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1
1
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi nflight,

This seems a credible and authorative document to me. I have no idea as to the purpose of the letter other than to demonstrate an understanding of the concept of divestiture (in military law). The letter is clear and unemotive in tone, though respectful. The inclusion of precedents gives a real life view of the application of the defence. Towards the end of the document, the content even becomes `balanced' by offering possible uses or application of the legal device.

I found it interesting to consider the term `insubordination' which is an offence against `rank' rather than a person or individual. It is a broad term which you have shown might under common law refer to abusive conduct, assault and battery, possibly rape or one might suppose murder (though civil authorities would likely superimpose themselves over the military order).

You clearly have a talent for this genre? and I wish you well.

Brian Armour
2
2
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi Nick,
I thought this was a top story. You took a very original slant to a crime in your story and made it talk. How responsible should a bystander, a citizen feel for fellow human denizens? There was also the idea of `what place for a beggar in a cashless age'. As we enter the future, a cashless society, often these small implications are not explored. It is another facet of our quickly changing world.

The guilt the narrator manufacturers, stems from his cashless problem, but also and probably more so because she is part of his world, near that alley he walks by every day, so she is part of his life. I think you have developed this very well, not only by admissions by the narrator, but by the incidentals within which his guilt is framed and stimulated. I am thinking of his view of the alley from the 25th floor edging up to where he asks his secretary, and consults the obituaries.

Then there was the momentary spectre of Gram as a reborn, as in the youth replacing her.

Some points.

`She was stooped with middle age...' - there is no mention that she was sitting (I imagine she is not standing). Some reference would make me more comfortable. Also from my encounters, the lowered position i.e. looked down upon - evokes pity.

`“Any change, sir?” she asked(,) on Monday,' - suggest comma

`Of course(,) I didn’t have any change.' - suggest comma

`Thursday(,) she...' - suggest comma

` Spider webs of wrinkles spun from the corners of her eyes, but you couldn’t tell from the photograph in the paper on Sunday. ' - this was great. Personalising the event - intimation - he knows more than the public, it is closer to him.

`...death,” said the police officer (who was) quoted in the newspaper.(, “w) "We do....' - a suggestion.

`The brown eyes slid past me, searching for someone else’s charity.' - really liked this expression.

`I (carefully) walked over to the spot...' - I think I understand what you are trying to portray, but I didn't warm to `carefully' - considering he is drunk and `meandering' - his `carefully' could be, not mock respect, but overly sensitivity (as when drunk). I can't think of a word or other way of expressing, you may, otherwise suggest omit.

`Satisfied, I (began to make) made my way...' - you have used `began' a few times - might be a word to watch.

`...view, however, was that I could (nearly) see down the alley off 10th street if I stood at the right angle.' - `nearly' has also been used before in the story. Suggest omit - what does it really mean `nearly see'? You have at the close of the sentence `if I stood at the right angle' and this qualification conveys the difficulty associated with observing the alley, I thought.

I jumped slightly; I hadn’t heard Barbara come in.' - `jumped slightly' and what follows has the feel of an after thought. At first considered just `jumped' - but not when he's standing so close to a window, sorry I joke. I sounds too demonstrative an action. Perhaps something like `I started, not aware of Barbara's presence (in the room).

` frowning, “Should I have?”' & `...answered, “Thank you,...' - need to use full stops at end of the attributions as starts new sentence in opening quotes.

I have a bit of an editing habit, so please excuse the nit-picking. Like I said this is a fine and original story which I really enjoyed. Thank you for sharing, and I hope some of my suggestions help. If not discard, you are the master of your story.

All the best

Brian
3
3
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hi Graham,

Great story, I thought. I enjoyed reading it. Cleverly, you have taken a science expedition and through the mystery of science made a magical tale. I appreciated the background scientific discourse, which appeared sound and helped add to the realistic approach. The dialogue I thought was also sound and appropriate as were the accompanying actions of characters.

There a few points I noticed (which are really just tweaking the text). My suggestion would be to try and identify in your own writing words that somehow repeat themselves inadvertently in the text. I have certain words of my own that pop up now and again when I am telling a story.


`...Doesn’t nearly all (of) the atmospheric moisture come from the southern geysers? (All of) These ice crystals are going to be heavy with the stuff.”' - Didn't think you needed `of' in first sentence and to avoid repetition of `all' suggest trim start of sentence.

`Lucy began drifting again.

Distantly, she heard Mother speak again' - use of `again' sets up unwanted repetition at end of these sentences.

`A pale suggestion of a sun pushed fruitlessly through the murky clouds. ' - just thought this was a great sentence - good imagery.

`Lucy (went running) ran over and was lifted up until her eye (just) reached the silver tube. ' - a suggestion - advise try and avoid use of `just'.

`Her footsteps (would) vanish(ed) as she walked, and she made sure to keep the habitat in sight' - could not see a reason for `would'.

`....walls, as if trying to join the trio.

Lucy stared out into the darkness, trying to see where no light penetrated.' - small thing - the repetition of `trying' - `attempting' - might be an alternative word choice. You used it earlier in another sentence as well.

`Mother’s voice (had become) became frantic.' - removes passive voice

`...had hidden...' - could be `hid'

`(Then) Lady tossed her head once more,...' - omit `then' not needed - you use it earlier too. It is a storytelling device and so reveals the author in the text. Suggest try and avoid.

Hope these comments help

All the best Brian
4
4
Review of Pegasus Heights  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Thundersbeard,

Quite a delightful little story, perhaps for a younger reader. I thought it was well written. The relationship and jossing between siblings was realistic. Good framing/setup of story, appropriate dialogue, a light touch of good mystery, and of course of the magical. Pegasus is a character of Roman and Greek myths - though Wikipedia informed me that it is now commonly used for any winged horse - and even suggests the plural might be pegasi.

I wasn't sure about your `steam punk' tag - there being no mention of mechanical/historic reversions - but I'm no expert in the genre. It may be you merely mean to allude to an alternative world, as in steam-punk.

There were a few minor edit points:

`Nevertheless(,) I (trumped) over to the hen house.' - I think you might mean `tromped', another good word from Lewis Carroll is `galumph'.

`...with the animals. And (I) it didn’t mean collecting eggs'

“The one with the wings(,) son.'

“You know why I don’t mind (that) mine doesn’t come with wings Jonnz?”'

Hope suggestions help.

All the best

Brian
5
5
Review of Untitled 7  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi elizjohn,

A really good story exploring retreat from reality from a disturbed mind. I thought the pacing was good and the story held sufficient mystery to entice a reader on. The dialogue also I thought was sound and appropriate for the circumstances.

