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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluewhite
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19 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Joe 45
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
And then they had lots of little demon-spawn...

I'm trying to figure out if "you" believe the early commentary on Valentine's Day, or if it is a device to set the character up for the later ambush. Some of the anti-child stuff is a little over the top (and as a father of two, yeah, the little buggers can be hellions).

I do like the writing, your have a clean, clear style. You also have a good ear for dialogue that shows between your main characters.

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2
2
Review by Joe 45
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good strong prose. Good use of imagery for both Harry and the Morlock, though perhaps a little too evident - I was guessing an angel and a demon before the supernatural really started to fly. Though I was wrong, wasn't I, so perhaps you've got it spot on.

Sounds very much like the beginning of a longer tale. I'd like to know more about Cara from the beginning - what set her apart from the other ladies at the diner? Is she younger? Prettier? Smarter? Something's up with her. You might be unveiling in your own way, and I suspect you are. Keep at it.

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3
3
Review by Joe 45
Rated: E | (3.5)
First: good information to know. I'll remember not to feed gummi worms (or bears, or gummi anything) to a horse.

Also, excellent prose. At the beginning, the detail added did a nice job of evoking the setting. Balloons, hot dogs, all of it. Yeah, the fair. I'm there.

The dialogue works - though one nitpick I have as a parent of small boys is Thomas is just slightly a little too self-aware and witty. Small boys are cheeky, come out with all kinds of stuff, but he just hit me as a little too sharp. "I'm almost a grownup" - "mum keeps wandering off". If this is part of a larger piece that shows Thomas as more than he seems, I get it...though really it just caught me a little, nothing too outrageous.

Nice work. Is there more?

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4
4
Review by Joe 45
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Interesting indeed. I very much liked the underlying concept that human sentience has been driven by the ghosts of a former civilization - a new twist on the "alien seeding" concept. I noted the "second chance" line early on. Are the Aki making the same mistakes they did before? Are the mistakes inevitable for an advancing civilization?

I found the science eminently plausible; your use of jargon was appropriate and useful. This could very well be the germ of a larger work; looking in two directions - forward as the Aki guide humanity, and backward as you delve into the earlier civilization of the Aki. Parellels would abound, and perhaps new /old conflicts emerge. I suspect some Aki would seek to overcome the physical limitations of their hosts; perhaps one or several with ambitions beyond being an unseen, unfelt presence might happen to inhabit a human with ambitions of their own...all sorts of possibilities.

I really wanted to know more about the Aki. You've got me hooked. Nice work.
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