn't see how the metaphor of the beach tied into the rest of the poem. Otherwise, I liked it.
This is a gripping piece of poetry. I've worked in mental health and have seen how hard it can be to let go of behavior like cutting that gives some temporary relief and allow oneself to finally let go and face the darkness inside. The terror of old memories and overwhelming feelings makes a dangerous abyss indeed. If this is from personal experience, you've displayed a lot of courage in sharing this. It's also excellent writing. Keep up the good work!
I like the emotions of gratitude and loyalty expressed in your poem. The image of gluing together a shattered heart is a good one. From a technical standpoint, the rhythm of the poem isn't consistent; attention to this could deliver a more powerful impact. Keep writing!
This is one lively adventure read, and of course now I want to know what Lucia saw. There's a couple of typos here and there but for the most part this is well written. The first person present viewpoint sucks a reader right into the action. Good job!
Wow. This was an intensely personal thing to share and I thank you for doing so. Your fighting spirit comes through clearly in the metaphor of cancer as a terrorist to be attacked. While the poetry often seems a bit forced in its attempt to maintain the rhyme scheme, it does a good job of conveying the hardships and emotions of your experience. Keep working on word selection, rhythm, and punctuation in your poetry and I think you'll do even better.
This piece tugs at the heart with its depiction of the cruel realities of slavery. The narrative and point of view are consistent and the writing is of excellent quality. The only thing I might suggest (and this is, perhaps, my own emotions speaking) is a little more mention of the character's response to those men and women who provided safe havens along the Underground Railroad. After all the hardships and cruelties the narrator as endured, wouldn't finding whites who are actually willing to run some risks to shelter and help her be a shock? Would she, perhaps, even fear that the first safe house might be a trap, or be haunted by fears of betrayal or discovery along the journey? This might be worth expanding on to make the narrator's total experience even more vivid.
This piece portrays some of the thoughts that might have gone through the mind of the commander of the Light Brigade but fails to bring out any of the emotional intensity that should accompany them. His obedience to his orders would have more impact if contrasted with his doubts regarding the situation into which he is being sent and his concern for his men -- both things that would trouble any real-life commander worth his pay. The piece also could be clearer in distinguishing the shifts in focus between what the officer is seeing, his internal dialogue, and his final command to his men.
This is an emotionally riveting piece that explains some of the inner obstacles to leaving a bad relationship. The imagery is strong and the thoughts flow logically to the narrator's choice to seek an internal escape rather than leaving the relationship. The only criticism I have is the presence of incomplete sentences at the conclusion of some of the paragraphs; these should be reworded.
The wording may be a little forced to fit the rhyme scheme, but I love the humor of this piece. I could easily visualize the hapless vampire and his sartorial disarray, and it only gets funnier from there. The twist at the end is especially rib-tickling. A good job!
This is an honest look at the darkness that lives inside us all. It is one case where the writer is wise not to specify what the evil deeds and thoughts are, as the intent is for the reader to see himself or herself in the poem. I am wondering, though, if the poem would be more effective without the incomplete sentences. Could it be reworded a little without losing the impact?
I like the concept, but the writing contains so many run-on sentences that it's hard to tell where one thought ends and another begins. Also, this reads more like the blurb from a book jacket than a prologue that introduces the characters and the situation. I think you have the seed of a great mystery here; it will just take a lot of work to bring it to fruition.
The poem conveys the pain of someone facing a difficult decision about whether or not to continue in a marriage. Neither path is certain. Love and trust could be rekindled, but this would take serious work by both partners; what if one is not willing? On the other side, there are no guarantees of greater personal fulfillment in ending the marriage. Both paths have a significant possibility for pain and loss as well as for renewal, and you've captured the dilemma well.
I really enjoyed this little poem, which brings a humorous touch to the eternal struggle to find just the right word or phrasing. The only thing I can fault it for is the "agony of victory and thrill of defeat" line; while a funny twist on a familiar line, it seems a little forced and disrupts the rhythm.
This piece has a strong emotional impact and certainly conveys the narrator's confusion and mixed emotions. It's hard to discern exactly what the emotion is about, though. Obviously there is a sense of betrayal here, but is it simply a case of being "led on" emotionally only to find that professed "love" wasn't real, or has the narrator been betrayed into a sexual situation that she wasn't really either wanting or ready for? The shifts in tense are also confusing.
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