There were only a few things I thought worth comment critically:

`It took her forever to speak again. And then:' - although this section is from the point of view of Des, I thought this with the use of colon was a but too formal and told. To my mind these lines might be omitted, or at least the `And then:'

`(Finally, she spoke.) “You don’t know...' - seemed like assessment on part of the character, which I don't think matches his state of mind. Suggest omit.

`...and threw it (against the wall), but it bounced off padded walls. The sudden violence made Nathalie jump up from her chair....' - the double use of `wall/walls' - suggest omit the bracketed phrase - it will still be clear the chair went against the walls.

`Nathalie bit her lip (before responding).' - this seemed unnecessary `telling' suggest omit `before responding'.

Thanks for an entertaining and insightful read. I think you handled the story really well.

All the best

Brian
6
6
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*



Hi Isaiah,

Your story/fable really hooked me in, and I found myself having to read to the end to find out what happened. You have posited a very creative analogy - re conscience and what might influence it. The story is staged well in the three parts and develops satisfactorily. Mind you I wasn't sold on the conclusion i.e. why he becomes a virtual idiot without the presence of a developing conscience (when he seems perfectly ok before the Guidence hatches). Or why a conscience only begins to develop at age eighteen, or how it might be developed simply from the input of it's `host' - seemed like a circular path. But it is your story and your rules. Below are some edit points:

`freaks me out' - why would it freak him out, if he comes from a society where this is the norm?


` Phillip stood outside the hatched door.

“Greetings Phillip,” the security system said. “What is the password?”' - A couple of things: If the security system knows his name i.e. recognizes him, why does he have to give a password. The other thing is the `hatched door' - I wondered why, and considering you are later dealing with a cuccoon and `hatching' perhaps a simpler door might be in order.

`rubbery like' - suggest `rubber-like'

`...life,” the instructor turned and left Phillip’s vault.' This is an action tag, not an attribution, so suggest new sentence.

& again - `... impractical,” Phillip jumped as he heard a voice in his head.'

Very impressive overall, and I liked it. I also visited your website and was impressed. Watched the video. You and Justin appear to be a great team. I will have to look into the weebly website creation as I should really have one myself (though didn't understand why free).

Hope my comments help.

Brian
7
7
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi draken1077,

I really liked this. You hooked me in. From the beginning with the almost Dickensian overtones. The introduction of Emily. The mystery of the broken clock and the corresponding pocket watch. The affectionate Grandfather and the boy, Echo's concern for his sister. Then we have his job at a hospital as a receptionist for a Doctor, who you have given a similar degraded tone for the times.

A couple of things bothered me. First off, though it may seem trivial, is the spacing. Suggest opt for double spacing. It makes it easier to read and the whole thing doesn't bleed together. In a similar vein you need to clearly delineate paragraphs. Without them there is a dislocation of scenes and characters which makes the story difficult to follow.

You seem to have a reliance on use of `that' and `had' and this points at passive voice, a lot can be simply removed e.g. ` I stopped by a door (that had some) with mattresses....' & `..busting in here( like that).' & `. Do not forget who it is (that is) granting you...' - have a look and see how many you can eliminate using active verbs. Some passive voice is necessary, but you want to try and keep it to a minimum - it slows things down.

The `Men in Black' description. Cultural references can be funky I guess, but this didn't work for me. And the elaboration by the Doctor (his thoughts etc) I didn't warm to. The other thing to consider is how this reference places the action of the story in time i.e. post-apocalypse, but within his memory. Lastly this section is from the Doctor's point of view, so paragraph is essential before and after.

The beginning of the next Echo point of view is at his arrival at home base, yet previously there was no indication that he had headed off from the hospital. Likewise when he reads the clock, and then the scene switches back to the Doctor.

The ending was a surprise - especially the bizarre dress of the `Echo'. And of course his ability to spew flame from talons. In his dress the theme of clocks is reiterated. And it is an interesting riddle you have woven. When he reads the clock it is 2 seconds to six-thirty (day or night we do not know), and he says that the time is 11 am (but how does he know this? Intuition? Does he have another clock or watch?). And then there is the actual title in minus time, as in a countdown. All very intriguing. I found myself speculating what Echo and the secret of the watch might be. And also what sort of world (steam-punk) this truly was. The prospect of a new ~Eve' was also enticing as a reason to read on.

Good luck with this.

All the best

Brian
8
8
Review of Anna  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hi Hope,

I thought this start to your story had great potential. There is the immediate atmosphere of unease, and then concern as the picture develops with the involvement of the child and an obviously desperate main character.

Some edit points:

`sobbed softly', `crunched loudly'', `pushed gently' - suggest avoid nearly completely the use of adverbs esp. `suddenly'. Rather than enforcing a character's point of view (direct connection with the reader) they betray an author trying to artificially ramp up the volume (when the dialogue or action speaks for itself). Sobs are usually soft. She pushed the door with her shoulder while she has a child in her arms - so the reader might perceive that she does it `gently'. You have to trust your reader and your ability to convey a situation without recognizable embellishment.

`The boy (began weeping uncontrollably) cried as she sat him...(tried to get him seated) ' - suggest avoid use of `began' without a corresponding completion. From her point of view how does she know the `weeping' is uncontrollable. `tried to' is another trap, like `seemed' - suggest avoid - they also imply the `telling' of the story by an observer. Qualifications sow doubt in the reader - suggest be direct.

`On the ground floor, (she noticed) the neon green exit sign (that) illuminated the top of the door at the end of the corridor.' - Filtering: - use of `she noticed', `she saw'' - betrays observer. The idea is to go through the character's eyes - so it becomes a simple description & the reader takes it from there i.e. they don't need `she noticed' etc.

Hope my examples help improve the story delivery, as I said, it has the potential for an exciting and engaging read.

All the best

Brian
9
9
Review of I have a question  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hi Jacob,

I'm no poetry expert, so I cannot comment on poetic components. To me, poems are a very personal expression that can strike a tune in the senses and thoughts of others. In this, your poem was very effective, as it made me think.

In answer to your question - what would the fun be in that? That's why I do the same shit over and over again, because I know it gets under your skin. What are the motives? Jea(lousy) you suggest? Or disappointed (perhaps having dreamed up some Prince Charming for her daughter) i.e. you are not good enough? Or maybe as they say `she's just not into you' i.e. the dislike can't be explained. If I can just make the statement - they are a different sex and to a degree unfathomable. But you are not alone - thousands of comedians have made their living from mother-in-law jokes. They are the butt of the world relationship-wise.

The line `your motives are of mass debate', had me wondering . But `your daughters heart and mine are in sync' perhaps negates this.

