A really good start for a possible great story. This can go in so many different directions.
I'm seeing and feeling every word you've written, and can't wait to read what happens next. Nicely done.
I would suggest separating the paragraphs for easier reading. I could see that there are possibly a couple of minor corrections or changes which could be made, nothing major.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Again, I can't wait to read what happens next.
I love this. I saw and felt every word. You took me right there to that hospital room. I felt the loss, the sorrow, and I understood the pain of the deliverer of news, there at the end. I was left with tears.
I'm not sure if this is notes to self, or a start of a possible psychology piece?
If it's self notes, then, it is a good start.
If it's writing a psychology piece, then, it is a nice draft, and I would suggest breaking this down.
Create more paragraphs, then take each paragraph, and go into more detail. Break down those feelings, and how they were acquired, they're impact, and what solutions would you suggest, if any were needed.
This writing is a nice start. You lots of imaginative ideas, with a good story line.
I found for myself, it really helps if I take each paragraph, and break it down. Read, then reread it, thereby, write, then rewrite each. After doing this many times, I think you'll find a very cohesive story.
Also, by reading each paragraph, you'll notice that many of them consist of your sentences being really long, and might possibly be broken up.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. I look forward to your future writings.
This is sound advice, and a good core for creating a story. A story where you find a way of describing how each point you've made is achieved. I can see possibilities of an adventure in how you are achieving your stated goals.
Thank you for writing this. I look forward to reading you future writings.
I am very intrigued about bears, and it always interesting to read any and all information about them.
As with your description of dogs, you also have a good start here with your description of bears. Possibly you can draw the story out also. Make paragraphs, each describing in detail specific aspects of that paragraphs topic.
Again, thank you for writing this, and I look forward to reading more of you work.
Being an avid dog lover (having them all though my life, to present day), it always interesting to read any and all information about them.
You have a good start here with you description. As a suggestion, possible draw it out. Make paragraphs, each describing in detail specific aspects of that paragraphs topic.
If you are wanting to write a story, including a dog, then possible create an adventure incorporating the topic of each paragraph. I.E. The dog, even though having the gentle name of Bella, held the primal instants of her ancestors, those which were domesticated 12,000 years ago.
That's not the greatest example, but I think you get the idea.
Thank you for writing this. Hopefully we'll get to see a story grow from you story of dogs.
If I'm not mistaken, Marvel, Disney, and all the others you mentioned, probably have already created exactly what you've described. For it is their sole purpose of squeezing every penny from consumers who are fanatical about their movies.
If they haven't, you might contact those on your list, providing them with your idea, as they are the ones that would be needed to approve trademarked products.
Nicely written. You have me on the edge of my seat! I could feel the terror, anxiety, and even imagine the metallic smell. Well done. Now what happens next????? I can't wait to find out.
If there is one thing, I would ask, how did the person get a key card if no one was at the front desk.
Another good start/draft for a story. To see it into a full fledged story, I can see questions like:
How was it possible for this young person to open this Ca-brary, did they have help?
Why did this one person's opinion cause the young person to give up so easily? Where there other instances?
Did this make the young person stronger, if so, how?
These are just some suggestions to help enhance your story-line.
Thank you for writing this. I look forward to reading what comes next.
This an interesting draft/start of a possible good horror story.
It has intrigue, mystery, and possibly the supernatural.
I would suggest breaking it down into paragraphs (double spaced for easier reading). Read and reread each paragraph, so you can catch thought, enhance, and adjust what isn't needed.
Thank you for writing this and sharing. I excited to see where you go with it.
This is an interesting start/draft of a story:
How did this person come into the employ of this household?
What will this person do now they are let go?
What will Little John really do now this person is gone?
etc.
It can lead to many directions.
I would recommend taking each sentence and rereading it, it helps to catch the misspells and possible missing or misplaced words.
Good start. Thank you for writing, can't wait to see where you go with this.
Like you other writings, you have a way with words that takes the reader right to the heart of your stories.
If I were to critique this one (which is really difficult, and this is only my perception), I had trouble with the last part. It was as though I were reading the first part again, only worded slightly different. I'm wondering, was part of that last part, showing Mark's perspective?
Either way, I really enjoy reading your work.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. I look forward to seeing more of your writing.
I can see this draft needs some work. Many misspellings, words missing, typical first draft events. If it's possible, breaking this story into more paragraphs, spaced two lines, would make it easier to read. Also, by breaking down each paragraph, then fine tuning each one, I think will help create the great story you have started here.
This is a start of a possible good story. I would suggest breaking it into paragraphs, and reading each paragraph thoroughly. There are some ideas/words/descriptions that could be added to enhance, what I think, you are trying to relay.
You have some really good descriptions of scenes, and emotions/feelings.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
Thank you for writing and sharing this.
This is beautiful! I felt and saw each word. Each word put me right there in that field of flowers, and I could feel and envision each one. I could see the beautiful new friends.
Great start of a story. I can't wait to find out what happens next. Why the guy is there? How did he get there?
I also like your writing format. Made is so much easier to read. Very difficult to read stories that are written in one huge paragraph 8-( , or no separation between paragraphs.
Thank you for writing this, and best wishes on the contest.
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