I am reviewing you as a student of "Invalid Item"  . Please note that I present my views not as a professional writer or reviewer, but as a casual reader.
Hello there, Fredrik! It has come to my attention that you have just signed up, so allow me to welcome you to this wonderful community that is Writing.com! Your name had me wondering, and a quick visit to your profile remedied this lust for knowledge. You're indeed a Norwegian as well! Our names are even pretty much the same! (I have extra e pushed in there).
To be fair, this is not why I decided to give this piece a review. I was looking through the plug page and found it interesting, simply because of the description. You see, I'm a sucker for that good old post-apocalyptic setting. Now I've read it through, so I thought I'd give my honest opinion of it, one writer to another!
So grab your lusekofte and place yourself in your best godstol, and off we go!
Ava
 Overview
The story is about a girl and her parents taking with them a dog as they strive for survival in the desolate wasteland Earth has turned into.
 Plot&Suggestions
I want to start off with the introduction of this story. And now I'm going to pretend like I didn't read the description. The child has never seen a dog, the father carries a shotgun, their car is used to traverse abandoned cities, water and food seems to be scarce, and the child seems to know more about nooses and loading guns than she does about collars. My mind already painted the picture of a husk of a once bustling smaller town - now overgrown and free of life - and this small family that have stayed together for years (I assume this since the child has never seen a dog), doing their best to survive.
Already off the bat, I have everything I need to find myself in this world. I find the characters portrayed realistically. The parents try their best not to share their worries of supplies running out with their child. Ava, whom I assume is around 6-7 years old - still retains the curious nature of a child, despite the situation. Perhaps she was born into this mess? Perhaps this life is the only life she has ever known? Perhaps she has never faced any danger yet? This instantly reminds me of 'The Road' in so many ways, especially the child role. Why should they care about nooses? This story is told from the girl's point of view, and she seems to brush off the noose thing as something beyond her understanding - or something she is told not to worry about. And I think this works perfectly.
That being said, it is after the initial introduction that my focus slips a bit.
Things have been a bit vague up until this point, but the middle section brings a lot of information into the story.
 First we have gangs and self-sustained communities, so I'm led to believe that it's been some time since the crisis happened.
I am told Ava's friend Marcy believe that some people supposedly eat humans, leading to a fright in the child for strangers, even if she brushes it off as nonsense. I'm guessing it wouldn't have been mentioned if this wasn't the case.
The room Ava stays in initially belonged to a boy. I believe this room belonged to their second child, now deceased, because of how the parents react.
What I thought was the best part here is when Ava talks with the dog, because it really explains to me the need she has for the friends her parents can't be, seemingly too wrapped up in their worry. There are also jumps in time here. Not just once, but twice. Now, I'm guessing this is to establish a deeper relationship between the dog and the protagonist over time, but it all seems like a reason to hurry the plot to where consequence comes into play. Establishing the world is all well and good, but half the story has been used for this just to set up what is to follow, and I think it is a bit much.
As for the last part, I think switching to present form was a good idea, and I think it works well. It creates a more direct involvement with the character, as I felt she was a bit distant from me up until this point. She has finally had enough of just waiting for time to pass by, and sneaks out with her dog, because she finds comfort and courage in its company.
Kadie growls, warning of danger. There is a sense of suspense in the air. Ava recalls a scene with her mother indirectly stating that women are possibly taken as slaves and sexually abused, and at the same time mentioning that her father was nowhere to be seen. Does this mean he is gone for good? This question takes me away from the suspense, and kind of kills it off for me.
The action continues, but then it suddenly stops with this sentence: "Ava buries her head in the fur." In my mind, the characters are now frozen at this point. It is not clear what is about to happen.
Now, according to profile, you like to leave endings open. And you know what, I'm all for this. I usually make use of this myself, but only after the tension has been properly built up and established. I don't find any tension at all before the very end, and for all I know, this man isn't out to harm her in any way.
Now, having read through it all, I am left with some questions, like:
 Why aren't these people settling down in a settlement or town where it's safer?
Why did they leave this community with Macy and Co. in the first place?
Of course, you might argue that the story follows a child's point of view, so these things are beyond her comprehension and control, but I as a reader gets a bit confused when such details are put into play and not followed up on.
I think you're onto something here. In fact, I think you're on to something great here, because of how you add in subtle hints of the argument going on between the parents that take place outside the field of vision. And I also love how you never explain what really happened in the first place. There's no need for it, and it works perfectly fine.
That being said, I think you should find a very nice scissor and do a bit of cutting here.
The story is about to be about the girl and the dog, and how the dog could say her life, as the description says. But there are too many details being handed out here, as if this is the beginning of a novel. I think you should use the present tense part right off the bat, and instead tell the story from that part. You can cut out many things, like the self-sustained communities and how her father gets angry at her digging, because in essence it is about a girl and her dog wandering this desolate area, but still manage to giggle and laugh, as if nothing is wrong, and this is the part I truly love the best.
Now, I want to suggest that you add something more after the ending. Something that creates worry. As I said, I'm all for sudden endings, but only when my chair's tilted all the way up to the screen and I find myself yelling "that's it?!", followed by a violent tantrum. Perhaps have the characters meet, give the appearance that this man is good after all, before the betrayal is put into place. Perhaps the dog is injured and threatened! After all, this dog is all this girl has. How devastated would she be if the dog were to die? Very. And so would I.
I also wish Ava asked a few more questions, if only for the readers' sake. I prefer this approach over simply telling from her memory what has happened. She is a child, use this excuse to ask even the most simplest of questions.
 Language&Flow
Your story flowed like the purest waterfall in heavy rain, and I did not stumble at any part. Lots of air in here too, so it doesn't feel cramped at all.
I'm guessing that lines like "The dark isn’t scary with you here." and "They’re chasing the sun." are supposed to be thoughts of the protagonist. I think it would be better if you put these in italics, and perhaps add 'she thought' after the where first thought line, just to tell the reader this. I found this a bit confusing at first, especially the second line.
 Grammar Faults
Could not find any!
 Final Words
I want to thank you for sharing this piece of yours. I love the setting and the concept, but I find it a bit coarse, like it's two stories mashed into one. I would love to see a continuation of the story though, and more of how the child sees the world rather than how she has already seen it.
I am hoping this review was helpful to you in some way, if only a little. I am not after your hide, I just want to bring out the best in your writing. If you notice any errors in my review, then by all means do contact me. I do hate it so when I misinterpret a story, as I would dislike it if someone did the same with my writing.
If you would like a second review after any potential changes has been done, then send me a note and I'll see what I can do.
Until next time, may the ink forever flow in your favor.
- B.H.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Comma errors. Some sentences need more of them. Read them out loud and you'll probably find these errors in good time.
'