Apologies for being so personal, but it is that type of poem. It made me think of my own ex-wife who unlike the daughter in the poem, took the side of her parents against me. She was the mother-in-law of mother-in-laws - an evil controlling bitch/witch who ended up stealing my daughter from me, and in the end my wife. Our first home, a two bedroom unit, conveniently was just down the block - why? Oh, because they had generously offered to assist with the financing deposit, having already picked it out. My advice to you, if this poem reflects your situation, as it seems to do - is move away as far as you can. The influence can be sneaky and pervasive.

The monologue of the poem builds force as it progresses from considerations of contrariness, misinterpretation and subvert behavior - with a tone of frustration, and ends in an ultimatum.
This all came through to me loud and clear.

It is good you wrote a poem about this. But suggest don't give her the air.

All the best

Brian
10
10
Review of Fade Away  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hi Lightbringer,

I happened upon your blog, which mentioned this story - so I thought I'd take a look. I noted your frustration with reader response - deciding that he was a ghost. I can understand this, possibly as you can, for there are elements consistent with a ghost e.g. his hand passing through a leg (yet he still can grasp a pen?).
And because these attributes have not historically been attributed to any other condition - an assumption is made.

However, be that as it may - you maintain that this character `fades away'. Why? I mean for what reason does he fade out of existence? His disassociation with the world, an emotional disconnect from society, a lack of any desire in relation to life, no aspirations, no interests - no passion for life. But then how is this demonstrated - theses reasons for his fading out seem missing. He comes across as a persistent character, a never-give-up type, gives to the poor etc, and is studying for something i.e. it doesn't seem like his life has caused this disengagement. So the reader might assume it is a mystery (except for ghost like attributes).

In the paragraph beginning: ` I didn't know what to do. No one would help me. No one could help me.' - seems to be when the reader is brought to present time, yet it is written in past tense. (At little aside - I used to belong to a writing website where for sometime there were numerous stories posted about suicide (from the suicide's point of view). I think it must have been an `emo' surge, or something as suicide was painted in poetic, fanciful terms. The problem is of course, unless you are a ghost (assuming ghosts can hold a pen - and actually exist) how can you write about the glory of your own suicide, in first person?) I pointed out to these young romantics, that there was nothing wonderful about suicide - when you commit suicide you are dead - full stop - and your interaction, romantic or otherwise ends and you will be forgotten.

This paragraph, mentioned above, before I digressed, I think you might put in present tense. We must assume, logically, that he started writing `the history of his fade-out' at the base of the reception desk, So the paragraph might start `I don't know what to do. No one will help me. (Seems) no one can help me.' & so on. You take up the present tense in the last paragraph, but I thought it should come earlier.

That he is ignored by the Receptionist and others at the counter seemed unrealistic to me, unless he was invisible. I mean, even if the Receptionist disliked him intensely, someone would respond to his medical situation. Also his non-action to constantly shaking hands is questionable (though you mention considerations of going to doctor).

Re your ghost impression problem, in my opinion you need to provide a basis for his condition - portray an attitude to life (non-caring, unmoved) which might support his fading out.

Despite criticism, or commentary above, I enjoyed the story. Hope I helped somehow.

All the best

Brian

11
11
Review of The Atheists  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hi andy,

A very interesting and imaginative story you have written. The idea that atheists would coalesce into a movement lead by high profile atheist leaders, and that this would cause various god believing groups to join together (perhaps presaging one world religion (doubtful)) and rise against this movement.

You begin the story well, with background to events that unfold, identifying characters in the atheist movement and the progression of their cause. The name Dawson, despite name change, evokes a real life thinker on these issues. The name, Raphe Gillet made me google or answers. All I could find were references to bicycle accessories, but that does not mean there is not a real life equivalent, not that it really matters. In the end of the story the figure of Gillet is portrayed in an almost mock Christ-like or Pope-like way, standing on his balcony in his white pyjamas (the humor was not lost on me). To me it equated with perhaps the imminent crucifixion of the leading light, maybe as Christ was once crucified by the Jews. The story progresses well and your observations of modern society and how it reacts I thought was spot on. `TV stations across the world focused their lenses' as they would.

Richard Dawkins was recently in Australia where he engaged in a debate with Cardinal Pell. The outcome was predictable, and in the course of the debate Pell was found to be ignorant of all scientific thought on these matters. You think he'd have least educated himself on fact basis of contrary arguments to his point of view. Most atheists (from letters/reports) decried Dawkins accepting to engage in debate (on TV). The thinking being that this only gives religious types such as Pell air to breathe i.e. the elevation of argument to face to face debate only serves to give his beliefs some credence - there is little benefit to atheist argument. The point I wanted to make is that Dawkins is an atheist, and atheists are not anti-religious by default. They, as I understand do not argue against religion, merely feel that it is irrelevant & therefore not really worthy of discussion. There is really little point in taking issue with someone or trying to convince them otherwise if their belief is only that, `belief' and not based on any fact. I am only mentioning this because atheists do not have a world-wide authority/leader or at this time constitute a movement, this would to a degree be anti-ethical to them.

However, in the last five years or so we have seen the rise of anti-theists. These are more like the characters in your story. They are people that see the ill that religious beliefs can cause and do cause in our present world. They do carry on various small campaigns against organised religion, but there base is small I think.

None of the above (thank you for indulging me), distracts from your story and it has led me to think that maybe in the future (there are inklings of it today) people will see the problem with organised religion, but then again maybe not.

Thank you for sharing this and making me think.

All the best

Brian
12
12
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi prncsjsmn,

I decided to return the favour and comment on one of your works. I didn't pick the first chapter because it already had 4 reviews. I think your story will definitely have appeal to romantic readers. The language seemed to evoke the times of Jane Austen (I would be careful mimicking modes of speech - can become convoluted - there is a `polite' tendency to over qualification of what they say amongst Victorians to cause no offence). This can be a trap for modern writers - suggest give us just a taste to give authenticity, but try and stay more direct for modern readers.
I thought the concept was good - the idea of a `dream man' who Elana meets when she sleeps, seemed a nice conceit of the romantic tale, especially when she appears to have other real life suitors (in Tim). You have accurately portrayed the sensibilities of people of the time and the reaction to Robert's rebuff of Helen might have been regarded as an insult or indecency. The dialogue I thought was fine for the most part and the injection of humour and opinions gives the reader a good insight into the character of Elana.

