Hi there,
Thank you for sharing your message about love with me
What i liked,
I like how you defined love away from the usual - 'love if faithful', 'love is enduring'.
What i think you could think more about is the way you seem to repeat yourself. its almost like every line begins with Love is. personally it kind of getting boring for me to keep reading but remember that's just me. despite that, i love your message.
I'm sure you have a great message in your work. i picked a few messages that you're trying to explain how life has been since the your mother gave birth to you. Don't get me wrong, the message is there and strong but the lack of commas and fullstops, not to mention capital letters, is making it so hard for me to read. i read it halfway and gave up to start again, in order to understand.
A message for your mother is important and i think you could do it justice by presenting it well.
Thank you for sharing your personal message with me,
Hi,
before i got to the details of the poem, I would like to point out how difficult it was for me reading the poem. i think you should do the capital letters were appropriate and there some mistype brying, i assume you meant crying.
apart from that, i think the meaning is clear and it certainly reminds us of who we are and who we used to be.
I loved the poem and thought you did a good job creating it. however, when i saw the title, I expected more. i thought of greatness, love and all the other emotions that creates the I am. I needed to hear more about I am. In other words i could say, it wasn't deep enough for me - but that's just me.
I love this chapter, its captivating, the descriptions are great and above all the sequence, the flow is superb. i enjoyed the way you began by describing this unknown person and then you moved on to introduce him, his name and then introduced the story teller right at the bottom. although the chapter is short, I think it was so good that already, I'm attached to this Innocent bystander. You've dropped a number of quizzes here and there to keep us the readers interested, e.g i would like to know why he hates himself that much, why he just sits there and write, why he never had any girlfriend before and of course for a romance lover like me, i would also want to find out if he will eventually fall in love.
The only negative ( I had to think hard to find this) is that i didn't get to know the name of the narrator....:)
I love the theme of your poem
I'm not a terrific writer myself - I'm still learning, but i think the first few lines would sound better to the ears like i did below. Again, I'm not saying its bad but that's just me.
A cool breeze kisses my very cheeks
Heat savors, rage on my existence
Solitary, but I’m no more than alone
Traveling distant miles
Hovering for dear love
Another point - I think if you decide to use the style "thy forehead", it would sound better if everything else is in that style, for example,
Releasing a smile upon mine face
I lean upon thine shoulders
Having said that, i still love the poetic feel of the poem. I'm not that good at picking on the good stuff, I tend to feel comfortable as a critic, so don't get too worried.
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