As you may be aware, with the advent of `Fifty Shades of Grey' some older works by Jane Austen and others are being `augmented' (a crime in my mind) to include sex and erotica. You might consider updating Elana's physical reactions. The thing is, that though these times were portrayed in a mannered and civilised way, with discreet references to physical reactions, it does not mean that women of the Victorian or Elizabethan times didn't react physically, merely that it wasn't reported (unseemly for the time). So, not being a woman, I have little knowledge of what physical reactions might occur (beyond blushing), but I have considered that she may become hot or wet in certain areas of her body. This is just an idea.

Some edit points:

`This time, I wanted to be the one (that was) in control.' - suggest omit words in brackets.

`...able to control what happen(s)ed' - although she is relating in present tense she is referring to past experience (albeit alluding to new dreams).

`...basking in the warm glow of the night.' - hmm. This seemed a mite strange for night time. Moon casts typically, cool shadows. Where is `warm glow of night' come from?

` The most peculiar thing was that I could see he had the same longing.' - indeed peculiar - perhaps `felt' (you have already used `sensed'.

`There was an internal war between his mind and his body, or perhaps it was the heart.' - the last phrase `or perhaps it was his heart' seems to conflict with earlier `He was struggling to keep away from me, but his heart bade him come.' - essentially it appears as a repetition of thoughts. Suggest either omit, or be definite in line with what said earlier e.g. `...internal war between his body and heart.' - Although, it is first person narrative and we are privy to character's changing thoughts etc suggest try not equivocate, and be definite as it makes for easier engagement for reader i.e. they know where they are with the character.

`Alas, he had concluded what he would do.' - wondered why `alas' - it is connative of bad news. So why is she regretful that he decided to speak? Perhaps it is related to her relinquishing control of dream. Suggest omit.

`I hesitated for a moment as I reached to open it. I wanted this dream to go at my will. I cannot let him have so much power over me.' - The last sentence is in present tense. This happens a few times where you switch. Perhaps you might put her direct self-talk in italics e.g. `Was it at my will that I went?'

`As I did so, his grey eyes were hypnotized by my appearance.' - although he is in her dream, she cannot know this definitely as outside her point of view. Perhaps `seemed to be hypnotized'.

`...your beauty bedazzles even the stars.' - I may be wrong, but I think it impossible to `bedazzle stars' - because that is what they are i.e. they are all dazzle and that is all. Suggest point of comparison e.g. `beauty outshines even the stars'. or `beauty bedazzles like the stars'.

`My core is but butter...' = perhaps `like butter' or `turns to butter' - `but butter' didn't seem to work for me.
`We are in the forest, but I have not to know where.' - this was awkward, perhaps `We are in the forest, but I know not where.'

`A fire starts, but one that does not burn when I come near it.' - suggest a fire that does not burn ceases to be a fire. Might I suggest something like `but one that does not give off heat as I near it', or `but I feel no heat as I near it'.

`So many questions linger in my head, but it is so hard to ask them.' - wondered about this. First why questions `linger' - from when? Suggest another approach e.g. `fill my head' `vie for attention'. Second, why is it hard to ask them? This is her intent, why should it be difficult?

`I have (but) so many questions.' - suggest omit

`I might never get my answers and know who he (is) was.' - the previous sequence with her dream man is in present tense. But this is reflection on the part of the character.

`I told her (with) in an (most) irritable tone.'

`I was soon to be late for school, but Helen understood and saw to it that I wasn’t.' - I didn't understand this - `soon to be late for school' - ? - perhaps `I would be late for school' or `It looked like I would be late for school...' - but then in the end of the sentence you have Helen understanding this and doing something so she isn't. But what? How did she `see to it'?

`At times, I wished I didn’t know so better as to bite my tongue. At least then I’d be able to wip them with my bitter words.' - I understand, what she is trying to express - perhaps `Knowing better, I bit my tongue, sparing my bitter words for another day'

`He knew (as to) what I was referring to.' - suggest omit in brackets

`You are simply the(e) greatest friend any man can have.” - typo

`It is funny how you think yourself a man.' - thought this a very good injection of humour.”

`...do you think that dealing Robert a blow to the face will do anyone any good.' -think this should end in a question mark.

`It seemed as then he would kiss me.' - perhaps `It seemed then he would kiss me' or `It seemed then, as if he would kiss me'

Thank you for sharing your story. Although I have only read one chapter, I can see the storyline has legs and great potential. Please disregard any of my suggestions you think inappropriate. Hope I helped in some way.

All the best

Brian
13
13
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi Bikerider,

I had the thought you might share some of your character's traits - in a liking for order, and perhaps plays and poetry. I say this because of the way you have detailed your character and the economical and simplicity of the synopsis. However, I am not quite sure why it was posted, perhaps for specific eyes.

I have little comment, though I tried to imagine the character and the logic of her life. I found myself wondering, if she was 22 in N.Y. and married, that she has no further children. I was thinking the brutal husband would force himself on her, or want her for some other reason bar domestic slave. If she does not desire children, then some strategy, physical or conniving would need to come into the picture - unless he takes a lover, frustrated by her rebuffs?

That is my only comment. It seems like a realistic life story (as far as I know, it may be) and having the narrative course of the work (novella, novel) is a big step in the writing of it.

Good luck with your efforts. I think the world is ready to hear Arianna's story.

All the best, Brian
14
14
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi Doc, (Happy Anniversary!)

This is a thoughtful piece you have written here. Beginning in a personal reflection and progressing to a resolution and statement of feelings. I liked the way you extrapolated the cartoons into a humanistic consideration.

`But I can continue to be happy, even if I know I cannot do it.' - know this wasn't your intent, but this sentence is a bit at odds with itself. Suggest eliminate last clause.

I did know what you meant. Re the content: I don't think people consider the gift they may be to civilization, unless they are lauded extremely in their lifetime, but even that may not be enough. Or a guarantee of remembrance in history.

And your point that at some point (i.e. as an adult) imagines only the past aspirations (which may be different to the role/part assumed by the adult - as contribution to the world) has some validity, but then is an unknown. Who knows if aspirations die with youth, mine haven't (I am hoping for a new one any day now). But in truth you are right, as an aspiration requires a future - and the older you get, the thinner future years become (also time goes faster).

I read your pieces on the Avengers and Phineas and Ferb. I haven't seen the first, but now want to. P&B I occasionally catch on TV ( the standing joke of Candice trying to convince Mum - a wonder Candice hasn't been committed). I too have an affection for animation, and I agree that nothing exemplifies the play of human consciousness better.

Thanks for sharing this, and making me think.

All the best

Brian
15
15
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*



Hi Omzy,

I thought this story had great promise, and there is a certain confidence in the writing which gives me leave to think you have the capability (or legs) to carry subsequent chapters off. The world you propose, so far as you have revealed it, has a credibility given the threat of global warming. You provide information re social status and structure, indications of a prior conflict (character scars/references to battle-forsaken). Also to some degree the workings f the place, as Tim works in the `Enginery' - which I thought was a great name. I found myself liking the characters, especially Tim, though he gets most of the action. Jesse and his mother's attitudes and personas seemed to me well conveyed. Dialogue I thought was fine and characteristic.

I had some thoughts reading through it. Some edit notes:

`...they made sure their son Jesse had made it through life without any so far.' - merely a suggestion - here `made' occurs twice, and you have already used `had' a few times. - maybe something like `...they ensured their son, Jesse made it through without any - so far.'

`He was (just) a bright-eyed child and might(’ve still had) have a future,...' - not sure why this was phrased the way it was i.e. as if precognizant of failure. `just' is a nothing word and not something the parents would think, but something an author might add.

`Dust Town' - only an idle thought, but seemed a mite odd if floating on the ocean. I was thinking there are probably leaks etc. `Dust Town' has an existing connotation, I know. `Damp Town' doesn't sound as good.

`(So), as) with the other outcasts and deadbeats, Tim was resigned to a misbegotten job...' - suggest omit `so' & maybe `as'. `So' denotes an oral story-telling device, not required & reveals author. `misbegotten' - looked it up - means unlawful, illegitimate etc - yet this is a job conferred on him by some civil authority. I was thinking maybe `woe begotten' might be appropriate. The other thing I was thinking is that Tim actually seems to have quite a responsible job i.e. not for some slack arse or non-committed - so question in my mind was, do these upper levels care much if they get this Zenith stuff - given they don't seem to place much importance on who ensures they get it? i.e. he is not a `outcast' or `deadbeat', more of a civil servant.

Emma & Marla - Emma comments on Marla's husband re Tim's work, but I found myself wondering about Emma & Marla's occupation i.e. are there stay at home mother's in this world you have created - present indications there is some form of social welfare in place.

`Jesse stirred (for a moment) under a tattered orange blanket and (then) opened his eyes.' - suggest omit - try and avoid unnecessary qualifications & `then' - can be construed as observational i.e. author presence (like `so').

`“Huh?...What time is it?” (he asked, confused.) - suggest attribution is unnecessary & to an extent deflates the immediacy. The context and order of dialogue can often convey much, and sometimes the attribution clutters up the text.

`....Emma proclaimed(,) (as she beamed) beaming down at him...' - need comma if extending the attribution. `beaming' is just an alternative (seemed less Emma pov).

`...was a thin, redheaded woman(, and) at five foot ten inches tall, put(ting) her well above...' requires conjunction.

`Of course he thought this was silly, but never said anything. He usually reserved his comments for the unjust system...' - the previous paragraph was from Jesse's point of view. I wasn't sure if the first sentence was Jesse or his father. If it is his father, or indeed in the following sentence, I think you need to identify him. i.e. Tim thought this was silly...

`Tim (half-)grinned.' - as opposed to a full grin. Hard to quantify - suggest a grin is a grin.

`...she said (calmly). - this seems implicit in what she says - suggest omit - unnecessary. In a way it is a matter of giving the reader some credit of understanding the story you're telling i.e. they've got the picture, so don't intrude unnecessarily.

`...leaving Jesse and Tim alone.' - seemed a little obvious. Emma exiting seemed a little like a stage direction. She doesn't appear again in the story, so far. Wonder where she went? Perhaps provide some rationale/duty etc for her leaving - or going to attend to something.

`Jesse sat up straight and smiled wide, “You got it?” he asked with excitement.' - I would expect this sort of reaction from a 12yo, but not after he has ignored the sad eyes of his father like they had seen too many disappoints over years. The detailed description of his father's eyes is not observed by Jesse, but only the author. If Jesse had seen those eyes perhaps he would have reacted differently. And if the father's eyes are not important, then why were they mentioned and given emphasis? Would the author be trying to slyly evoke a reader reaction from the situation outside of Jesse's perceptions. Likewise following this you have `said Tim, sighing as if it was his own dream that had been crushed.' - who makes this assessment on the character of the sigh? Jesse? Suggest omit - the circumstances of the interaction give the reader a pretty good sense of the situation, and how things might be said. Important to give room for the reader's imagination to play.

`...said Jesse (glumly) ' - once again I don't think the qualifying adverb is necessary, or desirable. What does `glumly' really convey (I think it has a rather comical sound actually)? The `Oh,' hanging in the air says enough. I wondered too about `he lied.' and whether given his previous reaction to the prospect of present, the reader will realise he is not telling the truth.

Tim’s demeanor changed as Jesse said this and he managed (to work up a smile, albeit with great effort) or `managed a weak smile' - As a consideration - `managed to work up a smile, albeit with great effort' is not reflective of Tim really, as it is imprecise, on supposing the `great effort' doesn't relate to lack of facial muscle strength, but underlying reasons presumably which only Tim is aware of..

Technical point: Foundries - to my knowledge the blast furnace i.e. creating molten metal from ore doesn't shut down overnight. If they shut down ruins the equipment (think the cauldrons are part of it) and have to refit which takes months. They have to keep it hot. I may be wrong, but might be worth looking into.

I won't edit the whole story, except for mentioning `Jesse, bereaved, set to doing the only' - I think `bereaved' is the wrong word, maybe `chastened'. And sorry, but why describe `Zenith' as `stream of consciousness' - if it is some energy source, or unknown (though Jesse seems to have some idea)?

I hope I have been of some help. My suggestions and comments are just that, and you should feel free to discard them as you will. It is your story.

What I found really interesting about your story was the attitude of Tim. He does a menial job, and he knows it and is bitter etc. Yet agrees with his wife to expose Jesse to this sad fact, as a `birthday present' - the rationale being that it will stymie any desire he has for pursuing an army career. This I thought was a very noble and self giving act towards one's son, in that it means degradation in his eyes. It also gives one pause to consider what a terrible future might eventuate in the ranks for them to be so adverse to it.

It is quite a world you have painted for us. The `Zenith' and understanding what has happened to Jesse will definitely draw the reader on.
All the best

Brian
16
16
Review of Unlawful Entry  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi Brendan,

This was a very well written article which raises issues that should be of concern to any citizen. I am not an American, so it is perhaps a little inappropriate that I comment.

However, I try to keep up with issues in the US through on-line newspapers. The `Patriot' laws it seems to be commenced the rot of civil liberties. One can see in the `age of terrorism' measures might need to be instituted temporarily for security, but when they impinge and threaten the population they aspire to protect, it is time to reflect on the implications.

The poor man who was shot, my heart goes out to his family. The whole thing seems stupid and based on some gung-ho notion that infests some police forces. If they were concerned about his escape during entry, surely they had enough men to cover all exits. And if they were hoping to prevent the disposal of evidence prior to entry, this seems unlikely if he was a drug dealer. Lastly, whatever supporting information, evidence of wrong-doing must have been extremely flimsy or just wrong. So why this type of approach by police, the people have the right to ask. You don't state in your article if any officers were charged or investigated for the crime.

You are correct that these law precedents and declarations of rights were not made lightly. They are the expression of the individual, their natural and well-defined basis of their rights.

It is amazing to me, living in Australia, that these determinations by the DOJ and others actually were delivered. They are obviously bending the rules so they break, as you have pointed out.

Thank you for writing about this. Hopefully, others will will attempt to raise the consciousness with regard to this matter and other similar travesties,

All the best

Brian
17
17
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi david,

I read this last night, and thought I would leave a short comment. Being so short I judge it as flash fiction which is not easy to write.

The scene in your story evolves out of the mind of the protagonist. Essentially we are considering his thoughts as they come. They are disordered (or in some internal sense that only the character understands fully) and dislocated and seem to typify the mind of a person n the verge of murder of an apparent innocent.

I thought this was telling - he says `The waitress led her to a single table.' yet later he states `She placed herself within the geometry of the room. Designed by her, for the sake of clarity. ' - this is a disconnection of internal logic, to me. It is a trait of murder's to blame the victim e.g.`if she hadn't done that I wouldn't have had to shoot her'. You have also included his confusion re the passage of time. So the reader gains the impression he is in some psychotic episode.

Why? The motivation/cause although specifically unknown, to me hinges on a word `cathederal' & the title, which carries a lot of weight. `suffer' as in `suffer the little children to come to me' and `vehicle' - a way of describing a human being in charged with or being possessed by a higher order/spiritual i.e. an instrument of God, or some such figure. So the title essentially, frames the story.

I wondered about the first line - seemed to convey a gun last `cobalt blue' etc. But he doesn't shoot her until she is 7 metres away, not twelve - so confused me.

Great little story, handled well I thought.

All the best

Brian
18
18
Review of Still LIfe  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi alex,

I'm not much of a poetry critic, so bear with me. Not that I found anything in your poem I disliked.
I liked the way you progressed through the poem `green' thoughts like the pears, conveys the impression of the new artist.

`stained glass complexion' - I wondered considering the `peeling off' - that it might me `stained glass flesh' ie. the way the fruit is segmented, and the translucent bubbles of flesh etc.

The last line, of course, brings the poem into focus. `Still' life. This fits in with the traditional idea that the artist does, by creating an image, putting a story to paper in some way `kills' the subject - at least in his own mind it has been `put to bed' - i.e. understood, defined to the internal satisfaction of the artist - and may now leave his conscious free, for further obsessions. It also involves a catharitic act - the artist purging himself of the obsession.

Anyway, a great poem. Made me think.

All the best

Brian
19
19
Review of Greater Good  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi Nicholas,

Ghost stories are one of my favourites, and your story opened up some interesting perspectives from a ghost point of view. The settings you put Spencer in, observing the accident from on high, watching his own death, his own body in the recovery room were well chosen and gave the story character.

Some edit points:

`She remained silent.' - thought this might be elaborated e.g. `whimpering'. I wondered why Stacy screamed in the first place. On the first reading I thought it was spook or phantasm in the shower. Then I thought perhaps she saw him, but that does not fit in. Lastly, I considered, because this is a prologue, it is to be a mystery to be revealed. But this does not seem acceptable at the start of a narrative. Maybe there could be some indication that this spontaneous emotional outburst is related to Stacy reflecting on his death. She might utter his name (perhaps confusing him to his missing existence, yet again. Maybe she has received the mystery text (but I think you may have something else in mind for that).

`Spencer (continued his) reached (towards) for her again, but almost had a heart attack(;) -- his hand passed...' - you have already stated he stopped reaching for her. Thought that a dash might be better for the last clause, sort of a resolution of consternation. I wondered also about `heat attack' considering he's dead, but it is a figure of speech (as he feels nothing) and might have been `almost dropped dead' or some other intimation of shock - it serves to add to the humour.

`Spencer was now standing on a building,...' - `was now' has a bit of the taint of the author observing and telling. Suggest take from character point of view e.g. Spencer found himself standing...'

It was night, and there were very few stars in the sky...' - As there is a full moon, I thought he would remark on this first, or only, as it has over-riding prominence. Suggest reverse in order of mention. Also thought you might be able to avoid `it was' - perhaps something like `A full moon illuminated the street below...' or something.

`...down (there) and see who stole his vehicle, but stood in amazement as he saw it was him. Spencer was driving the car, and also watching him drive it.' - suggest drop `there' A few things: Wondered whether you couldn't incorporate the last clause and sentence. The last sentence, just seemed to me a bit explanatory. Maybe something like - `He stood in amazement as he saw it was (a version of) him behind the wheel (of his beloved car /vehicle/`pet name').

`...and he watched (from the building) as it caught fire.' - this has been established in reader's knowledge - suggest omit.

`He (then) looked down at his own car...' - suggest omit - author intrusion.

`Spencer watched (from the building)....' - maybe `from above' would be an alternative.


`...into the building adjacent (from where he stood). - suggest omit as this is implicit to `adjacent'. You may want to swap the adjective and noun, but it is ok as is.

`...school bus just kept moving down the street...' - this seemed weak description - `just kept moving' seems to indicate an irrepressible force associated with the bus - perhaps - `continued unchecked' - just a suggestion. Also with the descriptions, there has been no mention of sounds, I don't know if this is intentional. Spencer has heard previously.

`...on to the street.' - `onto'

`Instead of going to see his own body and wrecked car,...' - wondered why `instead' was necessary. Gives the impression of someone assessing his behaviour i.e. what he should have done. Suggest something like `He ran past/ignored his dead body and wrecked car to find the tossed (ejected) cellphone.'

`Even with the smashed screen, Spencer still tried to pick up the cellphone, and when he got a grasp of it, he picked it up. But he didn’t actually pick up the physical form of the cellphone; he picked up a “spiritual” version of the phone and just looked at it.'- this paragraph becomes fairly confusing for the reader. Although I can see you want to convey Spencer's difficulties and disbelief, the hesitancy and repetition doesn't work for me. I would suggest being simpler and clearer. You don't need to mention the smashed screen again, he is picking it up despite this - the reader already knows. Maybe although he picks up the phone, he sees the phone remaining where it lay and another in his hand. But aside from that perhaps something like `Spencer picked up the phone, or thought he did, until he saw it still laying on the grass verge, and in his hand/(glancing at his hand saw) a `spiritual' version.'

`...put it back (in) its physical shell...' - `shell' or `self' - you know I had to suspend belief re cellphones having an afterlife (outside of recycling).

`Instead of blacking out,...' - wondered if necessary, or advised. The sentences prior to this accentuate the idea of light. Thought the start of this sentence a bit like a dip in that road.

`....helicopter pad came (rushing up) rapidly...' - just suggestion

`it still (felt like it) hurt - seemed superfluous - suggest omit

`Spencer looked around the room that he (now) hovered in. (it) It was the room he had been recovering in after the crash.' - suggest omit `now'. I thought that these sentences might be combined i.e. hovering in the recovery room.

`...But Spencer knew her,...' - wondered about this. Why doesn't he recognize her, when later he recognizes Stacy and his mother, yet here he watches the woman and does not know her?

`...after his (now) lifeless...'

`Spencer seemed to have teleported to...' - suggest `seemed to have' castes doubt (even on the reliability of author). I think you mean that to Spencer it seemed as if he had been transported. Can I suggest that such refinement doesn't matter, and just have him teleported. e.g. `Spencer teleported to another location...'

`...Spencer spun (around)... - `around' was used in the previous sentence

`Spencer’s graveyard.' - This is only my opinion and many may disagree, but I think `His graveyard.' would be more personal and self-reflective.

`The majority of the crowd, mainly women, were crying. ( was crying, mainly women.)

`...tried to rake the dirt with his fingers.' - why is he doing this, anyway? If it is only his permeability you wish him to discover, he could lean on the tombstone. Begs the question though as to why he wants into the coffin?

`The ground below the coffin started to light up, spreading like vines on speed ...like a shy animal, and the ground exploded with it.' - great imagery in this paragraph.

pile of dirt (- which was his grave) '- suggest omit, the reader is up to speed.

I wasn't sure about the ending dialogue with the spectre of `God'. The conversation was logical and understandable, but how it affects the story going forward it gives little indication. But there is mystery in the question 'Do you want the real experience?'

I enjoyed the story. The predicament/state Spencer finds himself in and the confusion he experiences, as he progresses through what could be described as his last stages on Earth. I wrote a story with a similar context called `Dead Reasoning', so I can understand some of the problems involved i.e. the setting of `rules' e.g. perspective, he can hear, but the living cannot hear him, he can see but not be seen etc. Difficult to work around in terms of interaction.

The piece represents a good hook to a longer narrative. It is intriguing from several respects, and there is the promise of an new individual treatment of ghost territory. I hope some of my points help. Once I start editing I feel have to keep going. All above are suggestions, you know best what you wish from your story.
All the best

Brian
20
20
Review of Money (chapter 1)  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi rocker,

I liked this opening. The narrator voice is strong, cocky and arrogant and there is great potential for action to come.

Some edit points:

`...is unbelievable. I just can't believe...' - this was a bit repetitive. Suggest end first sentence with exclamation i.e. `...do to this society! I can't believe...' - suggest drop `just' where possible a nothing word.

`...murders (youv'e cause) you've caused...'

`People will even revel in prostitution and drug distribution.' - `revel' didn't seem like the right word, maybe `descend into' - `resort to'. i.e. it is not something people enjoy as in `revel'.

`...and if i ever...' - several instances of lower case `I'.

`(Oh yeah, by the way, )my name is Matthew Creed,...' - this seemed overly-contrived, fakish introduction - suggest be straight and definite - punchier - you are making a statement, not an aside.

`...(of which we call ourselves) the outcasts...' - very awkward suggest something like `I, Matthew Creed and my gang, The Outcasts arrived....' - be direct.

`We arrived at this large...' - used `arrived in the last sentence. Suggest different word - perhaps `Our transport (mode of transport/vehicle of choice/mechanical steed) to this heavily guarded....was none other than....'

`So, this seemed...' - a couple of things. `So' it is okay to use, but it relates to oral storytelling and in written text seems to clutter things up, and it has a childish treatment attached to it `talking down' - as if the reader can't deduce from what is written the implications (which you are about to spill). `this' seemed a bit lost to reference - suggest another term e.g. the limo/using the limo

`We had quite the large...' - I liked the characterisation in the narrative voice, and here you need `had' to make it work. but later on you have ` We all had our own body armor...' & ` We had a few other more explosive' and there is another sentence commencing with `We'. Repetition works for emphasis, building intensity, but it can be irritating if pushed. I understand this guy is `blowing his trumpet', sounding off about how great and powerful he and his gang is, but important not to make him a caricature by pushing too hard. With the use of `had' - suggest mix it up and use active verbs Fitted with our own body armour, we were equipped with....' In the boot was....just in case things got hairy

`...have to use them!' - didn't see need for exclamation make. Try and minimise use.

`Well, (were) we're not.'

`It was 8:00, and a large armored truck with $1.5 million dollars will arrive at exactly 8:05.' - suggest try and avoid instances of forms of `to be' as in `it was' - it is like pointing from outside the story (even though it is being told). Suggest go directly into it as if the reader is up to speed. New paragraph might start - `Eight o'clock, at eight-o-five an armoured car...' or `My watch said eight, at five past....' - get into the action from characters point of view. The reader is hooked and reading, try not to remind them it is a story they are reading.

The absolute bravado expressed by the narrator Matthew Creed (maybe I should call him Mr Creed) is possibly indicative of the come-uppance he is undoubtedly coming to. I liked the character, although he has an outrageous opinion of himself and confederates. It reminded me a little of the character in `A Clockwork Orange' - beyond consequences - free anarchic spirits. It is an exciting suspense laden start with a bank robbery about to commence, how could one not read on. Especially when the reader can see him or his gang coming a cropper (there is a requirement for conflict) at some stage. A few of the points above would have been sorted out by a spell checker or grammar checker on a word processing package, though I understand one might not be available to you. It is very important that your work is presented in the best way you are able, some care in re-reading would have removed minor distractions, such as the lower case `i'. My apologies for being so picky, but I think your story has great potential, and you definitely have a way with words.

Hope my comments help somehow. I'm no expert and you have a better idea of how you want your story to proceed. Please disregard my suggestions as you will.

All the best

Brian
21
21
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi Lady Day,

I thought this was a stirring and exciting piece of writing. You have captured the anxieties and inner turmoil of a fighter pilot about to ascend into battle with skill. The details of his activity and his mental concerns which make up the majority of the story are well described. At one point during his inner battle when he re lives the circumstances of lost colleagues and flight, I wondered if when you got to current fight scenes you would have any words left. Of course, these action scenes are incorporated within the arc of the story and are dealt with through vivid memory. Some edit points to consider:


`...up in the clouds, my mind will be crystal clear, unclouded...' - this expression seemed a little at odds with itself, a bit of an oxymoron. Perhaps `up in the sky' or `up in the blue'.

`the most necesary' - a missing

`Here, my mind always wants to drift backwards instead of offering up my unworthy soul to the Almighty like I should during this calm before the storm.' - I really liked this line, and there are many like it.

`...my dying day(,) of this I am sure.' - insert comma, I think.

`...the faces around me melt away as if they are a wax candle...' - had a problem with number - `faces' vs `a wax candle'.

`...trained (from) the hundreds of times...' - suggest `by' or `through'

`...as I draw in a chest full of air with the big BMW radial engine, I wonder if maybe it hasn't become just as vital.'' - I really liked this, but how does it fit with `...as it finally draws its first breath...' - later in the paragraph?

`as familiar as my own' - you have already used `familiar' in this paragraph

`He is the epitomy of the late-war state of the Luftwaffe. - `This felt too `historical' in perspective, for someone in the moment. - `late-war' might be `current poor' for example. My dictionary says `epitome'

`...he gives (a) quick salute.'

`Well, the math speaks for itself.' - this too seemed out of time, suspiciously modern (never mind being German) -

`Of the 20 some odd men that...' - this I found awkward. It is best to be definite/direct and not equivocate unnecessarily (what does this precision really matter to the reader?) He knows how many who are left `Of the twenty men...' or if you insist `Of some twenty.men..'

`...emotions a long time ago'. - yet it is a battle of these each time he prepares to take to the air, as you have already written. Maybe some idea of recurring, recrudesce - idea of containing them temporarily - you already have the idea of the action and flying keeping these emotions under control - `consigned with the rest of emotional cargo to the ground' - sorry, got carried away. Your story.

`I (feel myself) shivered, and (I) swallow hard...' - you do this a few times throughout the piece, sort of minutiae of self-description. Another less prominent `My eyes fly open' - but it suits the action, urgency of the moment.
` I feel a sudden cramp in my hand and notice that I am gripping the stick with a force that is beginning to numb my fingers.' - it has a tendency towards the passive voice. Suggest get closer to character and use active verbs e.g. `My hand cramps ...force numbing my fingers.' Just a suggestion.

Once again, thank you for an entertaining read. At the same time you have exposed the realities behind the heroism and false grandeur of war. I hope my comments help in someway. I am no expert so discard as you will. You know what you want from your story better than me.

All the best
Brian
22
22
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Showering Acts of Joy

Hi,

I enjoyed your comments re your visit to Sydney. I'm sorry we didn't manage the best weather for you.

The restaurant at Darling Harbour (note the spelling - same for Sydney Harbour) is called Jordans. The restaurant will go soon as there are intentions to re-develop the site now. Also Circular Quay is where all the ferries come in. The Star City Casino has just been re-opened in a vamped up style - this was originally a temporary casino until the main one was built - but money is money - so it remains a casino as well.

As a person who lives in Sydney, I am extremely pleased you enjoyed your trip and took in some of our tourist attractions and wildlife parks. As you now know Kangaroos do not hop our main streets, but you can run into a flock of Sulfur Crested cockatoos anywhere, indeed there is much bird life all over Sydney.

I was a little disappointed you made no reference to the human locals and our diverse, but friendly mix of cultures - and we have some great restaurants now - as compared to the 50s and 60s, but I understand you can't relate everything on your trip. The influence of Thai, Chinese, Italians, Greeks, Koreans etc. Unlike many places on Earth, there is very little to fear here, except the insects and some snakes, and if you go swimming in the North of the country....

For someone who has never been here, your article, I believe would be very informative and useful.

Re- prices. A number of things can be expensive - and you are right there is the question of distance, however, Australians sick of paying so much for items that can be bought for less than half the cost overseas and are asking why. It turns out that some companies, such as Apple, have a different price structure for goods sold in our country (and for no good reason). They have just believed that because of history Australians are prepared to pay more. This will change soon.

I am glad you had a good time with your daughter and husband. Perhaps you may visit again and next time get out of the city to visit some amazing places in the bush like Uluru or the Kimberly.

All the best

Brian
23
23
Review of Ode to…  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi earthlover,

Your poem definitely exposes the horrible nature of the beast. I saw myself sitting there with my mind going rotten. It happens to me a lot.

This is good because all writers can identify with the problem. The last line I thught was very apt and contained `A beginning of something unseen' - something we all hope for.

Thanks for sharing

Brian
24
24
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*



Hi A,

I thought this was terrific. The way you have dissected and analysed various facets of writing and human relations with it. Your paragraphs on the love of words struck a chord with me. Words have a history all their own which even today sets the tone of use.

George Orwell may have got it right, though another I can think of is `to understand'. George Orwell himself (though he may not have admitted it) may have been of this persuasion. I know I am. Failing to understand the world from a `normal persons pov' the author develops the strategem of creating a world and exploring the subject matter as a way of coming to understand the world about him by other means. I suppose this could amount to a human deficiency in the writer. This is the Outsider idea.

The article was logical in progression and backed up by references and apt examples. In your words and through the segments you express a love of writing that other writers understand, and hopefully some who aren't now will understand the passion in the art .

Really well done.

Brian
25
25
Review of Grandfather  
Review by brian a
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi Eric,

Goodness me! I clicked on your piece looking for something to read not expecting it to be as long as it is. I have no idea how many words or pages I've read though simply because I was very much absorbed in your story. This was truly delightful.

I wondered as the two initially walked and talked and slowly the reader was enlightened to the state of things and the world within which they existed where the extensive build up of relationship was heading. It seemed a bit prolonged, though you provided sufficient mystery for me to keep reading.

I liked also that there was a certain innocence in all related, not just the references to procreation as hinted at towards the end. A new world with new people 25 parsecs from Earth (if only it turns out to be true). And the young couple and their talk of school, indeed the dialogue was appropriate for such an age. Even when the boy steps into the fray and speaks his mind in a decisive way the dialogue is consistent. I don't know if you intended it or not, but having an unnamed boy as the assigned `protector' , makes him an Everyman in a sense.

I admired the thought you put into this, Zashas appearance for example and the reason for it. And the `cooking' as a narrative element. And of course all the details of the workings and history of this world economically explained.

Thank you for two new words `premeptory' and `cant' (which you use twice by the way).

I wish I could be more critical (for your sake) but I can't. This is polished and really well done.

Thanks for sharing.

Regards Brian
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